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Parent Emeritus
New here- is there ever an uphill??
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 627945" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Sosad, your name is appropriate for what we go through here. I know how difficult and sad this journey is for us parents. It's not an easy path to define or navigate through. We all find our own way, there is no right way or wrong way, only guidelines which work for most of us. </p><p></p><p>I think it is a good idea for you to follow up with NAMI. They have excellent courses for parents which map out how to maneuver through this maze when our kids have mental or emotional issues. They can offer options and tools for you as the parent to learn how to cope, how to get support and a place to air your feelings with folks who are educated. Getting support for YOU is going to be your best tool to get through this with your son.</p><p></p><p>You are right about the diabetes analogy. Of course you would help him. But even with that diagnosis, if your son had that disease and refused help, you would need to let go of his choices at some point because you are powerless to enact change in another, only they can do that. You as a parent can only do so much for him, at some point, which only you can decide upon, you will need to get clear on what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do IF he is not helping himself. </p><p></p><p>I am not an expert, however your son sounds depressed, perhaps due to unfelt grief. He would be best served, in my estimation, to seek professional help, however you cannot force that upon him, it has to be his choice. What you can do, is figure out what your boundaries are, recognizing that he is an adult male who is capable of helping himself. You can let him know that a condition of his staying with you is that he seek help. If he refuses help then there is nothing you can do. But you don't have to sit on the sidelines watching him slip further into isolation. </p><p></p><p>He is young and from your description of him, he is not disrespectful, or lazy, but removed, isolated and possibly depressed. He has to take the steps to heal himself. What your job is is to figure out what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do, what your boundaries are, what you can live with, what you cannot live with, and what your expectations are of a 22 year old person living in your home are. Once you are clear on that, you need to communicate that to your son and let him know what you expect. If he cannot live up to your expectations in your home to your satisfaction, then consequences need to be imposed. That is real life. We make choices. There are consequences. For all of us. No one gets a free ride to hang out without expectations placed on them. </p><p></p><p>I think where you are now, the crucial steps are for you to figure out what your boundaries are and make that clear. It may require help. It usually does for many of us. Seek out more support then the once a month counseling appointment. Seek out help which is appropriate to your situation, as in NAMI. </p><p></p><p>This is a tough road. It goes against our parental instincts, however, allowing behavior like your sons for a longer period of time will likely make it worse. We humans get used to a way and then attached to it. So take some action. </p><p></p><p>Sending you warm thoughts as you go through this..................I know it's hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 627945, member: 13542"] Sosad, your name is appropriate for what we go through here. I know how difficult and sad this journey is for us parents. It's not an easy path to define or navigate through. We all find our own way, there is no right way or wrong way, only guidelines which work for most of us. I think it is a good idea for you to follow up with NAMI. They have excellent courses for parents which map out how to maneuver through this maze when our kids have mental or emotional issues. They can offer options and tools for you as the parent to learn how to cope, how to get support and a place to air your feelings with folks who are educated. Getting support for YOU is going to be your best tool to get through this with your son. You are right about the diabetes analogy. Of course you would help him. But even with that diagnosis, if your son had that disease and refused help, you would need to let go of his choices at some point because you are powerless to enact change in another, only they can do that. You as a parent can only do so much for him, at some point, which only you can decide upon, you will need to get clear on what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do IF he is not helping himself. I am not an expert, however your son sounds depressed, perhaps due to unfelt grief. He would be best served, in my estimation, to seek professional help, however you cannot force that upon him, it has to be his choice. What you can do, is figure out what your boundaries are, recognizing that he is an adult male who is capable of helping himself. You can let him know that a condition of his staying with you is that he seek help. If he refuses help then there is nothing you can do. But you don't have to sit on the sidelines watching him slip further into isolation. He is young and from your description of him, he is not disrespectful, or lazy, but removed, isolated and possibly depressed. He has to take the steps to heal himself. What your job is is to figure out what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do, what your boundaries are, what you can live with, what you cannot live with, and what your expectations are of a 22 year old person living in your home are. Once you are clear on that, you need to communicate that to your son and let him know what you expect. If he cannot live up to your expectations in your home to your satisfaction, then consequences need to be imposed. That is real life. We make choices. There are consequences. For all of us. No one gets a free ride to hang out without expectations placed on them. I think where you are now, the crucial steps are for you to figure out what your boundaries are and make that clear. It may require help. It usually does for many of us. Seek out more support then the once a month counseling appointment. Seek out help which is appropriate to your situation, as in NAMI. This is a tough road. It goes against our parental instincts, however, allowing behavior like your sons for a longer period of time will likely make it worse. We humans get used to a way and then attached to it. So take some action. Sending you warm thoughts as you go through this..................I know it's hard. [/QUOTE]
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