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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 36193" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>For future reference (isn't 20:20 hindsight wonderful?) keep the new task separate from the old one. Throw in a new reward - "We're going to the library anyway - if you can take these books back up to your room, since you're going there anyway, you will save me enough time so we can stop in at the shop for an ice cream after the library."</p><p></p><p>Once a task has been completed and the promised reward earned, NOTHING should prevent it. No "next task", nothing. Even if the child is bad-mouthing, back-chatting, being horrible - the reward has been earned. Chances are any backchatting is being aggravated by the fear that you're about to go back on your word.</p><p>If you feel that handing over the reward during a misbehaviour episode will be interpreted as a reward, then hand it over with, "I WAS going to also include x, but not while you're being rude to me like this." That is, if you want to go there at all. If the child is being rude, it helps to have some understanding of WHY (from the child's point of view). Then it's easier to get under their skin and turn it around - not by being parental-oppositional (which a lot of parents seem to use, thinking it's appropriate discipline) but by being a bit sneakier.</p><p></p><p>Example: Mother is cooking dinner. It's almost at the point where she can put the lid on the saucepan, turn it down low and leave it to simmer for half an hour. Daughter wants her mother's attention.</p><p></p><p>Mum: I'll come and read to you when I've finished stirring this pot. If I don't do this now, dinner will be late.</p><p></p><p>Daughter: Mu-u-u-m! I want you to read NOW! My favourite TV show is on in half an hour, I don't want to miss it.</p><p></p><p>Mother: In half an hour's time, I will be back here at the stove, finishing dinner off.</p><p></p><p>Daughter: But mum, you said you were going to read to me! You said you would read when you've finished stirring the pot - now you say I have to wait even longer - that's not fair! (tantrum begins to escalate - daughter has misunderstood in her impatience).</p><p></p><p>Mum: I'm almost ready to take a break - there! (Lid on the pot, flame turned down low).</p><p></p><p>Daughter is still throwing a tantrum.</p><p></p><p>So what happens here? If the mother now reads to her daughter, is she rewarding the tantrum? It will feel like it. But remember - the tantrum has actually resulted because the daughter thought the mother was about to break her promise. So failure to read the book will prove the daughter right (in her own mind) which is NOT good - it will be teaching the daughter t hat promises get broken. Further down the track, daughter will use this to justify lying and breaking HER promises.</p><p>Answer: Ignore the tantrum. Ignore the bad behaviour IN THIS CASE. Sit down beside daughter and begin to read. She should calm down fast. if she does not, keep reading unless her behaviour is escalating. If she calms down fast, then ask if she wants to go back to where you started. A fresh start. Don't ask for an apology. Just ignore the bad behaviour. Just keep YOUR promise. Do this often enough, the apology will come by itself. This is the best apology of all - unprompted, given freely. Anything else has no value, frankly.</p><p></p><p>If you want to make something more of this, wait until a later time (say, after her favourite TV show has finished - she got that, PLUS the reading, she's not been hard done by after all) and try to talk about it quietly and gently. Don't labour the point and stop the discussion as soon as (preferably before) she gets upset. Because if she's upset, you're not going to be able to make a point with her, she's not listening.</p><p></p><p>This is a long drawn out, ongoing process. But if you can stick with it progress does happen. You need the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon sometimes, but that's part of being a parent.</p><p></p><p>And you will make mistakes. Recognise that. Apologise for them and move on. In doing so, you are setting an example for her to follow, should your way of living ever sink in.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 36193, member: 1991"] For future reference (isn't 20:20 hindsight wonderful?) keep the new task separate from the old one. Throw in a new reward - "We're going to the library anyway - if you can take these books back up to your room, since you're going there anyway, you will save me enough time so we can stop in at the shop for an ice cream after the library." Once a task has been completed and the promised reward earned, NOTHING should prevent it. No "next task", nothing. Even if the child is bad-mouthing, back-chatting, being horrible - the reward has been earned. Chances are any backchatting is being aggravated by the fear that you're about to go back on your word. If you feel that handing over the reward during a misbehaviour episode will be interpreted as a reward, then hand it over with, "I WAS going to also include x, but not while you're being rude to me like this." That is, if you want to go there at all. If the child is being rude, it helps to have some understanding of WHY (from the child's point of view). Then it's easier to get under their skin and turn it around - not by being parental-oppositional (which a lot of parents seem to use, thinking it's appropriate discipline) but by being a bit sneakier. Example: Mother is cooking dinner. It's almost at the point where she can put the lid on the saucepan, turn it down low and leave it to simmer for half an hour. Daughter wants her mother's attention. Mum: I'll come and read to you when I've finished stirring this pot. If I don't do this now, dinner will be late. Daughter: Mu-u-u-m! I want you to read NOW! My favourite TV show is on in half an hour, I don't want to miss it. Mother: In half an hour's time, I will be back here at the stove, finishing dinner off. Daughter: But mum, you said you were going to read to me! You said you would read when you've finished stirring the pot - now you say I have to wait even longer - that's not fair! (tantrum begins to escalate - daughter has misunderstood in her impatience). Mum: I'm almost ready to take a break - there! (Lid on the pot, flame turned down low). Daughter is still throwing a tantrum. So what happens here? If the mother now reads to her daughter, is she rewarding the tantrum? It will feel like it. But remember - the tantrum has actually resulted because the daughter thought the mother was about to break her promise. So failure to read the book will prove the daughter right (in her own mind) which is NOT good - it will be teaching the daughter t hat promises get broken. Further down the track, daughter will use this to justify lying and breaking HER promises. Answer: Ignore the tantrum. Ignore the bad behaviour IN THIS CASE. Sit down beside daughter and begin to read. She should calm down fast. if she does not, keep reading unless her behaviour is escalating. If she calms down fast, then ask if she wants to go back to where you started. A fresh start. Don't ask for an apology. Just ignore the bad behaviour. Just keep YOUR promise. Do this often enough, the apology will come by itself. This is the best apology of all - unprompted, given freely. Anything else has no value, frankly. If you want to make something more of this, wait until a later time (say, after her favourite TV show has finished - she got that, PLUS the reading, she's not been hard done by after all) and try to talk about it quietly and gently. Don't labour the point and stop the discussion as soon as (preferably before) she gets upset. Because if she's upset, you're not going to be able to make a point with her, she's not listening. This is a long drawn out, ongoing process. But if you can stick with it progress does happen. You need the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon sometimes, but that's part of being a parent. And you will make mistakes. Recognise that. Apologise for them and move on. In doing so, you are setting an example for her to follow, should your way of living ever sink in. Marg [/QUOTE]
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