New here.. Need your opinion

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by loosing sanity, Jun 11, 2009.

  1. loosing sanity

    loosing sanity New Member

    I am soo glad to find this site..I will try to give a quick description of my difficult child/step son.
    He has been living with us for 2 years but had regular contact with him all his life.he has always had behavior disorders,diagnosed with adhd at age 6..put on ritalin,but did nothing for the hyperactivity..a list of some of the problems over the last 17 yrs

    Age 4-9
    adhd..did no work in school,hit other children and was kept seperated from peers at school,well behaved and pleasant in front of adults, Disruptive when not in sight,Lying,very sneaky would break other peoples things when no one was watching,hoard treats,find 20 cookies in the cushions of the sofa but he never did it?? Encopresis.(soiled pants)daily.

    Age 9-15

    Still unable to get along with peers,very aggressive to other children,lying,destroying others personal property,diagnosed with learning disablilty put in ipp classes but still refused to do any work in school..Showing some aggression towards authority,charged at age 12 for threatening a younger child with a knife,got probation,stole money and cc from both grandparents..Does not learn from mistakes,punishment,grounding,taking away privledges,does nothing he will repeat the same actions..

    Age 15-now
    Moved in with his dad and I..poor student,skipping classes refused to do work was put out of school in 9th grade for 1 month so i could get him to do his lessons at home..

    Grade 10,fighting,skipping school,refused to do work in class,lying,gets angry when you confront him,punched walls,ripped door off hinges, spray painted graffiti and was taken home by charges,caught smoking and distributing marijuana at school.kicked out of school in April.

    This year..grade 10 again,ipp program,doing better but only with supervision,wears same clothes for days and refuses to change them,needs to be told to shower,does not use soap,deod,brush teeth gets upset when tell him to do these things.

    I have stopped fighting with him about these things,nothing seems to work with this child,I cannot get anything from him except lies..The last 2 months he has missed his curfue quite a few times always has an excuse for it..does not check in when asked to call,Steals cigarettes,spends,blows allowance in 1 day then bums cig all week..refuses to apply for a part time job to support his smoking habit.

    2 weeks ago he came home on a friday night 1 hr late and had been drinking..His father grounded staying overnight at friends house and curfue has been changed to 8 on school nights and 10 on weekends as punishment..
    So because he always has to push the limits he has not been going to school,instead hanging out at a friends house all the way he is not going to pass grade 10 and will be 18 in oct..
    I am tired of hiding money,cigarettes,cannot leave him home alone,or with younger sister,I just want to prepare him for the real world so he has a chance and doesnt fall flat on his face.
    He came home yesterday supposedly from school and I told him he could not stay because he is not following the rules,skipping school,etc. He now is staying at a friends house for now.

    I feel terrible about this,i have not been able to stop thinking about him..i do not want him out of the house i just want him to know im serious about following house rules,his 13yr old sister is trying to push limits with me now and is po that he gets away with more than her..Did I do the right thing? I just want him to spend some time withought everything being done for him so he will realize how hard the real world can be and will be willing to try to get an education,instead of running the roads..Sorry about the rambling but my anxiety is like a 10 right now..please give me your opinion??
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You are right to let the bathing and such slide for now. You have much bigger things to focus on.

    I would pick 1 or 2 things he needs to follow through on and tie them to a reward if there is anything that he truly cares about (cell phone, Xbox, etc.). I took years to find something with my difficult child, but the cell phone seems to have done it. I get chores out of her for this.
    If my difficult child did not go to school I would call the truant office on her myself and she knows this. Which is why she does not skip school. He may not care.

    When he is 18 can you kick him out of the house? Some states you can, some you can't.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Welcome to the crowd!

    Are you satisfied with the diagnosis provided? I'd look at a neuropsychologist evaluation at a teaching or children's hospital. He could be bi-polar, have Asperger's Syndrome, be on the autistic spectrum. Misdiagnosis and/or undiagnosed problems in these areas could very much be a part of his behavior. He could have an undiagnosed learning disability as well that may be the "root of all evil".

    Take a look at "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's an easy read, but could give you a little insight as to how his brain is seeing things. My kids are still small (10-5mos.), but some of the stuff could be relevent - maybe not the tactics, but definately "how things work" in his mind.

    Others will be along, some with kids in your stepson's age range!

  4. CoolTwentyGrand

    CoolTwentyGrand New Member

    I'm new here too hun, but let me tell you. You did the right thing as far as I'm concerned.
    My son has oh so many disabilites mostly mental. But he was getting agressive towrds me and destroying things to get his way. He was acting like a little terrorist.
    He got mad at me for refusing to back down on a house rule and he started busting windows in the house. By the time he broke the 4th window I was calling 911 for a cop. I explained to the 911 operator and the cop at my son's disabilites were and what was happening.
    By the time the cop got there, I was locked out of the house. I explained to him what was going on and he called for my son to open the door and he refused, so the cop shouldered it open. My son was pacing through the house and he ignored the cop so the cop took him down to the floor and arrested him for disturbing the peace. I refused to bail him out and after making sure the nurses at the jail had all his medications and knew his history, I let him stay the full 5 days.
    He doesn't exactly toe the fine line after that but he is much more respectful of the rules and he has yet to destroy anything that didn't belong to him. I'd say being hard core works. (he was 18 at the time and is 22 now).
    I used to be bad about playing in the street and my mom would whip me hard for it but I'd keep it up. She used to say," I 'd rather whip the hide off you then to be scaping whats left of you off the street.."
    Same reasoning, " I'd rather show him hard love than have to bury him because some cop had to shoot him for being too agressive."
    HUgs Hun......
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    in my opinion there's a lot more wrong with this child than ADHD and LDs. How is his genetic history? He sounds like he's got some serious mental illness going on along with some inappropriate behaviors. Do you know about his early development?

    If he's dangerous in my opinion it's better to get him into intensive therapy at a good Residential Treatment Center (RTC) than try things at home. Pulling a knife on a child at 12 is over-the-top for ADHD behavior and in my opinion signals bigger problems than have been diagnosed.

    If he's drinking, he could also be doing drugs (would surprise me if he wasn't). I think you have to think long and hard about treatment options. He's not a little boy anymore and soon his treatment will be entirely out of your hands--he could end up dropping out of school and in jail at this rate. If he is still out of control, with no plans when he turns 18, frankly I'd consider making him leave. He doesn't seem to be doing well in a cushy environment...I'd lay down the law. Is hub on the same page?

    Welcome to the board.
  6. loosing sanity

    loosing sanity New Member

    Thank you for your support and input,I will tell you what i know about his early childhood since he lived with his mom and she is not really forthcoming with info..
    He lived close to us until the age of 9,at that time we had him from thurs-mon morning and his mother had him the rest of the time.We both worked so my sister babysat for me in our home,his mom moved several times..(21 times before she moved to the other side of the province at age 9)..He had numerous babysitters in which most of the time he was taken to their house and dropped of for up to 3 days at a time,while she worked and socialized..I confronted her numerous times about the lack of stability she was providing for him and how that may be affecting his behaviour but it fell on deaf ears.
    At age 6 after the school spent 1 year trying to deal with his disruptive and bullying behaviour with no cooperation from mom,they sent him home and told her not to take him back until he had a doctor she had no choice and he was sent to a pediatrician..then diagnosed with adhd,had

    After age 9 when we only seen him on holidays and summer months his behaviour got worse with his mom,he was sent to numerous councellors,child psychiatrist 1 per week,had an in school asessment done which found the learning disabilities but noone seemed to have the answers..he would not talk to anyone..
    moving back with us in march 07, and after being kicked out of school 2 months later and finding 20 pairs of womens panties under his mattres,which ofcourse he does not know how they got there, we contacted family services and was able to get referred to adolescent mental health..again we filled out a book of Q&A about his behaviors(for the third time),had another inschool assessment done,started meeting with a concellor and was evaluated by a psychiatrist once who stated he thinks his problems center around his learning disability and low self esteem???learning disability yes I agree he has trouble...but he failed GYM.....refused to participate..
    I believe there is more to his problems as well but it is hard to get a real good assesment on his behavior problems when he switched schools atleast every second year,its hard for the doctor to get all the puzzle pieces of his past history..I do believe he may have asburgers syndrome that is why We tried in vain to get him some help before he turns 18 and we no longer have a say...I fear for his future,I know he could not look after himself and would like some answers on how to get him on track..hubby is ready to give up long ago...but I cannot give up..He can be great when he wants to but also has a jeckle and hyde personality..I often wonder if he was to of had more stability the first 5 yrs,If he would be a different person.
  7. loosing sanity

    loosing sanity New Member

    Please ignore spelling brain is not working right lately.;)