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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640716" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm sorry you have had to go through this. You aren't alone, trust me.</p><p></p><p>This isn't about you, it's about him. Obviously he inherited some of his father's DNA as far as personality. As an adoptive mom who has hung with other adoptive moms for over twenty years, we get to see how interesting it is that our kids who never met their birthparents can end up being so much like them down to mannerisms they never saw before finally meeting the birthparent. That's where I believe your son got his attitude toward life and his personality problems, not from you not being home enough blah, blah, blah. H ow many parents are home all the time these days? How many of their kids still turn out ok? Your daughter did. It is the nature of, what we call our difficult child (tongue in cheek word for our problem child as in Gift from God) that they blame everything, including an earthquake in China on their behavior. But it is never because they behave badly. They blame us the most because we love them and they like to up the guilt so that we continue to allow them to live at home and take our money, as if they were ten years old, rather than they becoming responsible adults. And if we cut off the money train, whoa...it can sometimes get dangerous and the abuse just escalates. It is like a pattern with these adults, men and women, who want to live off of others forever. They tend to wear out family members first, then friends, and many become homeless, which is often necessary for the safety of the rest of the family. I'd be afraid for your daughter if she is still at home and he is too.</p><p></p><p>My first bit of advice is to stop confiding in others in your family or close friends and get professional help for you because family tends to blame you and spread the word and friends without these sorts of problems don't understand. And that just hurts us more. Secondly, I would consider if you feel safe with him in your house. Have you ever turned him into the police for stealing? Your grandparent's wedding rings? Apparently, he will do whatever he wants to do and not care about it and when you call him in on it he will explain that this is because you yelled at him once when he was six years old or you love his sister more (sorry, but we love them the same, but it's hard to LIKE them the same, isn't it?). At any rate, even if he robbed a bank, it would be your fault. Except it's not. He is a man now and his choices are his choices regardless of our own human mistakes we all make when raising our children. Hey, most of them turn out fine. It is them, not us. And sometimes we let it go on for too long and don't make them face any consequences and allow them to abuse us in ways we would never allow, say, a spouse to abuse us. Has he ever hit you or his sister? Does he pay for the things he breaks and trashes? Can you afford him? This is a serious question because there comes a point where most of us can't do this anymore and we stop. When we stop is usually when we finally can't take it anymore and have hit our own version of rock bottom. Then we realize we can't change who they are or w hat they do and our words are falling on deaf ears. So we start to change what we can change....our own reactions to our grown children. Sometimes we make painful choices, like giving them a timetable of how long they have before they have to leave. They often then get better for a little while, but not for long.</p><p></p><p>If you feel he is a threat to you or your daughter or even a pet, you may want to think about making him leave right away. If he hurts anyone, I would call the police because you and your daughter deserve to be safe in your home. You should not have to be afraid of anybody under your roof. With all that stealing, my guess is that he is doing drugs, much more than weed, and that never helps. They steal because they don't want to work and they have to feed their habit. Have you ever gone through your son's room with a fine tooth comb? You can find out a lot by doing so. In my opinion, if they live with you and don't pay rent, they have no privacy when they are behaving in criminal ways and I can look at anything I want to try to find out what goes on under my roof.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes we still think of our children as little kids that we have to nurture and care for forever. Your son is 21. He can legally vote and drink. Many adults his age are ready to graduate college or are working hard full time. Some have families. Some are serving our country and have been since age eighteen. They are men, expected to take care of themselves, not little boys. Your son does have many antisocial traits. Obviously I'm not a doctor, but he seems to not care about what most people understand is wrong and he doesn't seem to have remorse for it.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for you and your situation. Keep posting. Others will come along. I just get up really early.</p><p></p><p>You may want to start caring about yourself first. You are a very important person who matters as much as your grown children do <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>You may want to read up on the article here on detachment. I found extensive therapy helped me cope with almost anything I had to face, relationship-wise, even my kids. I've been in it long term as I also have some mental health issues. Interestingly, because I had no choice but to do therapy, I have learned many skills that others don't know about and it has helped me in ways far beyond depression and anxiety issues. I highly recommend getting help such as cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectal behavioral therapy or ANYONE who you can talk to and won't gossip to the world and can give you non-biased feedback and help you make decisions and learn ways to love yourself even if your own child is a mess. There ARE ways to live with it and still be happy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640716, member: 1550"] I'm sorry you have had to go through this. You aren't alone, trust me. This isn't about you, it's about him. Obviously he inherited some of his father's DNA as far as personality. As an adoptive mom who has hung with other adoptive moms for over twenty years, we get to see how interesting it is that our kids who never met their birthparents can end up being so much like them down to mannerisms they never saw before finally meeting the birthparent. That's where I believe your son got his attitude toward life and his personality problems, not from you not being home enough blah, blah, blah. H ow many parents are home all the time these days? How many of their kids still turn out ok? Your daughter did. It is the nature of, what we call our difficult child (tongue in cheek word for our problem child as in Gift from God) that they blame everything, including an earthquake in China on their behavior. But it is never because they behave badly. They blame us the most because we love them and they like to up the guilt so that we continue to allow them to live at home and take our money, as if they were ten years old, rather than they becoming responsible adults. And if we cut off the money train, whoa...it can sometimes get dangerous and the abuse just escalates. It is like a pattern with these adults, men and women, who want to live off of others forever. They tend to wear out family members first, then friends, and many become homeless, which is often necessary for the safety of the rest of the family. I'd be afraid for your daughter if she is still at home and he is too. My first bit of advice is to stop confiding in others in your family or close friends and get professional help for you because family tends to blame you and spread the word and friends without these sorts of problems don't understand. And that just hurts us more. Secondly, I would consider if you feel safe with him in your house. Have you ever turned him into the police for stealing? Your grandparent's wedding rings? Apparently, he will do whatever he wants to do and not care about it and when you call him in on it he will explain that this is because you yelled at him once when he was six years old or you love his sister more (sorry, but we love them the same, but it's hard to LIKE them the same, isn't it?). At any rate, even if he robbed a bank, it would be your fault. Except it's not. He is a man now and his choices are his choices regardless of our own human mistakes we all make when raising our children. Hey, most of them turn out fine. It is them, not us. And sometimes we let it go on for too long and don't make them face any consequences and allow them to abuse us in ways we would never allow, say, a spouse to abuse us. Has he ever hit you or his sister? Does he pay for the things he breaks and trashes? Can you afford him? This is a serious question because there comes a point where most of us can't do this anymore and we stop. When we stop is usually when we finally can't take it anymore and have hit our own version of rock bottom. Then we realize we can't change who they are or w hat they do and our words are falling on deaf ears. So we start to change what we can change....our own reactions to our grown children. Sometimes we make painful choices, like giving them a timetable of how long they have before they have to leave. They often then get better for a little while, but not for long. If you feel he is a threat to you or your daughter or even a pet, you may want to think about making him leave right away. If he hurts anyone, I would call the police because you and your daughter deserve to be safe in your home. You should not have to be afraid of anybody under your roof. With all that stealing, my guess is that he is doing drugs, much more than weed, and that never helps. They steal because they don't want to work and they have to feed their habit. Have you ever gone through your son's room with a fine tooth comb? You can find out a lot by doing so. In my opinion, if they live with you and don't pay rent, they have no privacy when they are behaving in criminal ways and I can look at anything I want to try to find out what goes on under my roof. Sometimes we still think of our children as little kids that we have to nurture and care for forever. Your son is 21. He can legally vote and drink. Many adults his age are ready to graduate college or are working hard full time. Some have families. Some are serving our country and have been since age eighteen. They are men, expected to take care of themselves, not little boys. Your son does have many antisocial traits. Obviously I'm not a doctor, but he seems to not care about what most people understand is wrong and he doesn't seem to have remorse for it. I am so sorry for you and your situation. Keep posting. Others will come along. I just get up really early. You may want to start caring about yourself first. You are a very important person who matters as much as your grown children do :) You may want to read up on the article here on detachment. I found extensive therapy helped me cope with almost anything I had to face, relationship-wise, even my kids. I've been in it long term as I also have some mental health issues. Interestingly, because I had no choice but to do therapy, I have learned many skills that others don't know about and it has helped me in ways far beyond depression and anxiety issues. I highly recommend getting help such as cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectal behavioral therapy or ANYONE who you can talk to and won't gossip to the world and can give you non-biased feedback and help you make decisions and learn ways to love yourself even if your own child is a mess. There ARE ways to live with it and still be happy. [/QUOTE]
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