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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 640749" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>KMB, welcome. I am so sorry you are in the position you are in with your son. You've come to the right place, many of us have been in your shoes. It is a devastating place to be.</p><p></p><p>As others have mentioned, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It is helpful. As In a Daze mentioned, the book Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie is excellent as well.</p><p></p><p>What generally happens with our troubled kids, whom we call our difficult child's, Gifts from God, is that usually they are not the ones who change, usually it is US. Whatever issues drive their unhealthy behavior also keeps them from taking any kind of responsibility for themselves so they manipulate US to get their needs met. The way to change that dynamic is for us to respond differently.</p><p></p><p>I agree with MWM, this is not about you, it is about your son. Generally, most of us require some kind of professional help to get through this. Detachment from our own child is a very difficult thing to do. But, it sounds as if in your case, as it was in mine and many of us here, you need to learn how to detach from your son. Getting YOU help is a priority. Setting boundaries around his behavior is also a priority. None of this is easy, but it certainly sounds necessary in your case. Your son holds you hostage with his drama, his intensity, his blame, his manipulation, his stealing and his lying. You've reached the point we all reach, <em>you can no longer deny reality, it is what it is. </em>Now that you've told yourself the truth of the situation, you can begin to change it.</p><p></p><p>quote="KMBernier, post: 640713, member: 18575"]How do you live with the thought that a person you brought into his world and have loved with all you have to give can give a rat's ass about you?</p></blockquote><p></p><p>Yes, that thought is a difficult one to get through. However you <em>can</em> do it. Our kids have their own path in life, by their choice.......if that path is harming us, destroying our peace of mind, our families, our health, our well being, then we have to make a different choice. You will always love your son, however, you may not be able to have too much interaction with him considering his choices. Find support for YOU. Set boundaries for YOU. Focus on you and your husband now, take the focus off of your son. He is an adult. </p><p></p><p>It is hard for us to face the truth of who our children have become. And, yet, in facing the truth, options for change open up. Options that were not there while we were in denial. Once you see the truth, you can make the choices necessary to protect you and for you to get back your life. Your life is important too, take hold of it. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here. Keep posting, it helps.</p><p>[/QUOTE]</p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 640749, member: 13542"] KMB, welcome. I am so sorry you are in the position you are in with your son. You've come to the right place, many of us have been in your shoes. It is a devastating place to be. As others have mentioned, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It is helpful. As In a Daze mentioned, the book Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie is excellent as well. What generally happens with our troubled kids, whom we call our difficult child's, Gifts from God, is that usually they are not the ones who change, usually it is US. Whatever issues drive their unhealthy behavior also keeps them from taking any kind of responsibility for themselves so they manipulate US to get their needs met. The way to change that dynamic is for us to respond differently. I agree with MWM, this is not about you, it is about your son. Generally, most of us require some kind of professional help to get through this. Detachment from our own child is a very difficult thing to do. But, it sounds as if in your case, as it was in mine and many of us here, you need to learn how to detach from your son. Getting YOU help is a priority. Setting boundaries around his behavior is also a priority. None of this is easy, but it certainly sounds necessary in your case. Your son holds you hostage with his drama, his intensity, his blame, his manipulation, his stealing and his lying. You've reached the point we all reach, [I]you can no longer deny reality, it is what it is. [/I]Now that you've told yourself the truth of the situation, you can begin to change it. quote="KMBernier, post: 640713, member: 18575"]How do you live with the thought that a person you brought into his world and have loved with all you have to give can give a rat's ass about you?[/quote] Yes, that thought is a difficult one to get through. However you [I]can[/I] do it. Our kids have their own path in life, by their choice.......if that path is harming us, destroying our peace of mind, our families, our health, our well being, then we have to make a different choice. You will always love your son, however, you may not be able to have too much interaction with him considering his choices. Find support for YOU. Set boundaries for YOU. Focus on you and your husband now, take the focus off of your son. He is an adult. It is hard for us to face the truth of who our children have become. And, yet, in facing the truth, options for change open up. Options that were not there while we were in denial. Once you see the truth, you can make the choices necessary to protect you and for you to get back your life. Your life is important too, take hold of it. I'm glad you're here. Keep posting, it helps. [/QUOTE]
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