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New here, question about stopping being sons payee
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 676840" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>I know it is hard but it sounds like you are doing the right thing - you are giving him time to find his own payee, making sure his bills are taken care of for the month before you do so, and then leaving it to him to handle his affairs. He is an adult and you have been through a lot. You cannot fix him and he only drags you into his chaos as long as you continue to try to "help." My daughter is much younger and it is so, so, so hard to say no, to not want to scoop her up and try to set her on the right path. But I have tried to do that many times and finally discovered that as long as someone is always "helping," she never has to help herself, and I usually end up at the brunt of her lies, distortions, insults, and drama when she takes off again when I am the "helper." </p><p></p><p>It is hard to accept that she may damage herself further, or not survive at all, if she doesn't take the initiative to do the things she needs to do. It is hard to watch her suffer. It is unnatural as a mother to sit back and let them learn the hard way - or refuse to learn at all. It goes against our nature. But if we stop and are honest, we never really help them at all. We do it to help ourselves - feel less guilt, less worry, less shame...and does it help us feel less of any of those things, really? For me, no.</p><p></p><p>But there is true relief in stopping the "help." I have been able to reclaim my life. I still worry, I still at times feel guilt, I still have to stop my knee-jerk reaction to jump in and "save" or "fix," but what true freedom detachment has given me. Because she IS an adult - and so is he. We cannot choose to do it for them - they have the choice to do, or not to do, for themselves. We have the choice to let them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 676840, member: 19905"] I know it is hard but it sounds like you are doing the right thing - you are giving him time to find his own payee, making sure his bills are taken care of for the month before you do so, and then leaving it to him to handle his affairs. He is an adult and you have been through a lot. You cannot fix him and he only drags you into his chaos as long as you continue to try to "help." My daughter is much younger and it is so, so, so hard to say no, to not want to scoop her up and try to set her on the right path. But I have tried to do that many times and finally discovered that as long as someone is always "helping," she never has to help herself, and I usually end up at the brunt of her lies, distortions, insults, and drama when she takes off again when I am the "helper." It is hard to accept that she may damage herself further, or not survive at all, if she doesn't take the initiative to do the things she needs to do. It is hard to watch her suffer. It is unnatural as a mother to sit back and let them learn the hard way - or refuse to learn at all. It goes against our nature. But if we stop and are honest, we never really help them at all. We do it to help ourselves - feel less guilt, less worry, less shame...and does it help us feel less of any of those things, really? For me, no. But there is true relief in stopping the "help." I have been able to reclaim my life. I still worry, I still at times feel guilt, I still have to stop my knee-jerk reaction to jump in and "save" or "fix," but what true freedom detachment has given me. Because she IS an adult - and so is he. We cannot choose to do it for them - they have the choice to do, or not to do, for themselves. We have the choice to let them. [/QUOTE]
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