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New here, question about stopping being sons payee
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 676893" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome Ironbutterfly,</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry your son is causing such chaos and stress for you.</p><p></p><p>As for your question of not being his payee anymore, I can only tell you what I would do and that would be to stop being the payee. For me it really comes down to what is best for the adult child and the parent.</p><p>From what you shared you have a hard time telling him no as he uses manipulation tactics to get you to release money to him and the money is more than likely being used for drugs. For me, I could not in good conscience continue being the vehicle for my adult son to access money that will be spent on drugs for himself or the girlfriend.</p><p></p><p>I want to be very clear in that if you choose to stop being the payee, you will have nothing to feel guilty about. I know as a parent that can be difficult because we have spent a lifetime trying to shelter our children from any kind of pain. I have said this many times here on this site, "there comes a time when helping is no longer helping and becomes enabling". I think this is what has happened here. It would be one thing if your son was using the money to pay rent, bills and buy food but that is not what he's doing. You are too close to this emotionally. Even though your son may have some mental challenges he is still smart enough and quick enough to manipulate you into giving him money. Our adult difficult children are masters at manipulating us parents and they rely on us to feel guilty so that we will give in to them.</p><p></p><p>The best and healthiest thing we can do for our children and us is to detach from them with love. This does not mean we don't love them, it means we love them and ourselves enough to recognize that we do not have the power to change their behavior but we do have the power to take our own lives back.</p><p></p><p>At the top of the Parent Emeritus forum there is a very good article on detachment. Please take some to read it.</p><p></p><p>I hope you will stay with us and keep posting. Let us know how things are going. We care.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you......................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 676893, member: 18516"] Welcome Ironbutterfly, I'm so sorry your son is causing such chaos and stress for you. As for your question of not being his payee anymore, I can only tell you what I would do and that would be to stop being the payee. For me it really comes down to what is best for the adult child and the parent. From what you shared you have a hard time telling him no as he uses manipulation tactics to get you to release money to him and the money is more than likely being used for drugs. For me, I could not in good conscience continue being the vehicle for my adult son to access money that will be spent on drugs for himself or the girlfriend. I want to be very clear in that if you choose to stop being the payee, you will have nothing to feel guilty about. I know as a parent that can be difficult because we have spent a lifetime trying to shelter our children from any kind of pain. I have said this many times here on this site, "there comes a time when helping is no longer helping and becomes enabling". I think this is what has happened here. It would be one thing if your son was using the money to pay rent, bills and buy food but that is not what he's doing. You are too close to this emotionally. Even though your son may have some mental challenges he is still smart enough and quick enough to manipulate you into giving him money. Our adult difficult children are masters at manipulating us parents and they rely on us to feel guilty so that we will give in to them. The best and healthiest thing we can do for our children and us is to detach from them with love. This does not mean we don't love them, it means we love them and ourselves enough to recognize that we do not have the power to change their behavior but we do have the power to take our own lives back. At the top of the Parent Emeritus forum there is a very good article on detachment. Please take some to read it. I hope you will stay with us and keep posting. Let us know how things are going. We care. ((HUGS)) to you...................... [/QUOTE]
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