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New here, question about stopping being sons payee
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 676900" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Ironbutterfly, welcome. </p><p></p><p>I think you are getting good support and thinking here. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It sounds like you have decided to do this (bravo!) and now, you are thinking about how you will live with having done it. </p><p></p><p>You may have doubts, guilt and sadness about it, but that doesn't mean the decision was wrong. </p><p></p><p>I have learned in Al-Anon that "feelings aren't facts." Don't get confused because you feel one thing...thinking that means you need to DO SOMETHING about it. Feel your feelings but don't act on them. Let time go by, let the feelings dissipate, and then see what you THINK (not feel) about the next step to take. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My son was homeless multiple times and it was very hard to keep on living happily, knowing that. However, I think my "imaginings" about his days and nights were likely much worse than they actually were, at least part of the time. One time he was homeless, living outside a McDonald's in a major city four hours from here, and this was over Christmas and New Year's. I agonized. It was really really hard. </p><p></p><p>Later I learned that he was inside the McDonald's most of the time, had made friends with the staff, they had taken his clothes home to wash, and he was smoking their cigarettes and using their cell phones.</p><p></p><p>I had imagined much much worse and spent many sleepless nights worrying about him. </p><p></p><p>I think they are amazingly resilient, and very tough. </p><p></p><p>Yesterday in Al-Anon we spent a lot of time talking about boundaries and detachment with love. One of the things I've learned is this: Every relationship needs boundaries, healthy boundaries. We have to learn where we start and stop and where other people start and stop, and what is our responsibility and what is not. </p><p></p><p>It sounds cold to talk about it, but it's actually healthy. Creating and then respecting boundaries with other people (starting with our spouse/significant other) means we mind our own business, work harder on our own selves instead of other people, get way more peaceful and calm, are much happier, and let other adults be adults, no matter what that looks like.</p><p></p><p>Your son is 35 years old. If not now, then when?</p><p></p><p>Detachment with love sounds like a "separation" thing, but truly, I've learned and I've experienced that detaching from my son (who is my Difficult Child at 26 years old) has actually brought me closer to him. He was here for dinner last week and we had a really good time together, and good conversation. Some of the things he said were things I've wished for years to hear from him.</p><p></p><p>I have backed off and have let go and the result is there is space and time and the ability for him to "man up", start learning how to become an adult, and make his own decisions. Today, I work very very hard to keep my mouth shut (not always successful) and limit our time together. That has worked very well for me and I presume for him.</p><p></p><p>Letting our grown kids be the adults they need to be is very hard to do, especially when we see what we believe are a lot of bad decisions.</p><p></p><p>Maybe they have to make these bad decisions in order to learn and to progress on the journey that is for them. Maybe this is their path.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs today. We're glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 676900, member: 17542"] Hi Ironbutterfly, welcome. I think you are getting good support and thinking here. It sounds like you have decided to do this (bravo!) and now, you are thinking about how you will live with having done it. You may have doubts, guilt and sadness about it, but that doesn't mean the decision was wrong. I have learned in Al-Anon that "feelings aren't facts." Don't get confused because you feel one thing...thinking that means you need to DO SOMETHING about it. Feel your feelings but don't act on them. Let time go by, let the feelings dissipate, and then see what you THINK (not feel) about the next step to take. My son was homeless multiple times and it was very hard to keep on living happily, knowing that. However, I think my "imaginings" about his days and nights were likely much worse than they actually were, at least part of the time. One time he was homeless, living outside a McDonald's in a major city four hours from here, and this was over Christmas and New Year's. I agonized. It was really really hard. Later I learned that he was inside the McDonald's most of the time, had made friends with the staff, they had taken his clothes home to wash, and he was smoking their cigarettes and using their cell phones. I had imagined much much worse and spent many sleepless nights worrying about him. I think they are amazingly resilient, and very tough. Yesterday in Al-Anon we spent a lot of time talking about boundaries and detachment with love. One of the things I've learned is this: Every relationship needs boundaries, healthy boundaries. We have to learn where we start and stop and where other people start and stop, and what is our responsibility and what is not. It sounds cold to talk about it, but it's actually healthy. Creating and then respecting boundaries with other people (starting with our spouse/significant other) means we mind our own business, work harder on our own selves instead of other people, get way more peaceful and calm, are much happier, and let other adults be adults, no matter what that looks like. Your son is 35 years old. If not now, then when? Detachment with love sounds like a "separation" thing, but truly, I've learned and I've experienced that detaching from my son (who is my Difficult Child at 26 years old) has actually brought me closer to him. He was here for dinner last week and we had a really good time together, and good conversation. Some of the things he said were things I've wished for years to hear from him. I have backed off and have let go and the result is there is space and time and the ability for him to "man up", start learning how to become an adult, and make his own decisions. Today, I work very very hard to keep my mouth shut (not always successful) and limit our time together. That has worked very well for me and I presume for him. Letting our grown kids be the adults they need to be is very hard to do, especially when we see what we believe are a lot of bad decisions. Maybe they have to make these bad decisions in order to learn and to progress on the journey that is for them. Maybe this is their path. Warm hugs today. We're glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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