New here........single mom with-difficult 10 yo Daughter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rosemary, Apr 14, 2012.

  1. rosemary

    rosemary New Member

    Hello, I found this forum while searching about difficult children.

    I am a single mom of one daughter.

    she is a smart girl. i love her very much.

    she can also be mean violent and very disrespectful to me.

    this is one of those times.

    she has gone from nice to mean several times today and I am weary of all this.

    i just feel sad and like crying right now. i am pre menstraul and it is a hard time for me to be handling a child threatening to throw things at me and being mean.
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS))))) and welcome!

    Can you tell us a bit more about her and your family? Has she always been like this? How was her early development? Any childhood traumas? Living with nuclear family, steps, adopted, birth order? Any dxes (diagnoses) or medications? How is she in school? Does she have many friends, clubs, activities? Haw does she do with those?

    Yes, it's so much to bombard you with, but the more info you give us the more we can help you out.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi new friend! I too am a single mom. I am sitting here with my son having a good moment so I can type. I am dms-ing (during menstrual syndrome-ing, lol) and it does make things much worse for me even though I think we probably have the right to cry and worry even without that added issue).

    I am raising a son who is also violent and uses mean words, even though I know it is beyond him to do much better unless his medications are ok and he has support, it is still wearing. There are times I wonder how anyone can possibly be expected to cope with this. And now he is 125 lbs so he is much stronger. It is just so hard. So I am just letting you know I understand as do many here.

    What is her diagnosis??? Does she have one? Are there any issues outside of the home? Does she take any medication or anything?

    You will find a range of issues here but the common denominator is we all have rough parenting journeys. Tell us more or just chat if you need to vent...Happy to get to know you!

    PS (just in case, do you have the books The Explosive Child by Ross Greene and What your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You by Dr. Doug Riley?? both are very helpful for kids like ours, when typical parenting methods just do NOT work.)
  4. rosemary

    rosemary New Member

    Hi Keista, thank you,

    She grew up for the most part without her emotionally vacant dad, he lived with- us till she was 1 year then joined Army. Our marriage was a fake shell. There was nothing there, it just happened. He ignored us for the most part after she was 6 months old except for her coming into his room to say hi sometimes. I tried to live with him when she turned 3 for her sake and it did not work, after 2 months, i left. to go back to my home state. i tried. it was very apparent he was not a person that would or could relate on more than a superficial level. she has seen him twice in the past 7 years. both were traumatic.

    i single parented her while working on healing my child hood stuff. i isolated myself a lot. i was a stay home single mom for 5 years. I feel like I gave her love and stability. I didn't give her a lot of social or family things. I come from a family that is very small and not close. My parents had their stuff. My dad was not present, his dad was not present. My daughters dad, never met his dad. and when he was about ten his dad was killed by a drunk driver.

    he sends birthday and christmas gifts and that is it.

    when she was four i met a man and jumped right in with him. he traveled so he was around a few months and then gone for several months. this went on for two years. he seemed to get triggered by my daughter and parenting became a battle and more and more got worse. she saw a lot of fighting and explosiveness with that relationship. She herself got more explosive.

    he always told me that when she was little she would hit me and i would just sit there. so according to him, i was a ......... whats the word.........a parent who didn't set limits or dicipline........well to him that was what i was and we hardly agreed on parenting .......... it is through that and since breaking up with him 10 months ago that i have been able to feel like i have a good parenting is much easier now that i dont have someone always second guessing my decisions and undermining me. i thought i found a really good man and i was wrong. for me, he was poison.

    anyway, does this have to do with her. there are times she purposely pushes me. its seems she wants me to lose my temper and yell.

    my heart pains over not being able to provide my child a has mostly been the two of us. i moved us across the country 4 years ago. with him. and it is a big improvement. great job. wonderful home. beautiful sourroundings. and meeting wonderful friends and bit by little bit some community and friendships of the likes i never had before. yet my family is mostly in one state. all three of them. and then my dad is in a near by state where he went 3 years ago to attend to his great uncle and the father he never had's affairs after he died. and he stayed there. he hardly works. has no car. no phone. rents a room. and sometimes dumpster dives to eat : (

    it can feel very sad to see people with all this family and traditions. like easter. i feel so so bad that i have not been able to provide that for her. and that i never had it. i feel like a black sheep in a way.

    she is great at school, my daughter. quiet. shy. smart. she gets very anxious about missing the bus. she has to ride the bus or she flips out. this happened last week. it was so draining. she just missed it. the clock was off by a minute or two after losing power...........and she was devistated and just focused that on me.

    she has always been exuberant and energetic. she was an "easy" baby. i would set her up and she would play and i would make us food, clean house and play with her. i always feel like i didn't spend enough time with her yet, i would carry her around in the sling and backpack alot, we co slept and I nursed her for years. it seems like maybe i am blaming myself...................

    with her friends.....she goes hot and cold sometimes. when we leave often she will not give a nice goodbye. and if it is a younger kid or a kid she does not like, often boys....she will not even attempt to be gracious. this bothers me. she wont share with me. it is really super hard for her to talk about feelings. she is spending a lot of time in her room alone these days.

    backing up, she was always very social and wanting to play with- other kids....sweet, fun, funny, creative...........

    she was pretty easy for the early years.

    a few years ago she started having fits where she was out of control throwing wooden drawers over the banister from the second floor and they would crash down. She slapped a window last year and was so lucky she didn't get cut much, she broke it.

    she has been around fighting. my ex walked by her once and knocked her down on the floor because he was triggered. i think that i have my stuff which i worked on and parenting the best i could then i met a man who told me the way i was parenting was not right and would interfere or i would try and go along with what he wanted and there was always tension and fighting and there were times when he was super awesome with her...he was soo good at doing things with her. his parents are super stars at this too but when it came to the interpersonal stuff it was a messed up situation. we were in therapy for 2 years. we have a play therapist for daughter too. she wont stay alone with the lady so it is a mom stays and we talk while she listens and jumps in sometimes in a costume or has been helpful but i have had a hard time being consistent with it because of schedule conflicts.

    she doesnt do too many activities. she quit girl scouts after 2 years. and i also let her stop basketball as she was not enjoying it. i let her. i encouraged her for the last few practices she went to and then more and more she did not want to go and i was exhausted from working so i just went with it.

    she took dance lessons for a few years. she refuses to go to any other dance school that that one which is too far and too expensive.

    she can walk across the street to a barn full of horses and work with her friend who is there everyday and my daughter gets to ride too. i used to pay for lessons and now she goes when she wants and gets to enjoy the horses. she gets to live on a beautiful farm. with a giant trampoline in the yard. she lives in the country., and she complains.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    Fisrtly, I'll say that it sounds like you have done a great job parenting your daughter. Yes, we all make mistakes. We're human, but you seem to be very aware of the dysfunction of the past and trying to actively change that for the better for your small family. KUDOS. Do not feel guilty thinking you should be doing this or that (keeping up with the Joneses) It's an easy trap to fall into, but every family has it's own dynamics, and what you see on TV or other ppl do isn't necessarily right for you and your family. I grew up in a "cold" family dynamic. We were pretty much strangers living together. I was determined that my family would NOT be like that and one way I was going to achieve that was with "family game nights" You know, like the have on the TV commercials? I've got friends who grew up doing that and I was going to do that. NOT Son has no interest in board games, DD1 loved board games but had to be the winner otherwise there was a monumental tantrum, and DD2 is great with the games for the first 15 minutes - then just looses interest. So, yeah, the best laid plans flew out the window, BUT I'm still loving and close with my kids in different ways. So, my point is, don't be too hard on yourself, because each step of the way you are doing your best to create a good life for your family. It's all trial and error.

    So, I take it she hasn't been evaluated for anything? Sensory issues, Auditory processing issues, learning disabilities, developmental delays, mood disorder?

    I'm going to stick my neck out and suggest that she may have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Many things you said rang true for me with both of my kids on the spectrum. Son was an "easy baby" Neither one likes saying good bye. When they don't like someone or don't care about their opinion social pleasantries are beyond non-existant. DD1 is constantly complaining, BUT it's not really complaining. She's making observations and stating them. She may be enjoying herself in an activity, but you wouldn't know it from her facial expression or the words coming out of her mouth. If she were to ride horses, you'd hear that they stink, and are dirty, and REALLY big, and it's bumpy and there are flies around, and it's not as fast as a car. But when it was all done she'd say she had a great time and couldn't wait to do it again. VERY confusing, but I know that she's and Aspie (very high functioning form of autism) and all those seemingly negative statements were just observations.

    Missing the bus is a big change in routine and falls right in line with my thinking. Are there any other times she has issues? Fire drills? Unexpected activities?

    She sounds very much like DD1 not wanting to share feelings and not participating in therapy. Can't believe you put up with that for two years! I was done and looking to move on after 2 months! And that was before she got her Aspie diagnosis.

    Disclaimer I'm not diagnosing, and am not qualified to do so. Just stating as a Mom what I see, similarities to my experiences. Giving you a possible angle/avenue to pursue getting your daughter evaluated and getting her some help.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Glad you found us (sorry you had to).

    I also think she needs an evaluation and you need to stop second guessing your parenting. However, you did not tell us many details about either your parenting or boyfriend's parenting. I am guessing that you let her hit you and he decided that it was a good idea to hit her. If so, both are wrong and he had no business laying a hand on her as he is not related to her in any way. But you can't just quietly let her hit you either, although a lot of our difficult child's tend to hit us.

    This is what in my opinion would help you best: I would find a neuropsychologist to evaluate her and put her in therapy as well.

    I want to extend some empathy on not having a family. I don't really either. There is my hub and my kids, but as far as others, there is only my 88 year old father who has never ever ever been a nurturing caring or involved parent (he can't even remember my grandson's name and has never seen him...the child is now four). My brother lives in NJ. We aren't close. I am close to my sister now, but we spent many years estranged so our kids don't know one another and have no connection...we don't spent holidays together. I often feel like you do...there is no extended family. My husband of sixteen years (he is my second husband and finally a good one) has no family either. His parents are dead. He has one sister who he is not that close to. My oldest son lives in Missouri (with grandson). You know the rest. I don't think it bothers our kids as much as it bothers us, as long as they have us, and your daughter has you.

    I think also that you would do well in therapy to work on your stuff. You were vague about it, but whatever it is, you will be a much better parent and far more sure of yourself (without allowing anyone else to tell you you're wrong) if you feel better about yourself.

    One last question: Biology is important in the development of our children, even if our kids never see their biological relatives. After all, each child is made up of 50% mom's genes and 50% bio. father's genes, even if he is little more than a sperm donor. Are there any psychiatric problems on either side of your daughter's genetic family tree? Any bipolar? Depression? Schizophrenia? Substance abuse? Other?

    Welcome again! :)
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Rosemary, Welcome! I'm glad you found us. You're receiving good advice from the other wonderful mothers here and I cannot add to that since this is not my area of knowledge. You sound like a caring, loving, nurturing good mom who cares deeply about your child. I send you best wishes and hugs and prayers that you're guided to the best possible resources and support for you and your daughter.