((((HUGS))))) and welcome!
Can you tell us a bit more about her and your family? Has she always been like this? How was her early development? Any childhood traumas? Living with nuclear family, steps, adopted, birth order? Any dxes (diagnoses) or medications? How is she in school? Does she have many friends, clubs, activities? Haw does she do with those?
Yes, it's so much to bombard you with, but the more info you give us the more we can help you out.
Hi Keista, thank you,
She grew up for the most part without her emotionally vacant dad, he lived with- us till she was 1 year then joined Army. Our marriage was a fake shell. There was nothing there, it just happened. He ignored us for the most part after she was 6 months old except for her coming into his room to say hi sometimes. I tried to live with him when she turned 3 for her sake and it did not work, after 2 months, i left. to go back to my home state. i tried. it was very apparent he was not a person that would or could relate on more than a superficial level. she has seen him twice in the past 7 years. both were traumatic.
i single parented her while working on healing my child hood stuff. i isolated myself a lot. i was a stay home single mom for 5 years. I feel like I gave her love and stability. I didn't give her a lot of social or family things. I come from a family that is very small and not close. My parents had their stuff. My dad was not present, his dad was not present. My daughters dad, never met his dad. and when he was about ten his dad was killed by a drunk driver.
he sends birthday and christmas gifts and that is it.
when she was four i met a man and jumped right in with him. he traveled so he was around a few months and then gone for several months. this went on for two years. he seemed to get triggered by my daughter and parenting became a battle and more and more got worse. she saw a lot of fighting and explosiveness with that relationship. She herself got more explosive.
he always told me that when she was little she would hit me and i would just sit there. so according to him, i was a ......... whats the word.........a parent who didn't set limits or dicipline........well to him that was what i was and we hardly agreed on parenting .......... it is through that and since breaking up with him 10 months ago that i have been able to feel like i have a good parenting ability............it is much easier now that i dont have someone always second guessing my decisions and undermining me. i thought i found a really good man and i was wrong. for me, he was poison.
anyway, does this have to do with her. there are times she purposely pushes me. its seems she wants me to lose my temper and yell.
my heart pains over not being able to provide my child a family.......it has mostly been the two of us. i moved us across the country 4 years ago. with him. and it is a big improvement. great job. wonderful home. beautiful sourroundings. and meeting wonderful friends and bit by little bit some community and friendships of the likes i never had before. yet my family is mostly in one state. all three of them. and then my dad is in a near by state where he went 3 years ago to attend to his great uncle and the father he never had's affairs after he died. and he stayed there. he hardly works. has no car. no phone. rents a room. and sometimes dumpster dives to eat : (
it can feel very sad to see people with all this family and traditions. like easter. i feel so so bad that i have not been able to provide that for her. and that i never had it. i feel like a black sheep in a way.
she is great at school, my daughter. quiet. shy. smart. she gets very anxious about missing the bus. she has to ride the bus or she flips out. this happened last week. it was so draining. she just missed it. the clock was off by a minute or two after losing power...........and she was devistated and just focused that on me.
she has always been exuberant and energetic. she was an "easy" baby. i would set her up and she would play and i would make us food, clean house and play with her. i always feel like i didn't spend enough time with her yet, i would carry her around in the sling and backpack alot, we co slept and I nursed her for years. it seems like maybe i am blaming myself...................
with her friends.....she goes hot and cold sometimes. when we leave often she will not give a nice goodbye. and if it is a younger kid or a kid she does not like, often boys....she will not even attempt to be gracious. this bothers me. she wont share with me. it is really super hard for her to talk about feelings. she is spending a lot of time in her room alone these days.
backing up, she was always very social and wanting to play with- other kids....sweet, fun, funny, creative...........
she was pretty easy for the early years.
a few years ago she started having fits where she was out of control throwing wooden drawers over the banister from the second floor and they would crash down. She slapped a window last year and was so lucky she didn't get cut much, she broke it.
she has been around fighting. my ex walked by her once and knocked her down on the floor because he was triggered. i think that i have my stuff which i worked on and parenting the best i could then i met a man who told me the way i was parenting was not right and would interfere or i would try and go along with what he wanted and there was always tension and fighting and there were times when he was super awesome with her...he was soo good at doing things with her. his parents are super stars at this too but when it came to the interpersonal stuff it was a messed up situation. we were in therapy for 2 years. we have a play therapist for daughter too. she wont stay alone with the lady so it is a mom stays and we talk while she listens and jumps in sometimes in a costume or something....it has been helpful but i have had a hard time being consistent with it because of schedule conflicts.
she doesnt do too many activities. she quit girl scouts after 2 years. and i also let her stop basketball as she was not enjoying it. i let her. i encouraged her for the last few practices she went to and then more and more she did not want to go and i was exhausted from working so i just went with it.
she took dance lessons for a few years. she refuses to go to any other dance school that that one which is too far and too expensive.
she can walk across the street to a barn full of horses and work with her friend who is there everyday and my daughter gets to ride too. i used to pay for lessons and now she goes when she wants and gets to enjoy the horses. she gets to live on a beautiful farm. with a giant trampoline in the yard. she lives in the country., and she complains.
