New here-so sad about 19yo son's horrible choices

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by 2wolves, Apr 30, 2012.

  1. 2wolves

    2wolves New Member

    It's not letting up. One poor choice after another, I guess he is where he wants to be in life? Or, he'd stop and change courses.

    He's had an array of self-inflicted problems since he was 15 and he began using drugs. (MJ then xanax then, and now, DXM) His bio father has an addiction history (past-drugs and current-etoh), also paternal uncle (drugs/etoh) and grandmother (etoh).

    Son was in rehab for 5 mos(mandated by court) back in 2010 and just finished 12wks of drug classes(mandated by court). He has several felony charges (all from under age 18 but one). The one after 18 that has stuck and which he is on probation for, is battery to EMS. He was drugged up on DXM and Xanax that night and EMS was called to check his medical stability, as he was slurring and talking to a tree. When he was told he was going to the hospital, he tried to run and they held him down, causing one of them to get an abrasion when he fought. Hence, the charge.

    In Feb, he was virtually GIVEN a free car. Someone in the family passed. He was given that persons car which was in mint condition. Since Feb, he somehow caused several dents in the car (front and back) and needed 2 new rims & one new tire as he must have driven up on some curb causing the damage. All since Feb 2012.

    He has risky behavior. He recently fought 2 guys while at a 'friends' house who apparently tried to steal another friends wallet (a different friend, one who travelled there with him). He had to get 4 staples to his head when he was walking away and they threw a rock at his head. He did not tell me about this, I found from a post he put on FB about how he got his staples removed! When I called him and semi-freaked out on him about how dangerous it was what he did, (those guys could've had a gun or knife) he defended his actions and said he had to 'take care of' his friend whose wallet was being taken.

    He chooses to keep these friends who are not really his friends, he thinks they are. They all have the same risky he keeps them. He can't keep a girlfriend because they can't handle him. One of them was recently talking to me and she told me she found a bottle of cough syrup in his car. (DXM)

    Late last week, he totalled the car. He is FINE. Thank GOD.

    The week before the accident, he FINALLY got a job and a few days before the accident, he was at the local college finding out what he needs to do to start in the fall. Then the accident.

    I am so sad for him. And I am angry at him. But there is nothing I can do for him. He is very stubborn. He has always REFUSED to go to NA. I had him to numerous counselors, one was very good. He refused to followup.

    We have talked and talked with him until we can talk no more. He must be ok with this life. He is a very intelligent person. Very handsome person. Was in advanced classes. Now, he acts like a ghetto, risk-taking 19yo with the emotional maturity of a 15yo due to the drugs.:sigh:

    Even with the recent car incident, last night he was out risk taking. He butt-dialed me at around 1am. I could hear one of his friends and him talking for about 2 minutes. They were flicking a lighter and I believe they were out in some woods because I heard them talking about some of the trees and how some were SO thin and tall. Then, I heard my son say something like 'I'm fixing to go and climb up that tree!'

    My son is living with his paternal grandmother. She has minimal to no, control over him. We live 9hrs away. His father is several states away....My son is stuck where he is due to another year of probation, plus he wouldn't leave his friends anyway. His dad tried to get him to move to the other state with him, offered to get the probation moved, son refused.

    I fear now that he is going to lose (or has already) his brand new job. He is now car-less. Had a free like brand new car (to him) one day and now NONE-it's gone. How will he go to college now?

    Apparently, this is NOT his bottom.....with the conversation that I overheard just last night between he and his friend. Out gallavanting.

    I spoke with him last Wed when he was at the college meeting with someone re: signing up. I believe the accident happened on Thurs, the next day. His grandmother is not very friendly to me and won't talk to me on the phone. Only an occasional text or email with minimal information so I am clueless pretty much. I get most of my information about him from him (this is occasional and MINIMAL), his FB page posts and a secret friend that will talk to me once in awhile, a girl that used to like him.


    That car was basically all he had to his name other than clothes and laptop. It was free and clear, paid for. Now what for him? How will he go to college now in the fall? How will he keep this new (barely part-time) job that he JUST got?:sigh:

    I am so sad, so sad, so sad. I just want him to be happy....why doesn't HE want to be happy? Or, IS he happy like this? I just can't fathom that......thank you for listening.
  2. V. Rita Ellis

    V. Rita Ellis New Member

    Hi There, Hugs and I'm sorry you are going through all this.

    I can resonate with your pain and sense of helplessness.

    My daughter has been out a year and before she left I went through so much with her including violence,stealing,lying,arguing,manipulating,tantrums,laziness,partying,even dangerous promiscuity (which I found out about later).

    Now when she calls it's not to say " Hello " or " I love you mama " It's about some drama in her life,total self absorption blah blah or to play the "blaim game" mind challenge with me .She's even asked me for money! (I'm poor as a pauper. No money to loan!)

    Just this past week she called me in an argument with her boyfriend (which I later found out she started over something on Facebook) and she was mostly very angry. I told her if she feels unsafe to call 911, than she turned on me taking a vicious verbal stance and at the same time they are hollering at each other! So I told her "Hun! I am sending the police over there to do a safety check on you. I'm worried about you!" than I hung up and called the police. Well, this week has been quiet and peaceful. No drama calls from Miss Drama 101! lol

    Hun, your son is a man now. Just like my daughter is an adult women. As a few told me here and in my real life "Sweety you've done your job!" He will be ok. If he does not call do not worry about him. The best gift you can give him is to let him stand on his own two feet and be a man and take responsibility for his own words and actions.

    I am feeling absolutely no guilt in cutting that umbilical cord emotionally with my daughter. That does not mean I don't love her.I love her with all my heart. It just means the lessons she needs to learn now I cannot teach her, only Living and Supporting Her Own Life can teach her these lessons. If she falters she Will get up sooner or later a whole lot stronger.

    I am glad I found this forum. You will find a lot of support here.We war zone,battle weary worry ladened parents need to love ourselves and heal ourselves now.Lay your burdens down and rest. hugs,Rita
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2012
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome 2wolves. I could have written your post. My daughter is 20, will be 21 in five weeks. She has been out of the house for a year and a half. She started smoking pot and drinking at 14 and it progressed from there. She is not on opiates and spice and mushrooms and I think worse. There is no reaching her. She is very involved with a whole group of young people that things they are "ganstas." She has no morals and is doing some pretty disgusting things. I don't even know her anymore. I can;t understand why she has turned to this life and against everything she could have here. She has no job and no money and will be kicked out of her apartment soon because she can;t pay the rent.

    I feel like you do, that she likes living this way, and it appears that she does. But I know it's the drugs. Problem is she doesn't want sobriety enough.

    I wish I had more hopeful advice for you but I'm pretty down myself tonight. Hopefully hope will be coming soon.

  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so sorry you are going thru this. My son's bad choices became apparent at age 19 too. He refused help and just keeps compounding bad decisions with more bad decisions.

    I know it sounds impossible, but you need to stop trying to look ahead. Yes, it's taken me a LONG time to learn that...but that's probably the biggest lesson I learned from this board. My kid doesn't care, he's NOT looking forward and no amount of looking forward FOR him will help him. I can see the road ahead and it's awful but he can't. And I can't see it for him - so I need to stop looking. I don't know if that makes any sense or not -- but he is so blind to the hole he is digging and because of his "blindness", I became hyper vigilant -- and that was not helpful to me.

    And honestly, all the things I thought I could see in the near future, were wrong. Some worse, some better but he has not followed any path I could have seen. So it was a lot of wasted emotion, a lot of self inflicted pain.

    One of the best things I read early on was this essay: Kid’s Bad Decisions Do Not Mean We Are Bad Parents I hope it helps you the way it helped me. One line struck close to my heart (I am paraphrasing) "I wake up EVERY day with a desperate need to do something...and then I realize there is nothing I can do; the emptiness just has to be." I want so much to spring into some sort of action, but nothing I can do will change him. I can just be ready in case he reaches out. The ball is in his court.

    Welcome to the CD board, you will find friends who understand here. Sorry you needed to find us - but so glad you did.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hello, just wanted to welcome you. I hear your heart is breaking and I hurt for you. Keep coming back and can see you are in excellent company. These women are amazing support.

    HUGS to you, Buddy