New here, son failed drug test just need help/support

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tymica, Jan 23, 2014.

  1. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    My 16 year old son has had some minor(ish) behavior problems in the past. Mostly fighting and lying. In spite of that, we had a great relationship and he seemed for the last few years to be turning things around. No fights, his grades were coming up, he was in a college prep program and looking at colleges. Then in August he tore his ACL, MCL, and meniscus playing football. His whole demeanor changed. He just laid in bed all of the time and didn't hang out with the same group of kids. We chalked it up to being depressed over his leg and not being able to play sports and tried to support him the best we knew how. In the beginning of December, he was caught smoking and selling marijuana (by us, not the police). We took his phone, social media, etc.. and began to actively control who he talked to and socialized with, as well as question where any money he had was coming from. His grades were coming back up, he was back hanging around his old group of friends. Things seemed to be better. Until Tuesday when he came home sick from school and our house was broken into. I just had a mom's feeling (intuition) that he had something to do with it. So yesterday my husband and I drug tested him. He failed for pot and opiates. Not only did he fail, but when he was in the bathroom taking the test he tried to dilute it and was caught so we had to go buy another test. He has a father who is not in the picture, and my husband has been his dad since he was a few weeks old. But I want to send him away to go live with his father and wash my hands completely of him. He still claims that he had nothing to do with the break in, but I find that so hard to believe. I just dont know what to do. Is there anything I can do to make it better or am I better to just write him off now before he ends up hurting himself or someone else. I have an 9 year old daughter that I need to be protecting.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would put him in a rehab first. It is doubtful his father will be able to change him. Maybe a rehab can reach him.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another vote for rehab. He needs help.

  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    I agree. The good news is he is still a minor. If you can stay on top of this and he gets serious about getting his life straight, a good rehab for the right length of time can really help. I wish you and him the best.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Tymica, nice to meet you. Did you call the police about the break in? Are they investigating it? That could be your leverage to getting him into treatment. If they do find he was involved you can ask to have treatment made part of his sentence. He is a juvenile and they treat those offenders differently and often take the parents wishes into consideration.

    When you first said he was into sports and had an injury and then began acting differently I immediately thought of pain pills. That is how so many of our young people become addicted. In the past several years there were two very talented college football players who both got injured and began taking pain pills, moved on to heroin, and both died within a few months of each other. Sending him to his dad's will not help. If you are prepared to make him leave, do it to the places that can help him. You have custody and he is usign and selling drugs. He needs treatment and he has no choice. He may refuse to go but you will have to be prepared to get the police involved.
  6. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    My husband and I discussed rehab. There are 2 things we keep coming back to: 1. He is a compulsive liar. Even last night when I accused him of diluting his drug test he denied it. I asked him "why is it cold? It's not possible for a person to pee cold." He would say I don't know, I didn't do anything to it. Go get another one I'll take it. I'll pass. He got some $ for Christmas that husband and I have been holding onto for him and he even offered to pay for the test out of his $$. He tries to be very convincing but we have had enough to know better. Up until the time the test actually came back positive, he denied altering the 1st test or that he was using at all. So we are afraid he would go to rehab and "charm" his way through with no real intention on getting better. and 2. I don't think he wants to stop using. I don't know if a rehab would do anything but run a bunch of bills we can't afford when he does not want to change.
  7. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    Yes, we involved the police and I told the police that I felt he had something to do with it. As far as the injury and pain pills goes, you are right. At our school the athletes are drug tested, and he was tested 3 times last school year and passed each time. This seems like it has spiraled out of control so fast.

  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    All drug addicts lie---that is part of the disease. Rehabs know this and can deal with it.

    If you can get the court to order rehab and he chooses that instead of a sentence, he will have to complete it or he gets the sentence anyway.

    I have been told by experts that even when a user relapses it is not as good as the first time ever was and If they have been to rehab that good info is in their head at least.

    Just a thought.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another thought is that almost no one goes into rehab wanting to stop. Listening to the people in my daughter's rehab we almost laughed. They all admitted to going in just to please their family or ordered by the court, thinking all along that they would come right back out and use. Some do...but it's a start and they learn the tools they need to make it the next time.

    I don't know if he needs rehab, only you know how bad it is. I would definitely find an adolescent drug counselor and have him evaluated...with input from you of course. I understand the concern about money, on the other hand you only have two years to have any say in the matter.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    We don't know each other so I hate to give strong advice right off the bat BUT (sorry but I'm old and have raised eight teenagers) if he has been a "good kid" for 16 years and in the last six or eight weeks has made poor choices PLEASE don't ship him off to a biodad that he doesn't even know! You and your husband are his parents. Certainly the two of you can continue to love a now imperfect teenage son.

    "Sending him away" would be total rejection and likely would have lifelong impacts. You have alot of other choices. Outpatient counseling? Teen addition groups? Inpatient rehab programs? Learn what is available and use the options well. You wouldn't kick your husband out of the house if he made a decision based on poor judgement. If you can't provide loving support to your child at this will lose him and even worse he will lose himself. Man Up. DDD
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  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    My vote is also rehab...and fast.
  12. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Yet, he was caught diluting this most recent test? None of those tests can be trusted. He may have been diluting them and hiding the problem all along.

    My opinion, get him evaluated for Chemical Addiction ASAP. Google the closest major city and "alcohol and drug assessment" and results will give you an idea where to take him.

    We were waiting for my son's evaluation and looking into treatment options when he tried to hang himself over his drug pipe being taken away. After being released from the hospital, he went straight to rehab. He just turned 18 and is doing pretty well. He now has a good foundation and tools to use when he feels the need to get high. We too have to worry about younger siblings, my son is the oldest of 4. Do you think you would able to live with yourself if you just write him out of your life now without getting him the help that he needs? Someone here put it in perspective for me. Addiction is a disease. If your son has it, he needs help. If he had cancer, or some other disease you would move heaven and earth to get him well again, no? Thinking about it this way really helped me see how much my son needed us. Trust me, I know how hard it is when all they do it lie and steal from you. But he needs you more than ever right now. (((HUGS)))
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    My son is in jail on a probation violation. The court is looking at ordering a mental health evaluation with a psychologist plus a substance abuse assessment with a drug and alcohol counselor. You might consider one or both of those. My son's attorney asked me to research who we would like him to recommend and he would ask the judge to order it. I spent a week talking to different people and making phone calls to get some recommendations. I am sure he has been evaluated before in the rehabs he has been in but we (his parents) have not received that information since he has not signed a release allowing that. I know HIPPA exists for good reasons but it is extremely frustrating not to have his type of information about our son. Since he is a minor you can get a full picture now which will be helpful down the road for you all.
  14. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    Thank you for all of your great advice and support. Here is an update. When he got home from school today we all sat down and I told him that 1 condition of him staying was that he had to be honest about any questions I asked, and I would not judge the answer, I just had to believe the answer. He came clean about the break-in (or as clean as I think he will get). He says he didn't orchestrate or set up the break in but he knows who did it. It was a dealer he stole from back in December. He gave me the full description of their car, etc... We are going to try individual counseling (and possibly family) and weekly drug tests, as well as the discipline gammit of no phone, no social life, etc...He admits that he was selfish in doing it and that he is probably addicted to marijuana, but won't admit that the painkillers are a problem. He told us he did them "for fun" on Sunday with friends, and we just happened to test him Wednesday, but he hasn't ever taken them before except when and as prescribed for his knee surgery (He has been off any type of painkillers for his knee since October). I'm not sure if I believe that, but he was pretty brutally honest about everything else so I just don't know what to think about that. I guess the bottom line is that he stays for now with 3 conditions 1. Clean drug tests every week. 2. Complete honesty. 1 lie, 1 exaggeration, 1 fib and the deal is off. 3. Go to counseling and really try to work on being the person he wants to become, rather that just going because we are forcing him to. If he breaks any of those conditions, rather than sending him to biodad, I will send him to a inpatient treatment/troubled teen program in the state where I live that is a 7-9 month stay. As I told him, he would lose any chance of playing sports his senior year, graduating with his class that he has been with since 2nd grade, and he would miss 7-9 months of life with his family. Now I just have to remember that I can't make the choices for him, I just have to be able to have boundaries and consequences that I can live with enforcing.
  15. Tymica

    Tymica Member

  16. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    That's good!!

    I suggest you make sure the counselor is a licensed drug and alcohol therapist. Also, keep in mind there are drugs that wont turn up in drug screenings unless the dr is specifically looking for them. Examples... synthetic marijuana and cough syrups or DXM. Frequent, random drug testing actually pushed my son into those drugs so he wouldnt get caught. :( Im telling you this just so you can be aware.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad to read of your plan. with-o sharing the info I suggest you research the socio-economic breakdown at the residential program. The first program I chose (with recommendations from others who had used it) turned out to have very very few private pay teens. The majority were court ordered and had juvie records. Had I known to check his 2nd program would have been his first and possibly his last. Now is a good time for "secret" research. Fingers crossed. Hugs DDD