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New here. Thought we had made it through the worse....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710309" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son, who had a difficult beginning (adopted at 22 months) deals with all of the same things, except he has never been as high-functioning as your son, and he is obsessively clean, although dresses raggedly.</p><p></p><p>The lying, marijuana use to self-medicate, immaturity, poor coping, history of anxiety, depression began when he was about 18 or 19, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, immaturity, ADHD as a child, no major behavioral problems, no aggression until he became depressed, all of it the same.</p><p></p><p>My son is now 28. He has no goals although he vaguely says he wants to complete college (only one year completed); satisfied receiving SSI for mental illness which he feels is temporary yet has no real idea of how he will work himself off of it.</p><p></p><p>At the same time, he is getting better. Pushed by us, he is working for us helping to remodel a house we purchased. He has returned to martial arts, which he loved, and let go 10 years ago. He SAYS he is going to Mental Health. He has began the medication that he needs for a chronic illness. He is more cooperative and more loving.</p><p></p><p>What shifted? About 6 years ago we threw him out. He had quit a job he had for 15 months. He was depressed, yes, but he would not seek treatment. When it was clear he would not do anything to help himself, I felt my only choice was to kick him out.</p><p></p><p>I am not sure, still, if I did the right thing. It took 4 years until we could work out a way to live together again or close. I will spare you that story. He was homeless for a time. He did a lot of couch surfing and lived marginally. It was heart-breaking. He suffered a lot.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, they are adults. They have to decide to live or die. Nobody, not even loving parents can decide for them. Living requires consistent choices to do constructive things, some difficult. Most of all, adults have to live by rules. Few people in this world are able to do what they want or what they feel like.</p><p></p><p>We have had a continuing battle about the marijuana. We can no longer tolerate kicking out my son. But we will not tolerate the marijuana near us. There has been near constant conflict. Because he has not wanted to give in, nor have we.</p><p></p><p>Gradually, I think, he is coming around to seeing that we will not give up. Nor will we give up on him. Somehow there is a slow change in him, a realization that there has to be give, to live as a family. He seems to be realizing that we WANT the best for him. He is seeming to understand that he is responsible for his impulsivity and he is responsible for his moods. By that I mean he is responsible to find remedy, to seek treatment and to find support and intervention.</p><p></p><p>His follow-through is less than stellar, but I believe the conversation is entering his brain. I can see change, and this has made all of the difference. Of course I despair sometimes. But I am not in that place all of the time. I have hope. This hope gives me energy to keep doing this.</p><p></p><p>In your son's case there are a lot of good things to say. His achievement. His ambition. His motivation. His intelligence and capacity. His willingness to go to a psychiatrist. His many friendships. His interests.</p><p></p><p>What I would advise is this: you have identified issues. The self-medication. Behaviors. Withdrawal. Not leaving room. Not showering. Not wanting to work. Anxiety.</p><p></p><p>What comes next is to decide what you need to see from your son, to keep going on this way. And for how long.</p><p></p><p>Have you spoken to the psychiatrist about their thoughts about what your son needs? Would he or she be willing to refer to a residential treatment center? Is your son willing to consider groups? What does he think about his drug use? Does he articulate what he thinks are the issues? Does he express motivation at all at this point to change anything? Is he interested in something that may be a source of energy and recreation? Walking. Movement of any kind. Music. Art. Any expressive activity.</p><p></p><p>Has he considered a tutor for the subjects he finds challenging? Would he be willing to work with somebody privately now?</p><p></p><p>All of these things help with depression.</p><p></p><p>I will only state my opinion: A diagnosis of major depression does not absolve somebody from dealing with life. If he cannot function and outpatient treatment is not dealing with it, I would think about residential treatment. My son has gone twice. The last one he went to he loved, but it turned out his insurance would not cover it.</p><p></p><p>There are RTCs for dual diagnosis which means the combination of an acute psychiatric diagnosis, the major depression, with substance abuse or dependence.</p><p></p><p>I should have tried to get my son into a residential treatment center years ago. I have to tell you, it never entered my mind. I was in complete denial that my son was mentally ill. Honestly. I do not know why.</p><p></p><p>As far as your husband's reaction to the situation, I totally identify with him. I was angry too. I wanted my son to just "get over it." I am ashamed to say this, but it was true. I was very, very wrong.</p><p></p><p>If I had it to do over again I would give my son the option of residential treatment or insist he leave. Actually, I told him to get treatment, and he would not. Realistically, if this was the case, what would have been my leverage to get him to residential treatment? I need to lay off myself.</p><p></p><p>This is so, so hard. I was a single parent and I did not have to answer to another parent, or deal with anybody else's responses. This made it harder and easier at the same time.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you posted. I hope you keep posting. Not only will you get support, by posting you see reflected on the screen...where you are...and this way you get out your feelings...and can reflect upon the situation so as to change it.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are here. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710309, member: 18958"] My son, who had a difficult beginning (adopted at 22 months) deals with all of the same things, except he has never been as high-functioning as your son, and he is obsessively clean, although dresses raggedly. The lying, marijuana use to self-medicate, immaturity, poor coping, history of anxiety, depression began when he was about 18 or 19, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, immaturity, ADHD as a child, no major behavioral problems, no aggression until he became depressed, all of it the same. My son is now 28. He has no goals although he vaguely says he wants to complete college (only one year completed); satisfied receiving SSI for mental illness which he feels is temporary yet has no real idea of how he will work himself off of it. At the same time, he is getting better. Pushed by us, he is working for us helping to remodel a house we purchased. He has returned to martial arts, which he loved, and let go 10 years ago. He SAYS he is going to Mental Health. He has began the medication that he needs for a chronic illness. He is more cooperative and more loving. What shifted? About 6 years ago we threw him out. He had quit a job he had for 15 months. He was depressed, yes, but he would not seek treatment. When it was clear he would not do anything to help himself, I felt my only choice was to kick him out. I am not sure, still, if I did the right thing. It took 4 years until we could work out a way to live together again or close. I will spare you that story. He was homeless for a time. He did a lot of couch surfing and lived marginally. It was heart-breaking. He suffered a lot. But the thing is, they are adults. They have to decide to live or die. Nobody, not even loving parents can decide for them. Living requires consistent choices to do constructive things, some difficult. Most of all, adults have to live by rules. Few people in this world are able to do what they want or what they feel like. We have had a continuing battle about the marijuana. We can no longer tolerate kicking out my son. But we will not tolerate the marijuana near us. There has been near constant conflict. Because he has not wanted to give in, nor have we. Gradually, I think, he is coming around to seeing that we will not give up. Nor will we give up on him. Somehow there is a slow change in him, a realization that there has to be give, to live as a family. He seems to be realizing that we WANT the best for him. He is seeming to understand that he is responsible for his impulsivity and he is responsible for his moods. By that I mean he is responsible to find remedy, to seek treatment and to find support and intervention. His follow-through is less than stellar, but I believe the conversation is entering his brain. I can see change, and this has made all of the difference. Of course I despair sometimes. But I am not in that place all of the time. I have hope. This hope gives me energy to keep doing this. In your son's case there are a lot of good things to say. His achievement. His ambition. His motivation. His intelligence and capacity. His willingness to go to a psychiatrist. His many friendships. His interests. What I would advise is this: you have identified issues. The self-medication. Behaviors. Withdrawal. Not leaving room. Not showering. Not wanting to work. Anxiety. What comes next is to decide what you need to see from your son, to keep going on this way. And for how long. Have you spoken to the psychiatrist about their thoughts about what your son needs? Would he or she be willing to refer to a residential treatment center? Is your son willing to consider groups? What does he think about his drug use? Does he articulate what he thinks are the issues? Does he express motivation at all at this point to change anything? Is he interested in something that may be a source of energy and recreation? Walking. Movement of any kind. Music. Art. Any expressive activity. Has he considered a tutor for the subjects he finds challenging? Would he be willing to work with somebody privately now? All of these things help with depression. I will only state my opinion: A diagnosis of major depression does not absolve somebody from dealing with life. If he cannot function and outpatient treatment is not dealing with it, I would think about residential treatment. My son has gone twice. The last one he went to he loved, but it turned out his insurance would not cover it. There are RTCs for dual diagnosis which means the combination of an acute psychiatric diagnosis, the major depression, with substance abuse or dependence. I should have tried to get my son into a residential treatment center years ago. I have to tell you, it never entered my mind. I was in complete denial that my son was mentally ill. Honestly. I do not know why. As far as your husband's reaction to the situation, I totally identify with him. I was angry too. I wanted my son to just "get over it." I am ashamed to say this, but it was true. I was very, very wrong. If I had it to do over again I would give my son the option of residential treatment or insist he leave. Actually, I told him to get treatment, and he would not. Realistically, if this was the case, what would have been my leverage to get him to residential treatment? I need to lay off myself. This is so, so hard. I was a single parent and I did not have to answer to another parent, or deal with anybody else's responses. This made it harder and easier at the same time. I am glad you posted. I hope you keep posting. Not only will you get support, by posting you see reflected on the screen...where you are...and this way you get out your feelings...and can reflect upon the situation so as to change it. I am glad you are here. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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