New here, what to do about impending new baby?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AppleCori, Mar 4, 2013.

  1. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    Found this site recently and I've been reading posts. Wow, I can't believe the similarities to my situation!

    Some background info:

    19yo stepson lived with us until April 2012. He had been (not so much) going to his community college classes all year. Lots of arguements with his dad. He smoked pot and started spice, who knows what else. The second semester he only had two classes, but still didn't put out any effort. He has always been a difficult, hard-to-parent child. His dad hoped to get him through a two-year program and into the workforce with some skills but that wasn't to be. He lied, used drugs, had fits if his dad said something he didn't want to hear, was extremely messy and lazy.

    It all came to a head early April when we came downstairs and were greeted with a terrible mess in the kitchen. I keep a pretty spotless kitchen; I don't mind a little mess when I come down in the morning because i don't expect him (difficult child) to have my standards, but this looked like a tornado had gone through in the night! He and his girlfriend had made hamburgers, cupcakes, and whatever else and had left cabinets open, stuff spilling out onto the floor, cake batter all over the counter, food out, dirty dishes all over the counters, food spilled, just a total disaster. Almost seemed like it was on purpose, you would need to really try to be that messy!

    Dad yells at them to come and clean up their mess. They were still sleeping and difficult child wouldn't come so dad went in the room to get him. He finally came out, looked around, and said it wasn't his mess. Then he said, have the maid do it (he meant me!). The arguement went on, difficult child pulled a sword!!!??? on his dad, dad had to punch him and ordered them both out of the house with some not-so-nice words to the girlfriend as well because he felt she could have gotten her lazy rear up and started cleaning to try and defuse the situation. We had always been very good to the girlfriend, buying her soda and junk food that she liked, things we wouldn't normally buy, giving them $ to go on dates, etc.

    They walk off, dad tries to call him, he won't answer, dad is distraught, calls difficult child's mom, she says he can stay with her (previously said no way). He is with her about one month, he escalates his bad behavior, drugs, quits school, gets kicked out of his moms (early May) and goes to stay with friends, gets kicked out of several friends houses, loses his job, girlfriend breaks up with him (they get back together in July) finally is back at his moms by late June, she says temporarily. She wants us to take him back saying he cannot stay with her. We give him a list of conditions that will be written into a contract that he will have to sign and follow in order to come back. He says no way. The mom trys to get his dad to pick him up anyway, but he holds firm.

    In July difficult child mom calls and asks us if she can bring difficult child over to stay with us for the weekend. No way since he won't follow rules. Then she calls back and asks if we can trade off and take him ever other week! No way! Later calls back and says she is dropping him of at our door and if we don't take him in its our fault that he will be homeless. His dad is devestated, but keeps the hard line and won't let him back. He asks to be dropped off at a friends house. We later learn the friend won't let him come back because he did the same things to him that he did to us and his mom and everyone else he has stayed with. Friend takes him to a homeless shelter. Next day his mom lets him back in.

    He lives in his moms cellar, occasionally getting a job, spending all his $ on drugs, getting fired, and thats the way it goes for a while. He will rarely answer the phone to talk to his dad. Then in early December he answers, says he has been kicked out of his mom's house and has no place to go. His dad goes to pick him up, (its night and really cold) he comes to our house and proceeds to tell us his girlfriend is pregnant and due in mid-March (12th). He tells us he is almost assured of getting this good job and will probably start in a week or so. After much talking, he spends the night with us but dad has his doubts as to whether difficult child has really changed. He goes back to his mom's and we work out a deal where she brings him to a day labor center on her way to work and I pick him up after he signs up for second shift work (1st shifts are already taken by 6am)and take him back when he needs to be, this until the new job starts. He works three shifts, but then I find he gets his daily pay, bought drugs and got high in our house. However, he claims to have gotten the new job and his mom takes him to the new job everyday, till a couple weeks later when she finds him hiding in her house during the day. He claims he just got fired. Who knows. No job since, though he regularly sells his blood to finance cigarettes, drugs and alchol.

    Now we are into March and know that the baby is due any day now. The girlfriend is not any more ready than difficult child is. She is 21yo but doesn't have a drivers licence, never had a job, lives with her parents who are poor themselves and probably can't afford another child. I don't know how prepared they are to deal with this. Actually,we don't even know for sure if this is really difficult child's baby, as they were broken up during the obvious conception dates. He insisted the doctor said she got pregnant in May, but I have never heard of the doctor telling anyone they would be pg for 10 months and I told him so! This complicates things. We have offered to pay for a paternity test but I doubt difficult child will ask for one.

    We are not sure what to do!

    Thanks for listening!
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our board AC. If you have read some of our stories then you know we have been there done that and understand what you are going through. We have anopther member here who hoefully will be coming along to welcome you that is going through much the same with her difficult child who is pregnant.

    We have all come to understand that we know our difficult child's are lying when their lips are moving. You really can't believe a word he tells you. He is spending all his money on drugs. I would not allow your difficult child in your house while he is using. How sad that these two young people are bringing a baby into this world when they are in no position to be parents. I have been there done that also when my difficult child told us she was pregnant about 18 months ago. She was currently living in a sober house and we would not allow her to come back home. Thank goodness she decided very early on that she was not ready to have a baby and went to planned parenthood with our support. I don't know where she would be today without that.

    The best thing you can do right now is not enable your son any longer. Do not allow him to come to your home. He will have to decide what he is going to do and how he is going to take care of his family. Many of us have had to turn our difficult children away and offer them support if they want to get help but nothing more. If it were me I would also try to get him to agree to a paternity test.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    WOW! Welcome and good luck. My only advice is not to take in the baby until paternity is determined.

    Technically a pregnancy is 10 months. I know everyone says 9 months but due dates are for the end of the nineth month. IE: 40 weeks is when you are projected to deliver.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with Nancy. Don't enable him anymore and it's a real pity that she is going to have the baby. At the very least, she should consider adoption. Neither are in a position to give this child a good life.

    You asked what you can do. Nothing. He is over eighteen and not living with you and still using drugs. You can't help him unless he wants help and it doesn't seem as if he ready. I wouldn't go there with the paternity test as your son probably will not appreciate it or do it and sounds attached enough to his girlfriend that he'd stick with her and the baby even if it isn't his biological child.

    Hugs and I'm sorry.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies!

    Yes, no more enabling! When he told us about the baby coming, and that he wasn't doing drugs any more and wanted to take care of the new family, we had so hoped it was true and wanted to help him get a job and start providing for them. Of course we were all duped again! We have had a difficult time comprehending how a young man who supposedly loves his girlfriend could continue to be so selfish! It is a biological instinct to take care of your offspring. I had hoped this would be a wake-up call.

    I so wish the girlfriend would give the baby up for adoption, but its not going to happen. They both seem to be living in la-la land. He goes over to her (parents) house and they hang out and watch TV and such or she goes to difficult child's (mom's) house to hang out and no one seems to be concerned that they are acting like children instead of adults with jobs and taking responsibility for their actions. I wonder if they just assume someone else is going to provide for them?

    difficult child's mom can't bring herself to throw him out permanently. She doesn't seem to be able to enforce rules. She actually pays him to clean his own room!
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Well, no baby yet.

    difficult child, impending father, was taunting and teasing his 17yo brother yesterday till said brother punched him, giving him a black eye. He will look nice at the hospital, won't he? Real grown up behavior, difficult child! I can tell you are ready to be a father!

    I still am not sure where we stand in all of this. difficult child hasn't talked to us in quite a while, difficult child's mom is now mad about yesterday's incident (put that story on Parent Emeritus Board) and 17yo imending Uncle doesn't want anything to do with his difficult child brother and girlfriend, so we may not even hear of the birth right away. difficult child has been using 'spice' again (or maybe never stopped). 17yo says there are empty packets all over difficult child's room. The mom just says, well its legal! Sigh....

    I would love to be a part of the baby's life, but we are worried about being pulled into difficult child drama and also being held hostage to threats of not seeing the baby unless we do/provide whatever they want. We don't want to enable difficult child to continue living the way he does, but I'm also worried about a spice user having an infant in their care.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Apple, I feel sad for you and the others here who know their baby grands are growing in an unhealthy body and will live in an unhealthy home. Seems all you can do is call child protection if needed.

    But that can't feel good.

    Praying the baby is born healthy and they care for it lovingly.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry this is happening. I don't blame his brother, my easy child had a difficult time dealing with her sister also.

    Spice is NOT legal anywhere. There are federal laws against it and any of the ingredients used to make it. It is also lethal and more dangerous than pot. We have had some recent news stories about spice and its dangers, it is very scary.

    I think at this point you just have to sit back and wait.
  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    This stuff he smokes is called Spice here, maybe it's different from the stuff that is illegal. This is sold in various stores in packets and is suppose to be bath salts or something. The ingredients keep changing so that the makers stay one step ahead of the law.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Spice is very very illegal everywhere. If you know of a store selling it report it to the police. Bath salts are illegal in more states and will be in all very soon.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My difficult child has also smoked spice.... I know in some places it is illegal. It was sold as a form of insense..... my son used it because at least for awhile it would not show up on drug tests. As much as i hate pot it is less dangerous for them to smoke pot than spice.

    And my easy child daughter also wanted nothing to do with her brother... and in my opinion letting your easy child have no contact with brother while using is a good idea... no reason for him to have to have contact with someone who is using drugs... and spice is a drug no matter what anyone says.

  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Spice is illegal on the federal level everywhere in the U.S. Don't let your difficult child fool you into thinking it's legal.
  13. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    Nancy, I hope that your above comment is eventually the case. Unfortunately, it's a very complicated matter. I've copied and pasted a comment from a police forum:

    "I just wanted to give you guys a heads up....What I predicted, is exactly what has happened. This stuff is still all over the place and can be found in many tobacco/cigar shops and head shops. They are just using a different, currently legal chemical. Many brands will contain the the wording "Tennessee Legal" and some also list the specific chemicals that are not present in their blend. Of course, they don't happen to mention what chemicals are present...."

    While certain strands of it are illegal in Tennessee, the makers of this stuff keep beating the system and coming up with different chemicals that have not been listed as illegal...yet. My sons prosecutor confirmed this last week and said it's a very tricky situation. I also stopped a police officer and asked him if the spice that is sold in a smoke shop down the street from my office (where my difficult child gets it) is legal. He said unfortunately, yes, for now, anyway. I hope and pray that they will clean up the law some how and make it ALL illegal, no matter the chemicals that are used.
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    OK here is the deal. The federal government has defined spice and synthetic drugs in a way which would make it illegal even if they changed the ingredients. Each state can adopt the federal schedule to make it illegal by state laws also. Even if those states do not adopt the same standards, it is illegal in federal courts. Most states have adopted the same federal guidelines which makes it illegal both in the federal and state eyes. Some states, I guess Tennessee being one, has not yet done so. It's not difficult to do so if Tennessee wants all spice and synthetic drugs to be illegal they should adopt the same drug schedule that the feds have. It is still not legal in Tennessee to use spice, however until the state adopts the same standards the feds would have to prosecute and they probably won't go after small time users and state laws are not yet enforceable until those states use the federal guidelines.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2013
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Apple I am so sorry you are going through this. The birth of a grandchild is supposed to be a joyous event. Unfortunately many difficult child's spoil that for the grandparents. If there is illegal drug use going on or if you think the baby is in danger, then call DSS and tell them to investigate. Yes even if the baby isn't born yet. The child could be deemed "at risk" and supervision might be put in place from birth until no longer necessary. I fostered many of these little ones right from the hospital when I was a foster mom. The parents are given parenting classes, hooked up to WIC and other programs, and are given gudlines that thy have to follow to keep their baby at home with them. At the very least girlfriend might get some info on what services are available for the baby and her.