New here, would like to introduce myself

[DDD]

been there done that...sending understanding hugs your way. I can't tell you how much I hoped and prayed that my "star" achiever was just going thru a short stage of experimentation. My two grown sons in fact did have teen pot use and one also drank. They moved on and are responsible adult parents. Sadly our grandson slid into substance abuse and ended up with a GED and now ten plus years of use.

There's just no way to know which direction it will take unless you "see" changes. None of my three boys ever were combative or disrespectful. I have always been able to maintain our close bond. Yeah, even with difficult child#1 who is now 24 and taking baby steps forward.

I believe that a short non-accusatory conversation is the best way to approach the subject. Just hit the highlights. You have admitted that you are smoking pot on occasion and likely you are drinking also. (I personally would not toss in about finding the bottles.) Although you have researched the subject Dad and I indirectly know alot of parents who had teens accidentally fall into addiction because they also believed it would not hurt them. We love you and want you to be safe and protect the future you have worked so hard to plan. Pot is illegal. Alcohol is illegal for minors. We realize that we can not control your choices away from home but here are two rules that must be followed. There will be no drugs or alcohol in our home. There will be no drugs or alcohol in our car. We can not allow illegal activities that we can control. Please rethink your choices and perhaps the friends who are into drugs and alcohol. Remember you can safely talk to either one of us or both of us at any time. Do not allow anyone in the car with substances if you want to continue having family priviledges. Do not have any sign of substance abuse in our home or on our property. No whine. No cry. Just facts.

Obviously I don't mean use those words but it worked for our three teens. They separated their personal choices from the family. Later, of course, difficult child#1 became addicted and then the situation had to change. Sending caring support your way. DDD

 

[Zardo]

Welcome. I think you have gotten some very good advice. I lived through the nightmare of losing my loving 14 year old son to pot obsession. We have spent two years fighting to get him back. He is so much better now, but I am very wary of the dangers of pot use. When I read your story, it sounds like recreational use....somthing to keep an eye on and communicate about, but not to panic about or "call out the dogs". Unfortunately, pot is SO much of the culture of the high school and college crowd these days. I don't approve in any way, but there is a difference between an occasional user who is functioning within the bounds of normalcy in their life and someone who has become completely enveloped in the culture of drug use, no longer values things like education or hard work, uses to the point of it affecting their emotions and ability to function in your home, hold a job or anything productive. My sister's college age kids are functioning pot smokers. She hates it, but they are respectful, hold down decent jobs, get good grades, etc. After fighting the constant presence of pot in her home, in their pockets when she did their laundry, in the cars, standing outside of their homes with their friends, etc. she developed boundaries that have helped her to keep a loving relationship with her boys through this time in their life. Their rules is no drugs in the house, period. Since they violated that rule many times, she then told them that they need to get apartments of their own. The door is open at her house, they have great family dinners when they visit, which is often, but she and her H could not handle their home being used as a partying hang out. Finding pot and paraphenalia around her home on a weekly basis made her unsettled in her own home. So, I guess the key is the level of use and the level of functioning in their lives. The percent of young people that use pot is huge, I believe it to be even higher than what is formally known, but that doesn't mean that everyone that uses it has a problem. Watch his behavior and level of functioning at school, in his job, interpersonally at home. Let him know what your boundaries are in your home and if you pay for his car. Draw your line that you can live with. Either he will choose to respect your line or not. If he cannot, you can decide if it's time for him to get his own place. It wouldn't be a bad lesson anyway and he would have less $$ for partying.

 

[shannonontheprairie]

been there done that...sending understanding hugs your way. I can't tell you how much I hoped and prayed that my "star" achiever was just going thru a short stage of experimentation. My two grown sons in fact did have teen pot use and one also drank. They moved on and are responsible adult parents. Sadly our grandson slid into substance abuse and ended up with a GED and now ten plus years of use.

There's just no way to know which direction it will take unless you "see" changes. None of my three boys ever were combative or disrespectful. I have always been able to maintain our close bond. Yeah, even with difficult child#1 who is now 24 and taking baby steps forward.

I believe that a short non-accusatory conversation is the best way to approach the subject. Just hit the highlights. You have admitted that you are smoking pot on occasion and likely you are drinking also. (I personally would not toss in about finding the bottles.) Although you have researched the subject Dad and I indirectly know alot of parents who had teens accidentally fall into addiction because they also believed it would not hurt them. We love you and want you to be safe and protect the future you have worked so hard to plan. Pot is illegal. Alcohol is illegal for minors. We realize that we can not control your choices away from home but here are two rules that must be followed. There will be no drugs or alcohol in our home. There will be no drugs or alcohol in our car. We can not allow illegal activities that we can control. Please rethink your choices and perhaps the friends who are into drugs and alcohol. Remember you can safely talk to either one of us or both of us at any time. Do not allow anyone in the car with substances if you want to continue having family priviledges. Do not have any sign of substance abuse in our home or on our property. No whine. No cry. Just facts.

Obviously I don't mean use those words but it worked for our three teens. They separated their personal choices from the family. Later, of course, difficult child#1 became addicted and then the situation had to change. Sending caring support your way. DDD

Thank you, DDD! I know you said "not those words," but they are great words! I am done with 'panic mode' but I really take it to heart that we cannot be complacent and stick our heads in the sand. As I was searching his room, I was rifling through some keepsakes- his track equipment, his tassles and sashes from graduation, his box of birthday ornaments from his gramma. It made me deeply, deeply sad, thinking about how tragic it could be if he just chose the wrong path and lost his potential. Then I thought of all the parents who are in a similar and worse situations, and that makes me sad, too. Ironic how we don't really think about the everyday tragedies of life sometimes, until they become personal. I really appreciate the support you all have already shown, and feel for the anguish you have been exposed to.

Thank you...

 

[shannonontheprairie]

The door is open at her house, they have great family dinners when they visit, which is often, but she and her H could not handle their home being used as a partying hang out. Finding pot and paraphenalia around her home on a weekly basis made her unsettled in her own home.

Thank you, Zardo, missed your post before my last reply! It was only an off-chance encounter that finally clued us in to what was going on at the house, but I guess I always wondered. Nothing so blatant as you described. It has gotten really quiet around here since that night his dad busted him. I have very mixed feeling about that. I am certainly irritated that the kids have taken advantage of our generosity, good-natures and our ignorance/complacence. You think you might be offering shelter, when in fact you are offering an outlet. THAT irks me to no end.

 

[Zardo]

by the way - loving DDDs excellent suggested approach.......it's the intial "shot across the bow" that you need and it lets him know the guidelines for staying in your home. It's direct but respectful - gets it on the table without accusation - go for it and then just monitor

 

[exhausted]

Hello and welcome S,
Your house your rules and values. I would search, I would take the car away if you find pot again. He could looose his license and even get hurt or hurt someone if he drives while under the influence. I'm sorry but that isnt a risk I would take. And really, too bad about school if he isnt going to follow the rules. My daughter is a pot smoker. She does not drink and has not used other drugs (she has been in over 2 years of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and regularly tested, and there are no signs)-she is very arogant and academic about her pot use. She thinks she is a cut above other drug users. The issue is that it does slow them down-she is lazy after using and eats. Her attitude is "I don't care." Every long term pot-head I know is an underachiever. Yes, it makes them feel better and my daughter is a lot nicer. However, it is illegal and she is avoiding dealing with her feelings in a healthy way. She has had much treatment because of her issues and yet she continues to use. It has changed this gifted kids future. She does not have a drivers licence and we refuse to help her get one until she is drug free. We also refuse to cart her around. Our public transit is slow-but oh well, she has put herself in this situation.

I have become so hardline because I love her so much and we have tried so much. Also being on the board and reading has taught me that giving an inch is really giving a mile when it comes to drug use. I don't have the answers, but I would not take it lightly. If he gets into legal trouble it makes life even harder.

Keep us posted and get all the education about this as you can.

 

[shannonontheprairie]

Keep us posted and get all the education about this as you can.

Thank you, I will and I am. I feel so ignorant about the whole thing. Never really crossed my radar that this could be an issue for us. Hope things go better for your daughter.

 

[DDD]

Ooops...forgot one important thing that we all agree on. Make absolutely sure that you and your husband are on the exact same page. If you don't have a united front the chances are you will lose the war. Hugs DDD

 

[shannonontheprairie]

Ooops...forgot one important thing that we all agree on. Make absolutely sure that you and your husband are on the exact same page. If you don't have a united front the chances are you will lose the war. Hugs DDD

Excellent point. I believe we are, but since the revelation that he was stashing in his car just happened last night we haven't really had a chance to talk about it yet. But we will hash it out (no pun intended, I SWEAR!!) before we have our chat with him.

 

[Cressida]

Ooops...forgot one important thing that we all agree on. Make absolutely sure that you and your husband are on the exact same page. If you don't have a united front the chances are you will lose the war. Hugs DDD

I cannot emphasise enough how very crucial this is. Children are smart, and can spot chinks in our armour very easily!

Cx

 

[AmericanGirl]

Hi Shannon and welcome,

I never thought I would be here either. But you will find great support here. Just keep posting and reading.

 

[exhausted]

I get it. Never thought we would be here either. Good home, much love, two parents who have tried to be a united front, no experience with drug use. Kids will make up their own minds to try things and behave in ways that put them in danger. Ans some of them are very sensitive and can be put over the edge. The addictive gene can rear it's ugly head and so can mental health issues when they put themselves in harms way. Some can weather it and others (my daughter) go down like a fallen log. We didn't cause it-this is the lesson that has taken me YEARS to even begin to learn. I still wrestle with it and wonder. I still question every move I make. Please take care of yourself and work together.

 

[shannonontheprairie]

It has been a very long night due to an emergency with our dogs, we almost lost one to a freak accident. Miraculously and against the odds she will live and have no ill-effects from her experience.

For this reason I have not had more than a couple minutes to talk with hubs about HIS talk with DS2, but he did talk with him. He said it was a nice, long talk in which they spoke candidly about his drug use, school, future university, a variety of subjects. The gist of it is that DS2 did, in fact, take the initial conversation as a wake up call. he admitted that his smoking frequency had increased a LOT recently, and he realized after the initial talk that he was hitting a danger-zone and made the decision to change things. Hubs does not think he was saying he was never going to smoke, but that he was trying to get rid of his stuff he had left and was not going to be smoking like he was.

That is about all I know for now, it is three in the morning and I need Occupational Therapist (OT) get to bed. I trust (and will verify) that hubs laid down the boundaries with him, because did agree that there would be an enforced "no smoking, no drugs, not alcohol, no paraphernalia in the house, at the house, in the garage, in the barn, or in the car.

I am greatly encouraged, and extremely grateful to ALL of you and your words of wisdom and temperance. I will keep you updated, God bless.

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, and many hugs.

 

[Zardo]

I think you H did a great job and it sounds like difficult child was receptive. Keep an eye on things as he has already admitted he had crossed over. It's so common with the age group. One thing I will say is that at the beginning of our journey, we had similar conversations and promises that did not work out the way we had hoped, but that's just our story. Watch behavior, grades, sleeping patterns, etc and hopefully his plans to bring his smoking down to the normal zone will pan out. All the best!

 

[shannonontheprairie]

I think you H did a great job and it sounds like difficult child was receptive. Keep an eye on things as he has already admitted he had crossed over. It's so common with the age group. One thing I will say is that at the beginning of our journey, we had similar conversations and promises that did not work out the way we had hoped, but that's just our story. Watch behavior, grades, sleeping patterns, etc and hopefully his plans to bring his smoking down to the normal zone will pan out. All the best!

Thank you so much for your encouragement, and your cautionary words. My own eyes have been opened in this whole situation, and one thing I have learned is to not take anything for granted. Your words ring true with this gal.

 

[DDD]

Sounds hopeful. It's really difficult not to regurgitate parental warnings and in my humble opinion it's best not to make the issue "the" issue for family interaction. "Should" a conversation come about again (particularly if generated by difficult child) you or husband "might" include this warning. "Giving people a ride" can lead to your arrest if unbeknowst to you a friend of acquaintance has some weed and tosses it under the seat or tucks it in a cushion. Extroverted popular young people often help others and we have one of our convictions for drug possession based on just that. So...sigh...no drugs or paraphenalia in the car also means no other people in the car unless you are 100% positive that they too are not users.

We live, big sigh, in a town where the police stop youthful drivers often. Even if they find a couple of seeds on the carpet it leads to an arrest. I know there are communities that operate leniently but here it is beyong zero tolerance. Don't want to scare you. Just thought that it might be worth keeping in mind "should" the subject come up again. Hugs DDD

 

[Kathy813]

I think Zardo has a good point. Promises are easy to give but hard to keep. We have a saying here . . . hope for the best but expect the worst (or is it expect the worst and hope for the best) .

Either way, keep a close eye on things and hope that he can get this under control on his own. Be ready to step in, though, if he can't.

~Kathy

 

[exhausted]

SP,
I hope he gets on the right track. After being on this road for so many years, I don't ever believe promises. Action is what speaks to me. I hope your boy doesn't end up like many of our difficult children. I hope it is just a phase. Will be thinking of you and hoping for the best. So sorry about your dog.

 

[Zardo]

Add Content