New here, would like to introduce myself

Nancy

Well-Known Member
I am very impressed with how you and husband handled this whole thing and the fact that you jumped on it right away. It has to make an impression on difficult child that you are aware of it and are concerned. I'm sure you will keep your eyes and ears open. We are here if needed.

Nancy
 
S

Signorina

Guest
Hi SP - my difficult child was very much like yours. Varsity Athlete, Straight A student, a big group of nice friends, a good role model to his brother and a wonderful son. Please learn from my mistakes.

He started smoking pot his second semester away at school and we've watched him spiral downward ever since. His first year grades were mediocre. Like your son, we "caught" him having smoked pot his first weekend home for summer break. We thought we had it nipped in the bud. H had a long talk with him and we thought things were OK. We didn't dig too deeply over the summer, figured boys would be boys, and we'd get him back to school for his sophomore year. While we weren't comfortable with the fact that he was out every night over the summer (and working all day), we figured it was pretty typical thing most families struggle with when their child returns from being away at school. My son never really fell back into the family life - we had moments, both otherwise, he was distant, and we didn't push him. We just placated the situation and waited for him to go back to school.

Long story short, he rented an off campus apartment without our knowledge and we have every reason to believe (now) that he intended to pretend to live in the dorms while living off campus. (our deal had been - dorm for 2 years, then apartment) Still, we made the best of this and worked like heck to get him out of the dorm contract (so we wouldn't have to pay for it). That was around August 20. Like Nancy and many moms - I shopped for rudimentary furnishing, a mattress, housewares so that my son's apartment would be a "home". A few days before he was to leave, I was preparing to re-format his hard drive (with his permission) and when I copied his bookmarks, his Amazon page popped up with a window of "items recently looked at" and then I clicked on "my account" and saw the purchase of a two grinders, rolling papers, a scale and a rolling machine. This was August 29. He was leaving for school in 4 more days.

We sat him down that night and told him we could not let him return to school knowing he was smoking pot regularly. We asked him to stay home and go to school locally and get his life on track. Much to our surprise, he balked. Moved out that night and returned to school with no financial support nor means to pay tuition. He did enroll, paid 1/2 his tuition from his summer earnings and failed out. He is now suspended with a 1.4 GPA and owes the school more than $2000. He came home for Christmas Break -- lied to us that he was enrolled and getting good grades, and we played nice for 6 weeks. A few days before he was to leave again, we learned the truth. Again, we asked him to stay home, get help, go to school locally, and again he balked. After a tumultuous week, he left for good to return to his college apartment with no job, no money and no school to attend. Haven't really heard from him since. (the play by play is on this board, a page or two back)

My mistakes?? I didn't rock the boat. I knew things weren't making sense, my "mother's intuition" was sending alarms - but I wanted to believe in him. I didn't search his room hard enough (now I know to look behind drawers and picture frames), I didn't insist he get professional help while I still had a chance. I had no idea that his pot smoking was that prolific and that his lying skills were that good. I placated the situation, believed what I wanted to believe and by doing that- I handed him control. When I thought I was giving second chances? i was actually lowering the bar. PLEASE LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.

You trusted your son, he violated that trust, you no longer owe him trust. Please watch him carefully. Think about drug testing him. He's driving your car? If he doesn't test drug free in 30 days, you take his keys.

Sure, maybe I sound like I am over-reacting. I only wish I had over-reacted with my own son.

And welcome to the boards. Glad you found us.
 
A

AmericanGirl

Guest
Excellent post Sig...I really admired you before but now, I am in awe of you. You are a courageous, compassionate woman.
 
S

Signorina

Guest
Thanks AG- I don't feel very courageous. I feel like I was in denial and missed the boat. If I had known then what I know now...le sigh

But thank you sincerely, you made my night.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Buglover

Member
You do know pot triggers schizophrenia dont you? I mean if there is a pre-existing genetic factor there, the pot could really screw him up, and schizophrenics tend to lie like hell because they really don't know what is real in many cases. It happened to my little sister, very much as you describe your son. Now she is schizo and bipolar, no way of knowing how much her extreme pot habit influenced it.
 
S

Signorina

Guest
Buglover-are you responding to my post? I appreciate your concern. I am relatively confident my son is not schizophrenic. Fortunately, we have no genetic predisposition and he has not exhibited any other signs. He is also doing a pretty good job of holding his life together, working and maintaining his other relationships (outside of our family. ) Unfortunately, my son is 19 and I can't get him evaluated for his drug issues or his mental health without his cooperation. :-(

Drug abuse/addiction goes hand in hand with habitual lying. We like to joke here "how do you know when an addict is lying?" A. "his lips are moving."

Welcome to the forums!
 
SP,
I hope he gets on the right track. After being on this road for so many years, I don't ever believe promises. Action is what speaks to me. I hope your boy doesn't end up like many of our difficult children. I hope it is just a phase. Will be thinking of you and hoping for the best. So sorry about your dog.

The dog is remarkably recovered, thankfully. She and our other dog were tussling in the backyard a couple nights ago. His tooth got hooked and stuck underneath her collar. She ended up getting choked off, and it was only his distress cries that brought us running to the scene. We thought she was dead when we found them. Fortunately we got there quickly, we were able to get him unstuck and remove her collar. (No more collars in the yard!!!!) She came to but looked pretty brain-damaged. It was miracle that she slowly came around and is now completely recovered. Thanks for the sympathy; she is "only" a dog but she is loved, too.

I'll still be here reading, and posting about difficult child if need be. I really hear everything you all are saying and take nothing for granted. We know better than to try and extract promises from DS2. The last thing we want to do is actually create a situation that makes a liar out of him. (For example, we won't make him promise he won't smoke anymore. That is unrealistic and out of our control, and turns him into an immediate liar and failure the minute he lights up again.) He has been MUCH more interactive with the family unit again, and I think this is not only a good sign that he is (for now) walking a different path, but also creates a baseline against which we can gauge future behavior.

Nancy, thank you for your compliment. We have always tried to maintain an open, honest relationship with our kids. We have never held back on any subject on which they wanted to speak, maybe just made it age-appropriate when necessary. We have never been anything but honest and forthright with them, and hope that that will help set a standard for them. We know it was huge that he opened up to us about his pot usage, especially for him. We hope to not betray that trust.

Signorina, your story is so similar to a lot of others, and those are the stories that will forever keep us on our guard. You are heard, sister.

I do have a question, though; not only for exhausted but for all of you. I know the school will not allow us access to his grades without permission. How do we check on his academic progress without having to rely on his word about it?
 
S

Signorina

Guest
Shannon-the question of access to grades etc is something I struggle with as well-especially as my 17yo (pc17) prepares to enter college in the fall.

Most schools have forms that your son can fill out & sign which will grant you access. Be aware, he can revoke your access at anytime. Even with the signed form, ime- many schools will not give you your own, unfettered access. They will rely upon your son either to share his login info w you or to set up a separate, limited login for you. While it seems schools are a little more open to sharing billing info (go figure), ime they wash their hands when it comes to grades. We recently toured a bunch of schools with pc17 & I point blankly asked each school "how" they handle FERPA laws.

Again, learn from my mistake. Require your difficult child to give you his scholastic login info & password. Period. If he refuses or if he locks you out (changes his password) know that he is hiding something. Don't buy into the "I'm an adult, you need to trust me, blah blah blah". That's a smokescreen because he is hiding something. If his grades are good, he has nothing to hide.

Two months ago, I posted that my difficult child would not share his grades with us because it was none of our business as we were no longer supporting him nor paying his tuition. I felt that he was somewhat justified and had an understandable point. Each seasoned member on this board gently replied to me that my son had likely failed out. They were right. Lesson learned.
 

Buglover

Member
Yes I am responding to your post. I was just pointing out that the pot itself could cause a lot of harm, most people tend to think it sort of benign but it isnt always. There was no schizophrenia in my family either.
 
S

Signorina

Guest
Thanks for clarifying BL. I share your concern about the pot. Unfortunately, my hands are tied. (behind my back with duct tape AND twine lol) I'd love to seek help for him, but at almost 20yo; it's his choice not mine :(
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
Hi SP - my difficult child was very much like yours. Varsity Athlete, Straight A student, a big group of nice friends, a good role model to his brother and a wonderful son. Please learn from my mistakes.

Sig I think you should copy this post, it is so good you and can help a lot of other members who come to this forum in the future. You are an awesome writer in addition to being very wise. It's a shame we have to become experts in this area but I've never seen anyone be able to adjust their thinking and behavior as quickly as you have.

Nancy
 
Top