New Here- Your thoughts please

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by curlycallie, Sep 24, 2009.

  1. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been reading for quite awhile and have tried to get as much info from all of your experiences. My difficult child is my 16 yr. old daughter. Her problems started at 12 and a half, 2 months after starting 7th grade. Good student in elementary school, ballet lessons, soccer all that stuff. Always had friends, but changed friends a fair amount. Since 7th gr. it has been all down hill. We have had years of verbal abuse, physical altercations between her and I and husband. Child Serv. visited twice. Police called when she wouldn't stop raging, etc. She started shoplifting a year ago, been caught twice. Has stolen $ from us 6 or 7 times in the last year and just this week found the key to my locked trunk and cleaned out her brothers wallets and pawned her grandmother's rings. She has been in a relationship with a 21 yr old who is a complete enabler in all of this. He has started picking her up at school everyday because she cuts classes regularly. As of this time(since the theft) she is staying with him at his brothers and isn't in school at all. My husband told her not to come home until she returned what she has stolen. She is in complete defiance to our rules of the family. She was diagnosed ADD last year and was on concerta and adderall but it didn't really do much to help her. Same bad attitude towards us, teachers. She scraped by grade wise last year. I can't get her into counseling, she refuses. I guess I'd like your ideas on where to go from here. We can't keep living with her like this. I want to pursue the theft charges(will meet with officer on Friday) and possibly force her hand into a youth program. If that actually works the program doesn't start again until spring. Until then I would like to see if Family services could place her in a foster or group home. My husband husband doesn't believe this is possible because she actually has a home. I simply cannot live with her anymore, I am only calm when she is gone. I know we can't legally kick her out until 18(Oregon) but she can't be here either. Sorry to ramble, I guess just looking for support and maybe some different viewpoints on this mess.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    Sadly, my big question is...did she start using recreational drugs and drinking?
    That's usually why a teenager suddenly does a complete about face seemingly overnight.

    My own daughter did this. Started in seventh grade. She changed her friends, started pot and drinking and it escalated from there as did her behavior. The violence began when the drugs turned to things like meth and she didn't care about rules when she was using drugs, including the ones implemented by the police. By the way ADHD drugs are widely abused. My daughter and her friends especially liked Adderrall (it's $10/pill on the street). They would crush the pills in pillcrushers and snort them either alone or with other drugs. I personally don't like them, especially Adderrall.

    I would definitely do a surprise drug test on her, maybe a few of them. We didn't suspect drug use. We thought she'd become mentally ill. I always warn teenager's parents to think about this since we were so naive. They had her diagnosed with bipolar. She has been clean seven years now and doesn't have bipolar. Sometimes (not always) drug use goes hand in hand with mental illness and it's hard to sort out what is what. But no child or adult will get better while using recreational drugs or drinking. Stealing money is common when kids abuse drugs...they need the money to buy.

    Her drug use was far worse than we imagined. I hope you can get a handle on what's wrong and help her before she turns 18.

    Welcome to the board. Sorry you had to be here though :(
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    My son attended a therapeutic wilderness program over the summer. There were several kids like your daughter in his group. The program had three goals: identify the problem (refine the diagnosis), start intervention (provide both intensive individual and group therapy) and plan for the future (make recommendations for future treatment).

    Although most kids don't go to wilderness willingly, they often, like my son, make incredible progress and end up liking the experience quite a lot. My son, in fact, didn't want to leave wilderness in the end.

    Just something to think about as you consider various options for your daughter.
  4. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I would also talk to the police about the 21 yr old enabler. You can not let that go on. You can and should have him charged with rape.
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    As a mom of a 16 year old BiPolar (BP) ith similar behavoir,my experience is focus on medication stability,outpatient if posible. The older boyfriend, stealing, all very familar. My daughter is much better when she is medication adherent. She is on antipycotic and mood stabilizer and stateera for focus. She played volleyball tonight for the first time in 8 months!!! This is a prosocial step!!!! She has not lived with us in a few months. Keep coming back to post. Check out the CABF site (child and adolcent bipolar foundation) Nami is also helpful. Compassion
  6. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome and replies. I do suspect drug and alcohol use. Can't say I've ever smelled anything or been able to say she looks drugged. I probably wouldn't recognize the signs anyway. She has contacted us about coming home but it will be with a list of demands like random drug testing, staying away from the boyfriend, attending school. We are to meet with a police officer tomorrow and she has to be here. I want the option of charging her if she doesn't start counseling and following the demands. I have asked the police about the rape charge and was told she would have to claim it was against her will. I will ask again tomorrow. I don't have high hopes about her changing. I dread her coming home, these last few days have been so calm for me. There is a bootcamp type school that is state paid for that her HS counselor is going to try to convince her about. She could finish high school next July if she completes the camp. I guess if she won't take the help offered then I have to look into another living situation until she is 18. I really can't take much more of the stress. Right now I can't imagine how I will be able to tolerate her in the house. I have ordered "Walking on Eggshells" from the library and am hoping to get ideas from there.
    Thanks again and I will update as we go through our ordeal.
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Puberty kicking in makes an already bad situation worse. I call it the terrible teens.....

    Drugs are certainly a possibility, but I suspect the bipolar disorder is the primary culprit.

    ADD/ADHD medications forbipolar kids is too often a disaster. The bipolar needs to be stabilized prior to introducing ADHD medications.

    If you haven't read The Bipolar Child, I strongly recommend it.

    Glad you found us!
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    My thoughts are along with smallworld. If at all possible, get her out of her comfortable environment. Have her attend a program that is structured and advocates self responsibility. We sent our difficult child to emotional grownth boarding school for 2 yrs. It was out of state so no way to come back to his home to resume former behavior.
    I really believe that taking a teen out of their comfortable environment where they know people who will enable them and how to get around mom and dad will make them less arrogant and cocky.
    These programs make one face their behavior and own it.
    This isn't a cure but a way for her to find the right path and for families to heal from all the damage difficult child's do to them.

    I don't know if you can get help with finding a program or if you could afford it but it's a good thing to use any college money savings since the path she is on, college probably won't happen.

    Programs are not a cure but a tool. Just like college is not a guarantee to job success but a tool.
    Good luck.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you suspect drugs, I'd try to get her off the street and into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). That way they can treat her if she has any addiction issues and also keep her away from bad influence friends. Once drugs come into play, you can't treat any other psychiatric disorders, if there are any, until she stops using.

    ADHD drugs are often abused by teenagers. in my opinion I would be loathe to give any to any child who abused anything. My daughter told me that teens who used drugs loved to get ADHD scripts and even faked ADHD to get the drugs.

    Be careful and find her a safe place. That way YOU can have peace too. My guess is the violence will decrease once the drugs are out of the picture and then you can see the real person...if there is a mental illness kicking in. With my daughter, the violence totally stopped when the drug use stopped. She still may have a mild mood disorder, but it's not bipolar, and she controls it with natural remedies and is usually fine. Drug use is powerful and mimics menal illness OR it makes existing mental illness much worse and renders the drugs that are prescribed to help absolutely useless. (((Hugs)))
  10. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    We just had our meeting with the police and it turned out quite well. They located the jewelry in a local pawnshop with the boyfriend's signature on it. It's theft 1 felony for both of them. We texted her with info and she starts in that we didn't give her enough time to buy it back!! HELLO? You already stole and sold it. She thinks if she gives it back all is forgiven. We told her about the bootcamp idea because I know and the officer agreed with me that she will not change if she stays around here. The boyfriend will be lurking in the background the entire time. She says she would rather go to jail than the bootcamp so if she doesn't change her tune I will go ahead and press charges. I want to find out from the officer if he thinks that a judge might be able to force her to the bootcamp instead of juvie if she goes through the system. She doesn't get it that the boyfriend would go to jail and this will always be on his record. I want her to go somewhere and get some help because she still seems in complete denial. I don't feel she can change coming back here, we can't control her anymore. Thanks for listening, Ill keep posting.
  11. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    As I've written earlier my difficult child is basically out of our control, she's like a feral animal. She and the boyfriend stole 2 ring sets and a diamond necklace from me and pawned them. These rings sets were her grandmother's and I was saving them for my 2 sons if they wanted to use them when they get married. Her grandmother adored her, she was the only granddaughter.
    She also stole a large amount of cash from her brothers wallets. These were all in a locked cabinet because I haven't trusted her for at least a year. She came home last night because we told her she had to come home, go to school and stay away from the boyfriend. They were also told by the boyfriend father that they cannot see each other anymore. This was all in exchange for us not prosecuting them for theft. Well, she did go to school but was told to come home on the bus and she evidently was picked up by him. I'm sure they believe we would never actually charge them. My question to all of you is... would you be able to file the charges against your own child? She won't accept help willingly so I'm hoping a juvenile judge would work with us and send her somewhere to get help. It also will separate them of course. We have to charge both because they both participated. I don't think she realizes as a legal adult he will have this on his record forever. She, as a minor can have it erased. Any help you can give would be wonderful.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I most certainly would press charges. My son was very violent. The first time I saw the worst of it he spent 4 months in a locked psychiatric hospital ward. It helped, but not enough to make him want to change totally.

    That was mostly directed at my daughter, his little sister.

    a year later it was aimed at ME. I was becoming a battered woman. I had the sheriff come and remove him in handcuffs. The ONLY reason I didn't press charges was that teh officer felt bad for all of us and kept "losing" the paperwork. So then the judge refused to hear the case. The judge DID refuse to make us take him back. I would have gone in contempt because it would NOT have happened. The judge knew it, I am pretty sure.

    Go ahead and press charges. There are many options you can only get into via the courts, at least there are here.

    If you do NOT press charges then no way will the boyfriend stay away. Nor will she change anything she does. She would have no reason to. She would see you as ineffective and always bluffing. NEVER threaten anything you will not carry through with.

    Ignore the man's consequences. They are NOT your problem. He played the game, he gets the consequences.

    I am so sorry things are so difficult and painful. Parenting just hoovers sometimes, doesn't it?
  13. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    Thanks Susiestar, I appreciate your honesty. My husband is the ever hopeful type, no matter how many times she pulls this stuff. When she actually came home at a reasonable time(8:00) last night he can talk to her like nothing has been going on. I can't look at her without feeling anger and mistrust. She asked me about a ? about a book series I read(twilight) a long time ago and I can barely answer her. They may have talked more particulars when I wasn't around, I certainly hope so. I can't get pass the person who took $ from there brothers.