New Here

[Sprite]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and I just wanted to introduce myself.

I am 30 years old, happily married, stay at home mom. I have 3 kids - ages 5, 2, and 5 months.

I love my kids, however I am not always a happy mom. My 5 year old is constantly pushing me to the point of wanting to check myself into a mental institution.

I stumbled across this forum last night because I was in tears and at my wits end after a disastrous family gathering last night with extended family members.

I often feel like I have no one to talk to. Or that all of my friends and family are sick or hearing me complain about my son.

All I am hoping for are some listening ears to hear me vent once in a while. And I promise to listen to others as well.

 

[SRL]

Welcome to our forum, Sprite. You're with understanditing spirits here.

Can you tell us about your son?

 

[BusynMember]

Welcome to our forum, Sprite.

Can you tell us what it is about your child that drives you crazy? Trust me, we've heard it all. Two things that would help, would be telling us about her early development and her family situation. What was her infancy and toddlerhood like? Does she live with both biological parents? Any trauma?

 

[nvts]

Hi Sprite! (I love the name!) Welcome to the forum...trust me! Tons of listening and sympathetic ears here as well as strong shoulders to lean on!

Has there been any testing done? What are you dealing with (besides parents of "typical" kids totally NOT getting what's going on!)?

Beth

 

[april1974]

Welcome.....I hope you can enlighten us on some specifics, what is driving you nuts? I understand, everytime I say "M exhausts me" I roll my own eyes because I'm sure family are sick of me saying that....but it's true...and I just want my feelings to be validated...sometimes I feel like I'm on a island all by myself and nobody gets it...except my husband but even he has his limits of understanding. I once told him I wish M had never been born...and I know that is a HORRIBLE thing to say and I cried saying it and of course felt like a big ole bag of sh*t! Now that that crisis has passed I don't feel that way, it was just in the moment, the moment of sheer frustration and wishing I was childfree and living a life that was carefree/stressfree.

this place is so awesome because we can express those feelings without fear of judgement...and maybe someone will actually say "I GET IT!"

 

[Sprite]

Thank you everyone for giving me such a warm welcome!

And I'm sorry that it took so long for me to get back on here and reply.

April1974, I especially liked your message. I have actually made the decision to NOT COMPLAIN AT ALL to my mother or my close friends because I know that they are so sick of hearing about it. husband seems to "shut down" when I start talking about it. I also have found myself wishing that J (my 5 year old son) had never been born. I don't know how it would be possible for me to feel any other way about him when all he has caused me is stress, anxiety, and unhappiness in my life.

I will give you the "highlights" about my son:

-He lacks independence. Since he was a toddler, he has always had this expectation that an adult should be entertaining him ALL THE TIME.
-I would describe his personality as "hot and firey" (he has red hair, not sure if this has anything to do with it or not). He very quickly reacts in anger. For example, recently I was breastfeeding the baby and he asked for a drink of water. I told him that I was just about done feeding his sister and then I would get him some water. His reaction was to go into a full out tantrum. WTH?!!!! He's 5 years old, I can understand that he might be a bit impatient, but a full out tantrum. Oh my gosh.
-This is the part that has really caused a lot of problems in our family: He has been very physically agressive and mean to his little brother since the day we brought his brother home from the hospital (almost 3 years ago). Family, friends and aquaintances have always said it was normal toddler jealousy. But I can tell you that this has gone way beyond what I would consider normal jealousy and resentment. For the first year of his brother's life, he would not stop hitting him. I TRIED EVERYTHING. Time outs, trying to talk and reason with him, ignoring the behaviour, yelling, doing the same thing to him that he was doing to his brother. Honestly, I just gave up. The message that I got from him is that "I am not going to stop hitting my baby brother no matter what you do so just give up, Lady." Honestly, what infant deserves to be hit for the entire first year of his life for no reason at all? No baby deserves that. No human being deserves that.

This agression with his brother has improved a little bit, but is still a problem. For example, just today, I was in the room next to my sons while they were watching their favourite TV show in the living room. The minute the TV show ended, I could here J's feet hit the floor and about 3 seconds later my other son was crying. I came into the room and K's face had 3 scratches down the side of it and he was lying on the floor crying.

I just don't get it. After his TV show is over, why does he feel the need to pounce on his little brother and injure him???????

I just want to scream.

J has been assessed as preschool and by the pediatrician. No diagnosis has ever been made. Right now the pediatrician just wants to monitor and make sure his behaviour is not worsening. In all honestly, I have seen improvement. But it is very SLOW improvement.

I live my life in a constant state of "survival mode."

I often feel like I deserve the worst mother of the year award. But recently I have begun to think that actually my son deserves the worst kid of the year award.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi again.
There actually MUST be something amiss in him if he is that aggressive toward his brother. Is he aggressive to anybody else? Sounds like he can throw a whopper of a tantrum. Does he throw things? Break things? Scream? How is he in public? How was his early development and does he know how to relate to his same age peers?

I agree that this is way beyond "normal" with his little brother. Maybe you should not let the two boys alone...ever. I know that's really hard, but his little brother needs protection.

My first suggestion is to ditch the pediatrician and school, as far as getting a diagnosis, and take him to a neuropsychologist. They are far more knowledgeable about childhood disorders than pediatricians and school districts. I am betting this has zilch to do with your parenting and everything to do with the fact that your oldest is wired differently and needs some sort of treatment. I would get his diagnosed before he really hurts somebody...he obviously has a problem controlling himself...why is the question.

 

[Malika]

Hello and welcome. You are under a lot of pressure with your son's behaviour, and like everyone here, I do understand just how stressful and difficult it is at times.
What is your own sense of what is going on with your boy? Is he going to be assessed by a child psychiatrist? It sounds a little as though you think your son is just very badly behaved - or am I misreading you? It seems, though, that the way human beings are wired, if a child this young is aggressive and violent/hot tempered for no or little reason, it points to a neurological disorder of some sort. I am absolutely no expert but, given that your home life sounds stable and loving, it is simply what common sense indicates.
Does your son have another side to him or is it all "negative"? My own son - and what I have often seemed to read here on this forum - seems to have two distinct sides or characters, that are like night and day. One is sweet, loving, affectionate and empathetic. The other is semi-monstrous, shouting insults when crossed or thwarted, shrieking when he doesn't get his way, crashing toys down on the floor and breaking them when angry, etc, etc. He also lies when confronted with something "naughty" he has done and, sadly, I do not think this is anything to do with his character or circumstances; I actually now think it is part of something "wrong", something that is not working as it should in his brain. Punishing him or getting angry with him for doing it seems to make absolutely no difference, which is of course rather depressing from one point of view.
What I am trying to say is that while your reactions to your son are totally understandable and normal, I begin to suspect myself that these behaviour problems in young children are manifestations of illness in some sense, just like a physical illness. And we wouldn't get angry with our children if they had polio and couldn't walk. So I think you need some kind of diagnosis and understanding to begin coping and dealing with him and hopefully getting some treatment and some improvements.

 

[Ktllc]

We UNDERSTAND! We are all facing similar difficulties, and I too have decided to not say anything to my family anymore. It is really sad, specially since I use to tell them everything... but they just don't get it and then conclude I am the problem...
Go get some professional help, don't hesitate: there are counselors, psychiatrists, behavioral and developmental pediatrician, psychologists. All those professional can offer the help you need as long as they really listen to you and your son. If your regular pediatrician or family doctor is no help, try to look at your local resources yourself (internet, yellow pages, friend's referrals...). It is a long road to get help but at least you'll find some relief knowing your taking action and, in a near future, will get more insights.
As far as protecting your younger kids, try to think on how you can arrange your house so that the older one can't get to them when you are not in the same room. 5 is still young and a convenient higher gate my help you section a safe area for the little ones (you can see through a gate, but not a door). Get creative! Don't hesiate to have an "atypical" layout: after all, you have an atypical situation. Key is to make your life easier.

 

[april1974]

Sprite: I have come to realize it's not our parenting it's our children, and that is a hard fact to swallow because parenting we can change, children not so easy to change. But since all of your other kids are fine and my other two don't have the same aggression as my M does it clicked in one day "it's not me, it's him" how I react isn't always appropriate but I confess I get so frustrated and fed up, I end up having a tantrum of my own

I know there are medications for adhd that seem to help aggression this might be something to look into and if it settles him down(ritalin) then it might be a benefit for him and your family. My M has attacked his brother, pushed him, scratched him, it's been aweful....but it seems to be less and less lately, I'm hoping he is starting to think before reacting. It's really hard determining the "normal" sib stuff from the "abnormal" for me, I consider the abnormal is when it's unprovoked. We are working on that with M.

Try a reward for your son, he's 5 right, what activity does he love? Why not say to him "if you don't hit for 1wk, me & you will xxxx" maybe give him some independance, I keep a cup in the bathroom so if my kids say "i'm thirsty" they know they can go into the bathroom and get a drink of water. Maybe keep a journal of when/time etc that your son hits unprovoked. With my M he is a cranky cat in the eve, he starts getting tired and uncomfortable(eczema) and becomes foul, I know now it's more the fact he needs to go to bed or have a soothing bath for his skin and then a cuddle.

I know it's really hard to love them when they are bad, but sometimes they need love when they deserve it the least...and that is something I'm trying to work on...especially when I'm pmsing and struggling with my own emotions....it's a really tough road.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hi -

This is just an idea to try... it will not solve whatever the underlying problems are, and I agree that you need to get to the bottom of it.
But meanwhile... how to survive!

Have you ever tried feeding his self-esteem?
For example, he wanted a drink of water and you were not free. Many 5 year olds are responsible enough to get that for themselves... leave a plastic tumbler by the sink, and a small stool so they can reach. How many other things can he do for himself? How many other ways can he contribute to the household? Like, setting the table, perhaps. Folding towels. Scrubbing the tub (baking soda does a great job, is environmentally friendly and safe for kids!).

Sometimes, as parents, we get trapped in dealing with the negatives - and the negatives are HUGE. But if most of what our children hear from is is negative, it can compound the situation.

You'll find there will be lots of "ideas" tossed out from time to time... just pick and choose what you think makes sense to try, and then if it doesn't work, move on.

Hang in there!

 

[Sprite]

InsaneCdn, it is so interesting that you posted this because I actually had the same idea yesterday! And it worked.

We had guests over for dinner last night, and that is usually a disaster. But I gave my 5 year old son the responsibility of making dessert menus for everyone and then circling the dessert that each person wanted and then reporting the info back to me so that I could serve dessert. He was so proud! His "job" seemed to distract him from his usual obsession with tormenting his brother and making my life miserable in general. It actually served to bolster his self esteem.

I will definetly be using this technique in the future.

 

[Sprite]

Also just want to say that I am amazed at how caring and understanding all of you are.

I have taken the time to read all of your posts and suggestions. Trying to "digest" a lot of it.

Thanks so much everyone. I appreciate it more that you could ever know!

 

[vchaffin]

Im totally with you girl. I have a boy whose 6 a girl who will be 4 in sept and a 19 month old. the 2 oldest has fought since she got mobile. when i had my 3rd she turned very agressive with him at 4 days old she flipped him over in his bouncy seat. tried flippin his high chair with him in it etc. from day 1 she has needed my undivided attention 24/7 she doesn't understand i have 2 other children to tend to also so she just has to throw her meltdown. Ive learnt to tune things out like the non stop fighting and yellin and screamin but my husband can't stand it. he says im lettin her get away with to much but i honestly don't know what else to do she sees a phsyciatrist a phsycologist shes had a sleep study we've been dealin with night terrors for almost 3 yrs all night long every nite. Shes very aggressive to both boys my 6 yr old use to not retaliate when shed do somethin but now he is and its just a bigger mess. and its just not at home its everywhere we go. and she always has to have the last hit bite scratch whatever is goin on she has to be the last to do it.she doesn't play and she doesnt want anyone else to either so thats a fight with sharing. it doesnt matter if they have the exact same thing. its demanding, she has no patience, attention negative or positive, aggression, anger, doesn't like disipline, shes very despiteful, looking for revenge on whomever. and we can't get a diagnosis til we have pshycological testing done which our insurance doesn't cover..we've tried adhd medications and its been reverse reaction im at a stand still right now. I had to get on nerve pills myself to be able to function and cope with everyday. I have no help from our families its just me and my husband. Your not alone trust me.