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Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by givingmybest, Dec 5, 2011.

  1. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    Hi All
    New here but not new to the problems! I have two children - once is ADHD/Conduct Disorder, the other is ADHD and a provisional of Dystemia. He is my worry right now. A couple weeks shy of 15 and I just feel like he is slipping away from me. I highly suspect drug and or alcohol use. In August he was caught by the police at noon for being drunk in public. He and two others started drinking at 830 that morning!!! It was then that he admitted to using pot before that. I ask him to open - that's all I want and then we can handle the rest...just the truth! He has said he hates being at home because it stresses him out. He feels I nag him - I guess asking to do a few chores and clean up after himself is nagging. He does nothing around the house - well, he used to try and do the quick chores to get money. I've stopped as I told him that if he wants money for jobs done then they have to be done constantly no just when he needs money. He refuses to take his medications - he has a fear of them reacting with whatever else he is taking. He says he tells me truth but I guess we've all heard that before.

    I am rambling. My thoughts are everywhere right now. I am so worried about him. Not just for the using but I do think there are bigger things lurking underneath. He has put numerous holes in his walls out of anger, thrown glass at his brother because he was mad and tells us all to FO and leave him alone. He blames everyone around him for all his troubles. Seems to try and twist it all to everyone else - I don't recall the last time he had taken responsibility for something he had done.

    I have tried all the local resources and now just seem at a loss. Where do I go from here? What's next?

    Ahhh...thanks for reading. I know it's my first post and that I rambled a lot but if you go this far thanks!!
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    HI gmb, sorry things are so rough. I am not in that exact situation but there are many here who will be able to relate. I am here to say you are not alone and I am willing to listen anytime! HUGS to you, Buddy
  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Hello Givingmybest,
    I'm so sorry you are in this boat. We do understand. I just have a few questions that may help others understand your situation better. Are you a single mother? How many siblings does he have? Did he go to court for the charge of intoxication? What happened there? What medications does he take? diagnosis? Therapist? Has he suffered trauma? So many of our kids have. How is school? Hang in there-others will be along as well.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. My daughter started using drugs and drinking at twelve years old. We didn't suspect a thing, although she started changing. We just thought she had a mental illness. How dumb is that??? She got busted for pot and told us that that was all she used and that she didn't like it. The sincerity on her face and in her voice was a great acting job...she was doing serious drugs. Has your son changed his friends? Does he sleep at weird hours/times? our daughter used to do drugs while WE were sleeping then she was tired all day. Actually, she took other drugs to help her "come down" from her high and that obviously also made her tired. It was a nightmare.

    Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting? I highly recommend it. You can probably find out many things you can do from the people there. Hugs and keep us posted!
  5. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    HI and thanks for the replies already. Midwest mom, yes, the acting is almost deserving of an oscar! He has a diagnosis of ADHD and Dystemia. He is currently prescribed Vyvanse - I say prescribed because he won't take it. I think he is concerned it may react with whatever else he is taking. He has a psychiatrist that he sees on a fairly regular basis and goes to a counsellor at school - he attends a special needs school for children with behaviour challenges. His dad and I divorced almost 3 years ago and we are both involved in other relationships. He started changing before all that transpired. His grandmother passé away in June - she was a huge part of our lives. She lived in our home and did a lot for all of us. That was tough on us but it certainly wasn't the catalyst for any of this behaviour. School is a struggle - he did really well last year - marks in the 80's and 90's but he returned to public school in September and is now failing miserably - hence the return to the private school. He doesn't care about school though. I shouldn't say it, and I hate to say it but his friends leave a bit to be desired. He has said he hates being in this house and on the flip side, his younger brother doesn't want him here either. I feel like my family is falling apart and I don't know how to keep it together.
  6. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I hear every bit of that. My daughters friends are horrid. I have to say it, all from messed up homes, mostly living in poverty, some gang involved even etc.....This is a sign of drug use-you should say it. I don't think we have to accept bad friends for our kids. I refuse to let them in my home if they are really bad. She knows not to even bring them around (this comes with its own problems as she runs off to them). These kids are not friends usually-they are druggies, big difference. They often do all kinds of awefull things to each other.

    Sounds like he has had his share of tough stuff. I dont know what Dystemia is? Do you mean moderate depression (Dysthymia?)

    How is the school handling his behavior? I agree that you should not pay him a dime for doing chores. He lives there and he should work in the home. I would not give him a red cent if you dont trust where it goes. We have not given our daughter money since she was 13. We provide the things she needs-just the basics. We won't even give her a bus pass because she runs off with it.

    We placed our daughter in a private Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when she was 14 years old after therapy, medication, 2 psychiatric hospital stays and so on. We found out she had been raped and repeatedly sexually abused. We would not have known unless she had been there. We had no idea. (This alone makes the whole thing worth sending her away) She also went to a state run Residential Treatment Center (RTC) which cost us quite a lot as well as we had to give temporary custody to the stae and pay child support. That is a whole nightmare. There are kids that really benefit from being away from home. It made my daughter worse each time and she resents us for sending her away. We don't regret anything. We did the best we could each time to keep her safe. The peace in our home to heal was worth it as well.Both places offered dual treatment services-drug and mental health help-though the state run outfit did a poor job dealing with health and mental health care-they did teach her valuable skills.

    The anger makes me very worried that he is more severely depressed-boys often show depression with anger-not taking medications is scary as well if they are in a bad place.been there done that.Does the school counselor know about this? Alcohol is a depressant as well-could make things worse.
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2011
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I know all too well how much it hurts your mommy heart to feel like your family is falling apart.... and maybe it is for now. If he has a younger brother who also wants him out of the house pay attention to that. The younger sibling has surely suffered from his older brothers behavior and he is under 18 and it is time to protect and support him. I know it is really hard to do and as a parent it is hard when you feel like you have to choose the welfare of one child over another.... but your main job right now has to be to support and care for your minor child.

    I say this from experience. I have a younger daughter. We also sent my son to a TBS when he was 15. While he was gone she blossomed and thrived and she and I got very close. When he came back she was doing ok but shut down a bit.... over a series of events we got her into therapy. It became very clear from that that having him home and all the chaos and strife (once he started using again) was hurting her. At this point she hates him and it breaks my heart. However I have become very clear that she deserves some peace at home her last couple of years in high school and I cannot sacrifice her emotional well being for him and his shenanigans. We are at the point where we will not make her see him..... why should she when he has not made any amends to her or us for his past behavior. As a mother I will always love him, no matter what... but that is not true for a sister. And I have a strong hope that someday when he really pulls his life together and is sober for a good period of time, that he will take the steps to repair his relationship with her and that we can be together as a family again. But for now I have accepted that is not going to be the case right now.

    Take care of your youngest... he needs you too.

  8. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    Yes, it's Dysthymia - always get that one wrong! Although I think it might be bigger than that now. We are off today to talk to someone about everything that has been going on. He is under the impression that we are going to his doctor to talk about his medications but I have other plans. If he knew he wouldn't go so I had to lie. He may even attempt to flee when he sees where we are going.

    We did put him into a crisis anger management program but it was only 5 days so I don't really think he got that much out of it - it was over the summer. He will tell you that he enjoyed the break from home though. The problem with the shorter programs and the counselling is that he tells them what he knows they want to hear. He plays the game and puts on such a great performance. I had the CRT here one night for some help and he was making all the right comments. As soon as she left he told me that was useless and that I can forget him doing anything she suggested.

    He had some really good friends - good kids - but he seems to have left them in the dust for this new group who I can't say much good about. I actually had an email from one of his previous friends a few months ago about how she was worried about him and told me some of the stuff he had told her. When confronted he got angry and said it was none of his business and that I need to stay out of his life. Really? He's 14. ARGH!

    My youngest also suffers anxiety so this has been hard on him. I know he means it when he says he doesn't want his brother here but it hurts me. I know I have to get over that as I need to deal with these issues of the oldest to take care of the rest of us. He seems to rule this house - anyone else been there?

    I guess the battle goes on. Thanks everyone for your comments. It really does mean a lot to see what you are dealing with and to know that I'm not alone. Seems lately if I mention anything about my son to people...well, I'm sure you have all dealt with that - people that just don't get it.
  9. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    This describes our situation about 18 months ago to a T. For us and our son, his behavior was a direct result of drugs. Pot, alchohol and other drugs that he was using at all times including after we went to bed at night. Holes in the wall, not doing any school work, screaming in our face and throwing things when we told him to get off the computer, you name it, we have been there. Your problem will be that it doesn't sound like he is open to help right now. Our son went willingly to Wilderness, but there are kids that go not so willingly and it can be the start of a long process "to change his mind" and reach him until he decides that he is ready for a change. If I were you, and I had the money, that is what I would do. If you can't afford that (and who can today) maybe you can appeal to the juvenille court as a "family in need of services" to get some STRONGLY encouraged help for him. You may even be able to get a court orderred parole officer who will help you identify programs that can help. It's a long journey and the first step it to get him on board with realizing that there is a problem and he needs help. Good luck.
  10. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    Just not having any luck with getting through to him! I am so worn out from worry, talking to him about it until I am blue in the face. Currently, he is against any treatment of any description period. He is as big as me and stronger and honestly, that is starting to scare me. There have been nights that I lock my door at bed time. I am certain he is depressed but again he refuses help. I had taken him in two days ago to the hospital for help - I am at my wits end! He acted the good son so well I would've given him an oscar if I had one on me!! Yes, he sees the trouble he's causing, yes, he is sorry for what it is doing to the family and to me, he wants to make it better, no, I don't use drugs, yes, I would try counselling. All to walk out and him say I'm not doing that, it's a waste of time and that lady was a real *****....argh!!!! His father and I are considering "cancelling" his birthday celebrations and Christmas celebrations for him until he can prove that he wants help and is making an effort to get that help. It's tough to make those decisions but I know they have to be done.
  11. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Just throwing this out there.....there are therapeutic wilderness programs that take unwilling kids - they come in the middle of the night to your home and take them...period. The kids are usually quite furious about it for a few days, untill they start to undersand why they are there. They are surrounded by kids form similar circumstances, some who have reached acceptance and some who have not. These kids, all of them together, finally somehow convince each other that there is a better way to live. Even thought wilderness did not provide a total solution for us, it was where my son started to see what he was doing to his life and ours. We have had bumps, but he has never been the angry, defiant, depressed kid that he was before we sent him there. We used his college money to do it....figured the way things were going, he wasn't going to college anyway.....I wish there had been a better, less expensive way to reach him - he had become unreachable....
  12. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    I wish that was an option for me but it isn't. I am resigned to dealing with the local "resources" and that's a struggle to say the least. The first issue is that he goes to a special needs school for behaviourally challenged children so the nurses, doctors, counsellors, hotlines etc all feel that there is not much they can do given that he sees a counsellor at school. I then call others and they give the most ridiculous suggestions - like at this point I haven't tried these things? The other issue is that when he is in front of these people he plays the game and somehow they can't see through it. He should get an academy award for some of the performances he has pulled off. "oh yes, I see what my choices are doing to the family and yes, I would love to get some help and make things better" - we then leave and goes into some rage where he says he's not doing it because it's useless etc. His father and I (divorced) sat with him for an hour and half yesterday discussing things. It was basically a big circle that we kept going around in. He called his dad a bad word and then today called me the worst word in the english language (in my opinion). Needless to say he lost his phone again but this time, I suspended - very different than just taking the phone from him. He has pretty much stopped going to school lately but I spoke to a teacher today so that may change - yet to see. It is painful when my other son doesn't like his brother. I totally get it and can't blame him but it hurts. This is not the family I imagined having. I know the saying that we are dealt the hands we can handle but sometimes I'm not convinced. And, to top it all off, I have found out that he and his girlfriend are waiting to see if she is pregnant!!!
  13. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    OMG - I am so sorry that you are going through this. What a nightmare for you every day - I and other do know and we have been there if that helps to know that you are not suffering alone. OK - if a dramatic private intervention like Wilderness is not an option - what about appealing to the court for help. I think he needs to answer to someone other than you and your husband. I know when my son was using his anger toward us and an excuse for whatever bad behavior he wanted, it prevented him from looking at his own choices and making progress. I know in my town you can appeal to the juvenielle court as a "family in need of services". they may even assign a parole officer to assign him to programs and check in on his progress. You will have a hard time getting him to willingly attend programs unless someone makes him. Maybe the court will make him. Just a suggestion....
  14. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    There are some court options that I am justing learning about. Finding them is not easy - a lot of digging. I will find the right one though. Last night was hell to say the least - see my last post. He came home to "talk" and the entire conversation was centred around him getting his phone back and all the lame excuses he could think of to get it back. I was strong and remained calm and told him that the phone was no longer a topic of discussion - it's over. I told him if he wanted to talk about the other issue at hand we could. Nope, I was just a stupid B***h who knows nothing and thinks I'm good mom but really, I'm so bad at parenting. ARGH. He stormed upstairs and I went to bed (with my door locked). I heard some mighty sounds so went out to see what it was..yup, punching more holes in his walls. He was told if he continues to destroy my property I will call the police on him with no issues.

    Why can't they just get it?

    We did get an appointment today with a good program in the city that caters to these types of issues. I can't wait. I don't want to get my hopes up but I am looking forward to it. Fingers crossed that it will go somewhere.
  15. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I would definitely call the police about the damage. He can be charged and you can get before the judge and request a more restrictive environment-Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for instance. Let the judge know all you have done and how out of control he is. This is how we got second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay. It was no bed of roses but got her out for awhile. She came out worse-but after 4 months has settled, got her GED and has a job. There was peace in our honme again for 8 months as well!
  16. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    Thanks. This is the next step - he was told last night that if there is anymore damage to my home or threatened violence the police will be called, just as the door will be locked if he is not home by the correct time - he has the address for the shelter. I know when it comes to actually doing these things its going to break my heart BUT I do know that it has to be done. I can't live in fear in my own home any longer.
  17. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    I am so sorry for how sad you sound. If you need to take those steps, know that you are not the first and that getting the authorities involved can actually be a way to get him help. You may want to call your local youth officer to ask if there are any other legal steps you can take before having to make that call when he damages your house to get him arrested. Remember - you're the one trying to help him - you're not the bad guy. So sorry - be strong.
  18. givingmybest

    givingmybest New Member

    Thanks Zardo
    I did find out today that I can call the non emergency line for the police and they can dispatch some officers to talk to him. Obviously this would be before he gets violent again. Sort of a casual drop in if you will. I am eager for Monday when we go to the new centre for some help with him - which he has agreed to.

    Yesterday was a good day so I will take that!!! They don't seem to come very often at the moment.