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Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Coralchet1, Aug 11, 2017.

  1. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    Hello, thank you for letting me post and for yourself having the time to read this.

    I'm here because of my son. He's 16 and has conduct disorder to which started with ADD, that turned into ODD and now the current conduct diagnoses. Last time we seen the Doctor he said by the time he's 18 he'll be diagnosed bipolar disorder. Doctor also stated there is nothing he can do for son as he refuses any form of help. That day crumbled me! Anyway, sons also into drugs...I'm 100% sure it's pot and maybe 75% sure other drugs as well, he drinks occasionally as well.
    He becomes violent with destroying property at home and tells me to Fck off more often than I like...he steals, lies, use to threaten me with knives and how he'd kill me in my sleep- haven't heard that for quite awhile now! He has also had times of holding his head between his hands all the while passing back and forth telling something to shut up...no idea who he's telling that too!

    by the way, I'm a single parent and have been for 16 yrs. I also have 2 adult children all three kids are from my marriage and father gave them up to me in divorce...my other two are fine mentally they were easy to raise..their younger brother ran before walking, or crawling...he's been difficult since day one..

    I've had my son removed and placed into foster care, a stat unit for troubled kids, for some respite. I've had him the hospital. I've had him charged at 13 and he spent the night in jail. Police have been called many times as I needed help. Police informed him at 15 that they want me ( mom) to place restraining order on him to keep him away from me. He turned 16 a few months back and still up to his :censored2:...

    Well I kicked him out today....I said, get out and don't come back! I also informed him that he was to contact someone either his sister, brother, or the father to say where he was..if he didn't I'd be informing the police and they would find him however, he wasn't to come back here....as far as I know, he didn't call anyone...I'll be calling police tomorrow as it will be 24 hours..

    Honestly, I don't think I have energy anymore...I also suffer from PTSD and depression because of what has happened over the years. I often wonder and ask god why this has happened. I often hear god doesn't give us anything we can't handle, Really? I seriously hate hearing that. I believe people who say that --Have No Idea--

    Anyhow, that pretty much sums up 16 yrs..

    Thank you for reading xx
     
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome Coral
    You are not alone. We do what we need to do. There is a lot of support here. Please take care of yourself. I often wonder if it was CD that caused the drug use to ramp up with my son or the drug use that ramped up the CD. My son was loving sweet soul until 15. He still has his moments but they are fleeting. I put him out Monday. It's not easy but we have to do what's best in our hearts. I am not very religious, spiritual but not religious. The power is in our hands to do what we need to do. The power is in your sons hands to get help not act out. I have not heard of CD leading to bipolar disorder. Is this a general practice doctor or a specialist? I pray he comes to his senses and chooses help over drugs. My heart is with you.
     
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  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is prettt quiet here on weekends but people will reach out to you.
     
  4. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    Good Morning
    Thank you for the welcome lost
    He was seeing a specialist, and we only have two in town to pick from so, because he seen one he can't see the other. Doctor says bipolar as I have a birth family member who had bipolar and because Sons had so many diagnoses he'll be bipolar too....personally, that doctor is Very busy with lots of clients, he's ready for retirement and doesn't care!
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome:

    My son was also diagnosed with CD at age 15. I was devastated but I have since read that's not really such a bad diagnosis and many grow out of.

    As you can see by my signature, my son has been drugging since age 15 and he will be 22 in a few weeks. He is in rehab right now and after his latest incident - long story - I asked them if they thought he was bi-polar. They said they would never diagnose someone when they are actively using because that can mimic many mental illnesses. That makes sense to me and that could be the case with your son also. Drugs make one crazy.

    What you have done is very difficult abut it was the right thing to do. Your son is out of control and you can see by having him live with you things were not going to get better for him or you.

    Does anyone else live in your home? Do you have any support? I think that either group therapy or individual therapy would be helpful to you. I see a therapist and it has helped me. We have to stay strong because there is no quick fix unfortunately and the longevity of dealing with this is debilitating.

    Do you live in the US? I agree that the so called "experts" can leave your mind boggled. Does your son attend school?

    With our son we finally said rehab or out. He'd been to rehab many times and would be okay for a while then go right back to it. After that we moved him to Florida so he could figure it out without making our lives a living hell. We love our son to the moon and back but he has to decide what kind of life he wants to live. I never dreamed we'd still be doing this by this age. We are very fortunate that we have great insurance.

    There is an article on detachment that you may want to read on the main forum page. It will help you see your son as a separate person. It was helpful to me. Also keep reading (and posting too) as many others will offer their advice. This forum has helped me tremendously. Just know that you are not alone. Most of us are in the same boat in some way or another just wanting our adult or almost adult children to be happy and healthy.

    :group-hug:
     
  6. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    No, I'm on my own...I haven't called the police yet either to find him. He's been active on his Facebook account so I know he's somewhere.
    All I know is that I'm at my last straw. I've seen many councillors over the years to hear there is nothing I can do to control him...he needs to want the help given and he chooses not to. My hands are tied. He was informed at 12 yrs old that he can make choices for himself and if he didn't want to be in councilling he didn't have to be- guess what, that gave him free range. He stopped going...he refuses to take medications to which was helping him..he was actually focussed and attended his classes. He went off his medications in grade 9... he failed that grade ...was able to attend grade 10 and failed that as well. Now, he's not a stupid kid by any means, he rather quite intelligent and smart- he just uses it in all the wrong ways. He also has a huge heart when he's not in the Jekyll and Hyde mode, but I don't see that to often.
    He refuses to attend any form of family gatherings and won't do anything with me..
    he does was he wants, when he wants
    He's broken all his electronics - cell also...because he got angry at who ever was on the other end, or a game didn't go right. As for the people he hangs out with ...they all seem to be just as disrespectful. Some have been in jail for stealing cars, and what ever else...I had my son arrested because the seargent and I agreed that maybe putting the fear of God into him might straighten him out. He was charged for destroying property at home. He was taken out in handcuffs in a fit of remorse for what had happen. He didn't change, sure he complied to the judges rules for that year..so he proved to me he Can control his anger "yet" once he was released from his conditions he was back to who he was before everything happen? Why is that? So confusing!
    I take things away...he takes my things away..I ground him to the house he starts destroying and screaming all kinds of nasty things. I have had to walk away, sometimes even leave the house because if I'm not here he doesn't have an audience and stops braking the home I have provided.
    I feel like checking out because I can't do this anymore and yet I know my son, the one that is kind, loving and understanding is somewhere in there...I've seen that boy come out once and awhile.
    As for the drugs and the occasional drinking he does prefer drugs. I fear that he's doing much worse than pot as his one "friends" brother does crack and they've all hung out together....another friend of his was popping uppers...
    I have a stomach ache
     
  7. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    I am also a member of a 12 step program on learning to let go and working on myself...each day is a learning curve
     
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  8. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Welcome Coral. It is very good that you are setting limits with your son. It is not your fault he is out of control. You have done everything a parent can do. Some kids are just this way. As you said his older siblings are okay.

    I have a 17 year old stepson who has done many of the same things as your child. He lives with his father who is his doormat, and he never has experienced any consequences, or received the right kind of help. Others live in fear of his rages and mood swings. He is also very smart, yet would not do his work and ended up leaving his regular high school (he was facing becoming a "super senior" since he failed so many classes) to attend school online. He has a partt time dishwashing job and figures he has it made. He was supposed to graduate this year; he will not. Our hope is he graduates by the time he is 19 if he sticks with the online school. His father has no control over him and does not check on his progress. Also like your son, he had improved with medication to manage his depression and social anxiety but refuses to take it or participate in therapy. He self-medicates with alcohol and pot and possibly other things too. We told his father after we found evidence, and his father not only did not believe us, he also warned my stepson that he was being monitored. We now have no way to keep an eye on him.

    Keep posting, this is a great community.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    As many have said on here, we usually only know half of the truth and if your son is hanging with those that do that, I would think he is too. I also don't think that just weed makes people act the way your son is acting (or my son). Usually people are happy, hungry and then tired!

    My son never cared much when he got into trouble either and everything we did to try to let him feel the consequences of his actions didn't help either.

    Last week he totaled a car my husband had bought him when he left sober living and did a bunch of pills and blacked out while driving. He walked away fine. We think he has nine lives.

    This is not the life we ever envisioned for him. Our son tested above average IQ for whatever that's worth. I call him evil genius. He can figure just about anything out but none of it for good.

    All we can do is offer our love and take care of ourselves. The outcome is up to them and that is scary I know.

    Nothing changed if nothing changes. That is a forum quote but it has so much meaning.
     
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  10. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    I'm sorry, I'm not sure of what the limits are that I've set...I feel like a failure. I kicked him out yesterday and haven't heard from him yet. I feel like a terrible mother " yet" his behaviour got me to this point.
    Where do I draw the line of not driving around looking for him, because I'm ready to go do that soon and I know when I find him he may tell me to efoff.... so right now, I don't know what to do, so I'm doing nothing
     
  11. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Not allowing his behavior to continue in your home is a limit, and it's one many parents are never able to set not even here.

    It is more difficult to die than we worried parents realize. It is far more likely that your son will find a way to survive and he will either decide he likes that street life and continue it, or that he wants better/more for himself. There are people who live many years on the streets, they do not die. Yes they are homeless. No you do not want that for your child. But you don't get a choice and neither do I, it is THEIR life and THEY get to decide. All we can do is get out of their way.

    I don't mean to minimize your pain, but what you did is very brave and not something many of us can muster the courage to actually pull off.
     
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  12. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    Thank you, your right it's his choice and I know he's been taught over the years from myself and agencies about choices, consequences and everything in between regarding life itself.
    This will be the first time I'm not running wild looking for him. I had seen he checked into Facebook so that tells me he's around.
    I keep reminding myself, no news is good news!

    Thank you for your honesty
     
  13. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    Son just facebooked me stating he's going to the exehabition tonight, can I come home after?
    I have not answered him and I don't plan on it. Not right yet
     
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Coralchet. I have guests this morning, so I will write more later.
     
  15. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    Good day...Enjoy the company
     
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome! I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to live iwth a dangerous and destructive child. I went through it with my oldest. We had to send my son to live with my parents after my dad retired. Thankfully my parents were able to handle him. They had no clue what they were getting into, and actually admitted it shortly after he went to live with them. People just don't realize that we are not exaggerating when we describe what our kids do.

    I have serious doubts about the diagnosis your son's doctor is giving you. Everything I have read about various disorders and drug use says that as long as the drugs are on board, it is almost impossible to tell what is truly going on. You have to get the drugs out of his system and then see what is left before you will have any clue as to what his problems are.

    I would have serious doubts that he is only using marijuana. Most drug users tell parents that they only use pot, and they are almost always lying. If he is hanging around with others who use hard drugs, he is using what they use. His behavior is very consistent with the use of harder drugs, but I would not say it would be consistent with the use of alcohol or pot. Of course I am not an expert, so I could be wrong.

    You are a strong, brave, courageous mom. You have worked so hard to save your son from this, but I think you need to accept that you need to focus on saving yourself. At this point, you have almost no control over him (NOT your fault - who gives a 12 yo the right to say no to any part of his medical care - therapy is medical care!!! 12yos don't have the wisdom to make medical decisions for themselves!!). I would cut all finances to your son other than any basics that he can force you to give him by law. I would say food (NOT good food he likes, just basic nutrition), clothes - thrift store will do and only enough to get through 1 week), no more electronics under any circumstances. If he wants any nice or fun things, let him figure out how to pay for them.

    In the meantime, focus on yourself. Stay safe, focus on therapy for you, let your son truly experience the lifestyle he says he wants. On his own dime. I am not a real Dr. Phil fan, but he said one thing that made sense to me: Drug users cannot afford their habits. If families cut off the money, the habit gets very uncomfortable because they cannot finance it. One way to help stop it is to stop all money in all forms that is given to the user.

    This is a thought. Oh, one book that might be helpful, Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic. It might give you some ideas you hadn't thought of. It might be useless, but you never know.

    (((((hugs))))) I am sorry you are going through this. Keep posting. We truly do understand because we have been there or are there.
     
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  17. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    I just posted a question regarding drugs and I think he's doing more than I think...sometimes I think I'm just going crazy with all this!
     
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    In California, kids can legally refuse mental health treatment at 12, IIRC. But parents are still legally responsible - keeps us stuck for six years. Not right.
     
  19. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    It's a crazy system!
     
  20. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Coralchet, you are very brave for standing your ground. You have a right to feel safe in your own home. My son also has anger issues and did from the moment I brought his younger sister home from the hospital. He didn't begin to improve until he asked/begged me to take him to an anger management therapist. Basically, he realized that he had an issue and wanted to change it.

    Your son has not reached that stage yet. Here's a link to the detachment article. https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/