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Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Enmeshedmom, Nov 30, 2017.

  1. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    my son is 19 yeas old and still living at home. I feel like he holds a major grudge against me for some reason. His dad is an addict and he has been raised by myself and my husband his step father. He works and is talking about starting classes at community college. The problem is that he is smoking pot and more often than not really nasty towards me. I also have another child to think about but it seems the constant conflict with my 19 year old takes over my whole life. He wants to be left alone to make his own choices which is fine but when he decides he needs my help he is very demanding about it. I know that there are worse things he could be doing than smoking pot but considering dad is a heroin addict I’m still worried about it.
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome. It is wise to be concerned. I would also be concerned about his attitude and behaviour.
    I read an exceptional article once and it basically said to look at your adult child like a house guests. And if you wouldn’t tolerate the behaviour and attitude from a house guest then do not tolerate it from your adult child.

    It may be a good time for a family meeting and boundary setting.

    You son is now an adult and he should be contributing not retracting from the household. Does he work? Who is he expecting to pay for College?

    I am in a similar boat as you. My May be a bit more sunken at the moment. The disrespect is difficult to take and challenging to control. We have no eliminated outbursts but we have reduced the duration and frequency at which. They occur. Progress not perfection.

    Glad you found us here. There is a lot of wisdom on this sight and you definitely learn you are not alone.

    My son started with pot. He couldn’t manage pot he soon spiraled into other drugs some people can handle it some people can not.
  3. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    I should add that he has been difficult since he could talk. If I said black he said white, he has always been argumentative and had a difficult time socially. I think that is why I feel so worn out. It has been a long time.
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Is he like this with everyone or just you?
  5. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Mostly me.
  6. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    He does work. It’s not optional in our house he knows that
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Definitely time to change some things. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
    Have you thought about seeing a private therapist to help out. My son takes me down the rabbit hole frequently. My therapist and Naranon help a lot.
  8. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    I was seeing a therapist but changes to my insurance have made it difficult right now. Hoping to start back up after holidays. I have a lot of work to do myself and I’m trying to focus more on that than on him. Don’t know why that is so hard for me.
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  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    EM that is the hardest thing for almost all of us here. We are miners they are our children ...or Gerbals so to speak. I had to lean a whole lot of ways to cope.
    There are some excellent books by Melody Beattie that are very good to help focus on self and detach with love.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a 40 year old son who was always dour and difficult and still is. I didn't experience a sweet baby/toddler until I adopted his sister and brothers. I think there is a "nasty" gene in my family DNA. Many family members had it. My adopted kids don't and I raised them the same. Don't underestimate DNA. Dad maybe?

    This is not your fault. And you sound tougher, like me. I think our kids do best when we expect them to be decent, work, etc and hold them to it. You sound as if you can do that.

    Do you let him smoke pot at home? I called the cops on my daughter when she did. She was shocked and I never smelled pot again, although I know she still smoked it outside of the home, as well as using other, worse drugs. And even on drugs she didn't yell at me. Or tell others bad things about me.

    Now 40 year old takes no drugs. But he can still yell. He lives out of state, which is a blessing in this case. If he raises his voice, I end our call and won't talk to him again for three days and he has to be nice. My sympathy is short when a 40 year old acts like a little boy.

    Nobody said being a parent would be easy! Or always fun!
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Welcome, EM. Sorry you had to find us but glad you did.

    It's so hard to separate out what's "normal" sulky young adult stuff, what's experimentation, what's heading toward trouble.

    I mean, even the perfect child 19-year-olds can be pretty jerky sometimes! Cleaving from our parents isn't always done gracefully. And 19 years old is still so young. Not an easy time at all, for them or for us. At least your son is working, and at least talking about future goals.

    But disrespect is never okay, constant conflict is never okay, demanding your help on one hand while telling you to *$&^ off on the other is never okay. It's not fair to you, and I'm sure it's very hard for your other child to witness that sort of thing.

    Pot, while not physically addicting, can still cause some dramatic mood changes and a serious lack of motivation, especially if it's done to excess.

    My son started with pot and "fake" legal pot. In retrospect, I believe "fake" K2-type legal pot at a young age may even have caused some chemical changes in my son's brain that are just now beginning to be unraveled.

    I'm not a prude about pot at all, but in his case pot and alcohol and a brain that was genetically inclined toward addiction led him to stronger drugs fast. Given your son's genetic history with addiction, I certainly understand your concern.

    Do you and your son have a good baseline of communication, other than recently? Does it do any good to voice your concerns to him?

    I think it's great you will be starting again with your counselor. My counselor and this place really help to anchor me when I feel like I'm going to be swept up again.
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  12. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    No I do not allow him to smoke pot in my home and if I find it I flush it. It is legal where we live although not until 21 so I don’t think calling the cops would accomplish much. My husband who has raised him since he was 4 is very confident that he will turn out fine and that this is just a phase but I’m not so sure. He says that the more I show my disapproval over it the more he will do it.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    (Sigh) very childish thing to say.

    I called the cops many moons ago. I don't think pot would be a big deal here either today.

    I threw out both pot and cigarettes. Because my daughter did illegal stuff, she lost the privledge of privacy and she would always put things in obvious places so I would find them. I would check her purse and room and yep. Always there. But no smoking anything in our house. I was thrilled when she quit the cigarettes. I hate them for my kids....they cause so many diseases. I wonder what we will eventually find out pot causes. Nothing is free of bad effects and pot will be no different.

    Take heart. Daughter turned out great and we are very close. It can happen.
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  14. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    So yesterday was my sons orientation for community college, it was at 9am and by 7:30 am when he had not been out of his room yet I was sure he wasn’t going. Well he emerged around 7:45 and said that yes he was going. Now it is a 45 min drive from our house and the parking situation there is crazy so I was getting really anxious and of course he was just taking his time. At one point he made the remark that he thought I was going with him. We had discussed that option when we weren’t sure if there was paperwork I would need to sign but we found out there was not. I figured he wanted me to go so he could blame me when he was late. Anyway, after trying to badger him and rush him along he turned to me and said “mom what have you got to lose if I am late?” (Which he was by 10min or so) He is paying for college himself so it is not our money on the line, and just because the mere thought of being late makes me break out in hives doesn’t mean he feels the same way. Sometimes he says things that really make me think. Trying to hang on to him and keep track of his every move is definitely proving to be more harmful than helpful and I’m not sure when but somewhere along the lines I have lost the faith I use to have that very thing will be fine. I need to find it again
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi EM
    Your sons comment about Pot sounds like my son. So immature.

    I stoped badger off my son this summer and it has made life so much less stressful for me. I also do not accept him going off on me or my husband. These boundaries have been respected.

    It is so very hard to let them do their own thing. Especially when it is like the Train Wreck of the century and we can see it coming at them full speed ahead.
    I practice not getting into a panic mode about his life and standing out of his way.
  16. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    It was actually my husband that said that about pot. What he meant was that given the history of our relationship my son has always needed to prove me wrong so this is like a battle where we have both picked a side and he doesn’t want to lose.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    enmeshed. hi. and welcome.

    unfortunately for you we are indeed clones.

    you sound like you did a good job. and your husband wise and supportive. that said, i do understand and relate to your fear.

    your son while a mixed bag and acting like a minor xsshole is doing some positive things. which does not mean he is entitled to treat you or anybody badly.

    i agree with the others. if he wants to dominate his life and space 100 per cent. he should not be in yours.

  18. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Thank you. I have been feeling like a colossal failure as a parent lately where he is concerned. I just never feel like I am getting anything right. If only I’d been prepared for this stage in parenting. Silly me thought that things got easier at this age. This waiting game to see how things will pan out makes me constantly anxious and suspicious of his every move. We could both use some space but the problem with asking him to leave is that the only place he would really have to go is with his addict father.
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  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Sorry for the confusion on that comment. We do fear as well the more we object the more he will partake.
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    We have all been down that Rabbit hole and I continue to slip in in every now and then. One think I can tell you is to work on yourself and detaching. Even is he remains in your space detaching and setting boundaries does help a lot.

    I know how you feel about putting your son out with no where to go. We have had to do that. It is not easy. There is no right or wrong answer. Each child is individual and we all do what our hearts can endure.