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[Copabanana]

enmeshed. he works. could he not afford to get a room in a shared apartment?

what about job corps? it is free job training. no cost for room and food. good supervision. run by government. at sites all over the usa. (if you are in the usa.)

if he does not want to work with you he does need to do something. it is on him. not you.

that is not true that your son's only option is his addict dad. he is a legal adult. kids his age go to los angeles to get into the movies; to santa cruz to surf; to nyc to broadway; to alaska for the fisheries; to the shale oilfields in the dakotas to make big bucks; to colorado to grow weed (joke).

that we are their only option (implying we must tolerate their abuse) comes from our psyches and likely our pasts.

stop insulting yourself. you did nothing wrong.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Sorry for the confusion on that comment. We do fear as well the more we object the more he will partake.

No worries, I went back and re-read what I wrote and it was confusing.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

enmeshed. he works. could he not afford to get a room in a shared apartment?

what about job corps? it is free job training. no cost for room and food. good supervision. run by government. at sites all over the usa. (if you are in the usa.)

if he does not want to work with you he does need to do something. it is on him. not you.

that is not true that your son's only option is his addict dad. he is a legal adult. kids his age go to los angeles to get into the movies; to santa cruz to surf; to nyc to broadway; to alaska for the fisheries; to the shale oilfields in the dakotas to make big bucks; to colorado to grow weed (joke).

that we are their only option (implying we must tolerate their abuse) comes from our psyches and likely our pasts.

stop insulting yourself. you did nothing wrong.

I went to job corps and loved it. You are right he has other options, I’m afraid that he will go to his fathers just because that would be the easiest choice at least initially. I told him yesterday that we need to try to find some common ground and respect each other’s boundaries if we are going to continue to live together while he goes to school. The deal when he graduated was that he could live at home while he was going to school but he had to be working also, at least part time. And if he didn’t go to school he would be working full time and putting away money towards his own living arrangements and we would set a reasonable time limit on that when the time came. I was raised in an alcoholic home and I’m sure that has a lot to do with the way that I am. I will confess that I am a major control freak and highly anxious about most things that are out of my control and there is my biggest problem with this age. He isn’t my Baby anymore and needs to find his own way and I’m scared sh#&less.

 

[RN0441]

Hi En

Is his father in active addiction or no longer using?

Not to make light of your situation but it doesn't sound THAT bad right now to me but maybe I missed something in your posts?

If my son went to school and worked and only smoked pot I'd have been thrilled...but he didn't stay within those parameters.

I agree talking to you wish disrespect is a big NO go.

Healthy boundaries are so important for us and for them.

I think addiction is in every families genes.

My mother was also an alcoholic so I can completely relate to your comments about being a control freak and highly anxious so I just had to respond!!

 

[Enmeshedmom]

I ran into my therapist at the grocery store today and she told me she is closing her practice. I know when the time comes I will find someone else but I really liked her and felt like she understood me.

Hi En

Is his father in active addiction or no longer using?

Not to make light of your situation but it doesn't sound THAT bad right now to me but maybe I missed something in your posts?

If my son went to school and worked and only smoked pot I'd have been thrilled...but he didn't stay within those parameters.

I agree talking to you wish disrespect is a big NO go.

Healthy boundaries are so important for us and for them.

I think addiction is in every families genes.

My mother was also an alcoholic so I can completely relate to your comments about being a control freak and highly anxious so I just had to respond!!

yes he is still active with no end site considering as far as he is concerned it’s everybody else that has a problem. After reading a lot of other posts on this site I have to agree that it could be a lot worse. The biggest thing causing me problems right now is trying to control a situation that is not my job to control. It’s like I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome and trying to see into the future. My biggest fear is that it will go beyond pot or already has. My husband, who did a lot more experimenting when he was young says that he does not think he is using anything else and He believes anyway that he would know.

 

[RN0441]

Enmesh:

I had a great therapist that was with me for about 9 months who I started seeing after my son was sent to Florida to sober living and did well until he overdosed on girlfriend's mothers morphine. Her mother was terminally ill and has since passed. I just was having a major meltdown 24/7. I felt I was literally shaking inside. I was thankful I had her because she really helped me through that time. Seeing his overdose in my mind on a loop and trying to work and live my daily life.

She left the practice late last year and I started seeing someone else less often. At the beginning I was mortified but am doing okay with her now. She is also a specialist in addiction so that is helpful. Then SHE left practice but thankfully I was able to follow her. I think it's more about being able to have someone hear you out and offer their reflections into your thoughts coming from her expertise in addiction. The continuity with the first one was critical for me at that time so I'm glad I had that.

Right now I am dealing with more of a PTSD from everything we've been through. Our son is safe now and so I am actually feeling much better but I still have high anxiety a LOT. I fear for his future and if he will get everything out of the program that he is in now that he should be getting. I know worrying doesn't help so I try to cope and take it one day at a time and focus on where he is right NOW.

Obviously not mine to control either but well we know that story......

I think the fact that you are aware of what is going on around you and you have come to this site are both good things. Being INFORMED and EDUCATED is the best thing we can do for ourselves as parents. Your son is already an adult so you certainly can pull out the big guns. You no longer HAVE TO support him or have him in your home. You should not put up with him disrespecting you or your home and certainly you need to protect your younger son from being in an unsafe or hostile environment if it comes to that.

Of course, we all hope your husband is right but none of us can predict the future. I think you're doing everything you need to do for now but don't be afraid to be firm or they have a tendency to "walk all over" us.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

So sorry for all you have been through. That is my worst nightmare. I’m a little irritated right now because he called out of work today for no good reason and I’m wondering if there is a reason he is not telling me. Initially he said it was to look for a new job which makes no sense because he has had all day to look for another job, his shift doesn’t start until 4:30. He doesn’t call out a lot and I know that when I was his age I took some nonsense sick days but for some reason things like this really trigger me.

...two minutes after typing this he came out of his room to tell me that he was going to play guitar at his friends house. He said “please don’t freak out but I’m going over to so and so’s to jam.”Said it wasn’t planned that way he just now texted him and asked him to come over. How stupid does he think I am? He said “I’m 19 I don’t have to lie to you.” To which I said “no you don’t but you choose to anyway.” I specifically asked him if he had other plans with friends and he said no, my gut knew that wasn’t true. the only thing worse than being lied to is knowing your being lied to. If he would of just said “ I think I am going to play hooky tonight and go jam with so and so.” I would not have really liked it, but I wouldn’t argue with him about it either. I also have had issues with ptsd having to do with my younger son who was born with a birth defect and has had many surgeries as an infant and almost died and then a couple more when he was 7 for a major bowel obstruction. I wonder sometimes if that has programmed this constant “high alert” feeling that I live with everyday. My younger sons health is my trigger with him and my older one is his behavior but the feelings are all the same.