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<blockquote data-quote="BTDT" data-source="post: 12788" data-attributes="member: 3401"><p>Dear WID,</p><p></p><p>Yours is one of most honest posts I've read in a long time. That of admitting former denial. It's a survival-of-the-tender-heart tactic that we all have at one time or another. We deny what we cannot explain or accept.</p><p></p><p>I cannot claim to know much about your son's other diagnoses. But ADHD and ODD I know. When your son is medicated and away from the key adults in his life, he will get noticeably better. If he is depressed, medications will make him a new young man. Until he returns home.</p><p></p><p>Problem is...honesty here...ODD is a reaction to adults and adult rule. Because your child has ADHD, adults in his life have been innocently making the same mistakes all adults make when dealing with difficult ADHD behaviors - mistakes that cause him to distrust adults. What your child perceives as a "mistake worthy of his distrust" does not register as a mistake to his loving parents, who most often parent as their parents did. Don't blames yourself because your child's slant on this defies common sense... until you truly understand ADHD.</p><p></p><p>There is no cure for ODD. One can only minimize it. (Did you know that 57-64% of all children with ADHD develop ODD? Only the children with the hyperactive or combined types get it, not the inattentive types. Although one can get ODD without having ADHD.) It can be prevented. Medication only eases it a bit. Because the real problem is your child's opposition to adult rule. ODD is the MOST misunderstood of all childhood disorders. Don't even try to find anything useful on the bookshelves. I have read them all. I don't believe it exists, unless something appeared lately.</p><p></p><p>You are wise to get him stabilized. Trust your doctors. If you don't, find others. </p><p></p><p>If I may make a suggestion, start looking now for a savvy play therapist with a proven track record of dramatically helping children with ADHD and ODD. No talking therapy. You need a play therapist. This is how to decide they're worth their oats. Ask them how long it will take to complete therapy. On your son, and filial. If they can't tell you 30 sessions or less, then keep looking. Now granted those may be long.........sessions, perhaps three hours. But THAT's what it takes to solve this at your son's age. Fifty minutes a week won't do. And getting a loan now for therapy is a LOT less than paying for residential treatment later. Because I promise you, it WILL get worse without excellent therapy.</p><p></p><p>And if it were me, I would choose ONLY a therapist that had lived with a child with ADHD/ODD or lots of them. Otherwise, I just don't think anyone can really "get it." </p><p></p><p>And set up appointments for therapy right away, as soon as your child can attend. The heart of the solution is one- to truly understand ADHD. And two- to repair your parent-child relationship. When you truly understand ADHD, what it means to your child, not what the books say, you will start to get it. The next important step will be filial therapy.</p><p></p><p>And please don't exhaust and confuse yourself trying to read a bunch of books or websites at this point. Much of what you read is dead wrong. Let your therapist educate you. Because he or she can deal with all the other painful emotions surrounding this heartbreak. </p><p></p><p>If you must read, find something worthy about how to rebuild the parent-child relationship and keep it strong. Because that's the secret to easing this, no matter his diagnoses.</p><p></p><p>I am truly sorry for your pain. That's too much for anyone to bear. Remorse only makes it worse. Please forgive yourself first. That's the best way to start helping your son. </p><p></p><p>When you are able to see him, don't try to talk more than to tell him that you love him dearly, that it hurts to see him in pain, and you only want to help him find his way through this. No need for lots of questions. Just be with him, place your hand on his arm, listen to him, hear him. Don't try to fix him or get him to explain. He doesn't understand it either. Your patient and attentive one-on-one company is the best way to show your love now. And the best way to prove to him that you are ready to turn the tide.</p><p></p><p>I know these things dear WID because I've...</p><p>been there done that</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BTDT, post: 12788, member: 3401"] Dear WID, Yours is one of most honest posts I've read in a long time. That of admitting former denial. It's a survival-of-the-tender-heart tactic that we all have at one time or another. We deny what we cannot explain or accept. I cannot claim to know much about your son's other diagnoses. But ADHD and ODD I know. When your son is medicated and away from the key adults in his life, he will get noticeably better. If he is depressed, medications will make him a new young man. Until he returns home. Problem is...honesty here...ODD is a reaction to adults and adult rule. Because your child has ADHD, adults in his life have been innocently making the same mistakes all adults make when dealing with difficult ADHD behaviors - mistakes that cause him to distrust adults. What your child perceives as a "mistake worthy of his distrust" does not register as a mistake to his loving parents, who most often parent as their parents did. Don't blames yourself because your child's slant on this defies common sense... until you truly understand ADHD. There is no cure for ODD. One can only minimize it. (Did you know that 57-64% of all children with ADHD develop ODD? Only the children with the hyperactive or combined types get it, not the inattentive types. Although one can get ODD without having ADHD.) It can be prevented. Medication only eases it a bit. Because the real problem is your child's opposition to adult rule. ODD is the MOST misunderstood of all childhood disorders. Don't even try to find anything useful on the bookshelves. I have read them all. I don't believe it exists, unless something appeared lately. You are wise to get him stabilized. Trust your doctors. If you don't, find others. If I may make a suggestion, start looking now for a savvy play therapist with a proven track record of dramatically helping children with ADHD and ODD. No talking therapy. You need a play therapist. This is how to decide they're worth their oats. Ask them how long it will take to complete therapy. On your son, and filial. If they can't tell you 30 sessions or less, then keep looking. Now granted those may be long.........sessions, perhaps three hours. But THAT's what it takes to solve this at your son's age. Fifty minutes a week won't do. And getting a loan now for therapy is a LOT less than paying for residential treatment later. Because I promise you, it WILL get worse without excellent therapy. And if it were me, I would choose ONLY a therapist that had lived with a child with ADHD/ODD or lots of them. Otherwise, I just don't think anyone can really "get it." And set up appointments for therapy right away, as soon as your child can attend. The heart of the solution is one- to truly understand ADHD. And two- to repair your parent-child relationship. When you truly understand ADHD, what it means to your child, not what the books say, you will start to get it. The next important step will be filial therapy. And please don't exhaust and confuse yourself trying to read a bunch of books or websites at this point. Much of what you read is dead wrong. Let your therapist educate you. Because he or she can deal with all the other painful emotions surrounding this heartbreak. If you must read, find something worthy about how to rebuild the parent-child relationship and keep it strong. Because that's the secret to easing this, no matter his diagnoses. I am truly sorry for your pain. That's too much for anyone to bear. Remorse only makes it worse. Please forgive yourself first. That's the best way to start helping your son. When you are able to see him, don't try to talk more than to tell him that you love him dearly, that it hurts to see him in pain, and you only want to help him find his way through this. No need for lots of questions. Just be with him, place your hand on his arm, listen to him, hear him. Don't try to fix him or get him to explain. He doesn't understand it either. Your patient and attentive one-on-one company is the best way to show your love now. And the best way to prove to him that you are ready to turn the tide. I know these things dear WID because I've... been there done that [/QUOTE]
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