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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 12789" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>been there done that, you said, "And please don't exhaust and confuse yourself trying to read a bunch of books or websites at this point. Much of what you read is dead wrong. Let your therapist educate you. Because he or she can deal with all the other painful emotions surrounding this heartbreak. </p><p>If you must read, find something worthy about how to rebuild the parent-child relationship and keep it strong. Because that's the secret to easing this, no matter his diagnoses."</p><p></p><p>That's why I recommended "The Explosive Child". I agree that if we read everything we were recommended we'd never have time for anything else, but so many people here have found it to be extremely helpful. And thinking about it, I believe it DOES work so well because it does a great deal for the parent-child relationship.</p><p></p><p>With a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis (although this is still being reconsidered) the child often needs a different, almost paradoxic, approach. Often what works with one child will be the absolute worst thing you can do, for another. I think you mentioned this yourself. And I agree with you, I think a vast amount of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is caused, in those few kids, by parents doing what always has worked for them before, and what worked for THEIR parents. For 99% of kids, it's the right way to go. But for that one or two here and there - it's a disaster.</p><p></p><p>With my youngest son especially, I've had to learn to break the rules. They say you have to crawl before you can walk - he had to do it all on the same day as a coordinated exercise. In his case it wasn't walking/crawling, it was language/reading/mathematics, but the same rule - break the rules. He just can't do it like everyone else.</p><p></p><p>You say you've had success with strictness and consistent discipline - that's great. I agree it's what should work. But not for us. Consistency, yes. But punishment-based - it has led to the ODD-like symptoms we see. Natural consequences work better for him, but he has had so much trouble with impulsivity and distraction - if you're going to try to be strict you need to know whether the behaviours you're trying to correct are even correctable at this point.</p><p>Example: When difficult child 1 was 6 his doctor promised him $50 if he could sit perfectly still for five minutes. difficult child 1 just couldn't do it. He knew what to do; he was highly motivated; he was simply incapable. To punish a child for fidgeting, when the child simply can't help it, is to set the child up for failure. When you engage in battle, you need to know that you can win. You never set the child up for failure, you set the child up for graded success. "You sat still for one minute - that was fabulous! Now go and jump on the trampoline." You let the child up BEFORE the fidgets force him up. That takes careful observation and keen knowledge of the child.</p><p></p><p>That's where "The Explosive Child" helped us the most - it gave me the self-confidence to develop and trust my own observations and to teach my son that I am his facilitator, not his obstacle. He no longer sees me as someone to automatically disobey (if he ever did - it just seems like that when you don't understand the way they're thinking). He knows that if he asks, I will give him a good reason for asking him to do something. I give him respect and in return I get respect. More than most kids, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids need behaviour modelled to them. Failure to treat them with respect is, I feel, the major cause of ODD signs developing in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids. This may not be the reason for other disorders, because every kid and disability has different problems, but it certainly seems to be common in my experience. And when you realise that Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids tend to gravitate together and I've seen a lot of them and hear their stories of power struggles with teachers and other hair-raising tales, the pattern seems very strong. None of these kids were ODD with all teachers, but all of the kids were ODD with some teachers. And when I met one particular teacher - I sympathised with the kids and became extremely oppositional to her myself. Flamin' dragon!</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the site, been there done that. Do let us know more about your own situation.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 12789, member: 1991"] been there done that, you said, "And please don't exhaust and confuse yourself trying to read a bunch of books or websites at this point. Much of what you read is dead wrong. Let your therapist educate you. Because he or she can deal with all the other painful emotions surrounding this heartbreak. If you must read, find something worthy about how to rebuild the parent-child relationship and keep it strong. Because that's the secret to easing this, no matter his diagnoses." That's why I recommended "The Explosive Child". I agree that if we read everything we were recommended we'd never have time for anything else, but so many people here have found it to be extremely helpful. And thinking about it, I believe it DOES work so well because it does a great deal for the parent-child relationship. With a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis (although this is still being reconsidered) the child often needs a different, almost paradoxic, approach. Often what works with one child will be the absolute worst thing you can do, for another. I think you mentioned this yourself. And I agree with you, I think a vast amount of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is caused, in those few kids, by parents doing what always has worked for them before, and what worked for THEIR parents. For 99% of kids, it's the right way to go. But for that one or two here and there - it's a disaster. With my youngest son especially, I've had to learn to break the rules. They say you have to crawl before you can walk - he had to do it all on the same day as a coordinated exercise. In his case it wasn't walking/crawling, it was language/reading/mathematics, but the same rule - break the rules. He just can't do it like everyone else. You say you've had success with strictness and consistent discipline - that's great. I agree it's what should work. But not for us. Consistency, yes. But punishment-based - it has led to the ODD-like symptoms we see. Natural consequences work better for him, but he has had so much trouble with impulsivity and distraction - if you're going to try to be strict you need to know whether the behaviours you're trying to correct are even correctable at this point. Example: When difficult child 1 was 6 his doctor promised him $50 if he could sit perfectly still for five minutes. difficult child 1 just couldn't do it. He knew what to do; he was highly motivated; he was simply incapable. To punish a child for fidgeting, when the child simply can't help it, is to set the child up for failure. When you engage in battle, you need to know that you can win. You never set the child up for failure, you set the child up for graded success. "You sat still for one minute - that was fabulous! Now go and jump on the trampoline." You let the child up BEFORE the fidgets force him up. That takes careful observation and keen knowledge of the child. That's where "The Explosive Child" helped us the most - it gave me the self-confidence to develop and trust my own observations and to teach my son that I am his facilitator, not his obstacle. He no longer sees me as someone to automatically disobey (if he ever did - it just seems like that when you don't understand the way they're thinking). He knows that if he asks, I will give him a good reason for asking him to do something. I give him respect and in return I get respect. More than most kids, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids need behaviour modelled to them. Failure to treat them with respect is, I feel, the major cause of ODD signs developing in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids. This may not be the reason for other disorders, because every kid and disability has different problems, but it certainly seems to be common in my experience. And when you realise that Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids tend to gravitate together and I've seen a lot of them and hear their stories of power struggles with teachers and other hair-raising tales, the pattern seems very strong. None of these kids were ODD with all teachers, but all of the kids were ODD with some teachers. And when I met one particular teacher - I sympathised with the kids and became extremely oppositional to her myself. Flamin' dragon! Welcome to the site, been there done that. Do let us know more about your own situation. Marg [/QUOTE]
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