new member -discouraged and humiliated

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Smitc0, Apr 24, 2009.

  1. Smitc0

    Smitc0 New Member

    I have a 10 yr old son with a diagnosis of adhd. From birth he has been different from my other two sons. He is the middle child.
    We've tried play therapy for over a year when he was 5 years old.
    He was suspended from pre-k for a couple days for an inability to keep his hands to himself.
    He was often in trouble in kindergarten, and first grade. He was suspended for a week in second grade for being too rough on the playground (choking a girl). This was the episode that finally got the attention of his pediatrician who referred us to a counselor - his testing results showed a very high score for Adha and oppositional disorder. We started adderall and had much success with the hyperactivity.
    However, the oppositional issue continues to challenge us daily.
    He is not invited to parties, and we've recently been told by two different families that they do not want him to come to their homes or for their sons to play with him - primarily because he argues with the parents.
    He plays on a basketball and baseball team - both coaches do not want him to be on the team because he argues with them, loses his temper, yells at the coaches, etc.
    I am exhausted. I don't know what to do - we've tried counseling off and on and it does not seem to matter.
    We've tried to acknowledge his good behavior and down play the bad. It does not seem to matter.
    I don't know if there is other medications to assist in treatment or what the next step should be.
    My heart aches for him, he is a sweet, caring boy - but he can not control his behavior, he cries telling me he tries but he can't stop.
    Any recommendations? Any books? Anything that works?
  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Hi I just wanted to welcome you!
    I am exhausted tonight due to my own little spitfires!!!
    it has been a very long week and I would hate to write and advice for you and have it make no sense!
    Who knows if I ever make sense though! LOL
    Some others likely will come along in the morning.

    We a great group.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member


    Your post sounds all too familiar. Counseling was no help for my daughter either. If you haven't read it already, The Explosive Child has been helpful for many of us.

    Weekends can be slow, but others will be along.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. As we often say here "glad you found us" "sorry you had to". So

    I understand the sadness of having a child who is excluded. It really is a major issue for the parents but worse yet, it sets the child up for a pattern
    of rejection which is not healthy.

    Exactly who evaluated your son. Did you have a neuro-psychiatric evaluation done or was it a Pediatrician or a child Psychiatrist? Sometimes the key to finding a solution is making sure that you have the best qualified specialist working to help your family. The ADHD medication has helped with the hyperactivity so that is good. Now, you need someone who will guide you with the other issues.

    You've found a great place for support. I'm sure you will never feel alone
    again as you seek answers. This site is a lifesaver. DDD
  5. DramaQueenLucy

    DramaQueenLucy New Member

    Hi there...I am so glad that you have found this board! Who tested your son? I would recommend setting an appointment with a neuropsychologist doctor and have him tested there as they are much more through. The explosive child is an excellent book, I have read it from the first edition and finally broke down and got the latest edition of the book. I know it is hard when your kiddo has been left out difficult child 1 at age 8-10 didn't have many friends because of being oppositional as well, he had tried to strangle another little boy at age 8 and would get violent with other kids then oppositional with their I understand. Sometimes you just need to find the right stuff to fit your kiddo and then things will get better.

    Hugs I know how hard it is..
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome.

    Sounds like a lot more going on than ADHD/ODD. Choking? I'd have him evaluated by a neuropsychologist. They are by far the most intensive evaluations and can tell you more than you already know...therefore helping your child more.

    How was your son's early development with speech, good eye contact with strangers, his ability to relate to his same age peers, his social skills in general, his life skills, and does he have any obsessive interests.

    Are there any psychiatric problems OR substance abuse on either side of his family tree?

    All these issues need to be looked at. ADHD is often a first, but only NOT a last and final, diagnosis. It can mimic a lot of other things. You need a sharp professional to sort if out, which, again, I feel are neuropyschs.
  7. Smitc0

    Smitc0 New Member

    Thank you to those who have responded.
    Hearing from others sure makes a causes a sense of relief instead of hopelessness.
    My son was first evaluated by a child psycologist that I sought out - she works at the City County Health Department in child services. This was when he was 5 - she was anti medications-which I am okay with if other therapy works. Here is when we spent well over a year learning and applying play therapy. He responded well, and liked the individual attention we would give him, however when the therapy introduced adding in his siblings, he didn't do as well. We would schedule 15-20 mins each evening to do play therapy, however once our time was over - it didn't seem to make much difference.

    I asked his school to put him in a "anger management" group that the school counselor provided. I had asked for this while in kindergarten and in first grade. Nothing happened until the "choking incident" in second grade. The counselor reported that "he gives the right answers to the scenario's". So I know intuitively that he knows the right things to do - however it seems that knowing the right thing and actually carrying it out are two very different things for him.

    He was tested by a licensed MSW, PhD who only works with children. He did the standardized testing (the names of the test escape me now) Again my son scored high in the ADHD category and in ODD. This is when the Adderall was suggested. The medication has made a night and day difference, but he struggles with controlling himself verbally and physically.

    The MSW saw my son for individual counseling, I could not see any improvement from this. So I thought maybe my son is not "connecting" with this counselor - So I tried another - She concludes that there are problems between my son and husband. My husband is a bit harder on this child than our other two.

    I am a RN, so studying the side effects of adderall encouraged me to have him changed focolin. Either drug seems to work fine for the hyperactivity.
    I've also studied - change your brain change your life-by Dr. Amen.

    So - we have not been seen by a neuropsyhc- but I will seek one out immediately.

    My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 10 years ago. So I do believe there is more than just ADHD happening here.

    Thanks again!
  8. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    All I can say is that you are not alone. My difficult child is almost 15 and is still never invited anywhere (not discouraging you) just letting you know that other parents here are all too familiar with what is going on there and to let you know we all understand. This board has been a lifesaver to me and I hope it will be for you too! Keep posting even if it's just to vent - you found a group of peple who understand what you're going through - Amen to what someone else said - glad you found us - sorry you had to! Never feel humiliated - we are stronger than most for what we go through on a daily basis - be proud of being such a good and caring parent!
  9. compassion

    compassion Member

    For me, with child with similar tratis, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) books have been a lifeline. (autsm spsectrum) Even, if not speicif that diagnois, the very concrte and specific suggestions for ahndling soicla situations, anger, etc. help a lot. There is an excelelnt asperspers book website. She could rcite back but the actual skills were missing. Medication also helped he a lot. She is on Abilify and lactimal. Compassion
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would still do a neuropsychologist. Seems like you've mostly dealt with the county mental health services, schools, and a social worker. in my opinion they are not the best or brightest resources for any child. Schools are notoriously "Iffy" at who they hire, how they diagnose, and how much they help.
    NeuroPsychs do intensive testing for everything. ODD is not really a useful diagnosis--it means the child is defiant but it doesn't tell why.
    It's your call, but I'd have him on the waiting list (they are good so mostly have waiting lists) for a private NeuroPsychological evaluation to make sure no stone is left unturned.
    in my opinion therapy isn't enough and he hasn't gotten an intensive enough evaluation. Not all disorders use medication...all depends on what's the driving problem.

    Whatever you decide to do or not good, I wish you good luck.
  11. mcarpine

    mcarpine New Member

    Please be very careful about just accepting a ODD diagnosis. Have you done the research about what this means and what a conduct disorder diagnosis leads too. They are basically giving up on your child. My son also received a ODD diagnosis when he was 5. He was expelled from first grade and placed on many medications. Turns out he had anxiety disorder and adhd and is now in a normal 7th grade with no medications. do the research dont just accept a ODD diagnosis. There are things you can do. So many Adhd kids are given the ODD label and written off and put on tons of medications. You know your child.