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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703080" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son, now 28, I adopted at 22 months, also had these issues. Plus anxiety since a toddler, and depression which began when he was about 18.</p><p>While my son has not been arrested that I know of, (he is now 28) the lying for the past 5 years or so has been a problem. He is defensive, he externalizes responsibility to external causes, he is resistant to learning from his mistakes, and argues every point. He wants do overs continuously. Lately he has been calling these, a new leaf. But the thing is, he does not link sufficiently the verbalized commitment to change with the need to change in actuality his behavior.</p><p></p><p>This leads to a great deal of frustration on our part, pain, and discord. And WE seem unable to learn from our mistakes, either.</p><p></p><p>What parents on this site (I have been here a little more than 18 months) represent, is that WE CANNOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY to suffer the consequences of their acts, or to help them evade responsibility for same.</p><p></p><p>I know it may not seem so, but you and your son are LUCKY the transgression is minor--he will not suffer lasting consequences from having to experience the full force of the consequences for his breaking the law.</p><p></p><p>Many of us on this site (but not all) do not minimize the destructiveness of marijuana, especially for our own children many of whom lack motivation, direction, stability or a great deal of self-confidence, and many of whom like your own, may have underlying developmental challenges, mental illness, or difficult events in their pasts to work through.</p><p></p><p>While adoption to us may feel like the greatest of blessings, to our children, there are issues of abandonment, possibly, racial confusion, and a sense of defectiveness and self-blame--because their birth parents may have given them up or by their behaviors, abandoned them.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I want to say something that may or may not pertain to you, but I feel is true to me. My son is the love of my love. I wanted him more than I ever wanted anything or anyone. With him, I was truly born. He was a dream come true.</p><p></p><p>An awful lot to put on one little boy, is it not?</p><p></p><p>I jumped several social classes in the course of m life. And I was a single mother. I did it all myself. Did I really think that my love for him could overcome what he felt was his destiny, or his sense of damage? Did I really think that opportunities for international travel or the ability to learn various languages or an enriched environment in terms of exposure to this and that would assuage the hurts that he would feel and need to deal with coming to grips with his history and his life? How could I? And yet, I did.</p><p></p><p>Each of us, and all of us, must come to terms with ourselves and our lives. My son. Myself. Your son and you, too.</p><p></p><p>We all live to make sense of who we are, at the heart and core of us, and what our lives mean. To ourselves, and to others. This is very, very hard to watch from the perspective of a parent--and at the same time we personalize it all, too. How could we not. Even if we try not to. We do.</p><p></p><p>And adoption presents a myriad of challenges, on top of a typical upbringing and adolescent, which itself is no walk in the park. But of course you know all of this. I hope it eases your burden for a moment to hear it said again.</p><p></p><p>We cannot expect them, our sons, to be happy and flourish when they are dealing both with developmental challenges and challenges unique to their own history and <em>the need to work these out. Development is not only a straight line progression. Not for any of us.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>In fact, it is not necessarily progressive. It can be a spiral or a backsliding for a while. And then a jump ahead, or not.</p><p></p><p>Our job as parents is to learn to step back and to learn to tolerate their working through their own challenges. This is waaaay hard to do, from my perspective.</p><p></p><p>You will find on this forum an article on detachment which while very helpful, was daunting ( for me, still) and very foreign to me, too.</p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here. Other people will respond and have different viewpoints. Some of which you read will be helpful, not all .</p><p></p><p>There are some people here that believe that the issues and problems our adopted children have are due to their genetic or inherited differences, and that our problems as parents may stem from our expectation that our children be like us, when they are genetically different. While this can be an element, I disagree with this point of view. Many or most parents have expectations of their children--birth or not--that those kids fill or do not But I do not agree that adopted children's issues are due to genetic influences, or differences in the main. But about existential issues--that all of us have--whether we face them or not. But about this, you will have your own beliefs.</p><p></p><p>I want to conclude this way: much of what you write about your son is very, very positive and hopeful. His response to therapy. That he has had jobs. That he has a girlfriend. The fact that there have been no episodes of violence or overt aggression. His involvement in social and recreational activities.</p><p></p><p>I hope you keep posting. It helps a lot. Take care. We are glad you are here.</p><p></p><p>Finally, finally. Do not blame yourself. Try not to. This is part of your son's development. Not because you worked or did not. Or because you did one thing, and not another thing. That is what I think.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703080, member: 18958"] My son, now 28, I adopted at 22 months, also had these issues. Plus anxiety since a toddler, and depression which began when he was about 18. While my son has not been arrested that I know of, (he is now 28) the lying for the past 5 years or so has been a problem. He is defensive, he externalizes responsibility to external causes, he is resistant to learning from his mistakes, and argues every point. He wants do overs continuously. Lately he has been calling these, a new leaf. But the thing is, he does not link sufficiently the verbalized commitment to change with the need to change in actuality his behavior. This leads to a great deal of frustration on our part, pain, and discord. And WE seem unable to learn from our mistakes, either. What parents on this site (I have been here a little more than 18 months) represent, is that WE CANNOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY to suffer the consequences of their acts, or to help them evade responsibility for same. I know it may not seem so, but you and your son are LUCKY the transgression is minor--he will not suffer lasting consequences from having to experience the full force of the consequences for his breaking the law. Many of us on this site (but not all) do not minimize the destructiveness of marijuana, especially for our own children many of whom lack motivation, direction, stability or a great deal of self-confidence, and many of whom like your own, may have underlying developmental challenges, mental illness, or difficult events in their pasts to work through. While adoption to us may feel like the greatest of blessings, to our children, there are issues of abandonment, possibly, racial confusion, and a sense of defectiveness and self-blame--because their birth parents may have given them up or by their behaviors, abandoned them. Finally, I want to say something that may or may not pertain to you, but I feel is true to me. My son is the love of my love. I wanted him more than I ever wanted anything or anyone. With him, I was truly born. He was a dream come true. An awful lot to put on one little boy, is it not? I jumped several social classes in the course of m life. And I was a single mother. I did it all myself. Did I really think that my love for him could overcome what he felt was his destiny, or his sense of damage? Did I really think that opportunities for international travel or the ability to learn various languages or an enriched environment in terms of exposure to this and that would assuage the hurts that he would feel and need to deal with coming to grips with his history and his life? How could I? And yet, I did. Each of us, and all of us, must come to terms with ourselves and our lives. My son. Myself. Your son and you, too. We all live to make sense of who we are, at the heart and core of us, and what our lives mean. To ourselves, and to others. This is very, very hard to watch from the perspective of a parent--and at the same time we personalize it all, too. How could we not. Even if we try not to. We do. And adoption presents a myriad of challenges, on top of a typical upbringing and adolescent, which itself is no walk in the park. But of course you know all of this. I hope it eases your burden for a moment to hear it said again. We cannot expect them, our sons, to be happy and flourish when they are dealing both with developmental challenges and challenges unique to their own history and [I]the need to work these out. Development is not only a straight line progression. Not for any of us. [/I] In fact, it is not necessarily progressive. It can be a spiral or a backsliding for a while. And then a jump ahead, or not. Our job as parents is to learn to step back and to learn to tolerate their working through their own challenges. This is waaaay hard to do, from my perspective. You will find on this forum an article on detachment which while very helpful, was daunting ( for me, still) and very foreign to me, too. We are glad you are here. Other people will respond and have different viewpoints. Some of which you read will be helpful, not all . There are some people here that believe that the issues and problems our adopted children have are due to their genetic or inherited differences, and that our problems as parents may stem from our expectation that our children be like us, when they are genetically different. While this can be an element, I disagree with this point of view. Many or most parents have expectations of their children--birth or not--that those kids fill or do not But I do not agree that adopted children's issues are due to genetic influences, or differences in the main. But about existential issues--that all of us have--whether we face them or not. But about this, you will have your own beliefs. I want to conclude this way: much of what you write about your son is very, very positive and hopeful. His response to therapy. That he has had jobs. That he has a girlfriend. The fact that there have been no episodes of violence or overt aggression. His involvement in social and recreational activities. I hope you keep posting. It helps a lot. Take care. We are glad you are here. Finally, finally. Do not blame yourself. Try not to. This is part of your son's development. Not because you worked or did not. Or because you did one thing, and not another thing. That is what I think. [/QUOTE]
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