New member, frustrated

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by not_so_silently_suffering, Apr 6, 2010.

  1. Hi, I'm new here. I just found out that my 14 year old son has Conduct Disorder. He lies, steals, has sexually molested his adopted brother at his Dad's house (he lives with Dad), is defiant, doesn't follow rules, all of these things are part of the disorder. He just started taking the drug Abilify in combination with Adderall XR 30mg, as he also had ADHD. When he was here last, he got in trouble for damaging property, taking off, without permission. We had no idea where he was. He took off with my car up the street and promptly brought it back. He just stares at you blankly like he doesn't care when you try to reprimand him for anything. These things happened before I was told he had this disorder. His father never told me he had this issue. I have two little girls in my home, whom I am scared to death he will hurt. Does anyone have any experience with this disorder? Any advice? Is there a positive outcome for kids with this problem. I am really worried for him and for my family.:sad-very:
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are most certainly right to fear for the safety of your two little ones. Your son should not be allowed in your home while your young daughters are there. The big question for me is why is your son still living at home after molesting a sibling? Did his father not report this? If the health professionals, who recently diagnosis'd your son, knew about the abuse your son would be removed from any home with children. Apparently dad didn't tell the health professionals because they are mandatory reporters. In my additional opinion, your son has issues other than adhd and conduct disorder.

    Sorry to be the one to start out your first visit here with some rough stuff, but physical, emotional, or sexual abuse on any family member should never, ever be tolerated. We do have some members whose children have been diagnosis'd with CD and I'm sure they will be along shortly with some support and words of wisdom. I'm very glad you found this site - and you are right to be frustrated.

  3. I agree with you completely. His Dad and SM did not want to report this to the police! Isn't that ridiculous?! The ONLY reason it was even reported was because the SM made the mistake of telling her sister who is a Social Worker, and she reported it. The police did get involved, his dad claims, (not sure I believe that)from what I am being told, and he was sent to mandatory counselling by DCFS here in Illinois. He hasn't molested another person, but he has gotten into trouble for sexually harassing girls in his school. This resulted in a five day suspension. I am really stressed out. I am also angry at his Dad for not telling me about the severity of this situation sooner.
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Here is a link to a very informative pamphlet on ODD and CD:

    You might also want to know that sometimes stimulants like Adderall can make adolescents with mood disorders much worse. So if your son has an undiagnosed mood disorder and took Adderal, the medication could be fueling his defiant, aggressive and sexually inappropriate behavior. It's definitely worth exploring with a good mental health professional like a child/adolescent psychiatrist who has experience with mood disorders.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi t here.

    Is he also adopted?

    I hate to tell you this, but most likely he HAS molested other kids. And he probably molested your kids more than you know. We adopted a child who was doing that for three years and we didn't know it (yes, I feel stupid) until he was finally given to the state (we did this once we found out). He had probably been molested himself in foster care, but he didn't remember and had no remorse about it. He also killed two of our dogs and set little fires (we didn't find out about the little fires until he left). My kids were simply too scared of him to tell us anything until months of therapy after he was gone. His diagnosis when we found everything out and he left was "severe reactive attachment disorder" which is about the same as CD or antisoscial personality disorder only they don't diagnose that in kids. I would NEVEr leave him alone with any of your other kids (and I mean 24/7) and I'd get a buzzer on his door at night so you know when he leaves the room. Better to check on him and be tired then have him meander into the little one's room to do sexual things or to have him torture an animal. We were shocked when we found out the degree of his abuse. He actually forced my kids, at knifepoint, to have sex. I'm just telling you this because kids usually protect their abuser. They are too afraid of him. He threatens to kill them and since he has hurt them so badly already, they believe he will. "If you tell anyone..." Usually kids who molest were also molested.

    There are three big symptoms that point to impending antisocial personality disorder: peeing and pooping inappropriately, fire setting, and cruelty to animals. You may not know if he does all three (like we didn't know about his itty bitty fire play), but it sounds like he could be well on his way. At this point, if it were me, knowing what I now know, I wouldn't want him in the house. in my opinion he belongs in residential treatment. I don't think you are taking this seriously enough and I say that with love because I know we don't want to think our kids are THAT sick. Is there hope? I'm not sure. He would need intensive therapy, but from what I know an antisocial personality is pretty much inborn (and it sounds like he doesn't really have normal emotions toward people...maybe he has this). Certainly he needs to be in some program for young sexual predators. That is where they put the child we adopted. I don't know if it helped or not. I do know that he was inappropriate at least one time there a nd they had cameras even in the bathrooms and he knew it...

    If he has been alone with your girls he most likely already was inappropriate with them, whether or not they are willing to tell you. I'd get the entire family into therapy.

    Good luck! I know how hard this is!
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2010
  6. I tried to respond to this before, but it didn't post. Thank you for all of your information and advice. It's so overwhelming to have a child with CD, ADHD. My son lives with my ex, who lives four hours away. Now that my husband knows what CD is, and what it entails, he's pretty freaked out. He has made it clear he doesn't want my son staying with us. (I completely understand) I feel tremendously guilty because before I knew he had this disorder, I agreed to take my son for the summer. His father will make me feel like a horrible parent for changing my mind. My son has damaged property before and took off without permission before. Having someone else here all the time to help support me would be one thing. However, my husband's job requires him to travel a lot, and I am alone much of the time. I don't know that I can handle him alone. I don't know how to explain my ex that this is not something I think I can do alone. I have a little girl who is 18 months old. We have to worry about her safety, as she lives with me all the time. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and she stays periodically too (she's also four hours away). We can have her here when he is not. I am afraid my ex will give me the "you need to take responsibility" guilt trip.

    I guess the question I have is how to I handle my ex? I am so overwhelmed by this. Any suggestions?

    Just a bit of background on my son. My son is biological, and his dad and I had a horrible marriage. Dad was verbally and mentally abusive. He cheated repeatedly. Our divorce was very traumatic for our son. I got custody. When our son was in kindergarten he was diagnosed with ADHD, so issues at school and home are nothing new. When he turned 10, he was destroying property, making up kidnapping stories to the police, was getting physically violent with me, getting suspended from school for fighting. For the year I had custody, he kept saying he wanted to move to live with his Dad. He kept rebelling, and finally, as a single parent, I couldn't handle things alone anymore. Later down the road, after I remarried, I ended up moving to another State with my husband for a year, due to his job and then we moved back. He's had issues since he was pretty young. I basically was left to handle all of them alone from the time my son was really little, up until my son went to live with his Dad. His father was either unable or unwilling to support me with him long before we divorced. He acted as though going to work each day was his only responsibility. I fought long and hard for our child, and feel so discouraged for him and for us. Now that my ex has custody, he's frustrated, and bitter, and doesn't volunteer any information at all unless it involves some insurance issue, which is usually how I find out our child even has an issue. It really stinks. This is why I didn't know about his CD until 6 months after the fact
  7. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Um, I have experienced these issues, including the father in denial who
    won't assist with providing necessary information regarding difficult child. Father
    also would not believe difficult child was abusing even his siblings. You need to
    protect yourself from the father too.

    Do you communicate or have good relationships with those living near your son?
    Are you in full contact with DCFS? It is very VERY important to do so.
    Is your custody (both legal and physical) arrangement updated with
    addresses and the names of all parties living at both homes? Do you
    know of his juvenile officer? Have you seen the paperwork on
    the molestation from DCFS? Do you have all of his school files (including
    disciplinary/Special Education/temporary and permanent).

    By the way, in my area, I have rarely seen my state actually deal with
    sexual abuse involving minors for any party involved. There is a program
    known as the diversion program for adults, which is solely based upon an
    individual evaluation of the "alleged" (since successful completion of the
    program (usually 52 weeks) means dismissal or lessening of charges).

    If there is a program, outside of the juvenile facility programs, you can bet
    that he was evaluated for it too.

    You have a legal right to be notified of his behavior.

    Can you PM me the county your son lives in and which state you
    reside in?
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am almost positive that if your local child protection agency knew your son had been accused and found guilty of molesting a female sibling, he would not be allowed to reside in your home, even just for the summer, since you have a minor child. I would be highly suspicious that this was actually reported if you don't trust ex.

    Sexually harassing girls at school and molesting a family member are offenses for which he should be placed in a therapeutic environment, not a home were there are other children living - both ex's home and yours.

    It would behoove you to find out more details about this with ex. Don't worry one minute about his guilt trip. Tell him, will all conviction and strength in your voice that you are compelled to protect your daughter and you do not feel it will be safe to have your son in your home, period. If he baulks, let him baulk. The best thing that could happen to your son is treatment, not sweeping his issues under a rug by his dad. What is he going to do, drop your son off in your front yard and speed away?

    I can only imagine how overwhelmed you are. But you have to stay strong for your daughter and show your ex you will not compromise her safety.

    You know, it is sad, but many members here have given everything they have, financially and emotionally, to help their children. But sometimes, it's just not enough. Sometimes our children are damaged beyond help. Sometimes defeat, or I guess it really is acceptance, is the only outcome. You obviously tried your best when your son was in your custody. You did what you could do as his mom. At this point, it really is out of your hands. In no circumstance should you allow your son to be with your daughter. Your son, very probably, has other issues either beyond or instead of CD.

    I am deeply saddened by your situation and cannot imagine how you deal with the knowledge. As you have already heard from another member, this happens. We have other members who are not as active anymore who have had to have one of their children removed from the home due to molestation of a sibling. It is probably the single most devastating situation a parent has to deal with short of the death of a child. Stay strong in your convictions of not allowing your son in your home, but love him all the same. You may be the only one that is capable of recognizing how serious this situation really is. I'm not sure what state you are in, but I'm kinda wondering if you were to speak with someone at your local CPS office, what the chances were that if your son were brought to your home by his father, could immediate residential placement be made? Since you are talking different counties (or is it state), I'm not sure how it works. It might be worth a call on your part.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    The residential facilities for underage sexual predators/offenders is abysmally small. The treatment of children is non existent because of the propensity for the "wait & see" game. Once the child hits the magical age of 18, he can be pulled into the justice system with-o sealed records & the like of a juvenile.

    Hold your ground in keeping your children safe.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi and welcome! I'm sorry you need to be here under these circumstances. I am agreeing with LttleDudesMom on this- I doubt the situation was ever reported and I think you should call and tell CPS what you have been told- that way they can check and see if it actually had been investigated and addressed already and it won't be documented as a second incident if in fact it was investigated, but it should start something going if it hadn't been reported before. I know it's hard to call and report your own child for anything, but I've learned the hard way that this in fact protects your child from his or her own self too. Otherwise, they usually just keep doing more and worse.
  11. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Her difficult child is in the county bordering mine. She has a great
    older professional judge where difficult child lives who is hard on parents
    charged with neglect and listens to families with difficult children.
    "what the chances were that if your son were brought to your home by his father, could
    immediate residential placement be made? Since you are talking different counties
    (or is it state), I'm not sure how it works. It might be worth a call on your part."

    That's where I was going. But I wonder if she should

    • utilize her custody and having a plan beforehand to get placement

    • find another family member to help for a bit as she then can document the
    problems and get difficult child the help he needs
    • let ex deal with all of the problems
    and things might go quicker since the child seems totally out of control
    • take him and then use LE/DCFS to get the information she needs on her son
    as quickly as possible, deal with ex, on her choices with difficult child, and attempt to
    "work" with ex.

    Whatever she chooses to do, she needs a plan, as she proceeds with each agency.
    Because you know that

    1. getting the information is going to make ex mad and
    2. ex seems like he is embarrassed and still "hiding" from the situation.
    3. her child really needs help ASAP
    I also wonder how tight of a custody agreement she has. Was it updated
    to include both of their new addresses? Or at least her new address?
    Does it list who else lives in the home for both the mother and the father.
    Is it recent? Can she make a quick agreement with ex to hold custody
    over the summer, before taking the child?

    I'd also love to know if she has medical, temp & perm & disciplinary
    school records, and contact with any other adult that the father does
    not know, where her son is living.
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010