New Member Have Question please.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Loudad2, May 20, 2013.

  1. Loudad2

    Loudad2 New Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I am new here please forgive me if answer is already posted elsewhere.

    I have a child who is soon to be 20 yrs old. He had been causing problems at home by not wanting to go to college or work more than PT 4-8 hrs a week. The rest of the time he would hermit himself in his room playing video games on the computer or watch TV. He would not help with anything around the house, curse at myself and my wife and he has physically attacked me in the past. I also have a younger son at home as well and he is subjected to all of this. He has ADHD and started to sell his medications for money and we told him all of this has to stop or he has to leave.

    We are residents of Mass., he hopped a train to NY (where he grew up) and is working fast food. He went to social services for assistance and they stated that in NY a parent is financially responsible for a child until the age of 21. They told him that I may have to pay support for him. I never told him to go to NY and I am not a NY state resident and neither is he. Am I financially responsible for him? If so, how is this possible for a resident of another state to be subjected to the standard of law in a state they do not live in? Should I consult an attorney.

    Thank you all in advance.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Loudad2, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your son. We here on this board are all too familiar with adult kids who fail to launch for one reason or another. I am not versed well in the law, however, I have heard of that rule in NY. The fact that you live in Mass. has to have some significance, if you have the funds, perhaps consulting an attorney would be the best bet for you. In the absence of that, you might try calling an attorney who works with Child Protective services in your state, they will likely have that information. You also may find out that your son either misunderstood the "facts" or misrepresented them for his own gain. If you are computer savvy and can dig around, you may be able to find that info online as well.

    I am not clear as to whether your son is living with you or not. If he is and continues to attack you, an option you have is to call the police. Violence is not something you should put up with. You may also need to find out what the eviction rules in your State are, you may have to formally go through the courts in order to evict him from your home, even though he is your son, each state handles that differently. You may also want to look into a restraining order. All of these are options, you are the only one who can decide on the best possible choice.

    Most of us here find that we have to learn how to parent these kids quite differently. We have to learn to set clear unbreakable boundaries with clear unbreakable consequences which we must uphold no matter what. If he cannot live within those boundaries and consequences, then you need to figure out if you want to live with his behavior or you want him to live elsewhere, where he MAY learn to be responsible for his own actions. Or not. Many of these kids couch surf for YEARS doing little but blaming others............and then there are some who learn and move on.

    The bottom line is that you and your wife have to determine exactly what it is you are wiling or not willing to put up with. And, once you are clear on it, take action. Find out what the laws are. Make a plan. You and your wife need to be on the same page too, you must present a united front, or he will manipulate one or both of you and put a chasm into your relationship with your spouse. Many of these kids excel at manipulation.

    It usually becomes necessary for us parents to seek outside help from professionals. Therapy, parent groups, 12 step groups, some place you and your wife can go to get support, ideas, tools, understanding, information, support and answers to your questions. If he has more diagnoses then ADHD, you may also benefit from looking into NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters all over, have very good groups for parents and are easily accessible on line.

    Posting here helps, you can vent, feel understood, get information and support and know your're not alone. I'm glad you found us. If it works for you, put a signature at the bottom of your post as you see we have done. You also may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it's very helpful. I wish you peace on this journey you find yourself on............keep coming back, it helps............
    Last edited: May 20, 2013
  3. Loudad2

    Loudad2 New Member

    Thank you so much for the warm welcome and kind reply.

    My son chose to up and hop a train to NY rather than abide by our simple rules. All we asked of him was to treat us with respect and give an honest effort at school or at the very least a full time job. Occasionally, we would ask for a hand in mowing the lawn or shoveling snow. We cooked him meals, did his laundry, paid for therapy for him, attended therapy with him all to no avail. He just doesn't want to actually do anything. I can't comprehend his mentality. I have worked 50+ hrs a week since his birth and sometimes 2 jobs. I guess it did not rub off on him.

    I need to find out from an attorney if I have to support him since he moved to NY. Here in Mass. the legal age is 18ys old. It looks like he moved to the only state that will enable a person to age 21. God bless America.....
  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Welcome to the board. If you can afford an attorney, I'd consult one. I wouldn't trust what you are being told by your son. Our difficult children tend to manipulate us as much as possible.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is he a drug user? Which of your kids is selling ADHD medication? It's very lucrative. My daughter, when she used drugs, used to steal her brother's stims and sell them and now that s he's sober she told me Adderrall alone went for $10/pill. Most likely whoever is selling the drug is also using drugs.

    Has he ever been diagnosed with anything as a child?

    I don't know the laws of every state. In Wisconsin you don't have to support a child over eighteen.

    Sorry you have to be here, but a big welcome to the board!
  6. Loudad2

    Loudad2 New Member

    As far as I know he does not use. I actually caught him selling to my ex-wife (his mother). She is an addict with assorted mental issues. Thank God I managed to get full legal and physical custody after the divorce. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and Tourettes and one therapist said he may have a bit of Aspbergers as well. I have had full custody since his Mother had left when he was 14yrs old. I have since remarried to a wonderful understanding woman who loves him dearly and wants to help him. Unfortunately her and her new husband moved 30 min away from us to be nearby.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm guessing that if he is selling, he's using. Have you checked his FaceBook, his room, his cell phone? by the way, do you pay for that for him because, since he refuses to work, I wouldn't give him money.

    His lazy behavior is typical of a kid using drugs. Have you thought of drug testing him? Does he see his addict mother? If so, there you go...the perfect place where he can use drugs without any scolding. And if you got custody when he was fourteen, that means he lived with her for a long time before you took him away from her so he's well aware of what she does. Sadly, the genetic propensity to become involved with drugs does count.

    But regardless he is twenty now and there is nothing you can do about what he does or doesn't do or if he sees his mother or not or if he runs off to NY or not, but I doubt you have to support him since you don't live in NY. Like others have said, I'd ask an attorney just to be sure. Then I'd cut off the cash to encourage him to get a job.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Loudad2, here we refer to our 'challenging' kids as difficult child's (Gifts from God) just so you know what we're talking about. Something I am always struck by is the similarities in behavior with our kids................ you have asked your son to do absolutely normal things most parents ask of our kids and done for him, perhaps more then other parents..........and YET, he doesn't want to "do anything"..........he is essentially entitled. Something many of us face in our kids. Whatever the reason, mental illness, personality disorders, substance abuse, it really doesn't matter, the end result is you are absorbing the financial, emotional, physical and mental deficiencies, without any return.

    Your son may have made the process of detachment somewhat easier for you. You don't have to be the one who has to remove him from your home. It's difficult for us to understand their reasoning, most of the time their behavior is completely out of the realm of our ability to comprehend. It is their own world. Detachment is a long process, it has a lot of mine fields, it's unlike any other path I've taken in life, and the most painful too. As soon as you figure out your legal responsibilities continue in your family therapy so you can not only learn to cope with your son's choices, but to actually be happy and find peace. That was my goal, I did not want my life to be about the choices my daughter makes, that would put me in a state of perpetual suffering. Detaching from that has been monumental.............and worth it.

    In the end, I believe the only choice we're left with is to learn to accept what we cannot change. Your son is young yet, he may see the light, some kids do. I hope that happens for you and for him. In the meantime, learn to detach and accept...........there are many things in life we have no control over, when it comes to our kids, that is pretty devastating to really get. You seem as if you are on the right track, thinking in all the logical and thoughtful ways.............keep you and your wife in supportive environments where you get what YOU need. Go have fun. Enjoy your moments. We're here if you need us...........we really know how it all feels..............
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I actually have a little bit of info about this because I knew a woman on here a few years ago who had a similar situation. The big difference was she lived in NY but she had a problem child who wanted to rule the roost too without obeying a single rule.

    The deal with that lovely law is that it is meant for some ungodly reason for parents to help kids through college I think. Its a stupid law. They need to get with the times. If a kid can go to war and fly a million dollar plane, if they can legally enter into contracts and be held responsible for those contracts, then parents should be left out of this situation. Its absurd I agree.

    The way this parent got around the child support rule, and this was told to her by child welfare, was to tell them that she had not kicked her daughter out but that her daughter had left of her own violation because she decided she didnt want to follow some basic rules. Not anything odd like whips and chains but normal rules. Now you are allowed to have your son removed from your home in Mass at 18 so that is legal. The choice that he went to NY was his. You didnt have him leave because he was being to nice. Im sure you have background on him. I dont think you need to worry. I would call ACS I think it is called in NY.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is longas he is welcome to live with you but CHOOSES not to, you are off the hook for support.
  11. Loudad2

    Loudad2 New Member

    It's not just the support. We really want to help him to help himself and be an active useful member of society.

    We have tried every kind of therapist, neurologist, Psychologist, social skills group, life coach etc. Nothing seems to work. It is the same old story my difficult child would make promises and we would have a good week or 2 then back to the same old same old. Stall, delay, tell us what we want to hear and more promises.

    It just feels hopeless. We now realize that we can't fix him, he has to want to do it on his own.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's way harder to help them at this age... and it sounds like there isn't a solid diagnosis or list of dxes that are a play here. Any number of potential dxes could be at work - and often, what would be a good approach for one diagnosis, works against a different diagnosis. And some kids do have dxes that work against each other.

    If biomom pulled out when he was 14... what were his early years like? Chaotic? neglected? bounced around? or really stable? Any chance biomom used drugs or alcohol when she was expecting him? What kinds of dxes run on both sides of the family? (lots of problems "run in families", including Aspie/Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD))
  13. Siobhan Harper

    Siobhan Harper New Member

    You are right. You can't fix him. Accepting that, all the way down to your soul, is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But if you have begun to know it, you are on the right path. Good luck.
  14. Loudad2

    Loudad2 New Member

    If biomom pulled out when he was 14... what were his early years like? Chaotic? neglected? bounced around? or really stable? Any chance biomom used drugs or alcohol when she was expecting him? What kinds of dxes run on both sides of the family? (lots of problems "run in families", including Aspie/Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD))

    Yes, he was neglected by his biomom. It was chaotic, violent at times and she did use drugs and alcohol. It all changed when she left. My home has been peaceful and loving then I have remarried and it has become even more so.

    It hurts and puzzles me as to why he keeps pining for his mothers love even after she treated him the way she did. The damage has been done and I'm afraid it will take many years to be undone. I worry that this may be effecting his ability to have genuine relationships with people. He has been very cold and indifferent to his girlfriend and the ones before her.

    This is a serious issue as it will only lead to a future of bad relationships,marriage and family issues. I pray he can get the help he needs and break the cycle to live a happy, productive and fufilling life.