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<blockquote data-quote="P126 Mum" data-source="post: 666865" data-attributes="member: 19526"><p>Wow, I only posted last night such lovely replies from you all, thank you so much.</p><p></p><p>To give a clearer picture without too much rambling.</p><p>Got married and had first child. Notice husband was always delayed, went to shop longest queue ever, train delayed, just missed it had to wait, went bank - customer service advisor useless had to wait to see manager. Check details of story with him and he would storm out, get angry, turn on me to shift the focus etc. he was gambling. I was not working he was sole earner and in charge. My parents not wealthy, but would give the shirt from their back, paid for car maintenance, and other bills to help us out. Second child born. Gave limited help with housework. Never do any thing without me asking nicely and explaining why I needed help. Would half do things,vacuum downstairs do upstairs tomorrow then have an excuse not to the next day, same with cutting grass. Ask for help when bathing the children, if one got upset or had a tantrum he needed to pop to the loo downstairs, come back when all is calm. As they got older he spent less time with us due to delays!! Never ever took the children anywhere on his own as it may be hard work.</p><p>Roll on a few years, I have shut down and hate him. The deceit the lies and dirt and smell of him. Embarrassed to be seen with him, always scruffy. Tell him his shirt is sticking out, shoe lace undone he would immediately get annoyed. Once we were going to a school meeting and his trousers were not zipped up. I highlighted it to him, a normal reaction from anyone would be to quickly check. His normal reaction was to grit his teeth and tell me to shut up. He twists tissues and stuffs them up his nose to clean it and they are always dropped on the floor. Point this out to him and ask him not to drop them and he grits teeth saying they're not mine, when you see them why don't you pick them up. When he wakes he has this enormous cough and throat clearing session, which makes me feel sick. He goes to the toilet to spit and leaves slim spattered on to the taps in the sink and the side of the sink. </p><p>Wears the same clothes for days . I stopped doing his washing a few years ago when I kept protesting that I had just washed and hung clothes only to see them dropped on floor and walked on. He appears to want to look like and unkempt tramp to in some weird way gain pity from whom I'm not sure. He tells me I need to see a doctor!. He works full time but also does regular cash in hand driving job. Never gives any money and has obviously now got a huge stash of money hidden ( this has been happening now for almost 10 yrs) good thing is he is out of the house all week end and comes home at 4 am. Sleeps on sofa despite there being a spare room but likes to look like a victim on the sofa in front of our children.Always says he is broke and has debts to pay etc. ask what debts, how did this happen show me the letters. Storms out bangs doors same old routine. I work 30 hours a week, salary paid to joint account which also has his salary from day job. Pays bills little left for life. </p><p>So now you can see a picture that my children have grown up in.</p><p>As he spent so much time out of the house it was better for them. I managed to get them through school, arrange for friends over, any activity they wanted I took them to, party's, parks, bike rides, dancing, drama I covered all their physical and emotional needs as best I could while I sacrificed any life for myself as they were my reason for being.</p><p>I had no job at the time. If I could have lined up a house I would have fled in the night, but it was not possible so I made the decision to make it the best I could for the children. I would like to add I never went out, don't drink, don't smoke, no scandal.</p><p>So now my daughter follows her fathers example and knits words and sentences together that he has spoken for years. I sometimes thinks she resents my weakness. We spoke once and I told her why I stayed. She told me it was horrible growing up in the atmosphere and I should have left. That really hurt as I thought I had protected them from so much when they were litte. She refuses to consider his working and stashing of cash and believes him when he says he works so hard to pay our bills. She trashes the house worse than he ever did. Her clothes are in piles on the floor. Kitchen cupboards and drawers left wide open after use. Both seem to to this as deliberate attempts to provoke. She is going to university so we will give her living expenses. And I can't wait for her to go. I understand people thinking I should Go, get out. I have been to solicitor twice to check details of divorce. It takes all my strength to live this life. If I serve papers I have at least 1-2 Years of hell. As I would ask for banks to be searched and his money traced. I think with that going on I would seriously have a heart attack from the extra stress. If I could move out while all this took place it would be great. But money from the sale of house would take ages and still once divided would not give me anywhere near enough to find another place due to property prices and my age to get additional funds. My children resenting me further. My son is now moody, copying sisters actions, giving me back chat and being messy as it is much easier to be with the crowd. My strongest desire is to take him away from it all before the posoin reaches his bones. Also he had a terrible time being bullied at school suffered panic attaks and had treatment, so he really likes to be accepted. Hence join them. The stumbling block to this is lack of money. If I could afford somewhere in my own right, I would be there in a flash. I have distanced myself from people so many times. People ask normal questions, where is your husband, is he coming is he still working long hours, are you going on holiday, we must all try and meet up. The pain of this snap shot of normal life is too much for me And I slip away. I don't want to unveil my life to people I don't know well. I would feel judged and pitied. I have learnt to be very deflective and can steer the conversation when I sense it coming to close for comfort. I had 2 close friends who knew my position well. However I found that when I told them the latest episode their reactions was first pity and then constant questions well,what you going to do , I couldn't stand that, I'd kill him, I'd tell him, I would take that,no way. That made me feel absolutely terrible, useless and dumb.I have distanced myself from them too, I felt they only wanted to know the details of the latest tale as if it were a live TV drama unfolding and it was more of interest rather than care. I love going to work. No one knows anything about my life and it is the only place I am myself. If I had the way out , a place to go to it would.be over. As I said before there is no way out, no where I can stay and that is why I have handed it to God. I can't do it alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="P126 Mum, post: 666865, member: 19526"] Wow, I only posted last night such lovely replies from you all, thank you so much. To give a clearer picture without too much rambling. Got married and had first child. Notice husband was always delayed, went to shop longest queue ever, train delayed, just missed it had to wait, went bank - customer service advisor useless had to wait to see manager. Check details of story with him and he would storm out, get angry, turn on me to shift the focus etc. he was gambling. I was not working he was sole earner and in charge. My parents not wealthy, but would give the shirt from their back, paid for car maintenance, and other bills to help us out. Second child born. Gave limited help with housework. Never do any thing without me asking nicely and explaining why I needed help. Would half do things,vacuum downstairs do upstairs tomorrow then have an excuse not to the next day, same with cutting grass. Ask for help when bathing the children, if one got upset or had a tantrum he needed to pop to the loo downstairs, come back when all is calm. As they got older he spent less time with us due to delays!! Never ever took the children anywhere on his own as it may be hard work. Roll on a few years, I have shut down and hate him. The deceit the lies and dirt and smell of him. Embarrassed to be seen with him, always scruffy. Tell him his shirt is sticking out, shoe lace undone he would immediately get annoyed. Once we were going to a school meeting and his trousers were not zipped up. I highlighted it to him, a normal reaction from anyone would be to quickly check. His normal reaction was to grit his teeth and tell me to shut up. He twists tissues and stuffs them up his nose to clean it and they are always dropped on the floor. Point this out to him and ask him not to drop them and he grits teeth saying they're not mine, when you see them why don't you pick them up. When he wakes he has this enormous cough and throat clearing session, which makes me feel sick. He goes to the toilet to spit and leaves slim spattered on to the taps in the sink and the side of the sink. Wears the same clothes for days . I stopped doing his washing a few years ago when I kept protesting that I had just washed and hung clothes only to see them dropped on floor and walked on. He appears to want to look like and unkempt tramp to in some weird way gain pity from whom I'm not sure. He tells me I need to see a doctor!. He works full time but also does regular cash in hand driving job. Never gives any money and has obviously now got a huge stash of money hidden ( this has been happening now for almost 10 yrs) good thing is he is out of the house all week end and comes home at 4 am. Sleeps on sofa despite there being a spare room but likes to look like a victim on the sofa in front of our children.Always says he is broke and has debts to pay etc. ask what debts, how did this happen show me the letters. Storms out bangs doors same old routine. I work 30 hours a week, salary paid to joint account which also has his salary from day job. Pays bills little left for life. So now you can see a picture that my children have grown up in. As he spent so much time out of the house it was better for them. I managed to get them through school, arrange for friends over, any activity they wanted I took them to, party's, parks, bike rides, dancing, drama I covered all their physical and emotional needs as best I could while I sacrificed any life for myself as they were my reason for being. I had no job at the time. If I could have lined up a house I would have fled in the night, but it was not possible so I made the decision to make it the best I could for the children. I would like to add I never went out, don't drink, don't smoke, no scandal. So now my daughter follows her fathers example and knits words and sentences together that he has spoken for years. I sometimes thinks she resents my weakness. We spoke once and I told her why I stayed. She told me it was horrible growing up in the atmosphere and I should have left. That really hurt as I thought I had protected them from so much when they were litte. She refuses to consider his working and stashing of cash and believes him when he says he works so hard to pay our bills. She trashes the house worse than he ever did. Her clothes are in piles on the floor. Kitchen cupboards and drawers left wide open after use. Both seem to to this as deliberate attempts to provoke. She is going to university so we will give her living expenses. And I can't wait for her to go. I understand people thinking I should Go, get out. I have been to solicitor twice to check details of divorce. It takes all my strength to live this life. If I serve papers I have at least 1-2 Years of hell. As I would ask for banks to be searched and his money traced. I think with that going on I would seriously have a heart attack from the extra stress. If I could move out while all this took place it would be great. But money from the sale of house would take ages and still once divided would not give me anywhere near enough to find another place due to property prices and my age to get additional funds. My children resenting me further. My son is now moody, copying sisters actions, giving me back chat and being messy as it is much easier to be with the crowd. My strongest desire is to take him away from it all before the posoin reaches his bones. Also he had a terrible time being bullied at school suffered panic attaks and had treatment, so he really likes to be accepted. Hence join them. The stumbling block to this is lack of money. If I could afford somewhere in my own right, I would be there in a flash. I have distanced myself from people so many times. People ask normal questions, where is your husband, is he coming is he still working long hours, are you going on holiday, we must all try and meet up. The pain of this snap shot of normal life is too much for me And I slip away. I don't want to unveil my life to people I don't know well. I would feel judged and pitied. I have learnt to be very deflective and can steer the conversation when I sense it coming to close for comfort. I had 2 close friends who knew my position well. However I found that when I told them the latest episode their reactions was first pity and then constant questions well,what you going to do , I couldn't stand that, I'd kill him, I'd tell him, I would take that,no way. That made me feel absolutely terrible, useless and dumb.I have distanced myself from them too, I felt they only wanted to know the details of the latest tale as if it were a live TV drama unfolding and it was more of interest rather than care. I love going to work. No one knows anything about my life and it is the only place I am myself. If I had the way out , a place to go to it would.be over. As I said before there is no way out, no where I can stay and that is why I have handed it to God. I can't do it alone. [/QUOTE]
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