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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 681501" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Dufster 45, welcome to the forum. I moved your post to your own thread so more people can see it and respond.</p><p></p><p>First, I'm so sorry about your daughters' estrangement, and your pain. I can only imagine how painful that is. </p><p></p><p>I had a taste of it, just a small taste, when my older son refused to have my younger son in his wedding this past August. It felt like a knife was repeatedly being thrust into me, over and over, during the conversations I had with my older son about it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My sons are 3.5 years apart. Maybe there is something to this, the number of years apart? Who knows.</p><p></p><p>In your post, it sounds like your younger daughter is a "take no prisoners" type of person. Once she's mad, she's mad forever. Is that the case? </p><p></p><p>There are black and white thinkers in the world, and they see the world through that lens. Things are right or they are wrong. No gray areas. </p><p></p><p>You and I, we have learned, the hard way, about the gray areas. Life is full of so many grays, so many struggles, so much imperfection, and we all need to have grace and mercy and compassion, first for ourselves and then for each other.</p><p></p><p>But many people can't, or won't, have that view. I think being black and white often is more comfortable and easier because you can just decide...and that's it. You don't have to live in the land of uncertainty, which consumes a lot of time and energy.</p><p></p><p>I want to say that is wonderful that you have been sober for 20 years---what a gift I'm sure that has been for your life. I'm sorry your younger daughter didn't celebrate that journey with you, and I know it's a daily journey. </p><p></p><p>What can you do about this estrangement? I think nothing. As you grieve it---and you must grieve it---can you work to let go of it, to stand back from it all, and let it be? We can't fix other people. We can't make other people do things, like talk to us, talk to each other, get along, see things they don't see, act the way we wish they would.</p><p></p><p>As adults, they have a right and a choice. And as adults, we have to accept that choice, eventually.</p><p></p><p>Right now, my younger brother, who is 51, is increasingly a very isolated human being who communicates almost not at all with me, or anyone else really, except with my parents, who he lives with. He is an alcoholic (my term, not his) and his drinking has increased exponentially. I know he is very sick, and I love him very much, but I can't make him communicate with me, make friends, get help or anything else. He works, and he goes home, and he helps my parents, and he drinks. That is his life, and it is painful for me, to see how real life, wonderful life is passing him by, but...that's his choice. Our relationship has a very active third party in it---and that is his alcoholism. That trumps me, and other people, every single time.</p><p>It's sad, and it's a waste, but it is. It is reality. </p><p></p><p>My two sons---one a easy child and one a Difficult Child (and the reason I came here)---have an okay relationship. My older son, the easy child, said he didn't want his brother in his wedding because they aren't close. It was very hard for me to hear that, and I believe my older son sometimes "takes a stand" and that's it, sometimes is a black and white thinker, and it hurts me, but in the end I had to accept it, put a smile on my face, go to the wedding and just be grateful for the small blessings. I can't fix their relationship or make them closer than they are. I wish I could. </p><p></p><p>Having said all of that, it hurts. The pain is real. Feel your feelings and cry and grieve this. You have a right to do that. And then, as you do, work to let go. Let them have their relationship, or lack thereof. You can have a good relationship with both of them, invite them to family events...and it's...their choice...whether or not they come. We know they are losing out when they don't, but again, their choice, their loss.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you as you traverse this path. We know how hard this type of thing is. Please keep posting. We care. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 681501, member: 17542"] Hi Dufster 45, welcome to the forum. I moved your post to your own thread so more people can see it and respond. First, I'm so sorry about your daughters' estrangement, and your pain. I can only imagine how painful that is. I had a taste of it, just a small taste, when my older son refused to have my younger son in his wedding this past August. It felt like a knife was repeatedly being thrust into me, over and over, during the conversations I had with my older son about it. My sons are 3.5 years apart. Maybe there is something to this, the number of years apart? Who knows. In your post, it sounds like your younger daughter is a "take no prisoners" type of person. Once she's mad, she's mad forever. Is that the case? There are black and white thinkers in the world, and they see the world through that lens. Things are right or they are wrong. No gray areas. You and I, we have learned, the hard way, about the gray areas. Life is full of so many grays, so many struggles, so much imperfection, and we all need to have grace and mercy and compassion, first for ourselves and then for each other. But many people can't, or won't, have that view. I think being black and white often is more comfortable and easier because you can just decide...and that's it. You don't have to live in the land of uncertainty, which consumes a lot of time and energy. I want to say that is wonderful that you have been sober for 20 years---what a gift I'm sure that has been for your life. I'm sorry your younger daughter didn't celebrate that journey with you, and I know it's a daily journey. What can you do about this estrangement? I think nothing. As you grieve it---and you must grieve it---can you work to let go of it, to stand back from it all, and let it be? We can't fix other people. We can't make other people do things, like talk to us, talk to each other, get along, see things they don't see, act the way we wish they would. As adults, they have a right and a choice. And as adults, we have to accept that choice, eventually. Right now, my younger brother, who is 51, is increasingly a very isolated human being who communicates almost not at all with me, or anyone else really, except with my parents, who he lives with. He is an alcoholic (my term, not his) and his drinking has increased exponentially. I know he is very sick, and I love him very much, but I can't make him communicate with me, make friends, get help or anything else. He works, and he goes home, and he helps my parents, and he drinks. That is his life, and it is painful for me, to see how real life, wonderful life is passing him by, but...that's his choice. Our relationship has a very active third party in it---and that is his alcoholism. That trumps me, and other people, every single time. It's sad, and it's a waste, but it is. It is reality. My two sons---one a easy child and one a Difficult Child (and the reason I came here)---have an okay relationship. My older son, the easy child, said he didn't want his brother in his wedding because they aren't close. It was very hard for me to hear that, and I believe my older son sometimes "takes a stand" and that's it, sometimes is a black and white thinker, and it hurts me, but in the end I had to accept it, put a smile on my face, go to the wedding and just be grateful for the small blessings. I can't fix their relationship or make them closer than they are. I wish I could. Having said all of that, it hurts. The pain is real. Feel your feelings and cry and grieve this. You have a right to do that. And then, as you do, work to let go. Let them have their relationship, or lack thereof. You can have a good relationship with both of them, invite them to family events...and it's...their choice...whether or not they come. We know they are losing out when they don't, but again, their choice, their loss. We're here for you as you traverse this path. We know how hard this type of thing is. Please keep posting. We care. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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