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Parent Emeritus
New member looking for support and advice about difficult realtionship with her daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 676777" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi [USER=19952]@July[/USER] and welcome to the forum. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds like you have given and given and given trying to have a good relationship with your daughter. Truly and unfortunately, as others have said, if she is using substances there is no way you can have any kind of a real relationship with her because her #1 is the substance and she will run over anybody and anything who tries to stop her from getting those substances. </p><p></p><p>I know it is really really hard to stop doing what you are used to doing, even if it doesn't work, and try something new. And it is even harder when you change but the other person doesn't and even gets worse. </p><p></p><p>But you are in a completely no-win situation. What you are doing isn't resulting in a good relationship with your daughter. You have given everything.</p><p></p><p>She has all the power and that isn't good in any relationship. It won't work. </p><p></p><p>I would recommend you start learning about heathy boundaries. The first book I ever read about this was Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. It is a great book. I also read Codependent No More shortly after that (Melody Beattie). It also opened my eyes. I realized that's many of my relationships had very unhealthy boundaries and I needed to change. That change has been hard but today I am happier than I have ever been. I don't take on the problems of others (most of the time lol) and I work hard to accept people as they are.</p><p></p><p>One of my hard and fast rules is also that my home is my sanctuary. And we teach people how to treat us. </p><p></p><p>If you can start changing she will have to change. </p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here. You will hear Iots of ideas and options and encouragement. We are a soft place to land. Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 676777, member: 17542"] Hi [USER=19952]@July[/USER] and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your situation. It sounds like you have given and given and given trying to have a good relationship with your daughter. Truly and unfortunately, as others have said, if she is using substances there is no way you can have any kind of a real relationship with her because her #1 is the substance and she will run over anybody and anything who tries to stop her from getting those substances. I know it is really really hard to stop doing what you are used to doing, even if it doesn't work, and try something new. And it is even harder when you change but the other person doesn't and even gets worse. But you are in a completely no-win situation. What you are doing isn't resulting in a good relationship with your daughter. You have given everything. She has all the power and that isn't good in any relationship. It won't work. I would recommend you start learning about heathy boundaries. The first book I ever read about this was Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. It is a great book. I also read Codependent No More shortly after that (Melody Beattie). It also opened my eyes. I realized that's many of my relationships had very unhealthy boundaries and I needed to change. That change has been hard but today I am happier than I have ever been. I don't take on the problems of others (most of the time lol) and I work hard to accept people as they are. One of my hard and fast rules is also that my home is my sanctuary. And we teach people how to treat us. If you can start changing she will have to change. We are glad you are here. You will hear Iots of ideas and options and encouragement. We are a soft place to land. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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New member looking for support and advice about difficult realtionship with her daughter
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