New Member......Need Help

[RN0441]

That sounds very good.

I'm so happy that you and husband are getting to be on the same page. This takes time and everyone has to work through it in their own way.

Its sounds like you are moving in the right direction! Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[Copabanana]

Great news.

I will be blunt here. Has the possibility of a CPS report been brought up? Which is to say, can it be assumed that stepson has not crossed more lines? Or is the best course, keeping daughter safe and separate, and letting things unfold?

The thing is this. Why should stepson be home in his house and daughter out?

I am not advocating he be punished. Just that she not be. Could it not be felt that she is the identified patient and the responsible party if she is the one experiencing the consequences?

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Thanks for the update Sumsky. Sounds like you are in control and ready for whatever may happen. Keep us posted!

 

[Sumsky]

Great news.

I will be blunt here. Has the possibility of a CPS report been brought up? Which is to say, can it be assumed that stepson has not crossed more lines? Or is the best course, keeping daughter safe and separate, and letting things unfold?

The thing is this. Why should stepson be home in his house and daughter out?

I am not advocating he be punished. Just that she not be. Could it not be felt that she is the identified patient and the responsible party if she is the one experiencing the consequences?

I agree 100%. This is a very temporary situation. I agree that my daughter as the victim has had more put on her to even feel safe than SS has had as the perpetrator. And that is definitely NOT fair to her. I am allowing the psychologist to get back to us with the recommendations he has for us and allowing my husband to make the right decision. If he doesn’t then I will make the decision for him and involve CPS. It is a matter of a few days. The CPS in our county had some very serious and major issues about 2 years ago and there were alot of terminated employees and some lawsuits filed. I do not want to involve them if I can do it within my family.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

From what I understand the ONE thing that CPS will take very seriously, almost universally, is sexual abuse. So I think one way or the other things will be changing for your daughter's betterment very soon. The only concern is that your husband's family controls this agency in town as they do so many other places, and will find a way to make the report 'go away.' In any case it sounds like you are prepared and will take the steps necessary. I hope along with you, that your marriage and family can be saved through this crisis.

Given that your great grandparents in law sound like they are malignant narcissists it is unlikely at best they will heed your husband's warning to back off, if anything they may ramp up further, I would be prepared for that as well and hopefully husband will be on the same page. It may mean having to relocate out of town if great grandparents paint H black and ruin his career there.

You are doing great!!!

 

[BusynMember]

My opinion, having lived through it is that SS should never live with your daughter again. Has your daughter had a medical exam? Without one you don't know how far he went. At any rate wether she shows it of not this is a huge trauma for her. She needs her own therapy...this is important...so that she can talk freely with no other adults from the family around or she will miss mi imize it. Trust me, she knows some are more concerned about him than her. She needs privacy and lots of help to talk about it without someone in SS corner being there. She knows her stepfather is not reacting normally do this. If this were his own daughter, if if would be way different. He is severely under reaction g, nothing like my husband's reaction at all. All husband could think about was his babies and he was afraid to be near the boy who hurt them until the boy was removed that day. He said he felt like strangling him.

I would go to all your therapists, for family and daughter, in another town not influenced by the family name. If you don't focus on daughter,her life may be ruined forever because of five years of some sort of sexual abuse. Don't mind miinimize it for SS. Not for husband either.

 

[Sumsky]

From what I understand the ONE thing that CPS will take very seriously, almost universally, is sexual abuse. So I think one way or the other things will be changing for your daughter's betterment very soon. The only concern is that your husband's family controls this agency in town as they do so many other places, and will find a way to make the report 'go away.' In any case it sounds like you are prepared and will take the steps necessary. I hope along with you, that your marriage and family can be saved through this crisis.

Given that your great grandparents in law sound like they are malignant narcissists it is unlikely at best they will heed your husband's warning to back off, if anything they may ramp up further, I would be prepared for that as well and hopefully husband will be on the same page. It may mean having to relocate out of town if great grandparents paint H black and ruin his career there.

You are doing great!!!

Thank you! I know we are no where near out of the woods yet. But I actually feel like I can breath for the first time in weeks. Not that I am letting my guard down but that I feel like I have a plan in place and the resolve to follow through. And I see some little rays of sunlight.

 

[Copabanana]

It sounds like you have located your core strength and you know without a doubt where you stand and where this has to go and what needs to happen.

 

[Sumsky]

From what I understand the ONE thing that CPS will take very seriously, almost universally, is sexual abuse. So I think one way or the other things will be changing for your daughter's betterment very soon. The only concern is that your husband's family controls this agency in town as they do so many other places, and will find a way to make the report 'go away.' In any case it sounds like you are prepared and will take the steps necessary. I hope along with you, that your marriage and family can be saved through this crisis.

Given that your great grandparents in law sound like they are malignant narcissists it is unlikely at best they will heed your husband's warning to back off, if anything they may ramp up further, I would be prepared for that as well and hopefully husband will be on the same page. It may mean having to relocate out of town if great grandparents paint H black and ruin his career there.

You are doing great!!!

Thank you for the continued support!! It is a roller coaster ride for sure.

 

[Sumsky]

My opinion, having lived through it is that SS should never live with your daughter again. Has your daughter had a medical exam? Without one you don't know how far he went. At any rate wether she shows it of not this is a huge trauma for her. She needs her own therapy...this is important...so that she can talk freely with no other adults from the family around or she will miss mi imize it. Trust me, she knows some are more concerned about him than her. She needs privacy and lots of help to talk about it without someone in SS corner being there. She knows her stepfather is not reacting normally do this. If this were his own daughter, if if would be way different. He is severely under reaction g, nothing like my husband's reaction at all. All husband could think about was his babies and he was afraid to be near the boy who hurt them until the boy was removed that day. He said he felt like strangling him.

I would go to all your therapists, for family and daughter, in another town not influenced by the family name. If you don't focus on daughter,her life may be ruined forever because of five years of some sort of sexual abuse. Don't mind miinimize it for SS. Not for husband either.

My daughter has a counselor at a separate location from SS. She has not had a exam. Her counselor and I both agree that we are not going to do that at this point. We both feel that would be difficult for her right now. She has told us both that he has never touched her inappropriately. I realize that may change down the road. It may take her time to tell us if he has. But I will NOT force that on her until she is ready to open up. She does need time whether he physically touched her or not. This has NOT been going on for 5 years. It am reasonably sure it hasn’t been longer than 6 months. And that is too long!

 

[Copabanana]

This makes sense Sum.

I think it could be said there is danger to overreact as much as under react. She knows you are protecting her. This will be an ongoing conversation.

By letting her call the shots you empower her and protect her boundaries. By storming her without evidence you could be helping to create the result you do not want.

You have a plan in place to protect her. You are open to the possibility there was more. You will watch and listen. You will ensure she is safe in her home. And push for stepson to receive the treatment he requires and that his conduct be taken seriously.

 

[BusynMember]

We had no choice. CPS and the county were wanting to know how far this boy went and since he was six years older, they wanted to press charhed. They insisted. It was not our idea or choice. The kind sexual abuse pediatrician didn't hurt her...I was there...and at least we knew the grim truth.

My kids did not tell all to anyone for about six months after the child was gone and on a sort of child jail/residentialial treatment center. It was her therapist she told as well as my son talking about it later. It was gradual. The therapy was very helpful...both children are healthy, well adjusted adults. The therapy helped push us all even closer together...we are a very tight foursome.

I am relieved that your daughter has someone she can talk to about this. That is so important. It will probably take time for her to talk if something more happened. Kids feel like abuse is their fault and feel guilty, especially if it is a family member. This much we learned and were told by professionals. It does take time.

I also must apologize for my own error. I am confusing your stepson with another teen who abused his younger sister for

At any rate I still feel that stepson needs to live in a different place...you can not take a chance. He was very eerily inappropriate both video taping showers and exposing himself at school. These ate not normal things. But You are doing very well. Just don't let the hub and in laws make you doubt your concern for your daughter vs. step son.

If CPS steps in things will probably get worse for SS. If not for his family power, he would have been reported already and CPS is very stern about sexual isues. I don't believe the name will affect CPS. They are powerful.

Nobody wants to punish SS. They want to give him treatment and hopefullt turn this around for him andand m sure the victims are safe and sound. And that sometimes means somebody is removed from the home. But so far CPS is not an issue....

Love and hugs to your family. Keep us updated!!

 

[Sumsky]

We had no choice. CPS and the county were wanting to know how far this boy went and since he was six years older, they wanted to press charhed. They insisted. It was not our idea or choice. The kind sexual abuse pediatrician didn't hurt her...I was there...and at least we knew the grim truth.

My kids did not tell all to anyone for about six months after the child was gone and on a sort of child jail/residentialial treatment center. It was her therapist she told as well as my son talking about it later. It was gradual. The therapy was very helpful...both children are healthy, well adjusted adults. The therapy helped push us all even closer together...we are a very tight foursome.

I am relieved that your daughter has someone she can talk to about this. That is so important. It will probably take time for her to talk if something more happened. Kids feel like abuse is their fault and feel guilty, especially if it is a family member. This much we learned and were told by professionals. It does take time.

I also must apologize for my own error. I am confusing your stepson with another teen who abused his younger sister for

At any rate I still feel that stepson needs to live in a different place...you can not take a chance. He was very eerily inappropriate both video taping showers and exposing himself at school. These ate not normal things. But You are doing very well. Just don't let the hub and in laws make you doubt your concern for your daughter vs. step son.

If CPS steps in things will probably get worse for SS. If not for his family power, he would have been reported already and CPS is very stern about sexual isues. I don't believe the name will affect CPS. They are powerful.

Nobody wants to punish SS. They want to give him treatment and hopefullt turn this around for him andand m sure the victims are safe and sound. And that sometimes means somebody is removed from the home. But so far CPS is not an issue....

Love and hugs to your family. Keep us updated!!

I agree that SS needs intensive treatment and that he needs out of our home. The residential treatment his pyschologist talked about is approximately 1 year give or take depending on his progress then a type of halfway house for a few months. At that point SS will be 18. I agree that I will never again be comfortable or allow my daughter around him. I feel that I have a good solid plan in place and that my daughter is protected. CPS is my last resort and I will only do that if my husband refuses the residential treatment. My in laws have a lot of influence in certain areas.... I’m not concerned that they could sway CPS. As far as the exam, I’m not worried about her being physically hurt. She is 12 almost 13. She will know why she is having the exam. Her counselor and I don’t want her to feel we are not believing her (she has told us nothing physically has happened) and forcing her to potentially have to face something she is not ready to face. And that is something CPS will force on her. I realize that CPS will fully investigate. But again I feel that forcing too much too soon on my daughter is not the best choice for her. Her counselor said that if the worst did happen, it could take her months or a year or more to be ready to talk about it. She has gone through enough already with just what I know. I will not force more on her. She needs to be able to set the pace for that. One way or another she will not have to face him again. Whether that is SS is removed from our home or my husband and I divorce.

 

[RN0441]

Good luck.

You need to do what you know is best and feel comfortable with!

 

[Copabanana]

How are things S? Thinking of you.

 

[Sumsky]

Thank you!! It’s been a very trying week. We have another appointment for SS tomorrow to start another assessment. SS psychologist won’t refer him for residential because he doesn’t feel he needs it. (Husbands father and stepmother are actually agreeing with residential). SS psychologist pretty much told me that I was making too big of deal out of this situation and I needed to stop because it was causing SS to show signs of depression and anxiety. And if i didn’t stop pushing for answers it would send him into a deep depression. Then turned around and couldn’t answer any of our questions regarding the real issue we are there for because he’s not an expert in that area. Psychologist also called my daughters counselor to discuss the situation with her and ‘they’ came to the conclusion that there are ‘no signs’ that SS is a predator. Turns out SS psychologist is daughters counselors mentor. So looking for new counselor for my daughter. She has been doing great. Been making arrangements for Her to be able to come home several days a week and SS leave. She actually told me she likes doing this. She is the youngest grandchild and has always loved spending time with my parents. I Have an appointment with an attorney Monday to see what my options are to be the one remaining in the house. And what my best approach is with everything. Whether it’s forcing SS into treatment, pressing charges, dealing with CYS, etc. this has been very hard.... but other than counseling appts I refuse to do anything for SS or husband. SS wants it to be him and dad only, he can have it!!! One other thing.... husband and I were getting close to the same page and he was prepared to start the papers for residential treatment until Tuesday’s appointment. now with psychologist telling me that I’m making too much out of it and causing SS anxiety, husband and I are back to square one and on totally different pages again.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Sumsky.

What a mess.

I will tell you what my first thoughts are. And they are contradictory.

I think I might talk to people close to me, who are neutral with respect to stepson but who support you and daughter. Like your parents. Or a pastor. Or best friend. Or if you have a therapist.

The elephant in the living room is your husband. Because it is so difficult for him. Like a right hand and foot. Each child.

If after speaking to those close to you, you still feel your daughter is at risk, I might talk to husband about a cps report. Or perhaps there is a private social worker who could do a risk assessment. This person would be mandated to report if they believed there was risk, as well.

Because who here besides you is considering the risks to daughter?

I am actually kind of surprised the psychologist did not report himself the incident.

You are really left holding the bag here. I understand the position of the psychologist. But there is the major fact that SS and daughter do reside together. He is acting as if ss's welfare is the only consideration. And it may be, to him. But it cannot be to you.

Perhaps your husband might be more proactive if he knew what was at stake: his family. I do not know how you finesse this.

This is a difficult situation.

I am glad daughter feels she is getting a win out of this. Has she expressed anything about what she needs to happen?

 

[Sumsky]

Hi Sumsky.

What a mess.

I will tell you what my first thoughts are. And they are contradictory.

I think I might talk to people close to me, who are neutral with respect to stepson but who support you and daughter. Like your parents. Or a pastor. Or best friend. Or if you have a therapist.

The elephant in the living room is your husband. Because it is so difficult for him. Like a right hand and foot. Each child.

If after speaking to those close to you, you still feel your daughter is at risk, I might talk to husband about a cps report. Or perhaps there is a private social worker who could do a risk assessment. This person would be mandated to report if they believed there was risk, as well.

Because who here besides you is considering the risks to daughter?

I am actually kind of surprised the psychologist did not report himself the incident.

You are really left holding the bag here. I understand the position of the psychologist. But there is the major fact that SS and daughter do reside together. He is acting as if ss's welfare is the only consideration. And it may be, to him. But it cannot be to you.

Perhaps your husband might be more proactive if he knew what was at stake: his family. I do not know how you finesse this.

This is a difficult situation.

I am glad daughter feels she is getting a win out of this. Has she expressed anything about what she needs to happen?

I have talked to all grandparents (there are 5 of them) and a close friend... all but one grandparent feels that he needs residential treatment to deal with ALL his issues.my best friend feels the same. So out of 8 of us, 6 feel the same. My daughter wants to come home but will not come home as long as SS is in the House. And I agree!! I need some answers from the attorney on Monday and I’ll be make my next move based on that. My daughter and I have been living between 2 households now and it’s not good for anyone even though she seems to like the extra time with grandparents. My oldest is 17 and doesn’t want to leave and feels very strongly that SS is the one that should have to leave. It’s hard for me because I agree with him but I have to keep my daughter safe at the same time. It’s is going to come down to either SS gets the treatment he needs (which is what I want) and then the rest of us can start our journey to healing. Or SS will have consequences to sea with thru the courts and/or CYS. Not the route I want to go but if forced to I will. I just don’t understand how ANYONE can say he is not a threat to her?? It’s there I’m black and white. And the psychologist is pushing us to give him internet access back. That’s like giving an alcoholic a drink but telling him not to drink it.

 

[Copabanana]

Why in the world is the psychologist pushing for internet?

Is this person quite young and inexperienced? If you are in the USA it could be said he has a mandated duty to report to child protective services. In my mind, the facts as you state them could well warrant review by a social worker. Honestly. I do not get it.

What is your husband saying?

You need support here. And a plan backed up by all the adults involved.

 

[BusynMember]

Maybe your stepson just has a bad psychologist.

As Mom, I would go with my gut. The fact is your SS was sexual with her, even if he didn't moleste or rape her. And nobody knows what he did, really. Kids normally do not tell all at first. You find out much later, after the predator is not in their life.

As the mom of two daughters, my own mom gut tells me that the fact that SS was sexual at all means that nobody, including a great psychiatrist, can guarantee your daughter will be safe. She doesn't want to live with him. She should never have to again. I would say she should never have to see him again. What if this boy was not your stepson? Would you let your daughter be around him? Force her to interact with him?

I don't believe talking to relatives helps, although they are now on the side of residential. I can't see how asking them is relevant. They arent professionals and are biased. You are her mother. This is serious. Even your son can not have a final say. if we are using fairness as the meter, SS should leave. But this is about safety, not fairness. Even if SS gets help there is no guarantee he will be safe. Ever. Sexual problems are one of those things that sometimes can not be treated and why should your daughter be the guinea pig?

I still think your husband's attitude is "off," in this. Often men don't understand sexual abuse unless it happened to them. And he is in denial about his son. And it is perpetrated by this psychologist. Not all psychologists are good. This one is frankly behaving oddly about this. Very.

Yes, get daughter a fresh female psychologist who deals with sexual abuse because even taping her in the shower is sexual abuse. You know that he did that. Make sure the new psychologist is in no way attached to the SS family. I still say different city. And you, as Mom, need to protect your daughter. Nobody else in this mess is worried about her. Just you. Do YOU have relatives?

Do not be surprised if you find out later that SS did more to her than she is admitting for now. A patient, caring psychologist ,(not just a counselor/therapist) schooled in sexual abuse will slowly gain her trust so that she can feel safe enough to tell all. That is the type of professional who helped my kids when both were saying it was "just a few times." It took a year to learn it had been three years.

Also sometimes abused kids forget the abuse and it comes back in flashbacks as they become married women with husband's and kids. Often it is hidden in the sub conscience until it causes big problems later. My daughter and son know R. abused them but neither remember what he did. The mind blocks out horrible memories but then they can come back. You don't want that for your amazing daughter who did nothing to deserve this. At the very worst it can turn into multiple personality disorder. Not usually, but that shows how the mind can repress trauma. That is the mind blocking what happened because it is a huge trauma.

Sadly I think daughter will heal best away from SS forever.I don't know how one can heal with the abuser around being treated like a good guy. And he seems to be getting more sympathy than your daughter. It's backwards.

You are overwhelmed by all these relatives and psychologists of SS. But you are a Mom and you know best. Don't let this family obscure the real problem and do what's best for your daughter. I assume your son will be in college next year so his desires can not trump your daughters needs. It's too critical. Your son will be better off without SS too. Trust your mom gut. It's on the right track. This family of SS smells. They just want to protect SS. Wait until he does something to a girl outside the family. One not afraid of his family.

Love and light.