Thank you recoveringenabler!! My husband, daughter and I are going away for the weekend. My son has opted to stay home with my parents. Stepson of course is with his great grandparents. Not really doing anything special but just a weekend away with a group of friends. I am excited to go! And excited that my daughter wants to go along. It’ll be a nice break and very much needed!!
New Member......Need Help
- Thread starter Sumsky
- Start date
Have a really wonderful time with your family, enjoy every precious moment.....(I know you will!)
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You are incredibly courageous and kind and enjoy your vacation!
Evaluation results.... absolutely NO unsupervised contact and only supervised contact if daughter okays it. Risk level of ‘hands on’ abuse is low. Risk level of ‘hands off’ abuse continuing high. Stepson shows no signs of remorse. Risk of continuing the manipulative behaviors high. His view of women is very chauvinistic. His view of sex is very casual. He does not show any signs of deviance as far as children or violence, etc. We have decided that the chances of rehabilitation with staying with great grandparents is virtually non existent and if he remains with them the likelihood of him returning to our home is very minimal. A safety plan will be set up and a discussion with grandfather and step grandmother about the possibility of stepson living with them and continuing counseling will happen later this week. (These grandparents feel he needs residential treatment and will enforce the rules). So, daughter remains home. Stepson does not and husband knows it has to happen like that and is ok with it but still has some feelings of guilt and the reality of the whole thing has not completely set it. He knows that daughters safety is first but still struggling with not being with his son.
Thank you for the update Sumsky. After all you've gone thru to get to this point, you must be relieved and feel validated.
You've successfully protected your daughter, helped your step son find the supports he requires to have a chance at a healthy life, told the truth in your family and held the line of truth until everyone else could catch up. It's certainly understandable that your husband is struggling to accept all of it, however, he has stepped up to the plate for your daughter.
Will your step son eventually go to Residential treatment after he stays with the other grandparents?
How're you feeling? Perhaps you can let go a bit and take a deep breath.....you've been through a great deal....
I'm proud of you for how well you handled such a sensitive and intense situation.
(((HUGS)))
You've successfully protected your daughter, helped your step son find the supports he requires to have a chance at a healthy life, told the truth in your family and held the line of truth until everyone else could catch up. It's certainly understandable that your husband is struggling to accept all of it, however, he has stepped up to the plate for your daughter.
Will your step son eventually go to Residential treatment after he stays with the other grandparents?
How're you feeling? Perhaps you can let go a bit and take a deep breath.....you've been through a great deal....
I'm proud of you for how well you handled such a sensitive and intense situation.
(((HUGS)))
I do feel relief in some ways that my feelings have been validated. There will be no residential treatment at this point. The indicators do not show stepson as severe enough to need that type of treatment. Stepson is capable of turning this around, it’s a matter of being given a strict enough incentive to turn it around. And that is entirely in his hands. That is why we are looking to a different set of grandparents to help us. Stepson will love with them through treatment and will be evaluated along the way. As of right now stepson is perfectly content with the living arrangements and not coming back into our home because he has no restrictions or discipline at the great grandparents. The great grandparents will not cooperate with the restrictions that his therapist put in place. Stepson is to have absolutely NO internet access and they will not do that because they do not feel it’s fair to him. So, if he remains with them there is no chance of rehabilitation. However, he cannot come back to our home and residential will not accept him. So, if the other set of grandparent will not help us then our options are foster care and husband will not allow that to happen or staying with great grandparents until something like this happens again and then he will go into the legal system. All therapist and evaluator made it clear that if anything else happens in Amy way shape or form, they will bring the courts into it.
At this point, I am relieved and although I will continue to support and participate in the counseling fully, I will not carry the burden on my own. My husband is going to have to step of to the plate and make this work. I will continue to observe and participate to make sure that I know what every situation involves but I will not take the reigns for his treatment. If he doesn’t get better, he doesn’t come home and my daughter is safe. I have done what I could, it’s time for others to get on board!!!
At this point, I am relieved and although I will continue to support and participate in the counseling fully, I will not carry the burden on my own. My husband is going to have to step of to the plate and make this work. I will continue to observe and participate to make sure that I know what every situation involves but I will not take the reigns for his treatment. If he doesn’t get better, he doesn’t come home and my daughter is safe. I have done what I could, it’s time for others to get on board!!!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You are brave and smart and a wonderful mother.
Last edited:
You've done all you can do.......you've done a stellar job.......you've done enough......rest now.
Reclaim your peace and joy.....
Reclaim your peace and joy.....
Thank you SWOT!!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I forget how old is stepson but if he Is 16 (or when he is) there is job corps,, a residential, federally funded, free job training program in centers all over the country. They have excellent trainings. You can finish high school. There is great supervision. My son went.
I get that the family is well to do and that son is very entitled and arrogant. All the more reason he go.
For the typical enrollees this, and the military, are their only real shot.
If your husband was on board I believe this might be a real shot for stepson. It sounds like he needs a wake up call, not more coddling.
He has control over his impulses. His thinking is clear. He is just a little shxt. The real world might help him find his humanity.
It could be presented to him as an opportunity. Because it is. The age group is 16-24.
I get that the family is well to do and that son is very entitled and arrogant. All the more reason he go.
For the typical enrollees this, and the military, are their only real shot.
If your husband was on board I believe this might be a real shot for stepson. It sounds like he needs a wake up call, not more coddling.
He has control over his impulses. His thinking is clear. He is just a little shxt. The real world might help him find his humanity.
It could be presented to him as an opportunity. Because it is. The age group is 16-24.
Last edited:
Thank you Copabanana!! I’ll have to check it out and bring that up to husband and counselors. He will be 16 next month. That may be an option!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Sum. On the basis of personal experience, I recommend it. My son went to a center in the middle of San Francisco bay, at treasure island halfway across the bay bridge. They take kids with challenges, whether poverty, cultural, disability, even gang, etc. My son was perfectly safe, but there are adjustment issues, no different than school or the military.
I think if it were presented in the right way son might be receptive and even think it was a privilege, and opportunity to emancipate early.
The drawback might be the perception by extended family that this is "beneath him." This to me would be exactly the biggest benefit. By the time he was 18 he could have an excellent skillset. As I recall they have electrician, lvn, welding, computers, and many more trainings. What would be the loss? I think they can even live there and go to college.
I would love it if he could go. It would turn this whole thing into a win win for everybody and he could get away from the great grandparents influence.
I think if it were presented in the right way son might be receptive and even think it was a privilege, and opportunity to emancipate early.
The drawback might be the perception by extended family that this is "beneath him." This to me would be exactly the biggest benefit. By the time he was 18 he could have an excellent skillset. As I recall they have electrician, lvn, welding, computers, and many more trainings. What would be the loss? I think they can even live there and go to college.
I would love it if he could go. It would turn this whole thing into a win win for everybody and he could get away from the great grandparents influence.
Copabanana, I casually mentioned this to my husband last night.... He was very quick to say ‘I’m not sending him away’. I have printed some information about Job Corp today and will hold onto it until after our discussion with grandparents this weekend. Husband may be a lil more receptive if he doesn’t have another alternative. I think it sounds like a wonderful program and do feel that stepson would excel in a hands on environment like that. The only drawback would be that stepson is very quick to bail if things get hard. And he would be able to just quit at any time. And I’m not sure how the counseling would happen for him. That would have to be checked into. So for now, I am just waiting this out a lil bit...
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Hi Sumsky,
Not trying to dissuade you, but I once lived in a town with a job corps, and still have friends who live in the area. The place is overrun with drugs, fights, and crime, and the police are there quite often. They commit many burglaries and crimes in that community, as well as against fellow students. The place is out of control and not well supervised.
Local ‘men’ would go there to pick up females (or males) with offers of drugs or alcohol. They called it ‘cruising the job corps’.
I have a female friend that dropped out of the program after becoming pregnant (many years ago). She told me many horror stories.
The young people who go there are generally “difficult kids” just like the ones we come here to talk about.
I would visit any program before I would send a child there. Some are probably better than others.
The program I am familiar with has 48-hour passes that allow the students to stay off campus over the weekends, but hopefully that doesn’t extend to minors.
Not trying to dissuade you, but I once lived in a town with a job corps, and still have friends who live in the area. The place is overrun with drugs, fights, and crime, and the police are there quite often. They commit many burglaries and crimes in that community, as well as against fellow students. The place is out of control and not well supervised.
Local ‘men’ would go there to pick up females (or males) with offers of drugs or alcohol. They called it ‘cruising the job corps’.
I have a female friend that dropped out of the program after becoming pregnant (many years ago). She told me many horror stories.
The young people who go there are generally “difficult kids” just like the ones we come here to talk about.
I would visit any program before I would send a child there. Some are probably better than others.
The program I am familiar with has 48-hour passes that allow the students to stay off campus over the weekends, but hopefully that doesn’t extend to minors.
Last edited:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I wonder if the program would accept a sexual predator. Check first. He may be considered a risk to the others. His problems are dangerous, especially to the program's girls. I would not allow a girl of mine in any program your SS was in. Drug users are bad enough, but people dont force you to use drugs. Sexual predators at any level....a dealbreaker. He is not deemed safe around your daughter. Why would he be safe living with otjer women? Be cautious.
Last edited:
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
As far as I am aware stepson does not have a record. There would be no basis to restrict his rights.Meanwhile, dad has nixed the idea for now.
This will be an evolving situation with stepson. And perhaps for dad and family.
But the great victory for Sumsky is she has protected her daughter and her daughter's safety and security in her home. Sumsky knows now that whatever happens she will continue to do the same.
I do not expect stepson (or great grandparents) to stop. They will escalate and push.
There will be the need for options, just like for the rest of us.. Job corps is an imperfect one, it seems. (Maybe centers differ one to the next, I don't know.)
What seems clear to me is stepson is moving his life along in ways that nobody around him can contain or control. Which really is a defining aspect of a Difficult Child.
It's not sumskys job to respond to this, except in a defensive way and to support her husband if she chooses.
A note to self: there are no "somewhere over the rainbow" solutions.
This will be an evolving situation with stepson. And perhaps for dad and family.
But the great victory for Sumsky is she has protected her daughter and her daughter's safety and security in her home. Sumsky knows now that whatever happens she will continue to do the same.
I do not expect stepson (or great grandparents) to stop. They will escalate and push.
There will be the need for options, just like for the rest of us.. Job corps is an imperfect one, it seems. (Maybe centers differ one to the next, I don't know.)
What seems clear to me is stepson is moving his life along in ways that nobody around him can contain or control. Which really is a defining aspect of a Difficult Child.
It's not sumskys job to respond to this, except in a defensive way and to support her husband if she chooses.
A note to self: there are no "somewhere over the rainbow" solutions.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Well....legal or not, if I heard a boy who was being seen for sexual abuse issues was in my daughters program, she would leave. If he did anything to my daughter and I had not been told about him it would be war.
This scares daughter's mothers more than drugs, theft, etc. If he cant be around his sister, I dont want him around my daughter. It is not okay unless the girls who are of age and mothers of minors all gave permission. Never happen.
Now since great grandparents are against it, which to me is a blessing even if it is for other reasons, then you are right. It is a non issue. I only hope he can find counseling, which may not even help, in a more restricted setting where everything is recorded on camera.
When our 13 year old sexual offender was put in residential, he was caught on camera trying to offend and this was to a boy. To me this is the only degree of limit that will protect others from a person with sexual abuse issues. Its not just about him. Its about protecting others from him.
Copa you know I respect you so much. For all other problems it sounds like a great program. Our kids are used to scummy peers and if they are there they know how to handle them. I believe that probably some places are better than others, as with all organizations. I just dont like the idea of a boy with sexual issues, documented, around my girls. Mothers of girls have angsts that include them being sexually abused. For good reason. It is rampant and lately the new thing is to record girls perhaps showering, as SS did, and put it on the internet. Once its there, thousands can grab it and run.
I think this is too risky.
This scares daughter's mothers more than drugs, theft, etc. If he cant be around his sister, I dont want him around my daughter. It is not okay unless the girls who are of age and mothers of minors all gave permission. Never happen.
Now since great grandparents are against it, which to me is a blessing even if it is for other reasons, then you are right. It is a non issue. I only hope he can find counseling, which may not even help, in a more restricted setting where everything is recorded on camera.
When our 13 year old sexual offender was put in residential, he was caught on camera trying to offend and this was to a boy. To me this is the only degree of limit that will protect others from a person with sexual abuse issues. Its not just about him. Its about protecting others from him.
Copa you know I respect you so much. For all other problems it sounds like a great program. Our kids are used to scummy peers and if they are there they know how to handle them. I believe that probably some places are better than others, as with all organizations. I just dont like the idea of a boy with sexual issues, documented, around my girls. Mothers of girls have angsts that include them being sexually abused. For good reason. It is rampant and lately the new thing is to record girls perhaps showering, as SS did, and put it on the internet. Once its there, thousands can grab it and run.
I think this is too risky.
Last edited:
I do agree that it does put others at risk and I don’t want that. That’s why I had said I wasn’t sure how he would do the counseling. That is an absolute must. And the program would have to be aware of the issues. We have a meeting with the school Monday to discuss him returning to the local high school. They are already aware of some of the issues but not the videoing. According to our therapists everything is to remain within the household so we should not be discussing this at the meeting. I do NOT feel comfortable with no disclosing all the information. But I am following along with therapists.... therapists are also talking about telling my daughter everything. I’m very undecided about this. She has been doing so well and I hate to tell her all that actually happened and send her backward again. On the other hand, I feel she has a right to know everything. What’s everyones opinion on telling daughter?
