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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 647819" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome estranged. I am so sorry for all you have been through and we understand here on this site. </p><p></p><p>You have gotten great responses from the other great people who have posted so far and I know there will be more.</p><p></p><p>I notice you said your son steals from you. If he has access to you home, please find a way to change that. My son was stealing from me and that is a deal breaker. That is almost always a clear indication of drug abuse---they have to find Things to pawn and sell to buy drugs. </p><p></p><p>Once I realized that---and I was a slow learner---I kicked him out and changed the locks. I would not allow him to come here at all for a while and then as I started to let him come for a meal I would monitor his actions in my house even making sure there was nothing in the one bathroom I would allow him to use rhat he could steal. I was a nervous wreck during these times.</p><p></p><p>We have a right and deserve to have a home that is our sanctuary. Dealing with all of this is so debilitating and over time we start to set some Boundaries. One of the first and most basic is that you have to have a home that is safe for you.</p><p></p><p>Then you can begin to work on other boundaries like telling him firmly and quietly that every time he talks disrespectfully to you, the conversation will be immediately over. Then do it. Say I am hanging up now and do it. Say I am leaving now and do it. Be consistent and over time he will get the message. </p><p></p><p>I like to think of it this way---I can only keep my side of the street clean. I can only control my own behavior. What kind of person do I want to be? I want to be a person who realizes I can't fix, manage, control or change other people. I want to be a person who respects the dignity of every person and treats them with respect no matter what they do. I want to be a person who has a fulfilling, happy life. Once I started focusing more and more on myself and less and less on my son who I dearly love, things started getting a lot better for me. </p><p></p><p>There is a lot of hard work to do to live that kind of life when our adult children are destroying theirs. </p><p></p><p>I have come to a whole new set of beliefs, attitudes and actions that include staying out of the business of other people and focusing on my own life. It takes daily work and daily practices and I still make many mistakes but it is definitely doable. I am so much happier today.</p><p></p><p>There is no guarantee that our troubled adult children will change if we change but I believe there is virtually no chance they will change if we don't. </p><p></p><p>Today my sons life appears to be much better---he is not in jail, he is working full time plus and he has an apartment. It is still messy and far from the life I wanted for him but I have learned that those were my wants not his. </p><p></p><p>Please know that we are here for you and we will share our experience strength and hope I hopes it will be helpful to you. Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 647819, member: 17542"] Welcome estranged. I am so sorry for all you have been through and we understand here on this site. You have gotten great responses from the other great people who have posted so far and I know there will be more. I notice you said your son steals from you. If he has access to you home, please find a way to change that. My son was stealing from me and that is a deal breaker. That is almost always a clear indication of drug abuse---they have to find Things to pawn and sell to buy drugs. Once I realized that---and I was a slow learner---I kicked him out and changed the locks. I would not allow him to come here at all for a while and then as I started to let him come for a meal I would monitor his actions in my house even making sure there was nothing in the one bathroom I would allow him to use rhat he could steal. I was a nervous wreck during these times. We have a right and deserve to have a home that is our sanctuary. Dealing with all of this is so debilitating and over time we start to set some Boundaries. One of the first and most basic is that you have to have a home that is safe for you. Then you can begin to work on other boundaries like telling him firmly and quietly that every time he talks disrespectfully to you, the conversation will be immediately over. Then do it. Say I am hanging up now and do it. Say I am leaving now and do it. Be consistent and over time he will get the message. I like to think of it this way---I can only keep my side of the street clean. I can only control my own behavior. What kind of person do I want to be? I want to be a person who realizes I can't fix, manage, control or change other people. I want to be a person who respects the dignity of every person and treats them with respect no matter what they do. I want to be a person who has a fulfilling, happy life. Once I started focusing more and more on myself and less and less on my son who I dearly love, things started getting a lot better for me. There is a lot of hard work to do to live that kind of life when our adult children are destroying theirs. I have come to a whole new set of beliefs, attitudes and actions that include staying out of the business of other people and focusing on my own life. It takes daily work and daily practices and I still make many mistakes but it is definitely doable. I am so much happier today. There is no guarantee that our troubled adult children will change if we change but I believe there is virtually no chance they will change if we don't. Today my sons life appears to be much better---he is not in jail, he is working full time plus and he has an apartment. It is still messy and far from the life I wanted for him but I have learned that those were my wants not his. Please know that we are here for you and we will share our experience strength and hope I hopes it will be helpful to you. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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