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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 17930" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi Rachel, welcome.</p><p></p><p>Some suggestions and agreement with the others:</p><p></p><p>1) SRL's recommended reading list - she'd good, darned good. I recommend that BEFORE YOUR APPOINTMENT TOMORROW, you and your husband sit and do the online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Whatever the result, print it out and take the printout with you tomorrow. It's not officially diagnostic but a specialist can use what you have found and maybe change his thinking, if so far he hasn't helped.</p><p></p><p>2) The failure of the doctor to help - it means that these methods CAN'T help difficult child right now. He has stronger needs to NOT eat certain foods, including phobias and sensory integration issues, most likely. Restaurants - same problem. How can HE know what the restaurants have put in their food? My younger son is very much like this. With him, it's anything with a creamy texture - he will gag on it. Some kids will ONLY eat pureed foods. difficult child 3, by contrast, very quickly moved on to lumpy "grown-up" food and away from anything smooth and creamy. Eating out - we have similar problems. At home - he will only eat food I've cooked, not anyone else, because each cook has their own slight variation. He will eat bottled pasta sauce, but only one particular brand and only one variety.</p><p>And another similarity with my difficult child and yours - my son also had language delay but could also now pass for a lawyer or p olitician (I don't know WHY that word gets censored on this site when spelt without the gap)</p><p></p><p>3) The neighbour - I know that game the kids were playing. I hate it. it's bad, it's dangerous and kids often just don't realise the danger. It's HIGHLY likely, almost a certainty, that your son has seen other kids playing this game and apparently having fun. He was trying to share this new game with his neighbour friends and their father came and spoiled it all. The game can't be dangerous, in his mind - he sees other kids play it all the time! (I suspect it's probably classmates, who are all about the same age and size - less danger then, less likelihood of the kids underneath not coping with it.) You will find it difficult to explain to your son that this is a dangerous game, because the evidence of his own experience tells him otherwise. I suspect he's never been underneath one of these 'stacks'. </p><p>[An aside - our church youth group kids were doing this regularly - they would yell, "Stacks on!" and then pile on top of some unfortunate individual on the bottom of the heap. Sometimes there would be five or more kids/young adults, piled high. I got really angry/desperate one evening and physically hauled them up and told them to cut it out, it was dangerous. Other parents who were there got angry with me for daring to correct their kids (when they do it to mine all the time) and for breaking up what they said was a harmless game. But the kids who end up on the bottom of the heap are in real danger, not only of being suffocated but of broken bones.]</p><p></p><p>4) You may need a new pediatrician. I agree with kris. But you have this appointment tomorrow, you may as well go. See what he says about the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. When you do the questionnaire, you will understand what I mean. </p><p></p><p>5) "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene is a HUGE help. I think it will help you a great deal, even just the opening chapter (which can be found online, on Ross Greene's website). Also, if you check out Early Childhood there is some really helpful discussion there which should give you a preview of how the book can help.</p><p></p><p>6) His behaviour's OK at school - interesting. What is different about school and home? I'm NOT saying that you need to change your parenting style and all will be well (because it won't - this needs more) but they are doing SOMETHING right (by chance, I suspect).</p><p>A hint - we go to school to learn. If SRL's and my theory is correct, you have an exceptionally bright child who is starving for stimulation, mostly academic stimulation. He may be only mild with his Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (if he HAS Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)) but still having enough problems with sensory integration, social stuff etc to make it difficult for him. But he knows he has to 'hold it together' at school.</p><p>School is routine. It is ordered, predictable, it has clear patterns to the day. And he's awake and refreshed in the mornings, compared to when he gets home. Kids like ours will try to hold it together at school but by the time they get home they 'let go' and relax, often with catastrophic results on the rest of us. It's not uncommon for parents to cop it harder.</p><p>I suspect at school they're not hassling him about eating, either. probably other things as well, which are important to you because they're family-based issues and responsibilities, not school ones.</p><p></p><p>You have another very normal child - that should also tell you, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.</p><p></p><p>But you can make it easier on him and on yourselves. Even without a suitable label, read "Explosive Child" and then go through your personal history on him, looking for clues. Give him personal responsibility and choice in areas that really don't matter. back off on the food issues, try and give him a balanced diet within the framework of his preferences. In our more modern world we can do this without too much fuss - I cook ahead and will serve multiple meals sometimes, mostly from pre-prepared stores. Example - last night we had lasagne (store-bought party pack). difficult child 3 hates lasagne, but I already had some bolognese sauce in the freezer. I got it out, thawed it and made difficult child 3 some nachos the way he likes it (very simple). His dinner was served and eaten while ours was cooking.</p><p>And that's another thing - I feed difficult child 3 when he's hungry, and earlier rather than late, because he gets so mentally tired and stressed that he's too tired to eat. His older sister does this to me as well, and she's 20. Basically, it's like with babies. Keep them fed, slept, clean and entertained and they'll be much better behaved for you. Doesn't mean they're perfect, only it gives you a better chance to get through to them.</p><p>I still use that principle with difficult child 3 (and his older sister!). If I let him go to bed without having eaten enough, he will wake earlier and be cranky from hunger as well as lack of sleep. Plus, he's underweight so I don't feel too guilty shovelling food into him when he's too tired to feed himself. I need to do that a lot less now he's 13, but I still do sometimes if I know it's going to make my life easier in the morning.</p><p></p><p>Another tip with food - I keep healthy snacks that he likes available for him to eat. Cold cooked sausages, for example. If he eats four sausages at 5 pm, I might just give him a salad at 6 pm and call it dinner. I don't care if he spoils his appetite on good food - he's eating the same food anyway, but when his body is ready for it rather than to my timetable.</p><p></p><p>I know this sounds like anarchy, but it works for us because it works in so many ways. When he sleeps, he sleeps incredibly soundly. Everything he does, he does it with every fibre of his being. Awake he's bouncing off the walls. Asleep, he doesn't move. When he's concentrating on schoolwork, I have to touch him on the shoulder to get his attention.</p><p></p><p>I think it's too early to label your son with ODD. I don't think he's oppositional. I think he's just having trouble understanding how the rules are. The food - I don't think that's oppositional, I think he really has problems there and how else can he explain? If someone told me I would have to eat braised tripe and raw liver, or go hungry - I'd go hungry, folks. But I'd be cranky and irritable, as well as thinking everyone was being unreasonable.</p><p></p><p>One final point - you need to be anonymous. Not for us, but for your sake. The time will almost certainly come when you want to vent about a problem, and you don't want it written with your full identifying details attached to it. You might be angry with the pediatrician; with the neighbour; with the school - and if there's a chance they're trying to see what you might be writing about them then you will have lost your confidentiality.</p><p></p><p>I know I leak at times about my real ID, but that's because I'm feeling fairly safe at the moment. It's not part of my name or sig. My whole ID - it's something I just don't go into full detail with. No address, no surname, no personal names of kids, no doctor names, no school name. Then if I want to say, "My son's teacher is a jerk," I can.</p><p>If you have any concerns or queries, message a moderator. They can help you with any changes you may want to make.</p><p></p><p>And good luck at tomorrow's appointment!</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the site - you have come to a good place.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 17930, member: 1991"] Hi Rachel, welcome. Some suggestions and agreement with the others: 1) SRL's recommended reading list - she'd good, darned good. I recommend that BEFORE YOUR APPOINTMENT TOMORROW, you and your husband sit and do the online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Whatever the result, print it out and take the printout with you tomorrow. It's not officially diagnostic but a specialist can use what you have found and maybe change his thinking, if so far he hasn't helped. 2) The failure of the doctor to help - it means that these methods CAN'T help difficult child right now. He has stronger needs to NOT eat certain foods, including phobias and sensory integration issues, most likely. Restaurants - same problem. How can HE know what the restaurants have put in their food? My younger son is very much like this. With him, it's anything with a creamy texture - he will gag on it. Some kids will ONLY eat pureed foods. difficult child 3, by contrast, very quickly moved on to lumpy "grown-up" food and away from anything smooth and creamy. Eating out - we have similar problems. At home - he will only eat food I've cooked, not anyone else, because each cook has their own slight variation. He will eat bottled pasta sauce, but only one particular brand and only one variety. And another similarity with my difficult child and yours - my son also had language delay but could also now pass for a lawyer or p olitician (I don't know WHY that word gets censored on this site when spelt without the gap) 3) The neighbour - I know that game the kids were playing. I hate it. it's bad, it's dangerous and kids often just don't realise the danger. It's HIGHLY likely, almost a certainty, that your son has seen other kids playing this game and apparently having fun. He was trying to share this new game with his neighbour friends and their father came and spoiled it all. The game can't be dangerous, in his mind - he sees other kids play it all the time! (I suspect it's probably classmates, who are all about the same age and size - less danger then, less likelihood of the kids underneath not coping with it.) You will find it difficult to explain to your son that this is a dangerous game, because the evidence of his own experience tells him otherwise. I suspect he's never been underneath one of these 'stacks'. [An aside - our church youth group kids were doing this regularly - they would yell, "Stacks on!" and then pile on top of some unfortunate individual on the bottom of the heap. Sometimes there would be five or more kids/young adults, piled high. I got really angry/desperate one evening and physically hauled them up and told them to cut it out, it was dangerous. Other parents who were there got angry with me for daring to correct their kids (when they do it to mine all the time) and for breaking up what they said was a harmless game. But the kids who end up on the bottom of the heap are in real danger, not only of being suffocated but of broken bones.] 4) You may need a new pediatrician. I agree with kris. But you have this appointment tomorrow, you may as well go. See what he says about the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. When you do the questionnaire, you will understand what I mean. 5) "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene is a HUGE help. I think it will help you a great deal, even just the opening chapter (which can be found online, on Ross Greene's website). Also, if you check out Early Childhood there is some really helpful discussion there which should give you a preview of how the book can help. 6) His behaviour's OK at school - interesting. What is different about school and home? I'm NOT saying that you need to change your parenting style and all will be well (because it won't - this needs more) but they are doing SOMETHING right (by chance, I suspect). A hint - we go to school to learn. If SRL's and my theory is correct, you have an exceptionally bright child who is starving for stimulation, mostly academic stimulation. He may be only mild with his Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (if he HAS Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)) but still having enough problems with sensory integration, social stuff etc to make it difficult for him. But he knows he has to 'hold it together' at school. School is routine. It is ordered, predictable, it has clear patterns to the day. And he's awake and refreshed in the mornings, compared to when he gets home. Kids like ours will try to hold it together at school but by the time they get home they 'let go' and relax, often with catastrophic results on the rest of us. It's not uncommon for parents to cop it harder. I suspect at school they're not hassling him about eating, either. probably other things as well, which are important to you because they're family-based issues and responsibilities, not school ones. You have another very normal child - that should also tell you, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. But you can make it easier on him and on yourselves. Even without a suitable label, read "Explosive Child" and then go through your personal history on him, looking for clues. Give him personal responsibility and choice in areas that really don't matter. back off on the food issues, try and give him a balanced diet within the framework of his preferences. In our more modern world we can do this without too much fuss - I cook ahead and will serve multiple meals sometimes, mostly from pre-prepared stores. Example - last night we had lasagne (store-bought party pack). difficult child 3 hates lasagne, but I already had some bolognese sauce in the freezer. I got it out, thawed it and made difficult child 3 some nachos the way he likes it (very simple). His dinner was served and eaten while ours was cooking. And that's another thing - I feed difficult child 3 when he's hungry, and earlier rather than late, because he gets so mentally tired and stressed that he's too tired to eat. His older sister does this to me as well, and she's 20. Basically, it's like with babies. Keep them fed, slept, clean and entertained and they'll be much better behaved for you. Doesn't mean they're perfect, only it gives you a better chance to get through to them. I still use that principle with difficult child 3 (and his older sister!). If I let him go to bed without having eaten enough, he will wake earlier and be cranky from hunger as well as lack of sleep. Plus, he's underweight so I don't feel too guilty shovelling food into him when he's too tired to feed himself. I need to do that a lot less now he's 13, but I still do sometimes if I know it's going to make my life easier in the morning. Another tip with food - I keep healthy snacks that he likes available for him to eat. Cold cooked sausages, for example. If he eats four sausages at 5 pm, I might just give him a salad at 6 pm and call it dinner. I don't care if he spoils his appetite on good food - he's eating the same food anyway, but when his body is ready for it rather than to my timetable. I know this sounds like anarchy, but it works for us because it works in so many ways. When he sleeps, he sleeps incredibly soundly. Everything he does, he does it with every fibre of his being. Awake he's bouncing off the walls. Asleep, he doesn't move. When he's concentrating on schoolwork, I have to touch him on the shoulder to get his attention. I think it's too early to label your son with ODD. I don't think he's oppositional. I think he's just having trouble understanding how the rules are. The food - I don't think that's oppositional, I think he really has problems there and how else can he explain? If someone told me I would have to eat braised tripe and raw liver, or go hungry - I'd go hungry, folks. But I'd be cranky and irritable, as well as thinking everyone was being unreasonable. One final point - you need to be anonymous. Not for us, but for your sake. The time will almost certainly come when you want to vent about a problem, and you don't want it written with your full identifying details attached to it. You might be angry with the pediatrician; with the neighbour; with the school - and if there's a chance they're trying to see what you might be writing about them then you will have lost your confidentiality. I know I leak at times about my real ID, but that's because I'm feeling fairly safe at the moment. It's not part of my name or sig. My whole ID - it's something I just don't go into full detail with. No address, no surname, no personal names of kids, no doctor names, no school name. Then if I want to say, "My son's teacher is a jerk," I can. If you have any concerns or queries, message a moderator. They can help you with any changes you may want to make. And good luck at tomorrow's appointment! Welcome to the site - you have come to a good place. Marg [/QUOTE]
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