New Member so happy to find this site, need support

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Vweat002, Nov 18, 2010.

  1. Vweat002

    Vweat002 Guest

    Hi I am new to this site and it looks like this is the place for me. I am a mother of 4 children 3 of which are no problem and 1 that is beyond hard to handle. I have a 14 year old daughter that for the last 2 years seems to be spiraling out of control. She was a happy child but 2 years ago her natural father lost his job...then stopped seeing her...then her found out that he was ill...then he became homeless.

    With every new problem her father had she seemed to get worse. Last year I decided to take her to therapy because her grades were failing, she was withdrawn, and was lying constantly and stealing money from myself and her step father. Her therapist stated that she would work with he on dealing with the issues concerning her father but disnt think there was anything major wrong with her. the April of last year she told a school official that my husband beat her, that we forced fed her tuna fish that she was allergic to, and some other crazy things (he didnt beat her, we dont force feed her and shes not allergic to tune).

    CPS was called and they dropped the case because my daughter admitted to lying. I continued to take her to therapy, explained to her the significance of making up fake stories and how much trouble people can get in and how it affected us. She continued to become more withdrawn and disrespectful. This last week a recieve a call from the school police. My daughter was now stating that I was not her real mother (i am ) that her realy family died in a car crash, that now i beat her on a daily basis, that i starve her, and that she has no sibblings. Once again CPS was called on us. Once again they investigated and of course found nothing to be true. Since my daughter continued to claim that I wasnt her mother I decided to take her to the county mental health. they evaluated her and then sent her home because she was not a threat to herself or others.

    Over the weekend I found letters that were written between here and her friends. Apparently she has been telling her friends and their parents for at least the last 6 months that I am not her mother and the story about her parents dying in a care crash. She also told other people that she was adopted, has made up family members that do not exist, and basically embelishes or straight out lies about almost everything everyday. I took her to her councelor and they immediatly had her put into the hospital. It has now been 1 week since she has been in the hospital and she is still claiming that I am not her mother. The doctors said that they arnt sure if she actually believes it or not or if she is being manipulative, however they are starting her on (Abilify) to treat what they are calling a severe mood disorder.

    I know that I have kind of condensed a lot of stuff into a paragraph and that Ive probally left some things out that I cant remember but im at my wits end here. She has already falsly called CPS on us 2 times, this whole situation has been really hard on her other siblings, Im afraid she might hurt one of her other siblings when she comes home and basically Im afraid of her. I still dont know if she truely belives what she is saying but she has also now refused to see me when I have come for visitation. I am so confused, both her stepfather and I love her very much and have always been good parents and I dont know why she is doing this......has anyone else had anything like this happen?
    Lasted edited by : Nov 19, 2010
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Vweat - Good Morning and welcome to the board!

    I'm am running totally late this morning and don't have time to resound to your post, but wanted to approve it so members could begin to respond. I took the liberty of breaking your post out in paragraphs because it is very difficult to read (visually) when it's one big blob of print - or perhaps it's my age!

    Anyway, glad you are here.

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome. Sorry you need us.

    I'm wondering what exactly is wrong with her bio-dad to make him lose his job and then end up homeless - why can't he cope? OK, this could be cultural differences here again, but it would seem to me that this gives a higher chance that perhaps there is some hereditary mental health problem.

    Two things I can think of:

    1) she is making this up and knows she is making it up, but has now dug herself in so deep she has to go on pretending, or have to back down and lose too much face...
    If this is the case, then at some stage in the not too distant future, when this crisis is resolved, get her mentored in creative writing. She's got a gift, and it needs a more suitable outlet, one which puts her creativity to more productive and appropriate use.

    2) she really believes this; in which case, she desperately needs help for what appears to be a psychotic break.

    Life for teens is stressful. These days are bad; it was bad in our day too. I remember kids who had "nervous breakdowns" and needed a long time and a lot of help to recover. it could even be a combination of these things - it may have begun as an imagination game (too much idle time on her hands!) and has progressed through fantasy to now have the strength of a belief system.

    The doctors are doing what they can to unravel this. As far as CPS is concerned, you guys will be in the clear; she has cried wolf too often. She has only done herself a disservice by her accusations now. Let that one go and don't worry; just make sure you keep good records and copies of any CPS paperwork that clears you. Also any letters from any health professional who can attest to the delusional state (or the lies). Keep a detailed diary also.

    Stress can do a lot of mental damage to a vulnerable teen. Her father's problems may be the main issue; or they could be coincidental, or possibly her condition is following his. I don't know. But I would ask her doctors if there could be a connection.

    Keep in touch, let us know how you get on.

  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Vweat - you have come to the right place and I am sure you will get some good advice here. It sounds like you are pretty centered with your feet on the ground, even if it doesn't feel like it. Just remember whatever is going on with her is her stuff and is not your fault or due to something you have done. Does her bio father have mental illness? I am just wondering because he certainly went down hill and ended up homeless? Keep advocating for her to get help from the hospital and whatever you do try not to take it personally that she doesn't want to see you. I konw it is very painful to feel that rejection from a child but it is something about what is going on for her, and my bet is it is not really about you so much. Does that make sense. In the meantime make sure to take care ofo yourself.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Welcome to the board, but sorry you have to be here.

    At the very beginning of your description, I was going to ask if you are positive that she isn't abusing drugs as that's what drug abusing kids do...lie like it's a normal everyday thing and steal (mostly for drugs). Often they are very good at hiding their drug use. HOWEVER, it sounds like she really believes her lies which likely mans she has a thought disorder of some sort and that's why she is on Abilify which is an anti-psychotic that can also help depression. Do you know if her biological father has a mental illness? Unfortunately, that can be geentically passed on and often doesn't show up until the teens or older in their children. Does her father have a diagnosis? If so, that could help you a lot in knowing what is wrong with her.

    I believe you and hub love her a lot. I doubt this has anything to do with that...don't in any way feel guilty. If she is dangerous, you may want to consider an out-of-home placement. Has she ever said that she hears voices that you know aren't really there or does she make up things that she sees or hears that you know are impossible? I'm really sorry about your daughter and your pain. Good people come here and you will always get support. The more details you tell us, the more we can maybe brainstorm ways to get you through it. You may want to do a signature like I did below. That refreshes our memory as to who you are every time you post.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is it possible she thinks if she goes far enough her father will be contacted?
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My difficult child lies all the time. About the dumbest things. I do not believe one word that comes out of her mouth. As they say - how do you tell when a difficult child is lying? Their lips are moving.
    She used to make up these wild stories that she was a model and from New York, California, anywhere more exciting than Massachusetts. Just a couple of months ago I looked up her Facebook page and her hometown said Bronx, NY - she has NEVER lived in NY. She would also lie about us, too. Lie about her age.
    My sister's difficult children - and she has two - used to make up stories to CPS about her, too. They would say she beat them, starved them, etc. She had CPS involved in her life for a very long time because of them.

    I am very sorry you had to find this site. But I totally understand what a relief it is to find. (((HUGS)))
  8. Vweat002

    Vweat002 Guest

    Many people have been asking about her bio dad and yes he does suffer from bi polar disorder so yes I am worried that this might be something that was passed onto her. UPDATE: she was released fromt he hospital today and she is on abilify. The Dr has diagnosed her with a severe mood disorder but put not otherwise specified so he says that she needs extensive testing done to truely diagnose her properly. He still isnt sure if she really believes what she is saying or if she is pathological. Either way she needs intensive therapy. The social worker also let me know that the case has been closed. Before they released her from the hospital she was telling all of the nurses how can you let me go home with someone who beats me. I was horrified because one of the nurses seemed to believe her and was very very rude to me. I have been able to contact her bio dad and he has been keeping int ouch with me everyday to check on her. She is still stating that he is not her father and he even started to cry on the phone when she told him this but she did not seem to care the slightest. One the way home fromt eh hospital she actually asked me if she could go to her friends house.....I couldnt believe it, but I guess at this point I can believe anything at all.
    To help protect us and her Ive taken a few steps. 1) no one is allowed to be with her alone unless absolutley nessisary and never for my hubby (afraid she will make up worse lies next time) 2) my oldest son (18) is to keep his door open when he is home so he can always hear what is going on in the house and back us up. 3) all medications and razors have been removed fromt he bathroom 4) she has been told that she no longer has the right to almost any privacy within this household and that I will be periodically reading her journal and showing anything that is made up to her therapist. 5) She will be sleeping in the living room on the fold out bed until we can trust her with her sister 6) NO COMPUTER 7) the bathroom door needs to be unlocked when showering. 8) we must be notified when she is going to the restroom 9) The video camera will be charged at all time in case she tries to hurt herself or others...1 parent will call 911 and interviene, the other will video tape...10) no bathroom use until 1 hour after medications are taken or a meal is eaten........

    Does anyone else have any other ideas????? This has been a lot of work I am sooooo tired. This is also my last quarter in college so i am really stressed. Thank you for all of your support...
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Lock down the kitchen and any hobby/crafts areas, too. Lots of sharp things hiding there if you're inventive/desperate enough beyond the obvious knives, as well as chemicals. Ditto tools, power tools, pool supplies (if applicable), garden tools, sports equipment, you get my drift. You might want to get good key locks for the other kids' rooms and yours. Put yourself in the mind of a person looking to hurt someone or defend yourself and go room by room. Cleaning supplies, bug spray, rubbing alcohol, acidic liquids, etc. You might be amazed at how much can be dangerous if someone is desperate.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    An example of how easy it is to do damage - pool chlorine and brake fluid are an incendiary mix. One drop of brake fluid onto a tablespoon of pool chlorine will produce flames years into the air.

    Regarding her accusations of being beaten, and the nurse who seemed to believe her - where are the bruises? However, don't say that in front of her or she will hit herself until she is bruised.

    Also, keep your son safe form accusations also. She needs two people minimum, present always, as witnesses to one another. I would also have the cameras rolling constantly, without her knowledge. A small camera transmitting to a computer somewhere, computer locked away from her access. Have the computer back up regularly to an external hard drive so old files can be read (eventually overwritten). If you discover you need a file, chances are you will know quickly enough to get it from your back-up before it gets overwritten. If you know you have something in place like this, you can relax a little, knowing that any accusations can be verified or otherwise, easily and quickly. It could also gather other information which could be of great use.

  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    You mentioned an 18 year old brother and a sister. What age is that sister and the age and gender of the other sibling?

    I would consider taking steps to make absolutely certain that she NEVER is alone with the 18 year old brother. I can see her lies being transferred away from you when she realizes that CPS will stop reacting to her lies about you and start on some nasty ones about the brother. You don't want to place him into the situation of his word against hers even though you know he would tell the truth. CPS and other authorities will make life miserable for him while they go through the process of determining she is telling lies again.

    Make sure you have keys to the bathroom as well as every door she has access to locking herself behind.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't leave her alone with anyone. CPS takes sexual abuse accusations very seriously and often pull your kids before they do any investigating. Of course, it's your word against her word but in sexual abuse allegations CPS tends to side with the child. Now, she does have a history of lying so maybe they'd "get it." But, frankly, those working in CPS aren't all that fair or bright and, as one lawyer told me, "CPS is part of the government so they can pretty much do what they want." Scary!!! As a one time foster parent, I know many good families whose lying foster kids made untrue allegations and they lost all their biological kids for long periods of time. The stories were one big reason why we got out of foster care. Please be careful.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    A joke we have in Australia (you huys probably have it too) - "What's the difference between [CPS] and a rottweiler?"
    "You can get your kids back form a rottweiler."

    We had a situation over here in the state of Victoria some years ago, when children of a religious cult were removed from their families pending an investigation. The leader of Victoria at that time was Joan Kirner. The joke then became "What's the difference between Joan Kirner and a rottweiler?" "A: lip gloss".

    Mind you, Joan Kirner, after she resigned from her position and moved on in life, at one point ended up on a late night Aussie TV show singing [badly] "I Love Rock and Roll" (Joan Jett's famous piece). We all loved her after that, even though she can't sing. I know it's off topic a bit, but thought sharing it might lighten things a little.

    The famous video clip (her former Health Minister is actually on guitar):

    Background on the TV show:

    Back on topic now.

    I don't think CPS are likely to do much more; she's 17 and hence less of a risk concern, plus she's now got a history of mental health treatment as well as known history of false allegations. However, she can make other allegations that other children are being molested or abused.

    Another concern - people tend to accuse others of their own crimes; the co-worker who sneaks produce home is the one who suspects everyone else of theft. So whatever she is claiming others have done, look into her own actions.

  14. Vweat002

    Vweat002 Guest

    Thanks guys sorry I havnt been on her in a little bit but its been really difficult lately. My daughter was hospitalized again for 10 days and she was finally given a "definite" diagnosis...Delusional disorder....not a good diagnosis but one noe the less. During this last hospital stay they trippled her abilify, shes now on 20mg prozac and a sleeping aid. When she was released from the hospital we decided that it would be best for her and us for the time being if she stayed with my mother (who lives 2 buildings away from us). Shes been there for a week now and is doing better as far as being sucidal. We have gotten her into a good therapy program but it is a lot of work...2 times a week 2 hours group and then 2 hours family therapy, then 2 times a week with a personal therapist and then 2 times per month with the psychiatrist, not to mention MRI's, blood work lots and lots of therapy so pray for us that it helps her come out of this current round of psychosis so she can come home....
  15. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    Hi, I can't offer much except that you seem to have done an amazing job taking all the right steps. Having her live away from you is probably a really good idea. You have other children and they deserve a rest. I think sometimes, in the middle of a crisis, we forget how they are impacted and that impact is huge. Take care of yourself too.
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I have no additional advice, but wanted to welcome a fellow Californian to the board! Hope things calm down for you and your other kids.
  17. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    It sounds like you are doing everything that you can for her. The only other thing I was thinking was something that someone else already said. I would not leave your older son home alone with her. I would be afraid that she would make accusations against him and then he's going to have to be in the position of having to defend himself.

    Other than that, I have no other advice. I hope that she get the help that she needs.