New Mom

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mitchy, Oct 19, 2010.

  1. Mitchy

    Mitchy Guest

    I found this place looking for a support group in my area. Haven't found one yet but I sure need one. My eldest has major ADHD and was a huge challenge when he was younger. Now he's a teen and he's only a little more challenging than your average teen. He's kind of my light at the end of the tunnel.

    My youngest has ODD and PTSD. My ex was violent and abused me in front of the kids. My youngest had night terrors for years and years, until his dad moved out. He screams and yells and hits things and throws temper tantrums kicking and flailing on the floor. I am so tired of being screamed at every single day. The only time the youngest controls himself and can relax and play and just have fun is when my boyfriend's daughter comes over. She's 1 and when he plays with her, he's beautiful. He smiles and is goofy and if she smiles or laughs, that's all he wants. He will try not to scream and yell and curse if she is visiting, he will go have a "meltdown" outside to avoid waking her up. So there's hope in that.

    My youngest has been in a daily treatment program for six months. He'd been in regular therapy for two years prior. He's had two psychiatrists say there's no point in putting him on medications. We tried some mild things and they make his behavior and anxiety worse rather than better and he's not bad enough to require stronger medications with worse side effects. He can't return to regular school so he is going to start at an alternative school next month. I hate it.

    I feel sad and tired and like I failed him. I stayed with his dad because I was afraid to let him have the kids alone for visitation and I knew he'd never show up for supervised visitation. He always said he'd never see them if we got divorced and that's pretty much how it is. I have no idea what to do for him. The psychiatrists say it's going to take time and kindness and understanding and nothing else is going to "fix" the situation. I wish I had a magic wand, one genie wish, or that God would just give him a miracle. In the mean time, we keep trying.

    Oh, and in large part thanks to his dad we are going to lose our house. Dad used to get mad and put holes in the walls now the youngest has picked up the habit. I have to move into a rental not knowing if I can keep my youngest from destroying it. One thing on top of the other. I could just use some folks to talk to who get it.:anxious:
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Hello and welcome... I'm sorry your had to find us.

    You don't say how old your boys are, but I'm assuming your youngest is elementary school aged. While it is possible that his behavior stems from PTSD and an abusive early childhood it is also quite likely that he may be suffering from a mental illness or other disorder if his father has one too. Most mood and neurological disorders has a strong base to them meaning that someone is predisposed to the condition. Has your youngest been evaluated for anything other than PTSD or other emotional disturbance? I'd hate to see a mental/neurological condition go untreated if it could improve his quality of life. Is your ex diagnosis'd with anything? Does he have any addiction issues? We already know that he's violent and controlling because he was physically abusive to you and has essentially abandoned the boys. How does your soon do at school? With his brother? Does he have friends? Have interests outside of school?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, hon, and welcome to the board. I'm sorry about all that is happening.
    My advice would be (and I know it is exhausting advice) to get a thorough evaluation for your sons. I like NeuroPsychs. I am puzzled that the psychiatrists think there is no need for medication when this child is putting holes in the wall and his father had such horrible anger issues and is probably mentally ill. I just would seek different help. Sometimes (doctor-wise) you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince. Trust me, been there/done that/bought the shirt.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I agree with TM and MM. I think there is more going on. I would definitely get a thorough evaluation done soon. My guess is also that he shares some sort of diagnosis that his dad may or may not have been diagnosed with. If the tantrums are that bad, there are medications to help with PTSD symptoms. I would find a different child psychiatrist and/or a neuropsychologist. It sounds like things are not getting better even after all the months/years of on-going therapy.

    Glad you found us but sorry you had to. I have found my sanity here. Keep us posted and vent here any time you need to. We have all been there done that (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT).
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board family :D

    First, don't let the guilty feelings eat you up. We each do the best we can with what we know at the time. Not one of us here is perfect.

    I agree about getting a complete evaluation of both sons, but most especially the younger one. Probably time to look up a new psychiatrist and therapist. Doesn't sound like what has been tried is working for whatever reason. And it does sound as if your difficult child does have at least some control of his behavior which as you stated is quite hopeful he can be helped with proper treatment. Finding the right docs and right treatment plan can be a challenge.......and many of us here have been through it.

    You have not failed your son. You have had him in treatment and are actively seeking more help for him. You're doing the best you can, just like the rest of us.

    You've landed in a wonderful place full of parents who really do understand.

    Hang in there.

  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Plese don't feel like you have failed him. You are trying to do what you can for him. If you were just letting him run around wild, then you would have failed him. But you are being the best mother that you can be. Is you best, or my best for that matter, June Cleaver? Maybe not, but in my book best is best. You're looking for help. There is no shame in that.

  7. Mitchy

    Mitchy Guest

    If he did something different from what he saw his dad do I would be more worried. But this is all behavior that was common for his dad. I think that it is normal for kids to mirror the behavior of their parents. It takes a lot to change that. I'd LOVE to find a medication that would help but I'm not willing to risk the side effects of serious anti-anxiety medication. Not unless we really have to. It's only been a couple of years since we split up. He probably just needs more time. I hope.

    Ex - No diagnosis but he has a new age belief system based on his belief that the universe speaks to him. He refuses to be tested because he believes they would just tell him he is nuts when he knows that he isn't.

    Younger - he's 10. He have been through all sorts of tests and evaluations. I agree that he could have problems inherited from his dad but so far, that doesn't seem to be the case. It's just going to take time. He's gotten better since the separation, his night terrors ended. He's also trying harder to control his temper. It's just really hard to deal with when he is yelling and screaming at me every day. I talked to his therapist and she said try tying it to his video games. Today's the first day. He yelled at me once and I took the games away. He got into another fit and I told him if he kept up tomorrow would be gone too. He kept it up, I took away tomorrow. He hasn't yelled since. If we make it through bedtime without yelling, then I'll be really excited. He doesn't behave at school and he doesn't pay attention so he is falling behind. He fights with his brother a lot. He has a couple of friends but being in the program rather than school has cost him some friends. He was in football but he hated the pads (he has sensory integration problems too) so I let him quit when it got the point that I was putting him into his equipment and dragging him out onto the field.

    Lasted edited by : Oct 21, 2010