new parent of an adhd/odd child

[evenstephen]

This is my first post, so hello. I recently moved in with my girlfriend who has a ten year old child. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. I'm having a tough time adjusting. Or actually, I'm finding myself frustrated more and more. What I'd like some advice or help with is: when to discipline, and when to compromise. As a newbie to this... I've started feeling like I'm losing it, and I find myself resenting the little guy. Nit-picking every little bad behavior. Can someone offer some help and advice?

 

[BusynMember]

What problems are you having? Where is the father in this? Is he on medication? How long have you known him? Whatever you do, right off the bat, yelling and physical force don't change anything. Any IEP at school?

 

[evenstephen]

Most of the problems arise from normal things Iike cleaning up after himself, or other things all kids do. I guess it's more the attitude and unwillingness to comply. Any time his Mom or I ask for him to clean his room, or some other chore it's a game of tug of war. His father is around. He sees him every other weekend. The problem with him to me is that he wants to come across as the "good guy" he allows Ethan to miss his medications on weekends, stay up late and such. He is on Focalin... I believe it's called. And don't worry, though I may tell a bit. I've never been physical with him. I have known him for almost three years, most times things are great. The frustration of living together (since January) is really boiling up. Thamka!

 

[BusynMember]

You sound like a nice stepfather. Unfortunately, Dad doesn't get to see his son much so he is trying to be the good guy, which is very common for men who only get to see their child a little. If he had 50/50, like my son does, he may see it differently because he'd have to deal with it more. I can imagine the frustration, but it's really up to mom and dad to help him. Unfortunately, you have no legal rights. You can discuss ideas with her about treatment and I'd definitely see if the school will help with him. Good luck

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, EvenStephen.
Perhaps cleaning his room doesn't make sense to him. I learned to curtail meltdowns by telling my son, "Today I want you to remove all of your white socks and any other white clothing or sheets lying around on your bedroom floor, and put them all in the washing machine. Turn on the washing machine with hot water and use 1/2 cup of soap. (I had to wait until he was tall enough, which was about 5 yrs old. Your son is tall enough I assume.)
"Clean your room" sounds like "Clean up all terrorism in the Middle East" to a kid with-ADHD and ODD.

The next day, it's "Today I want you to spray Green Clean on your floor, wipe it up with paper towels, and throw away the paper towels. Then pick up and throw away all glasses and cans in your room. Be sure to dump them in the sink first."

After a few months of that, he caught on that he was actually cleaning his room, lol!

In regard to cleaning his body, he may have sensory issues. Does he hate showers? My son wouldn't shower until he was nearly a teenager. But he was fine in the tub with toys.
He also had a lot of issues with-going to the bathroom and cleaning up. Imagine an out-of-control toddler in a 10-yr-old's body. Ew.
So I bought WetWipes (made sure there was no baby picture on it!) and showed him how to use them.
Just a couple of ideas.

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome to our corner of the world. One book that may help is The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

As the mom of a now grown son with ADHD/ODD- when he was younger and we had this struggle- I made a game of it. Became a routine. Set a timer, and we all raced to see who could clean the most in X minutes. Maybe 15, maybe 30. Always started in their own respective rooms. Once your room done, move to other parts of house. Clearcut expectations (ADHD/ODD kids MUST know what is expected)- make bed, pick up laundry, nothing on floor, etc.

 

[TerryJ2]

Yes, to reiterate, just what sweetmama said--it must be extremely clear. Make bed, nothing on floor.
For the longest time, my son threw stuff in his closet and shut the door. I can't believe I fell for that!!!