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Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by sweetdixie2, Aug 3, 2013.

  1. sweetdixie2

    sweetdixie2 New Member

    hi...I am new member and from Ottawa Ontario Canada. ...I have had to call the police this morning on my son who is 18 yrs old...its killing me tonite...I cant stop crying and feel terrible I had to tell police to tell my son that he is not allowed back home. He flipped out this morning and it was the last straw. He throws things, punches walls, destroys my furniture..tells me I am a f...... this and that...constantly....I have gone thru all my resources for him...he thinks there is nothing wrong with him...its me..always he acts like he hates me so much ..there is no talking whatsoever..i ask him a question and I am a *****...its been only him and I for 18 yrs and I know I have enabled him..did everything for him and I know he gets mad because I still treat him like my little boy...but still, how can you treat him like an adult when he has temper tantrums like a 3 yr old...he doesn't get it...He sleeps all day, has a 2 day a week job at a gym, takes my CPP disability portion now of my cheq..and doesn't give me nothing for food, etc...I am tired of being an abused mom and finally took action this morning. He has taken me off of facebook..that was a disappointment when I went to see where he is or how he see...I am such an enabler..cant stop thinking how he is, where he is...Thank heavens I have a counsellor apt next week...I need help to stop being a victim of abuse..for all you parents out there...especially moms, as we treat them like our little boys, now he has to fend for will be hard for I did his laundry, almost wiped his butt...I am going to be strong and stick to my will be a hard run as I know because 2 yrs ago...I had to call the police and they or myself didn't kick him out but he thought in his head that we did and he left for 5 mos...called and asked to come home and it was okay for a few weeks until he started again...its killing my heart...I am crying while I type here, its almost 11 pm..don't know where he is, he has no clothes as I left for the day...but I ask God to please send him on the right track, I can say one thing of my enabling, I got him out of bed, drove him to school when he didn't want to go..and he graduated gr 12 and got his diploma. Sometimes the enabling is good for a this is where the confusion comes in for a single I kick him which I have done, let him wake up and smell the roses, or did I do a wrong thing
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the CD board. I moved your post into its own thread so more people will see it and respond. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Many of us have been through the same thing.

    I am glad to see that you are going to a counselor. I started going to a therapist last spring and it has helped me set boundaries and stop enabling my difficult child. There is absolutely no reason you should live with violence in your home. Your son is legally an adult and needs to be out of your house.

    Others will come by with words of encouragement and support. Many of us have had to make our adult children leave our home. It is not easy but has to be done if they are using alcohol/drugs and using and abusing the people that love them.

    Keep posting. It really helps.

  3. sweetdixie2

    sweetdixie2 New Member

    thank you Kathy...woke up looking for some kind of was a hard nite last nite not knowing where he is...I even thought I heard the doorbell..him wanting is a new day and hoping he is thinking reall hard about a new path he has to take in life to be him.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sweetdixie, welcome. I believe you've done the right thing. You do not deserve to be treated the way your son treats you, it is abusive. Enabling is pervasive and difficult to stop because it gets confused with love, but it is not love, it hurts everyone. I am glad you have an appointment with a counselor, most of us require professional help in order to learn how to detach from our adult children. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.

    For many of us there comes a dramatic moment, such as the one you've just experienced with your son, where WE reach the end of our rope. We finally come to grips with the reality of our children and their abusive, negative, violent, unhealthy ways. It is time to change. Change is challenging on us humans, for the most part we are hard wired to resist change. In this particular case, with detachment, it involves our children and our love for them, so we have to make clear distinctions as to what enabling is and how do we stop it. You might try going to a Codependents anonymous meeting, or an al-anon meeting, 12 step groups can be very helpful and provide you with support and tools to change.

    You cannot change your son. You can only change yourself. You can learn to respond differently and not respond when the situation requires that. You must learn to set clear and unbreakable boundaries that you stick to so that your son will know exactly what is expected of him and how you want to be treated. You've trained him to treat you a certain way by allowing his bad behavior, now you have to re-train him. People treat us the way we allow them to, and you've been doing this a long time, both of you are stuck in a negative pattern which is going to require work on your part to change. You will have to do the work, most often our kids don't do anything but respond to the boundaries we set forth. They have no catalyst to change, they use manipulation to get what they want.

    All of that sadness and fear you are feeling is normal. Of course you would feel that. You've taken care of all of his needs for his whole life, now he will have to man-up and take care of himself. You will be surprised at how resourceful our kids turn out to be, they always land on their feet. Now is the time to take care of YOU. One of the most important and destructive components of enablers is that they focus all their energy outside of themselves, onto another, they often forget how to take care of themselves and their own needs. Part of the healing process is to shift the focus off of your son and place it onto yourself where it belongs. Find out what it is that makes YOU happy. Ask yourself what it is that YOU want. Explore these issues in your counseling appointments.

    I found that placing myself in supportive environments as often as possible made this process of detaching much more comfortable and I believe shortened my suffering. I would suggest you not only go to counseling often, but go to those 12 step meetings, read books, find out if there are family anonymous groups or some kind of parent groups for you to attend. The more support you have the better you will feel and the stronger you will be so you can continue to make the tough decisions that are required for you to change this unhealthy, dysfunctional pattern you have going with your son.

    You did not cause this, you cannot control it and you can't fix it. Much of what we feel is powerlessness and in order to stop that awful feeling we continue jumping in to save our children. We have to be strong enough to ride out those feelings so we can get to the other side and learn how to accept what we cannot change. This is a process. It takes time. It is NOT easy. But you can do it, you can find peace and get to a place where you can once again enjoy your life in spite of what your son, or anyone else in your life is doing or not doing. I suggest you continue posting here, it helps a lot and there are many who completely 'get' what you are going through.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If this is about drugs/alcohol...or if you suspect it is (I do--that sleeping all day is a red flag), I'd go to narc-anon or Al-Anon to learn how to detach. You do not deserve to be treated that way and your son is too old for your interference to help him. It is up to him now. We can not control other people, just ourselves, and WE have a right to live happy lives even if we have children who can't or won't.

    You are not going to be able to change your son. You won't know where he is, whether he sleeps at home sometimes or not because he isn't going to tell you and he's a legal adult a nd doesn't have to. Knowing that you worry, it is very inconsiderate of him not to check in with you. Your house, your rules as long as he lives there or you may have to seriously consider making him leave for good. Spell out the behavior you expect in order for him to live in your home. See if he will accept it. If not, consider giving him a time slot in which he can find a new place to stay or not find one, but he has to leave by that date. Most of our adult kids are amazing as far as being able to find places to stay, even if it's one couch to another couch.

    If you are paying for his car insurance, cell phone, etc....I'd cut it off now. Why does he take YOUR money? That's stealing. Lock up your money in a safe place and don't allow him to have it.

    The more I type, the more I think he is probably doing so much harm to you that it would be healthier for both of you if he left. You need some sort of therapy to learn how to move on with your life in spite of him and his self-destruction and abuse toward you. It's not your fault and his behavior...he owns it, you don't. Huggggz and keep posting here.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring hugs your way. Yeah, I'm another emotionally invested parent. It sounds like you waited "too long" to take self protective steps BUT you did it. It doesn't feel good. Your heart is heavy and full of pain and self doubt BUT you did it........and it was the right choice. Find local support and post here helps ease the pain. DDD
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi sweetdixie,

    Just wanted to be another here to welcome you to the board...but I am sorry you are in so much pain right now.

    I get it, I truly do...the treating them like they are a little child. I think I have been guilty of this for a long long time now with my middle son. I have 2 boys and a daughter and my middle is a mess.

    You know I used to say while raising my children "I am raising my grandchildren's parents". And truly I thought I did alot of right things...but now I have grandchildren that are without a father because he puts drugs and alcohol before their needs. And so I question where I went wrong too. But all we have is here and now to work with...and it sounds like you have taken a first step in cutting that umbilical chord... It is time for them to grow up and quit abusing/using everyone that loves them.

    Hope you will keep posting.
    caring thoughts,