Good talk with my al-anon friends, my sister and my therapist yesterday. Here is what I have recognized. I want to share it here because many of you have kindly walked my path with me and may see something I do not. A lot of these words below are straight from my therapist. 1. That although I feel alone, difficult child hasn't been here for me for years. Examples - He was often rude, absent or even hateful during my cancer treatments. He 'forgot' holidays or ruined them. Etc. 2. That difficult child wants to punish me. What better way to do that than to use people who have hurt me before? 3. difficult child was first diagnosed with ADHD at age 3. Since we saw improvement after anti-depressant use and he isn't on them now, he is likely depressed right now and adding substances which further depress him. We do not know what drugs he has used or how addicted he is nor what damage he may have done to his still developing brain. These things are all interacting in his system. 4. To make things worse, I've been told he could be anti-social. Last April, the rehab did an extensive battery of psy tests at my request. difficult child refused to allow me to see the results. However, they did not recommend medication nor continued therapy when he was released. Only sober house, AA, etc. They had the benefit of a month inpatient to observe him. Therapist believes the results were anti-social cause there is no medication/treatment plan for anti-social like there would be for bipolar, etc. 5. That most likely this great reunion with bio dad, etc. will be a short term thing. There will be a honeymoon phase and then difficult child will show his true colors. They won't hang in there with someone with all those problems. 6. That I did my best as difficult child's mother with love and everything I had. Something went wrong with him. I love my child, I did my best. I have no defense against a liar. 7. I have to get out of this craziness and be sane. I should not have contact w difficult child at this time nor until he is totally ready to accept extensive help. I'm going to the therapist every week until I can find and keep some peace. I don't care what it costs. I got the check from selling difficult child's car (which I bought) yesterday. I figure fixing me is a good use for that money.