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Parent Emeritus
New to board, so many issues--need clarity
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 634049" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Origami, isn't it nutty, how one day we sit up and look around and everything is completely out of control. Our home has even been taken over. How in the world did we get to this place?</p><p></p><p>Yesterday, I just started laughing at the lunacy of it all. It was actually funny, for just a few minutes. </p><p></p><p>Just like I do right now, you gotta a whole lotta crazy stuff going on. The difference is, it's going on right in your house, which should be your sanctuary.</p><p></p><p>You need a sanctuary, with your 27 year old son and your 17 year old son, and now your daughter in law and your grandchildren. You deserve a sanctuary, Origami. </p><p></p><p>If you can, and if you are ready, start making a plan. You and husband have to be on the same page. At the top of the piece of paper write: Plan for Me and husband. </p><p></p><p>This is not a plan for difficult children or daughter in law or grandchildren. This is a plan for you and husband to, for starters, reclaim your home. </p><p></p><p>Set a time limit on when they will move out. Make it reasonable. One of my key thoughts is: is this reasonable? Just because difficult children are unreasonable, doesn't mean it's okay for us to be unreasonable. You want to be able to look in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>Write down a date 30 or 60 or 90 days from now, whatever you and husband are comfortable with. Think about it. Pray about it. Talk about it. Because once you tell it to difficult child and daughter in law, you have to stick to it. No matter what. No matter what craziness occurs, you have to back up what you say. If you don't, you're sunk. You've taught them once again you don't mean what you say. </p><p></p><p>So, pick the date. And then tell them the date.</p><p></p><p>On this day, you will need to be out of our house. It's up to you where you go, and I'm sure you will be able to figure it out and make good decisions for yourselves. </p><p></p><p>Don't solve it for them. Don't sit and go over endlessly every possibility with them. They are grown people. They will figure it out. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Make sure they know you mean business.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, like someone else posted, make a list of the new house rules. Sit down and discuss them with difficult child and daughter in law. Post them on the refrigerator. They are effective immediately. Smile when you say it, it doesn't have to be punitive or mean. Keep them short and simple---don't write a book because you can't keep track of it and neither can they. You might put down the top six things you most want to change around there. One piece of paper. Short and simple. </p><p></p><p>When they break the house rules, just say, hey come here for a minute. Let's look at this list together again. These things aren't happening. They need to happen or we will need to move up the date for you to move out. </p><p></p><p>Once you have a plan, you will feel better. You will know there is an end to this. </p><p></p><p>Origami, then, once you do these things, start working on yourself. You have a drug addict for a son and you are going to need lots of help dealing with that. Assemble your toolbox and start using your tools every single day. As you get stronger, you will feel better. Your thinking and your attitude will start to change. You will start feeling more and more like you are on level ground.</p><p></p><p>It's time for things to change. You deserve better. And Origami, you can't save them. They are grown people. They will have to save themselves.</p><p></p><p>Take what you like here, and leave the rest. We are always here for you. We get it. Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 634049, member: 17542"] Origami, isn't it nutty, how one day we sit up and look around and everything is completely out of control. Our home has even been taken over. How in the world did we get to this place? Yesterday, I just started laughing at the lunacy of it all. It was actually funny, for just a few minutes. Just like I do right now, you gotta a whole lotta crazy stuff going on. The difference is, it's going on right in your house, which should be your sanctuary. You need a sanctuary, with your 27 year old son and your 17 year old son, and now your daughter in law and your grandchildren. You deserve a sanctuary, Origami. If you can, and if you are ready, start making a plan. You and husband have to be on the same page. At the top of the piece of paper write: Plan for Me and husband. This is not a plan for difficult children or daughter in law or grandchildren. This is a plan for you and husband to, for starters, reclaim your home. Set a time limit on when they will move out. Make it reasonable. One of my key thoughts is: is this reasonable? Just because difficult children are unreasonable, doesn't mean it's okay for us to be unreasonable. You want to be able to look in the mirror. Write down a date 30 or 60 or 90 days from now, whatever you and husband are comfortable with. Think about it. Pray about it. Talk about it. Because once you tell it to difficult child and daughter in law, you have to stick to it. No matter what. No matter what craziness occurs, you have to back up what you say. If you don't, you're sunk. You've taught them once again you don't mean what you say. So, pick the date. And then tell them the date. On this day, you will need to be out of our house. It's up to you where you go, and I'm sure you will be able to figure it out and make good decisions for yourselves. Don't solve it for them. Don't sit and go over endlessly every possibility with them. They are grown people. They will figure it out. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Make sure they know you mean business. In the meantime, like someone else posted, make a list of the new house rules. Sit down and discuss them with difficult child and daughter in law. Post them on the refrigerator. They are effective immediately. Smile when you say it, it doesn't have to be punitive or mean. Keep them short and simple---don't write a book because you can't keep track of it and neither can they. You might put down the top six things you most want to change around there. One piece of paper. Short and simple. When they break the house rules, just say, hey come here for a minute. Let's look at this list together again. These things aren't happening. They need to happen or we will need to move up the date for you to move out. Once you have a plan, you will feel better. You will know there is an end to this. Origami, then, once you do these things, start working on yourself. You have a drug addict for a son and you are going to need lots of help dealing with that. Assemble your toolbox and start using your tools every single day. As you get stronger, you will feel better. Your thinking and your attitude will start to change. You will start feeling more and more like you are on level ground. It's time for things to change. You deserve better. And Origami, you can't save them. They are grown people. They will have to save themselves. Take what you like here, and leave the rest. We are always here for you. We get it. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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