New to forum - 2 addicted adult kids

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by 2 times the heartache, May 8, 2017.

  1. I am new to the site and have not posted anything. I just read the past few days. Tonight, I came to post to get comfort as my son is in the streets and calling. EVERYTHING that I am reading in response to your post has been comforting to me because I KNOW that they are all right. I have two addicted adults...34 and 38 and they have been drug addicts for 7 and 5 years respectively. Anyway...after TRYING for so long with both, having them in and out, begging their step father to give them one more chance as "this might be the time", I have resigned myself to the fact that only they can help themselves. As others post, there are places that they can get help. My son was a compulsive gambler before drugs. He fought hard, went to rehab twice and never beat it until he found comfort in drugs. Both are very bad but he's not in his right mind on drugs so I think they are worse. Reading your post sounded so much like my daughter (38). A car we bought her is sitting in our yard for 5 months now. I paid the towing service when she went to jail for having paraphernalia and drugs in it just so she wouldn't lose it. She came to live here, went through withdrawal, got a little job and as soon as she got her tax refund, she was at it again. We have spent thousands and thousands for naught but the worse is the tears, heartache, worry and stress I have expended. It has put stress on both mine and their dad's marriages when they were living here and there. Jail was a killer with worry for safety and when he was beaten in there, I almost lost it. My FAITH has helped me tremendously. I pray all the time and it helps. I truly understand your pain. I had an epiphany just a few weeks ago and it may help you. I realized that I can give them comfort. She was staying in a roach motel, calling cause she hadn't eaten in days and for a sweater or jacket as the weather got cool. He was walking the streets by day, going to the library to use the computer, hanging in a horrible drug neighborhood and sleeping in somebody's car or in the street. Usually, I deal with one or the other. When he was in jail, she was staying here...when he got out and was with his dad, she was back in the street and that sort of thing but the last 3 weeks was the first double whammy with their homelessness. Anyway, the weather was very bad that night with tornado warnings, etc. I cried and cried and prayed and prayed and wanted to just go get my baby girl and my little boy but....epiphany....I can give them comfort...I can give them a roof, food, clothes but I AM NOT HELPING THEM. I have dealt with this long enough to know that COMFORT is not what they need. As others say....ONLY WHEN THEY are ready will they really try to get help. He left the comfort of his dad's home at 9:00 p.m. to be on the street as he wanted drugs. He said it was not that and that sitting in a room all day at his dad's was like jail but ...he wanted his drugs. They upset you so much that his dad called 911 and was advised that the best thing to do was let him go, cut the cord. His dad bought him a bus ticket to the city as he was about 75 miles away. He had left a couple of weeks prior but he came back and dad let him as he had a court date he wanted him to keep. Well, this time when he wanted to go back, it was NO. Sorry to be so winded but telling you all of this is actually therapy for me. It reaffirms that we have done all we could and that now we know that only they can change their lives. Sadly, both have 2 children living with their other parent. It breaks my heart when my daughter's little girl sees me on Face Time and is disappointed as I'm not mommy. She thinks she is still here. She can't wait to spend summer with me (not for me but to see "Mommy") My son's son has had a lot of trouble in school this year with his dad in jail. We told him he was away working on himself but his not receiving a call at all was not normal and he struggles with behavior issues. He broke my heart when he told me I didn't need to get him anything for his birthday because all he wanted was to see daddy. Both of mine had great jobs. He struggled financially regardless due to drugs. Baby daddy and the kids helped keep my daughter. grounded but when they split up, it was the beginning of the end. My son introduced her to heroin. He had been on pain pills for a surgery and said he liked the feeling as they made him forget about gambling. When he couldn't get them legally, he bought them on the street and that got expensive until somebody suggested Heroin. It's cheaper but.....Oh, sooo bad. To see them lose their jobs, their homes , THEIR CHILDREN has been emotionally exhausting. When they took the drugs over the children, the severity hit me....the feeling of hopelessness for them and for me set in.
    EVERY SINGLE THING everyone is saying is true and please heed the advice to take care of yourself and to put yourself first. Please do it sooner than later as I did. I'm not going to lie. I brought her food yesterday and brought him a change of clothes today but....I definitely don't enable them. I am strong enough now to see them walking down the street, away from me, with nothing; even though I still cry all the way home. I don't give them money.
    YOU need to decide what you can do to help, i.e. I take their clothes and wash them, I buy them food but....I do it while I'm out doing something else. I don't jump up to give them a ride or bring them something. I give him $2 for bus fare some time. I keep the few things they have left here as they can't carry everything around and they will leave it.
    Be careful that your daughter. doesn't manipulate you. Sadly, I have no trust as they have lied so many times, played my heartstrings so many times, ran the guilt trip on me so many times that I am numb to....this might be the time. I resigned myself to the fact that they must find a way to make it, that they chose how they are living. I used to make excuses like they are sick or they have mental health issues. I believe that they do but....again, NOTHING we have done repeatedly has really helped them or made them accept that they have a problem. After all of that, he says that "he used to be sick" and she says that "I don't need that" about their situations in relation to their drug use. They expect me to BELIEVE that they aren't using.
    Lastly....Ask yourself why you are the only one who can help her. Just as others point out....there are social service agencies, rehabs, etc. who will help. If she really wants help and can't get it from you, she can get it elsewhere. I have made every excuse I can think of, i.e. "she has a learning disability","her credit score is bad", "she can only earn minimum wage" (my excuses are both similar and some different but...they are excuses) and won't change anything. They may not be excuses....they are reality have to work with what you have. There are programs for persons with those same SITUATIONS. You say yourself.....she hasn't tried to better her situation with you isn't helping her. It's hard, very hard to see your child like that but she is an adult. I have taken comfort in the thought that there are many in war torn countries who watch their children wither with hunger, who sleep in the elements, who have no shoes, etc. It is their life and it's not because they didn't take advantage of help that someone offered, it's not because they LOST a better life because of's just an obstacle that they were given to overcome.
    Again, I apologize for being so winded. I realize that while trying to comfort you, I am comforting myself. Best Wishes....Hugs and Prayers. Please take care of yourself FIRST and do what you can for your grandchildren as they are innocent and unable to care for themselves...they are truly the NEEDY. Blessings!
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    2 times the heartache, Hi and Welcome. Please, please message Runaway Bunny who is the site administrator and ask her to copy this post onto a new thread for you. People will not see it here. Take care.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    2 times, your heart just poured out of you. I could feel your raw emotion. I agree with Copa that maybe a moderator or Runaway Bunny can make this a stand alone post. I am very much feeling your pain and the hard choices you have made. Please dont be afraid to keep posting.
  4. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Thank you for pointing out this post @SomewhereOutThere and @Copabanana. I split it off into it's own thread.

    I wholeheartedly agree that taking care of yourself first is essential. Struggling parents can lose sight of their own well being while being consumed by their children's poor choices.

    You are in an impossible situation. Hang in there, you are not alone.

    ::gentle hug::
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I felt the hurt here. Please,,,so many wise folks here. She could use all of us collective wisdom and encouragemet.

    2, i think you are totally brave and on the right track and it is is very hard. So hard. We get it. We have all been through a lot.

    2, this is tough...but dont see your daughter as your baby girl nor your son as your little boy. See them as they are...tall, with adult features, lower voices...see them as a man and a woman. The more you think of them as "my babies" the less capable you will think they are. And they will go to you as children needing rescue. We play our roles.

    They were babies thirty years ago and in your heart you wont forget that ever. But society sees them and will treat them as their true age. Allow your struggling adult children the loving gift of allowing them to grow up. Or not. But let THEM decide and learn. None of us can live forever. They must go their own ways. You may want to give them tje addresses of shelters and food pantries. No need to buy anything for them. There are clothes donated to homeless shelters. I volunteered at one once. Not so trendy but unemployed drug users dont need new clothes. We also gave out shoes, boots and blankets, coats etc. I personally would not buy food. There are plenty of free food places. They can walk to get it. To me THAT is enablinhlg snd unnecessary. I wouldnt let a drug user live under my roof either or do their laundry...not until they are clean...and then tjey wont ask for things from you.

    Live a wonderful rest of your life. You matter. A lot! You cant be young. Your kids are middle age. How old do they have to be before you force them to do what most midfle age k8ds have been doing for over a decade?

    Love and light. I do get it but its your time to have fun. You raised your kids. Now they need to get clean or not. They are too old to be asking for anything from you if they continue to use drugs. Let them hit rock bottom.

    Why dont you take s vacation or move away? For yourself!!! :)
    Last edited: May 9, 2017
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome 2 times. I am so very sorry for your pain. It is so difficult to watch our kids destroy their lives. You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. The children, that breaks my heart. They don't understand, they just want mom and dad.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    2 times the heartache. I was afraid to read your post. And I did, and it uplifted me. Let me explain.

    First let me say this: I type this with a keyboard broken for 2 weeks. I am looking for sympathy here.

    That said: Your quote above reminds me of something somebody recently posted. I believe it was wisernow, who is wise, indeed. That she accepted that she was not her child's higher power and that is what changed for her. That to step in and to act like she could change anything or improve anything for her ADULT child was to act like g-d.

    But this is what was so powerful for me reading your post, how it relates to me in relation to myself. I have been depressed off and on for almost 4 years since my mother's death. Each time I cycle back I am more despondent than before because I judge myself so harshly for not being "cured." Each time I hit bottom I feel more despair believing that each bottom is 'proof I will always stay there. I am seeing now that that is the message that I have been refusing to learn. That part of me needs to be a "bottom feeder." I do not know why that term comes to mind but here it is.

    What I am able to grab hold on in reading your post is that I am acting like the higher power in my own life, in relationship to myself. I am there with a club beating myself for not doing better; disciplining myself for failing at this and that, believing that I have the power to set the terms of my life and set the standards. I do not. That is what I am seeing a glimpse of reading your post.

    When I read what you wrote I found myself thinking this: maybe I do not have to die to escape my pain. Maybe I can take drugs. If it works for this lady's children, maybe it will work for me. And then of course I reflected: I could not do that to my child.

    And then the awareness: how can I do this to myself; have a relationship with myself so brutal that I want heroin to escape what happens inside of me. There is the sense I have that there is an abuse of power going on. Not only am I acting as if I am a higher power over myself. In a sense I am defying the divine, acting above it.

    I am grateful to you for allowing me this little bit of peace.

    I guess this is the clearest I have been about what it would be to have a relationship with a higher power that was able to protect me from unmerciful battering by my ego. Thank you.
  8. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    My son was homeless at one point. Its heartbreaking. I thought i would die i didnt. My son is a drug addict, i thought i would die i didnt my son went to prison, thought i would die i didnt. You can handle this as i have. Take care of yourself FIRST
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  9. Thisby

    Thisby New Member

    I have never posted before now, either. I just wanted to let you know your post was really helpful to me. My difficult son (only one, of two) is trying a new life in a different town. I thought it would be a little easier on me but of course now he is calling all the time. Complaining. Berating me. Saying I'm evil. And I am supporting him wholly at the moment. He's about to turn 26. I've told him this is the last time. And I mean it. Or at least I think I do! This is so hard. I hope you have a good day tomorrow.
  10. Thanks to everyone who posted here. This is my first time back this week and it's been a rough one. I told a couple of people how much this site and reading your posts had helped me. I even told their father about it as he said his Dr. suggested he obtain counseling. Anyway....I ran a few times this week to get clothes and bring food. I say I had a rough week because of that as each time I left them on the street, I cried and prayed all the way home and was despondent. I should have come back and read some more as the first time was so comforting to me. Well....I am sure glad that I came back as the support here is phenomenal for me. The thought that my words could be useful to someone else @Copabanana was extremely comforting. It's 2 a.m. and I think I can go to sleep now. I have been questioning and praying about whether there is something else I should be doing. I have been searching the internet for rooms for rent that I may help them, spending a lot of time on them....still. In my heart, I know that is enabling. I said I was going to take care of myself and.....I haven't been doing a good job so far's actually an improvement over what I WAS doing steps. Thanks @SomewhereOutThere for the reaffirmation that they are adults...adults who have been very negligent and irresponsible in their own parenting . I realized that I WAS and still AM a good parent. They were truly blessed as children and received more nurturing than they have shown their own children...not to mention support and stability. Again....thank you all for your support and your wisdom. I think that I may just take a vacation @SomewhereOutThere . I actually lied to my son and told him that I was planning a trip. I felt guilty but I was telling him that as I planned to tell my husband to tell him I was on a vacation when he called.

    I guess I could use some Advice about that. I tell them to let me know how they are doing but when they do, It brings me down. I don't think I would want them in the street and not hearing from them at all. Does that get better with time, do they stop calling as much when you stop doing ANYTHING for them? Is it better to not know where they are? I haven't had to deal with that yet. I believe I have been pretty strong in that I haven't let them come back and I don't give them money (except $2-$3 for bus and phone). I also told my son today that there was nothing else I could do for him and suggested a rehab that he had previously gone to (non profit). His old sponsor had suggested that he go there for a month. I told him that he, like me always wanted to think that this might be the time but that he had to do something to prove it this time. I struggle with the idea that he is walking the street alone, killing time at the library, going to a center to eat, etc. and basically has NOTHING. He says that he is applying for jobs can he work being homeless? He said he hadn't used in a week but I suggested that it's more because he has no money than he wants to quit.

    Again...THANK YOU so much for the support and wisdom. I will be visiting regularly from now on!
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You are doing so well! Now its time to take care of YOU.

    I think its better not to ask how they are doing partly because drug addicts dont tell the truth. Its part of the illness. They want you to pity them so you will still give them money snd more, most of which is used on drugs. Drigs make one not hungry. They are not starving. Most drug addicts look like twigs. They use instead of eat. But the sneakiest of our adult offspring know exactly how to elicit guilt from us and being hungry can get them money for drugs. You dont like to think of your adult son eating in a shelter? He chose this. He has nothing? Well, gee, most who use drugs and dont work have nothing. He knows this and chooses this. What does he expect? A car to drive intoxicated in and maybe kill himself or somebody else? An apartment on your dime? If he is using drugs he will party there and destroy it and get thrown out and, unless you are very rich, you go broke taking this adult and treating him as though he cant get clean and do what is right. It sends a message. "You cant do it. You need mommy to help."

    As an alternative here us a possible conversation you can have:

    Him: im homeless. The shelters suck and I have to stay in the library to be comfortsble.cant you rent me simething? I havent slept for days! ( THESE COULD WELL BE SYMPATHY LIES)

    You: (less is more with these adults) you are smart and capable and I know you can figure it out.

    Him: bleep! Youre the worse mother ever. You turned your back on me.

    You; i see you are upset. I am getting off now and will talk to you when you calm down in a few days. Bye. Love you. (Get off and dont further engage)

    Do similar in texting.

    My daughter would never have quit if she had had me and her dad, my ex, paying for her comfort. She told us so.

    This is something i drum home to parents. I have been on this forum for 15 years and some adults quit using. It is ALWAYS after we stop our material involvement in their lives. They dont quit on our dimes and while we are too involved in what they do, which we cant really know anyway. Our rent doesnt help them. Our food doesnt help them. A car? A way for them to die and kill others. Hard living for these ADULTS is far more effective.

    Your adult off spring could have joined the military, worked full time, had a family, been thriving by now as most their ages are. They chose to be adult drug addicts and others see them as adults who chose addiction over normal life. I assume they are able bodied. Well? They could chose to quit and work. They are less apt to as long as you make sure they have the basics. Its easier if you drive to give them clothes than if they walk to the Salvation Army for clean clothes. Why make it easy? A good walk is healthy. They are no longer little boys and are still young enough where rain and snow wont hurt them.if they feel they can survive heroin, they certainly can survive a healthy walk even in the cold.

    Stop seeing them as little. They are tall with lower voices and the men have facial hair. Take down any pictures of little Joe when he wa a smiley ten year old. He is no longer close to being that little boy. See him as he is today. How he was doesnt matter in the present. Thinking about his nasty life doesnt help you or him. If you suffer it doesnt make him better.

    You do not need to suffer or to even read their pathetic, pleading text messages. You can chose to detach. Detaching means you still love them, but let go of their drama and choices. If you have A God, give your adult offspring to God. Pray. Thats all you can do

    Get that therapist sooner rather than later. You deserve wondeeful golden years. Most adult children start to worry about their parents as they age. 6o year olds dont normally still worry about 30, 40 year old middle aged adults. But the adults who bring us here are selfish

    Drug users have no room for love or empathy for us.its buried behind the disease. They care about making sure they have their drug, even if they must sell drugs themselves, steal precious heirlooms from us or sometines even mug other people. This is not who they were pre-drugs, but drug changes the brain. This is your adult offspring on drugs. I urge you to learn to detach, not stop loving, but to detach from their messes. And learn to say no to them and yes to yourself. Let their choices and problems go like a hot air balloon. Let go. Buy a balloon and symolically let go of the string and watch it disappear.

    Absolutely take vscations. You dont help be adults by not having fun. You do not have to be misersble because they wont grow up and get clean. You are not them. They are not you. You have different paths.

    Many blessings.
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    Last edited: May 13, 2017
  12. Thanks so much @SomewhereOutThere for the time you spent to send me these wise words. Of course the weekend was rough being Mother's Day. My son called early to wish me a HMD and say he had a card for me. I couldn't meet him as my husband made plans for us and I had my grand daughter. over. The first thing my husband said was "where did he get money for a card, he probably stole it". I don't think about that, I was thinking that it was nice. This morning, I heard from my daughter with HMD. She called from a hospital so I answered. I had caller ID but asked where she was and she said the hospital. I asked what happened and she said nothing. She said she was exhausted and had walked the entire day yesterday so went there and up to the 6th floor waiting area and stayed all night. She said she couldn't sleep much but nobody asked her who she was there for or put her out and it was more comfortable than concrete. She said that the phone I have paid for since she was in college fell into a culvert and got wet and didn't work. I asked about her "welfare phone" and she said it was lost. I knew she had loaned it to her brother when staying here for a few days and then took it back and gave it to the young guy she hangs with and does drugs with. I told her she needed to see about getting it replaced. She wanted to come get her illegal car and I told her no as I paid to get it out of impound and was not about to have it towed again. You know how the story went and eventually, she hung up on me.
    You know the funny son is better but that is the FIRST time in several years that she has called to wish me HMD. In all her adult life, I got a gift maybe 3 times and that's when we were helping her financially and she had two incomes. That's what bothers my husband the most and I FINALLY hurts but I understand. He always said that she could make a card or call at minimum. I also realized that even at his lowest, he always managed to at least call to say Happy Birthday or Happy Mother's Day and he generally tells me how appreciative he is of anything I do. We'll see how that goes now that I have drastically cut down on doing and giving and plan to further reduce any response at all.

    Thanks also for reinforcing what I know in my heart but forget when I am pining for them. I actually do feel a little better EVERY DAY and this site has helped me tremendously to do that. Just as you do, I have made a promise to myself to pay it forward and to continue to be here and share for others who may need the support I have found here. Earlier today as I prayed, I did just as you mentioned....I gave it to God. Maybe one day, I will be able to say how wonderful they are both doing. Of course both say that they have not used.....him in over a week and her for over a month. My thought on that is.....because you have no money or because you really want to quit. I have to say that he stole from us a couple of times but it has been years and we didn't miss a thing the last two times he stayed here. She has never stolen from us to my knowledge, except a bottle of wine but that was before her drug days. They generally are able to abstain. Money is their trigger...they do worse when they have jobs but.....they haven't been homeless until recently. They were fine with a minimum wage job that wasn't even full time because they could use and still have the comforts of "home". I read that they call that "chipping". I guess I would consider them both chippers. As soon as they have money however.....IT ALL GOES TO DRUGS. I realize that this says to me that they are still addicts and that if I care for them at all while they are not caring for their children that I am enabling. It's just sad because you said it ....they are more able bodied than many with all the tools. I know that I have helped way too much and they both seem to be afraid of life.

    I do still cry and feel down but it's baby steps and I continue to move forward a little bit each day. I believe that the most important point you make is that I must DETACH. The more I am able to do that, the better it gets for me.

    Thanks again for listening, Thanks again for responding and Thanks for your commitment to this site.
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