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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 711980" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>2 times the heartache. I was afraid to read your post. And I did, and it uplifted me. Let me explain.</p><p></p><p>First let me say this: I type this with a keyboard broken for 2 weeks. I am looking for sympathy here.</p><p></p><p>That said: Your quote above reminds me of something somebody recently posted. I believe it was wisernow, who is wise, indeed. That she accepted that she was not her child's higher power and that is what changed for her. That to step in and to act like she could change anything or improve anything for her ADULT child was to act like g-d.</p><p></p><p>But this is what was so powerful for me reading your post, how it relates to me in relation to myself. I have been depressed off and on for almost 4 years since my mother's death. Each time I cycle back I am more despondent than before because I judge myself so harshly for not being "cured." Each time I hit bottom I feel more despair believing that each bottom is 'proof I will always stay there. I am seeing now that that is the message that I have been refusing to learn. That part of me needs to be a "bottom feeder." I do not know why that term comes to mind but here it is.</p><p></p><p>What I am able to grab hold on in reading your post is that I am acting like the higher power in my own life, in relationship to myself. I am there with a club beating myself for not doing better; disciplining myself for failing at this and that, believing that I have the power to set the terms of my life and set the standards. I do not. That is what I am seeing a glimpse of reading your post.</p><p></p><p>When I read what you wrote I found myself thinking this: <em>maybe I do not have to die to escape my pain. Maybe I can take drugs. If it works for this lady's children, maybe it will work for me.</em> And then of course I reflected: <em>I could not do that to my child.</em></p><p></p><p>And then the awareness: <em>how can I do this to myself; have a relationship with myself so brutal that I want heroin to escape what happens inside of me.</em> There is the sense I have that there is an abuse of power going on. Not only am I acting as if I am a higher power over myself. In a sense I am defying the divine, acting above it.</p><p></p><p>I am grateful to you for allowing me this little bit of peace.</p><p></p><p>I guess this is the clearest I have been about what it would be to have a relationship with a higher power that was able to protect me from unmerciful battering by my ego. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 711980, member: 18958"] 2 times the heartache. I was afraid to read your post. And I did, and it uplifted me. Let me explain. First let me say this: I type this with a keyboard broken for 2 weeks. I am looking for sympathy here. That said: Your quote above reminds me of something somebody recently posted. I believe it was wisernow, who is wise, indeed. That she accepted that she was not her child's higher power and that is what changed for her. That to step in and to act like she could change anything or improve anything for her ADULT child was to act like g-d. But this is what was so powerful for me reading your post, how it relates to me in relation to myself. I have been depressed off and on for almost 4 years since my mother's death. Each time I cycle back I am more despondent than before because I judge myself so harshly for not being "cured." Each time I hit bottom I feel more despair believing that each bottom is 'proof I will always stay there. I am seeing now that that is the message that I have been refusing to learn. That part of me needs to be a "bottom feeder." I do not know why that term comes to mind but here it is. What I am able to grab hold on in reading your post is that I am acting like the higher power in my own life, in relationship to myself. I am there with a club beating myself for not doing better; disciplining myself for failing at this and that, believing that I have the power to set the terms of my life and set the standards. I do not. That is what I am seeing a glimpse of reading your post. When I read what you wrote I found myself thinking this: [I]maybe I do not have to die to escape my pain. Maybe I can take drugs. If it works for this lady's children, maybe it will work for me.[/I] And then of course I reflected: [I]I could not do that to my child.[/I] And then the awareness: [I]how can I do this to myself; have a relationship with myself so brutal that I want heroin to escape what happens inside of me.[/I] There is the sense I have that there is an abuse of power going on. Not only am I acting as if I am a higher power over myself. In a sense I am defying the divine, acting above it. I am grateful to you for allowing me this little bit of peace. I guess this is the clearest I have been about what it would be to have a relationship with a higher power that was able to protect me from unmerciful battering by my ego. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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