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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 643747" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Note: As a student and believer of much of Buddhism, I'm not so sure attachment is good. I can love my daughter to pieces without being attached at her hip, for example. Still working on that one. At any rate, I'm positive that radical acceptance is the only way to be happy and content and to let go of what hurts you so that YOU benefit. Radical acceptance is not to let others get away with hurting you, whether it is your great aunt Nellie, your mother, you abusive father or your own adult child who does abuse you and disappoints. It is about accepting them, which makes it easy to not be so emotionally tied to them. They are as they were made to be and we can let go of how they behave. To me, the winner is us...if we choose revenge or anger or constant stress and rumination over how to fix a person, the loser is always us.</p><p></p><p>I'm going to post the way I now think about other people in order to let go of them emotionally and, yes, I do meditation exercises too, which have helped.</p><p></p><p>Aunt Nellie is always sticking her nose in my business and talking about me to others. I find out. I have a choice. I can heave anger in my bosom and yell at her or hold t he anger in OR I can take a deep breath and think, "Of course Aunt Nellie did that. It's the way she is. Why am I susprised? If I want to interact with her at all, this is what she will do. There is no point getting all upse baout this since I know how s he is. Maybe I will think about not having so much time with Aunt Nellie. If necessary I will decide not to see her at all, but not as a punishment to her. As a healing device for ME. And I don't need to be angry now. She is who she is. I accept it."</p><p></p><p>Ok, so our child. Our adult child calls us all sorts of names and blames us for his cruddy life. How can we think about HIM or HER? I have done this. I can't believe how successful it has been for me, but it has also helped HIM. I do not know if it will always help the adult child, but once MY son realized he had lost the control to upset me, he backed off and now is nice to me 80% of the time. It is quite pleasant. </p><p></p><p>This is what I decided to think regarding him. </p><p></p><p>"I accept that he can be very mean and abusive and manipulative especially when under pressure. And, although he mostly does this when he is in crisis, I am a valuable and worthwhile person who has done all I can for him all of his life. It is not ok to abuse me just because he is having a hard time. I choose not to allow his abuse, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. I choose to tell him that if he raises his voice at me, cusses at me, calls me a name, or blames me for his own problems, even from the past, I will gently hang up the phone until we can have a more mature chat...adult to adult. I will act on what I tell him. If I have to hang up one hundred times before he gets it, I will. If I have to hang up sometimes all of our lives, I will do so. My own physical and mental health are precious to me, and I am no good to myself or my loved ones if I allow others to stomp all over me. So I am going to take care of myself. In the bargain, maybe I will live longer so that I can be there longer for my son when he is being reasonable and needs me, which does happen. Plus I want to dance at my granddaughter's wedding. I won't be able to do that unless I detach with love and love myself as I do my children. I will not take his words personally if I hear them, because I know he is just that way under pressure, but that doesn't make me have to hear him either."</p><p></p><p>And so I did it. </p><p></p><p>How I think now. "Not taking on their emotions is possible. Not reacting back in kind makes me feel like I saved myself a lot of energy. Not believing his words when angry or refusing to hear them has made me feel good about myself, like I finally matter to me. And he seems to respect me more, which is an odd side effect of it. I know what he is like. But I can choose how to respond to his behavior. I have 100% power over myself. I feel good about how I have taken back my power yet still not completely cut off my son. I think I'll go watch a great movie with my beloved, kind husband."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 643747, member: 1550"] Note: As a student and believer of much of Buddhism, I'm not so sure attachment is good. I can love my daughter to pieces without being attached at her hip, for example. Still working on that one. At any rate, I'm positive that radical acceptance is the only way to be happy and content and to let go of what hurts you so that YOU benefit. Radical acceptance is not to let others get away with hurting you, whether it is your great aunt Nellie, your mother, you abusive father or your own adult child who does abuse you and disappoints. It is about accepting them, which makes it easy to not be so emotionally tied to them. They are as they were made to be and we can let go of how they behave. To me, the winner is us...if we choose revenge or anger or constant stress and rumination over how to fix a person, the loser is always us. I'm going to post the way I now think about other people in order to let go of them emotionally and, yes, I do meditation exercises too, which have helped. Aunt Nellie is always sticking her nose in my business and talking about me to others. I find out. I have a choice. I can heave anger in my bosom and yell at her or hold t he anger in OR I can take a deep breath and think, "Of course Aunt Nellie did that. It's the way she is. Why am I susprised? If I want to interact with her at all, this is what she will do. There is no point getting all upse baout this since I know how s he is. Maybe I will think about not having so much time with Aunt Nellie. If necessary I will decide not to see her at all, but not as a punishment to her. As a healing device for ME. And I don't need to be angry now. She is who she is. I accept it." Ok, so our child. Our adult child calls us all sorts of names and blames us for his cruddy life. How can we think about HIM or HER? I have done this. I can't believe how successful it has been for me, but it has also helped HIM. I do not know if it will always help the adult child, but once MY son realized he had lost the control to upset me, he backed off and now is nice to me 80% of the time. It is quite pleasant. This is what I decided to think regarding him. "I accept that he can be very mean and abusive and manipulative especially when under pressure. And, although he mostly does this when he is in crisis, I am a valuable and worthwhile person who has done all I can for him all of his life. It is not ok to abuse me just because he is having a hard time. I choose not to allow his abuse, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. I choose to tell him that if he raises his voice at me, cusses at me, calls me a name, or blames me for his own problems, even from the past, I will gently hang up the phone until we can have a more mature chat...adult to adult. I will act on what I tell him. If I have to hang up one hundred times before he gets it, I will. If I have to hang up sometimes all of our lives, I will do so. My own physical and mental health are precious to me, and I am no good to myself or my loved ones if I allow others to stomp all over me. So I am going to take care of myself. In the bargain, maybe I will live longer so that I can be there longer for my son when he is being reasonable and needs me, which does happen. Plus I want to dance at my granddaughter's wedding. I won't be able to do that unless I detach with love and love myself as I do my children. I will not take his words personally if I hear them, because I know he is just that way under pressure, but that doesn't make me have to hear him either." And so I did it. How I think now. "Not taking on their emotions is possible. Not reacting back in kind makes me feel like I saved myself a lot of energy. Not believing his words when angry or refusing to hear them has made me feel good about myself, like I finally matter to me. And he seems to respect me more, which is an odd side effect of it. I know what he is like. But I can choose how to respond to his behavior. I have 100% power over myself. I feel good about how I have taken back my power yet still not completely cut off my son. I think I'll go watch a great movie with my beloved, kind husband." [/QUOTE]
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