New to forums. help please.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jnhcmommy6, Aug 5, 2016.

  1. jnhcmommy6

    jnhcmommy6 New Member

    I have a 16 year old daughter, I live in Kansas. She is living with me as a last resort when her father and grandmother gave up on her in Maryland. She has been diagnosed with general depression, anxiety disorder, cut herself before and attempted and threatened suicide before and since she's been here. I was unsure to believe she was as bad as all they said back home and figured she needed her mother, since we haven't lived together since she was 9. I gave her my love and attention in the past 8 months that she has been her and talked to her and created rules and gave her some freedoms. When she found a boyfriend in the town we were renting in, we were three weeks away from signing on a house 28 miles away, after having changed high schools in her senior year 3 times already she went of when I said for her senior year I was NOT driving her down to that one she was in and that I would not drive her down to see her boyfriend all the time, though at the time he was welcomed to come visit up here. My husband, her step-father, says I've been too soft on her and it's created problems in our relationship but now, we just moved into our house on July 1st and he as a soldier, had to leave for training for a month in a different state. She escalated in her weedling to see her friends and I gave permission for her to have a friend stay the night here in the new house for two nights, followed two days later by her saying she wanted to go stay at her friends house down there. I said no, I am also living with my two youngest children here in the home that are 6 and 4 and I don't have the desire to go get you down there when you have no ride back home or if there is aproblem, I can't just jump to get to you. So, she went to work and left an hour into her shift, claiming sickness and told me she was going anyway and what would I do about it? Anyway, so in just the past two weeks she has defied me three times, I've called the police on her twice trying to find out my recourse to deal with it and yesterday she went to the mall, explicity telling me that she was NOT going to go anywhere else and I find out that she went down there yet again. I told her to be home at 6pm, she asked me to pick her up back at the mall (2.5 miles away) because her ride didn't have enough gas to get from there to my house. I said you have to either find a $1 and wait for the bus or use those legs and get home. I am cooking dinner, I have a routine for my litte boys and I can't drop it to come get you. So, she says fine. Next time I hear from her, she has managed to get from up here 2.5 miles back down to this town...because of course, she couldn't say they should drive her home, but she would just do whatever she wanted. At 7:30 nearly 8pm, I called the police to see if I could classify her as a runaway. Well, she called while the officer was here and I was told that nothing can be done as a runaway because she is only communicating that she is defying me, and I know what town she is in, not where or who she is with! Now, it's going on 1pm today and I have heard nothing from her, and no, I'm not calling her. At 7:30 pm she will have been gone for 24 hours. I will call then again to the police. Okay, that is the briefest of backstory, but my question is to anyone, what legal things can I do, because I don't want her back her unless she follows the rules. Oh, and another thing, she talks like she can get emancipated like so easily but has no idea that they won't grant it to her. She then called in again and said she had a proposal for me, that I didn't really want her anyway since her dad and her gran have given up on her, I want to as well...Whatever. she said I could sign something stating I am done with her and she can live somewhere. I said no, I want you here but to follow my rules. She said no, I hung up. That was the last communication.
    I want to know what I can do because honestly, I know if she is brought back by the police, if they do anything, or she comes tonight to try to get clothes or even to stay, it's only going to be a matter of time before she TELLS me she is going again. My boys don't need to see this defiance, this screaming between her and I. They already act out. Their father is gone for a month and then coming back for three weeks before a 9 month deployment. I have to think of their structure and their routines. I called a lawyer today for a phone consultation but they said it may not be till Monday that they get back with me. Any thoughts, ideas and such for me? I'm ready to sign her over to the state almost, but have no idea what steps to take at all. I have no support system here at all. Just working from home, no adult friends and my husband is not even able to use his phone in training. I'm at my wit's end.
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Boy, you're in a tough situation. I stumbled upon this forum when my daughter was being very difficult and my family all blamed me for her crazy choices. It was a very difficult time. Just to give you some hope my daughter is 29 and she's fine now, but there were many chaotic and painful years where I didn't know what would become of her.

    Take good care of yourself and take it day by day. Keep in mind that after she turns 18 she cannot legally involve you anymore.
  3. jnhcmommy6

    jnhcmommy6 New Member

    So, none of you can help? none of you can offer advice at all? Great forum. Thanks.
  4. jnhcmommy6

    jnhcmommy6 New Member

    She cut herself yesterday on the word of some "friend" telling her to just kill herself and tonight her boyfriend broke up with her because he can't deal with her cutting to which she came screaming down the stairs and showed me what she did last night. I called the police and the emt's showed up but nothing can be done. She has a therapy appointment tomorrow.. but what good will it do. I'm just waiting for the next explosion, the next episode and one day it will be the last. I feel in my heart that I will bury my third daughter. This is not real. It hurts so much.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wish I had some answers for you. My daughter had different issues, so I have no personal experience to offer. I'm so sorry the police and EMTs are being less than helpful. Is there anything that County Mental Health can do for you? I'm in CA, so don't know what Kansas offers.

    Is she on your husband's insurance? You said he was military -are there services on base that will help?

    Many hugs. I can't imagine the pain you're going through.
  6. karisma

    karisma Member

    I am just now seeing this thread. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I know it is probably just killing your heart. You definitely did the right thing in calling the police. What did they say? What did your daughter say to explain what was going on? I know there is often nothing they can do when they do not witness the behavior themselves, especially when Difficult Child says they are fine and do not want help. My son is extremely ill and refuses help.

    You are not alone. Know that.

    The therapy appointment would be good for her to go to regardless of tonight though. I have had things "click" in therapy sessions that changed my life for the better. You never know might be realized, or heard, or internalized. For me, I have come to realize that my Difficult Child will probably be alive in the morning and the explosions are going to keep happening, but will not result in death. I sure used to stay awake at night worried about it though. I mean, I still acknowledge that Difficult Child could die or suffer some kind of horrendous bodily damage. I know that can happen, but it never seems to. Young adults like my son seem to thrive on taking things to the extreme. They seem to know just how far to push.

    I am in a very bad space myself over all this. It is not easy to do this. But I am sending peace and hugs your way.
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    My close friends daughter would cut and threaten suicide. If brought to a hospital they may put her on suicide watch...every time she goes it will be documented.

    If she ever goes and they feel she is a danger...she couldbe admitted to a mental ward...that might be a wake up call.

    Prayers....your not alone..keep us updated, it really does help.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I did see your post but have not had experience with this. I know that others may and could offer you things that may have worked for them.

    Just want to offer my support and prayers. It's a tough situation.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our forum and I'm sorry things are so rough. Does she have a psychiatrist that she sees? Is she on any medications? I know for my son, even thought the issues were different, until we found the right medication he really wasn't able to control himself.

    Through all of this, it is important to be taking care of yourself. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, especially with two young children and your husband being gone. Is there anyone who can watch the younger kids once in a while? If possible, find some "me" time. It could be anything-for me it was exercise and reading. It could be a bubble bath or a dinner out with a friend. I also got to the point where I sought out therapy for myself. Our son was very violent and verbally abusive and the therapy really helped.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Is there a mental health facility in your county? I live in Kansas too. We had similar problems with daughter. Ask them for an SED waiver application. They will have to help uou complete the applucation as it is a questionnaire about behaviors. They told me to answer the questions based on her worst days...not good or average days...

    We qualified for the waiver based on her needs and not our income. This gave us a case manager and family therapist band individual therapist and covered what are ins did not. It also covered a few days stay at a mental health facility.

  11. Gershbunny

    Gershbunny New Member

    I lived in Kansas for a while as well. Had similar experiences with my own daughter,when she started puberty. I decided she needed mental evaluation, and being I was a poor ,newly single mom, I went to Srs for help. Long story short, the day before she was to get her first mental evaluation, she went running to the neighbors telling them I was going to hit her with golf clubs (I didn't even own golf clubs) and well what followed was losing her to the foster care system. Turns out she was mentally ill, severely so. If the system had just listened to me and helped me help my child, instead of ripping her from me, it could have safe a whole family from some very devastating lasting effects. My point in this? Please make sure you have her mentally evaluated before you give up.
  12. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    I agree, get an evaluation. I wish I could tell you more about steps to take, but unfortunately I cant. Things is your state are much different than in ours.
  13. Marty Gilroy

    Marty Gilroy New Member

    I was defiant as a teen with my mother. She had no real understanding, much less empathy, for what it was like being a teenager. I suggest that engaging differently with her may be a place to start. It's been a long time since she lived with you, so of course, she's testing you. She's a teenager. I'd change the focus of the conversation/arguments. She's looking for a fight, so don't. You keep your own voice calm and steady. Talk to her versus raising your voice. And suggest that the two of you spend 1:1 time during the week, like making a new chocolate chip cookie recipe or reviewing dinner menu recipes and cook a weekend meal together. Spend some of your time teaching her things, laugh together, joke about a mistake that just occurred, etc. Thank her for cooking with you and let's do it, again, next weekend. It'll help a lot if she knows you're glad she's there with you. Know that she'll test you on this and try to push you to be mean, but don't. The rules in the house matter and that's it.

    When she's more calm, talk with her about what worries her - and listen - to what she says. Just hear her and let her know she's being heard. Do this time and time, again, and I bet you'll see small improvements initially, then more good things later on. From what I can tell, you're re-married, but living as a single mom in another state (than she used to live), you have a new young family and a husband who's being deployed ... how can anyone expect her just to meld right in with everyone & everything? That's a tall order for any of us.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We do expect our kids to often to adjust well to major life changes that WE want because of new love interests or failed ones. They feel powerless as we (and I did this once too ) force them to accommodate what we want. it isn't easy and many are resentful. No teen likes to move and keep moving. I made a bad error this way and my daughter rebelled against the moves and new step dad and chaos to her world.

    In this world of instability for so many kids, yes, they don't adjust well and often suffer.

    I blame me for not being sensitive to a middle school child who did not want me to leave her dad, marry someone else, and yank her from school for our convenience. I wish I had been more understanding. I wish I could turn back the clock. This was partly why she started using drugs. She doesn't anymore.
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2016