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<blockquote data-quote="Marty Gilroy" data-source="post: 697385" data-attributes="member: 20650"><p>I was defiant as a teen with my mother. She had no real understanding, much less empathy, for what it was like being a teenager. I suggest that engaging differently with her may be a place to start. It's been a long time since she lived with you, so of course, she's testing you. She's a teenager. I'd change the focus of the conversation/arguments. She's looking for a fight, so don't. You keep your own voice calm and steady. Talk to her versus raising your voice. And suggest that the two of you spend 1:1 time during the week, like making a new chocolate chip cookie recipe or reviewing dinner menu recipes and cook a weekend meal together. Spend some of your time teaching her things, laugh together, joke about a mistake that just occurred, etc. Thank her for cooking with you and let's do it, again, next weekend. It'll help a lot if she knows you're glad she's there with you. Know that she'll test you on this and try to push you to be mean, but don't. The rules in the house matter and that's it.</p><p></p><p>When she's more calm, talk with her about what worries her - and listen - to what she says. Just hear her and let her know she's being heard. Do this time and time, again, and I bet you'll see small improvements initially, then more good things later on. From what I can tell, you're re-married, but living as a single mom in another state (than she used to live), you have a new young family and a husband who's being deployed ... how can anyone expect her just to meld right in with everyone & everything? That's a tall order for any of us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marty Gilroy, post: 697385, member: 20650"] I was defiant as a teen with my mother. She had no real understanding, much less empathy, for what it was like being a teenager. I suggest that engaging differently with her may be a place to start. It's been a long time since she lived with you, so of course, she's testing you. She's a teenager. I'd change the focus of the conversation/arguments. She's looking for a fight, so don't. You keep your own voice calm and steady. Talk to her versus raising your voice. And suggest that the two of you spend 1:1 time during the week, like making a new chocolate chip cookie recipe or reviewing dinner menu recipes and cook a weekend meal together. Spend some of your time teaching her things, laugh together, joke about a mistake that just occurred, etc. Thank her for cooking with you and let's do it, again, next weekend. It'll help a lot if she knows you're glad she's there with you. Know that she'll test you on this and try to push you to be mean, but don't. The rules in the house matter and that's it. When she's more calm, talk with her about what worries her - and listen - to what she says. Just hear her and let her know she's being heard. Do this time and time, again, and I bet you'll see small improvements initially, then more good things later on. From what I can tell, you're re-married, but living as a single mom in another state (than she used to live), you have a new young family and a husband who's being deployed ... how can anyone expect her just to meld right in with everyone & everything? That's a tall order for any of us. [/QUOTE]
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