New to Group - Kicked out our 19 year old son (only child) today

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Katyg you've come to the right place, we know what it's like. Welcome. Just so you know, you have replied to another posters thread and it would be beneficial if you could start your own which will offer you more responses. It also helps us to help you more if you put information at the bottom as you see we've done. Your question as to how do you let go is a big one, most of us here are living within that question every single day. Detachment from our own kids is a process which takes time, commitment and it has many ups and downs. If your son is not getting help to change his behavior and not abiding by the boundaries and rules you present him with to be able to live in your home, then it becomes clear that he has to live elsewhere.

I am off to work now, but will check in later. I'm glad you found us and I'm sorry you are having to live with these issues. Others will be along soon. (((HUGS)))
 

BKS

New Member
Katyg,

I am so sorry for what you have been going through and how painful it sounds. With three other children doing so well, you must let yourself feel kudos for doing the right things. Obviously, your troubled son is who he is, no matter where he was raised or by whom. We were struggling with substance addiction issues with our son several years ago and consulted our family doctor who was also our son's pediatrician. He explained that our son may simply 'be who he is' - that his great attraction to drugs and alcohol would find a way to express itself no matter what we did. (Neither my husband nor I drink except my husband has the occasional beer - about two a month.)

After battles over drugs, alcohol, behavior, etc. I reached a point last week where I knew I could take NO more. He had stolen money from us continually and I found he was walking around with my jewelry in his backpack, along with two of our bank statements. He had broken into our home (we made him leave during the day), broken into my laptop, and lied about any and everything imaginable. He was rude beyond belief and doing any drug he could get his hands on. All I know right now in my heart is that he CANNOT live at home again, ever. I have realized that my husband and I have done all we can. It is HARD to let go and a daily struggle for us but it HAS gotten better - as someone on this board assured me it would. We are expecting some tough times ahead because our son is a master manipulator but we are staying tough. I have decided at the age of 53 and 52 we have earned a peaceful life, after devoting the past 19+ to our son's happiness. From what I am reading Al-Anon and other rehab groups encourage family members to do the same.

My heart goes out to you. You have a lot of support here on the board - whatever your decision.

Best,
BKS
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I want to respond to both BKS and RE. First of all RE, from what I can tell your difficult child became more of a difficult child after a very traumatic experience so her age is fairly stuck at the age when that experience happened.

BKS, like I have said before, your son is so young you can never say never. My mother was a very ill and even woman. When I say ill I mean mentally ill. She taught me my entire life to pretty much hate my father even though we were an intact family. I learned later on my father wanted to divorce her when I was 2 but he was afraid there was no way courts would grant him custody back in those days and he was probably right. My mother was able to put on a good act in public. It was only after I was an adult and learned slowly on my own that my dad wasnt such a bad man. It took quite awhile. He sure wasnt perfect but by the time we got into my thirties we had a great relationship. It probably wouldnt have taken that long but my mother was interfering from the outside.
 
T

toughlovin

Guest
I totally agree with janet here. My parents got divorced when i was in my 20s. In was pretty angry with my dad ( for good reason) and was pretty estranged from him for about 10 years. In my 30s i decided to let go of a lot of my anger and built a relationship with him. So much can change.

There were times when my son would tell me i would never see my future grandchildren.....which was all bluster and posturing on his part.

At this age nothing is forever.

TL
 

BKS

New Member
Toughlovin' and Dammit Janet,

Thanks for responding. I am taking what you both said to heart - you are speaking from the voice of experience.

My son and I had been so close and he was so sweet, funny, and kind. Right now it is easier for me to detach by thinking we will "never" have a relationship. I can form some psychic scar tissue and prepare for the worse. However, I will remember what you said.

This board has helped me tremendously this past week. DUring my lunch break at work I log on to get a shot of sanity - if only to read some archives of what others have been through.

Best,
BKS
 
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