New to PE ... not sure what the heck will happen

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by timer lady, May 19, 2012.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Believe it or not the tweedles turn 18 in 47 days. Remember I joined when they were around 9?

    How, why, when did you decide how involved you would be once your difficult children hit 18? Because of their disability status & their CADI waiver they are automatically vulnerable adults. Children's mental health case manager has already contacted & the tweedles have been assigned adult mental health managers.

    kt continues to allow herself to be re-victimized on a regular basis (her GAF has sunk to an all time low of 23). wm is as explosive as ever.

    Saying the above, I'm being encouraged to put my home up for sale & move closer to family as the only reason(s) I stayed here after husband died was the tweedles. The thought of packing up & moving after being in my little house since '96 is overwhelming/exhausting.

    How involved are you? As my twins really don't want me in their lives (at least that's the impression I've gotten) would you pack up & move? Do your difficult children continue to drag you into their daily trauma/dramas or are you able to say no?
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow Linda I cannot believe they are almost 18! It seems impossible. Of course I still think of Duckie as 3 and thank you as

    Your situation is so unique. I dont think any of us are in quite the same situation as you because of the difficulties the twins have and have had for so many years. I would hate for you to have to give up your house after you just did all that work to it not long ago but then again it may be in your best interest health-wise to be near your family. I know you did all that work so your house would meet your health needs but do you have anyone close to you to give you the help you will probably need? I wish I could get that sort of reno on my house.

    I am so sorry that KT continues to be so self sabotaging. What can they do for her? I dont exactly know what being a vulnerable adult will open up for them.

    I know some of us stay close to our kids, others dont. You know I am still close. I assume I always will be. I didnt think it would be this way though so you never know what can happen. I honestly thought my kids would open the door on their 18th birthday and run for the hills but I havent been able to run them off with a tank so I guess Im stuck with them for I think you are just going to have to play it by ear for the first year and see how that goes and then make a long term plan. Im not sure you can say right now how they are going to be. Actually, they really wont finish cooking until they are around 24/25. I know, probably not what you wanted to hear right?

    I dont know what to tell you sweetie...but welcome to PE.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok this may not be popular, but here it goes. I think Linda needs to start living for Linda now. Take your time with the house decision, but I 100% think you should move closer to your family. You have sacrificed more than the average warrior mom.
    Your children need to see you do something for YOU. It will be a good for them to see that one can make their own happiness.
    It has been years since you have known peace and joy and it is time.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with BusyWend. If the kids were depending on her and wanting her around, maybe I'd have a different answer, but Linda, you have been through so much, in my opinion it is time to have a life of your own. That doesn't mean you never see or talk to the kids, but, yes, take yourselves out of their drama. Go and do the things you have wanted to do for a long time. You have really bent over backwards for a long time. It will do the kids good to see you have a life. It may even inspire them.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I agree Wendy. Maybe I just was more I still have no clue what vulnerable adult means for kids turning 18 means. I have looked it up and cant find anything.

    I do have this sort of torn feeling about the house that Linda so lovingly reno'd not so long ago. I remember her putting up the pictures as she finished each room and how proud she was. I think she will be sad to leave that home because of all those memories. But being closer to family will also have some pluses too.

    I really cannot foresee how the future will be for the tweedles but with all my heart I hope it will slowly grow into a good one.
  6. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Linda, as I told you earlier today, do what you feel you need to do. You sayed for the twins but your job with them is almost done. You've "done your time" and without Steve to share the house with you and the bitterness you have toward the kids lately, I think moving closer to family is absolutely called for. You've earned it and then some. You've done all you can do and it still wasn't/isn't enough. It's time to change priorities. You get to move back to the top of that list again!!!!

    Take care of yourself sweetie.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Some of what a vulnerable adult means (from when I worked in group homes etc.) is that much like kids, but depending on the system based on their "safety plan" ..... so if they are super vulnerable to being sexually manipulated (or to manipulating sexually so therefore could get into legal trouble) due to their lower ability/functioining....then there has to be a plan to keep them from those issues. It can include therapies/programs to help them become more able in those areas but we all know that many of our kids with these bigger issues are just permanently vulnerable to being prey or getting themselves into big big trouble because they just dont have a clue or the ability to respect the little bit of "clue" they do have.

    All mandated reporting laws will apply to them too.... any suspected abuse of them MUST be reported unlike if they thought it was happening to ME, if it happened to my 18 yr old vulnerable adult son...yeah, that would have to be reported to protective services.

    Most vulnerable adults are elderly and/or ill and/or disabled.

    I am sure there is a more complicated legal issue but bottom line, they need protection.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Anyway, (got side tracked as usual)....they will be in programs, they have workers who will make sure those rules are followed. Would be nice for you to be able to start a new chapter and just be a mom....not a much as you can or they will allow. You can set the limits now.

    Though selfishly, ummm, I just found out someone from this family is close and you are going to move???....(lol may be extra motivation to move! hahahaha...)

    Well, if you move somewhere where we can have a nice vacation I guess that would be ok, right everyone??

    Do what you feel is right. There is only as much of a rush as you feel you need in your heart. Not like anyone says when they are 18 you must decide the rest of your life. Do it in whatever time you feel comfortable.

    And Q actually likes helping with moving, especially if y ou get him food! I'd be happy to help pack and clean if you get to that point. It is a lways easier when it is someone else's house!
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the PE side Linda. :)

    I'm so saddened to hear that Katie is self destructing, and allowing yourself to continually be victimized is self destruction. Wm I figured would probably not improve very much, such abuse.....especially in their extreme much more difficult for males to deal with on any level.

    You've gone above and beyond for the tweedles and probably even beyond that. They've had ample, if not abundant, mental health services at their disposal. They still do. But you just can't do it for them. They have got to want it, want to do the work, want to deal with the past and the emotions that come with it.......and that is very difficult, in their case.

    I agree that it's time for you to shift your focus off of the tweedles and on to you for a change.

  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Not saying to move or not move... but please consider that this - the tweedles reaching 18 - is another major transition point for both you and them. But I'm thinking of this in terms of you, not them. Major transition points are usually not the best times to make a major move - not instantly. You might want to take a few months, let the dust settle, do some scouting, see how you feel. Don't rush the decision either way.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    True insane.
  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I think you should move. I don'r want to get into a whole disertation, but I had my son leave when he was 18, it was insanity what we lived with. Now, however, he's a wonderfully mature adult, we have a great relationship, and all is well. In our case, we needed him distanced from us so he could find his own way. Then he could concentrate on bettering his life, of course at the time, he thought we were ruining it, but he had to learn the hard way. And we deserved not to be victimized any longer. Linds, they will grow up and come back to you wherever you live, they will be adults, they can travel and move. You need to put yourself first and do what is best for you. I think it would be a smart move to be near your family. I know you put a lot of work into your house, but in the end, it's just a house. (((HUGS)))
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    IC, what a fantastic point!!

    Buddy, a question: If a child is "disabled" then laws that protect children still apply to the grown adult? Ignorant about that here...thanks in advance.
  14. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Linda, my dear many thoughts going thru my head, but the one thing that I keep coming back to is: What do YOU want/need? I think it would be pretty normal to not have an answer to that today, but I think it's a question you need to focus on (for a change).

    I'm not sure I buy that the twins don't want you in their lives - I think it's more that the bright and shiny "18" has become their focus, with the illusions/delusions of independence, doing what they want, being "adults." Once the novelty of self-determination wears off, I think they may want you in their worlds, and I think that that is in a lot of ways a pretty typical for new "adults." It takes time for kids to appreciate and value their parent's input. And you are their mother, you have been their rock and shelter for a dozen years. No one will ever be to/for them like you have.

    on the other hand, there is no question that raising them has taken an incredible physical and emotional toll on you, and I think it's wisest to assume that the drama will continue. I don't know how you're still standing, quite frankly. You are the strongest person I have ever met.

    You know I let thank you define my involvement in his life, which was pretty limited until he hit about 20. And you know that difficult children will suck anyone and everyone *who allows it* into their drama. We talk about detachment, and it's a grand thing, but it takes a lot of work and practice and more than a little backsliding - and in my experience, it's a real bear once our kids are adults because we cannot intervene in any meaningful way. Perhaps with- the tweedles being "vulnerable adults," you *might* be able to be a bit more effective as their advocate, but... well, you know how skeptical I am of any state agency being proactive, especially for adults.

    And so I come right back to - what do *you* want? What do *you* need? I understand the push by others' to sell your home and move, and I can't say it's a bad idea, but I'd hate for you to do it under pressure. All the major decisions I've ever made were made with a certainty in my gut - and not one of those decisions ever turned out to be wrong. I think it's important for you do do whatever you decide to do with the gut knowledge that it's right for you - even if it's selling every thing and moving to Bali to paint. ;)
  15. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    It's almost like you have to choose an avenue which to follow .. .. .. see if it works .. .. .. and then search for another path if it doesn't. Not much of an answer I know; there are so, so many variables - things that you only know with hindsight.

    Speaking of which, if I were to go back in time; I think I would seek a lot more professional advice on this very topic.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think a lot of us would attempt to find better professionals the second time around but I dont know if there are better professionals. We may actually be the best around. I think we end up knowing our kids better than anyone.
  17. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    MWM, in a way the answer to your question is yes. It depends on the disability and the way it affects their ability to live independently. If there are definite areas where their life and body are could be in danger and they need services just to stay physically safe, they are considered vulnerable adults. If their IQ is low enough or they function at a low enough level to not know that they are being victimized, they are considered vulnerable adults. That's the easiest explanation I can give even after working as a social worker with vulnerable adults. How's that for sad?!?
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    TeDo, that is what I remember from our vulnerable adult training when I worked in group homes too...

    I was told for Q that since to be on his Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) waiver (sounds like TL was told this too) that part of the qualification is that he be certified as permanently disabled by the state. He has had that since he got on that waiver (he didn't need it for the daughter waiver but I think that is for kids anyway??? I might be really wrong about that though ). Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) continues on for him for sure (unless a miracle happens and he suddenly is healed ??? ) and part of the plan is a county risk management plan. In that plan it states what his areas of vulnerability are what level of supervision is needed, how to handle things etc. covers ADL's, community issues, etc.... And he will have to have a guardian whether me, the county/state, a relative etc. (It will be me for a long while).

    I can only share as far as I have experienced, dont know all the ins and outs, that is why it will be even more interesting to see how this plays out for TL and the tweedles. We used to l ive in that county till he was in third grade. He was on a dev. disability waiver and they said Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is no different but when we moved to this county they said that county was nuts and switched him. His waiver more than doubled. (which then allowed for the in home behavior people/psychiatric, Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) etc....beyond the PCA care). Crazy that counties in the same general area of the state would be that different but they are. (I used to staff PCA's from all over the cities for a company that provided services for children, and we knew which counties were easy to work with and which ones were never supportive of families etc. State says they are a ll t he same but no way. I am sure it must be like that in every state....
  19. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Buddy, the ONLY ones that get a daughter waiver here are those with IQ's below 70 and are at would otherwise be in an ICF/MR. And the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) waiver is given here ONLY to those confined to a wheelchair and unable to live alone. Consider yourself lucky you live where you do.
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    wow, when you fill out the screening tool those things are NOT listed on it... every year you have to go through all the areas of life, care, ability etc.... you rate the level of ability to get around (walking, wheel chair etc...) and I know a lot of people in a wheel chair who can get a round in the community way better than Q would be able to! Crazy. I know a lady I met, same county who has been told they dont give Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) waivers to kids here.... I said well I can show you our Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) waiver plan all signed and approved! How can individuals screw with people like that?

    oh, yes, for all of them you do have to say they would otherwise (without the waiver) be in an ICF/MR......I was told when he was little they know most kids would not ever be but they still put it, because if not for the parents choosing the extra care, they could be. Q clearly would be at this point but it was not so clear when younger, thank heaven they did it that way.