New to Site and Children with Conduct Discorders

[sag1965]

I just wrote a book on here since I am new to the site....OMG I was not logged in! LOL! K gonna summarize this time....My fiance has two children 11b 6g with ODD and I having three children 22b 19g 15b I have never experienced children with ODD. I believe this is going to make or break our relationship..,everything else is great. He finally made a phone call to have the children get an evaluation after me bugging him, not that he didn't want to, but he feels its his fault they are the way they are,,,with previous relationship with their mother has always been yelling,,,even the kids yelling, fighting etc with each other and their parents,,,His six year old said after spending time here in the beginning of our relationship says "Daddy, why don't you cuss or yell anymore?' and his 11 yr old says "Daddy, do you two ever fight?" That told me right there what kind of life they have with their mother, who I believe has some type of mental problems herself, but does not want to admit it,,,I was on a forum a few years ago when I was going thru a seperation/divorce due to my ex cheating and found it to helpful and theraputic too!

 

[gcvmom]

Welcome -- you've come to a very supportive community here!

I have two main thoughts on your situation: first, the children may be showing learned behavior from their chaotic upbringing up to this point, and second, some of the problems may be genetic.

Once your DF (Dear Fiance) has gotten the kids a thorough evaluation you'll know more about what to do next. Sounds like the kids will benefit from therapy regardless of what happens in your relationship with DF! Does he have sole custody?

 

[Marguerite]

Thanks, gcvmom. I also was going to suggest therapy. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy if you can organise it. Sometimes they won't do it for younger children, you have to be old enough to understand the logic. But it can really help kids get their heads straight after earlier bad experience/bad training in life.

The evaluations are also very important, so you do know just what you are dealing with in the kids. He shouldn't allow guilt to slow him down - guilt can really get in the way of action and this is a bad thing. Instead, focus on the now. If you can, get him to lurk here or join here. It is amazing what it can do for your relationship. husband & I have always had a close rapport, but since I joined here and her began lurking to read every post I made, we talk a lot more effectively about the kids. I think when I post, it 'gels' ideas for me and I perhaps express myself more concisely (shut up Star! I KNOW some of my posts are ridiculously long!).

We are a great community of friends here, even though most of us have never met physically.

So - welcome aboard.

Marg

 

[gcvmom]

Marg, you and Star BOTH have a lot of wonderful things to say.

 

[susiestar]

Hi and Welcome! DF and the kids are lucky to have you in their lives to care so much! Does he have custody and do they live with him or with their mom or is it a 1/2 and 1/2 situation? How are they doing in school, both with studies and with the social aspects? That can be very telling about what problems they are dealing with.

DF also needs to work with the school to put accommodations into place to help the kids. Our Sp Ed forum has archives with samples of the letters to send to the school that you can just put the names on. LEtters to request this MUST be sent certified mail via the post office with return receipt. It may seem "silly" to spend the money to do that, but it puts legal timelines onto evaluations and it protects the kids' legal rights. Keeping track of all of this can get overhwelming. I suggest helping DF create a Parent Report - the link in my sig at the bottom of this post will take you to the page that describes the Parent Report and has the outline for it. If he starts now it will make the future a LOT easier for him and teh kids because all the info will be in one place.

PLEASE encourage a private Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory issues. Some people do not process input from their senses in the "normal" way. They may have trouble with picky eating, seeking or avoiding certain activities or textures, clothing (tags seem to be a problem for many people), etc... This CAN be helped and the help does NOT involve medication or long talk therapy. Often the therapy is enjoyable or even FUN because a big part is providing the types of sensation the kids would seek out - called providing a sensory diet. the other component is brushing therapy - must by taught by an Occupational Therapist (OT) but is fairly easy to do and many people enjoy it (now my kiddoes sometimes ask me to do it to help them go to sleep, lol). School will have an Occupational Therapist (OT) but they will only look for how this impacts school - a private Occupational Therapist (OT) will look at the child's entire life. My youngest was on his way to an Aspergers/ADHD diagnosis but in reality has Sensory Integration disorder instead. By treating it we were able to help him keep from learning/developing behaviors that would look more like autism/aspergers. In less than 2 years we went from not being able to sit through even half of a church service to singing in the choir and enjoying the entire service even sitting NEXT to the organ (the organ was a big problem before treatment started).

ODD is often the first diagnosis, often followed by adhd. If you stop there with evaluations you will likely NOT be able to effectively help the child. Most of the kids who have parents here started with ODD and/or ADHD and later were found to have other problems - once the underlying problems were treated much of the ODD went away. ADHD is often a symptom of antoher problem, NOT the actual diagnosis. It is considered a separate disorder largely because it gets insurance to cover more and because it helps people understand it.

I encourage you to read The Explosive Child by Ross Green and Love and Logic Parenting by Fay and Cline. both are incredibly helpful resources. You can learn more about L&L at www.loveandlogic.com .

 

[busywend]

Welcome to the site! It is certainly a strain on any relationship.

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, SAG1965.
You seem to already have a good idea of what's going on, in that this behavior is partially genetic and partially learned. It will take a lot of therapy and a lot of practice to unlearn it.
Was your boyfriend a bad role model and parent b4? Sounds like it, in that he bought into the chaos at home.
Is he able to change? Yes, since you two don't fight like cats and dogs. You actually communicate.
So he has to just look toward the future and forget about the mistakes of the past.
You are wise to get him and his kids into counseling. It is not for crazy people. Is it to unlearn dysfunctional behavior, lack of coping skills, and bad habits and learn new communication skills and gain psychological strength.