new to site

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RCIII, Jan 7, 2017.

  1. St. Stephen

    St. Stephen New Member

    New to the site but not to the problems of dealing with our 31 year old, college educated, heroin addicted son. My wife and I have been living the nightmare for the past 6 years or so. To complicate things he got married in June so now there another element to this tragedy. He was clean for almost 3 years, lost his job and apparently relapsed shortly before his marriage. Our new year is not off to a great start-he's in county jail-not his 1st time in jail. Sad but at least he can't get drugs and he'll detox and we'll know where he is. Not sure what else to say other than I think I'll hopefully find some comfort here and maybe some wisdom from others who've gone done this path. Keep saying "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13) but we're really having a hard time.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome! This is a great group, really and truly supportive! I am sorry that you have so much going on to challenge you right now. Remember to take time to stop and see the good things around you also.

    I hope that you have a support system in your offline life. Have you gone to Alanon, Narcanan or Families Anonymous or any similar groups? I have heard that if you have insurance through Kaiser that they have some incredible programs for families of addicts. It is just incredibly important for the families of addicts to go through programs also, to become educated about addiction and to work through their own codependency issues. Addiction is truly a family disease, and it changes everyone in the family. Your son has a much better chance of long term recovery if other members of the family get help.
  3. St. Stephen

    St. Stephen New Member

    We've tried a few meetings but didn't stick with it. Maybe we'll reconsider. We just want so much to have him back but fear too much has gone down for it to ever be right. So hard to walk away from your own flesh and blood. He has so much potential and he's just wasting it. Hard to say this but we sometimess wish he was gone for good rather than this prolonged agony of watching him slowly killing himself.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Welcome RCIII.

    I second what Susie says, about groups, and family involvement.

    There are parents on this site whose adult children are recovering from heroin addiction. There was a great Anthony Bourdain show (the chef turned author who has a program on CNN where he goes from City to City, country to country showcasing cuisine and culture) on West Mass. a couple of years ago which centered on recovering from heroin.

    Bourdain, who was born into a well to do New Jersey family in his early 20's became a heroin addict (while at college I believe, in Western Mass), eventually recovered, and became tremendously acclaimed. He is now near 60. He was an addict I believe more than 20 years. *There are young people here on the site who quit in their early 20's. Besides his 2 shows, and multiple emmy's Bourdain has written several books, the first called Kitchen Confidential, I think. His story is inspiring.
    This is so painful to read, and so easy to understand.

    Bourdain's mother said that she feared he would end up in prison or dead and she did not know which one was worse. But look what happened? It is hard to see beyond where we are when we are mired in weeds and feel stuck in the mud. Remember the movie The African Queen?

    There are things that we feel that given our situations, are normal. Forgive yourselves.
  5. St. Stephen

    St. Stephen New Member

    Thanks you so much for the response-just not sure about the meetings. They didn't seem to help us. My son called today and wanted me to post bond, tried to guilt me into doing it, I said no. Got home from work and went for a run and saw he had called. He called again and I didn't answer. Now I just shut off my phone. This will give him a little bit of what we had to deal with when he was gone and his phone was turned off and we were worried but couldn't reach him. He has since pawned that phone which was kind of his life line but also his way to get drugs.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think not bonding him out is a wise thing. He has done this enough to need to feel the consequences of his actions. Jail is one of those. At least if he is in jail, you know where he is, that he is getting meals, has a roof over his head, etc.... My kids have always heard that I won't bail them out, esp on drug charges. I will always love them, but bail isn't included. The topic came up when they were young when my brother got put into jail for things he did while drunk.

    Please give alanon another try, or narcanon. There is a way to try it. The first few weeks you need to go to as many different groups as possible. Different times and places because each group has a different feel and dynamic. You have to try different ones because not each one will be right for you. Finding the right one will be a real gift to yourself. Your son will NOT like it, because he will see changes in you within a few weeks to months. You will set boundaries and won't be as codependent or enabling. You will begin to find what is right for you and what is healthy for you, and it won't be what he wants. It won't be what his addiction wants. You also might find Codependent Anonymous if you live in a big city, though I never lived where any of them met.

    I hope some of this is helpful to you.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you don't like twelve step do get other professional help to learn how to cope with this. Try a therapist. It is too complicated emotionally for a loving parent to do alone.

    So sorry for your pain and good luck.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am not a big fan of Alanon or Naranon either. Many of our members find the 12-step groups very helpful and I think that is great. I just couldn't connect with it and I also had a hard time with the religious aspect. At some of the meetings, they ended with a circle saying the Lord's prayer. I remember wondering how people who weren't religious (like me) or of different faiths must feel about being expected to participate in the Lord's prayer. I honestly think that ending with the serenity prayer would be more inclusive.

    I found that private therapy was the key for me. My therapist helped me set boundaries and helped me understand that I couldn't fix my daughter. I learned that the only behavior I could change was mine. I went to her for two years. Thankfully, when I learned to stop enabling my daughter's dependency on us and drug use, my daughter turned the corner. She is now doing well.

    Keep posting on this site, too. You will find a great deal of understanding and support.

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  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis