Hi, there.
To me, the behaviors you are describing are too severe to just be ADHD/ODD. Most of us here feel that ODD is kind of a useless diagnosis anyway.
The medications not working are a red flag that she may have been misdiagnosed. My son was worse on stimulants. In mood-disordered kids, for example, ADHD medications usually make them worse. Same with some Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids. I have a few questions that can help us help you.
Her ADHD medications do work, to a point. She had some improvement but they wear off quickly and it doesn't take long for a medication to stop working at all. for example, a medication that is supposed to last 8-12 hours last 4-6, and the 4-6 ones last 2-4.
1/Are there any psychiatric problems on either side of the child's family tree. That includes her bio. father even if she never sees him. Was she ever abused by him? Ever abused at all, both physically or sexually or mentally? Does she see her father? What's the situation with him?
Yes, but not diagnosed. One my side of the family I have one cousin that is mentally disabled, my uncle (her dad) is very "slow" and has difficulty being independent, had a lot of problems with drugs, my mom is also "slow" and very dependent on others (in my opinion she is high functioning with a mental disability, she was in Special Education as a kid/teen). I was diagnosed a year ago with ADHD. I was never diagnosed as a kid because of lack of education/resources for my mom, and I compensated with my high IQ. Marie's bio-dad had a LOT of trouble as a child. He was always in trouble. He stole, did drugs, got in fights, was verbally, physically and sexually abusive to those around him, and dropped out of school at 16, and was pretty much always on probation from 12-18 years of age. She sees him about once a year (he has no visitation rights). My ex was more of her "father" figure, he was with me for the first 7 years of her life. He suffers from depression, which he has had since he was a teen. I left him because we no longer got along and he was consistently inconsistent with treating his depression, and his main symptom of depression was anger (which he expressed by yelling at my and Marie). I couldn't handle taking care of Marie AND an adult that acted like a child at the same time. She currently sees him every other weekend. to my knowledge she has never been sexually abused or physically abused. I have utilized spanking in the past, but I am trying my best to avoid this because I know, logically, that it is bad temporary solution. She had a babysitter once, for about 6 months, that was verbally abusing her and forced her to kneel on beans when she misbehaved. As soon as this was brought to my attention I immediately removed her from the situation and put her into therapy.
2/How was her early development? Did she talk on time, make good, steady eye contact with you and strangers, cuddle, do her motor skills on time? Potty on time? How does she socialize with her same age peers? Does she ever seem "clueless" about people and life? What sort of things set her off? Does she transition all right from one activity to another? Any sensitivities to material, sound, texture, light, crowds, etc?
some background, I had
Marie at 16 and breastfed til 5.5 weeks. I went back to school at 5 weeks and could not keep up with breastfeeding because she was eating for 45 minutes at a time every 2 hours (she was 10lbs 11oz at birth and ate a lot). Her early development seemed fine. She hit all her milestones within normal limits. She's always been a very bright, quick child, but VERY stubborn. When she was 3 months old she began having problems sleeping. I would spend hours trying to put her to sleep, and finally, with the guidance of Success by Six (a program to help mothers with children), I began to let her "cry it out". I would do the usual bedtime ritual (kisses, singing, cuddles, etc, put her in bed) She would spend 45 minutes crying in her crib then she would fall asleep. The only other way to get her to sleep was in her baby swing, which she slept in frequently at night, especially when I had to have her quiet (when we stayed the night with a friend/family etc). She never took naps at daycares, which was always a point of conflict with her and her providers. To this day she has trouble sleeping at night. Unmedicated she would be put to bed at 9pm and be up til midnight, or as late as 3am, screaming and leaving her room. She weaned off the bottle with no problems. Potty-training was difficult with her. I began at 3 years old, when I was in college. She was very stubborn and basically made an active decision to refuse to participate. She did not want to be bothered with having to use the bathroom, because diapers were easier. When she was almost 4 and a half I took a week off work, and spent my entire spring break and basically forced potty training on her. I made her wear underwear, rewarded her with m&ms for using the toilet (she didn't get candy much at that age), and made her clean up the mess if she refused to use the toilet. After that she no longer wore diapers. However, to this day, she still forgets 95% of the time to wipe, flush, and wash her hands. When she does remember, if is usually only when prompted by an adult.
She's a very smart kid and loves to be the boss. She basically interacts with her peers in a very "I'm better than you and you're stupid" attitude. She bullies, she fights, she teases, she says hurtful things. The main thing that sets her off is when someone tries to get her to do anything. It could be getting shoes on, or taking a test, or standing in line. She wants to be in charge. whenever she plays a game, or pretends with her toys, she is always in a position of authority. She is teacher, officer, mother, etc. And she is strict, authoritarian and often cruel. However, she is also very elaborate with her games and will write out rules for her babies to follow while in her classroom, which she models after rules at school and at home. the rules are fair and well written, but the "kids" are always bad and are always being punished, redirected, put in time out, or scolded. She has a lot of problems with transition and changes in routine. even if it's a positive change, or a rewarding thing (like going to chuck-e-cheese, a museum, movie, park etc), she'll often act out after/toward the end. In school and at home she has troubel transitioning from play time to bed time, work time, chore time, etc. She drags her feet, fights, screams, waits til a final warning is issued before acting, forgets needed things, etc. I haven't noticed any sensitivities.
3/Has she ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist.
When I got her tested I took her to a university where she was evaluated by a psychiatric. student under supervision of a professor with a phd in psychology. She had a full IQ test (which had to be performed in 4 or 5 parts, spread out over a month long period) and assesment for ADHD. Her IQ was 98, completely unmedicated. They said that when she participated she scored way above average for her age group, but more than half the time she blatantly refused to participate. She would refuse to look at the tester, move the peices in ways that were against the "rules", or respond to questions inappropriately (for example "what is two plus two" would be answered with "liquor in the tea"). At one point she stood on the desk, posed, and exclaimed "I'm the statue of liberty."
About your fiance, my honest advice (as one who remarried as well) is that you should think twice about the marriage and living arrangements if he is getting impatient with your daughter. Trying to deal with a difficult child and an unsympathetic husband is difficult. No matter how much you love him, it may not be enough. He needs to accept your daughter as she is and not just expect her to "get with the program" and behave. She probably is not able to do that and things may get worse. Does HE have kids? Do you have other kids too?
Thankfully Marie is a single child, I think I would have some serious mental health issues of my own, if I had another child to deal with. And I'm reluctant to have another, for fear that it will be a repeat, or that she would hurt the baby out of jealousy, or by "accident" during a fit of rage. He has no children of his own, so this is very new to him, in addition to the challenges of her being a "difficult child". He's the one that has been initiating researching better ways to deal with her, and has been encouraging me to change and has been reading lots of books to try to help. He's normally quite patient, I think he just feels futile (which I can't really blame him for, since I often feel this way too, but I keep trying 'cause I have no choice but to try and hope).
This is complicated. First and foremost I'd get that neuropsychologist evaluation (a private one) scheduled. Deal with school seperately--they can get her an IEP, but their testing is usually not as accurate as private testing. Next, maybe go to therapy yourself so you can decide about your relationship and anything else that is bothering you.
I've been pushing for an IEP since mid-1st grade (she went to a k-1 school before). She's now in 2nd grade, and it's almost over. I've been trying for this all school year but the teachers and principal are not very cooperative. I've tried stating her rights, explaining her situation, I've left messages etc. I finally talked to the social worker last week (she finally called me back). I've also been trying to get her a para-pro for the bus/classroom because she is constantly in trouble and being punished. She has been kicked off the bus several times, suspended from school, sent home etc. I keep making suggestions but they fall on deaf ears. I feel like all years work is finally starting to get somewhere... just in time for the last few weeks of school, and just in time for the school to shrug it's shoulders and say "oh, sorry, it's to late" -_-
I was in therapy until a few months ago. today was just extra hard, with the added stress of her suspension yesterday, and my fiance's occasional feelings of futility adding to my own. I just needed to talk to others that have been through this, and get a new infusion of hope, advice,a nd fresh ideas. I need recharged lol. also, with the cost of her medications, therapy, doctors appts, and sitters, I can't afford therapy for myself at this point. I'm doing alright right now, and I know I can go back and talk if I need to.
Welcome to the board. Good people come here 
Thank you for the response
. Too bad. They really helped us. The schools don't sit on their laurels when you have an Advocate. 
